It's been awhile since I gave a real update, huh? Truthfully, I've had plenty to say, I just wasn't sure I could say it on my blog, or how to. And I still don't really know if what's been happening with me for the last week or so is something that I want to put on my blog, so I'm just going to tap dance around what really happened and mostly just say that irrevocably, irrefutably, this has maybe one of the worst weeks I've gone through in a really, really, REALLY long time.
I've had to take some hard, vulnerable, honest looks at myself, and, in doing that, I've made some changes. Is that vague-tastic enough for you? Have you ever just been slammed in the face with a pile of you suck bricks that left you reeling and concussed and you're like, what the hell just happened? How could my life suddenly turn upside down? What do I do, how am I going to survive? Do I even WANT to survive? Have you ever felt like what happened to you might have been a tad unfair, but begrudgingly you admit you probably needed that major kick? Am I asking enough questions that are thoroughly confusing the skittles out of you?
I might, at some point, be more ready to talk details with you. But as it stands, I'm not ready to go there yet. Let's just say, in Layman's terms, (or if you're Mormon, LAMAN'S TERMS) that I thought I might die this week. Not physically, I wasn't sick and there wasn't anything wrong with me, but I felt so emotionally SICK that I wanted to die. I wasn't sure life would go on. I wasn't sure I even WANTED life to go on. I've had a lot of figuring out to do and picking up the pieces and changing and working through shite and just figuring out how to be a better person in general.
And, I'm coming out of it. A week ago today I was, at this very moment, sobbing my eyes out. But today, I'm okay. I don't think I'd describe myself as HAPPY or PERKY, but I'm okay. I'm content. I think things are on the upswing. I have hope.
In other news, I'm a little worried about Mila Bean. I mentioned a few posts ago that Mila was a little under-average for weight. Um, yeah, that's an UNDERSTATEMENT. I just found out that Mila is only in the 5th percentile for weight. FIFTH. As in, 95% of babies her age weigh more than her. I am stressed. I don't want my little baybuh to be this little. She eats like a freakin' tank, I don't know why she's this small. At 4 months she weighs 11 lbs, 12 oz, and I guess that's just not nearly enough? I've talked to other moms out there and they have told me not to worry, as long as she continues to eat and gain weight, but it still worries me a bit. I know I can't like transfer my anorexia to her by like my my kisses or zerberts, but I just want my baby to be chubalicious and ED free for the rest of her life. I want no underweight trends for Mila now, or EVER. I started her on solid food but she was so unenthusiastic about it, that I've put that on pause. Her pediatrician told me to wait until she seems more interested. I hope that when I resume solid foods, she can start putting on some weight. If anyone knows of any techniques for getting my baby to gain weight, that include but are not limited to hypnosis, ass-fat transfer, (from mine to hers) or any other form of weight gain, then let me know. I am open to suggestions. Obviously. I am above nothing.
In other news, Cade came home "sick" early from school today. The little stinker is getting smart, because he is NOT sick. I told him that if he was going to come home from school, then he had to lay down and not do anything fun, and I'm hoping that will deter him from thinking he can say he's sick to get out of school all the time. I know he doesn't like school much, and yes that worries me, mostly because I worry and hope that he isn't being bullied or something like that that's making him not want to go to school, but what can I do? I mean, I've TRIED so much to talk to him about it, but he just won't open up to me. When I ask him why he doesn't like school, he mostly just says he doesn't like it because it's "long and boring." No more details other than that are offered. And I wish I could make things better for him, but I can't. So every morning I dutifully get him ready and psyched for school, and hope that something will click for him so that he can start to enjoy it. Any ideas on that front would be awesome too. Apparently I'm a slacker mom who can't keep her kids happy and thriving? Sadness face.
Well this post kinda sucked. Sorry! At least you can enjoy the pictures of my darling kids (and cat) (and shoes). Kisses.