Friday, December 9, 2011

More Questions Asked than Answered

It's been awhile since I gave a real update, huh?  Truthfully, I've had plenty to say, I just wasn't sure I could say it on my blog, or how to.  And I still don't really know if what's been happening with me for the last week or so is something that I want to put on my blog, so I'm just going to tap dance around what really happened and mostly just say that irrevocably, irrefutably, this has maybe one of the worst weeks I've gone through in a really, really, REALLY long time.


I've had to take some hard, vulnerable, honest looks at myself, and, in doing that, I've made some changes.  Is that vague-tastic enough for you?  Have you ever just been slammed in the face with a pile of you suck bricks that left you reeling and concussed and you're like, what the hell just happened?  How could my life suddenly turn upside down?  What do I do, how am I going to survive?  Do I even WANT to survive?  Have you ever felt like what happened to you might have been a tad unfair, but begrudgingly you admit you probably needed that major kick?  Am I asking enough questions that are thoroughly confusing the skittles out of you?

I  might, at some point, be more ready to talk details with you.  But as it stands, I'm not ready to go there yet.  Let's just say, in Layman's terms, (or if you're Mormon, LAMAN'S TERMS) that I thought I might die this week.  Not physically, I wasn't sick and there wasn't anything wrong with me, but I felt so emotionally SICK that I wanted to die.  I wasn't sure life would go on.  I wasn't sure I even WANTED life to go on.  I've had a lot of figuring out to do and picking up the pieces and changing and working through shite and just figuring out how to be a better person in general.

And, I'm coming out of it.  A week ago today I was, at this very moment, sobbing my eyes out.  But today, I'm okay.  I don't think I'd describe myself as HAPPY or PERKY, but I'm okay.  I'm content.  I think things are on the upswing.  I have hope.

In other news, I'm a little worried about Mila Bean.  I mentioned a few posts ago that Mila was a little under-average for weight.  Um, yeah, that's an UNDERSTATEMENT.  I just found out that Mila is only in the 5th percentile for weight.  FIFTH.  As in, 95% of babies her age weigh more than her.  I am stressed.  I don't want my little baybuh to be this little.  She eats like a freakin' tank, I don't know why she's this small.  At 4 months she weighs 11 lbs, 12 oz, and I guess that's just not nearly enough?  I've talked to other moms out there and they have told me not to worry, as long as she continues to eat and gain weight, but it still worries me a bit.  I know I can't like transfer my anorexia to her by like my my kisses or zerberts, but I just want my baby to be chubalicious and ED free for the rest of her life.  I want no underweight trends for Mila now, or EVER.  I started her on solid food but she was so unenthusiastic about it, that I've put that on pause.  Her pediatrician told me to wait until she seems more interested.  I hope that when I resume solid foods, she can start putting on some weight.  If anyone knows of any techniques for getting my baby to gain weight, that include but are not limited to hypnosis, ass-fat transfer, (from mine to hers) or any other form of weight gain, then let me know.  I am open to suggestions.  Obviously.  I am above nothing.

In other news, Cade came home "sick" early from school today.  The little stinker is getting smart, because he is NOT sick.  I told him that if he was going to come home from school, then he had to lay down and not do anything fun, and I'm hoping that will deter him from thinking he can say he's sick to get out of school all the time.  I know he doesn't like school much, and yes that worries me, mostly because I worry and hope that he isn't being bullied or something like that that's making him not want to go to school, but what can I do?  I mean, I've TRIED so much to talk to him about it, but he just won't open up to me.  When I ask him why he doesn't like school, he mostly just says he doesn't like it because it's "long and boring."  No more details other than that are offered.  And I wish I could make things better for him, but I can't.  So every morning I dutifully get him ready and psyched for school, and hope that something will click for him so that he can start to enjoy it.  Any ideas on that front would be awesome too.  Apparently I'm a slacker mom who can't keep her kids happy and thriving?  Sadness face.

Well this post kinda sucked.  Sorry!  At least you can enjoy the pictures of my darling kids (and cat) (and shoes).  Kisses.

13 comments:

Cammy said...

My parenting credentials are less than zero, but if it makes you feel any better, both my youngest brother and I were super low on weight percentiles as babies--my doctor actually declared me "failure to thrive" and said I'd be lucky to grow to five feet tall. That lasted until I was about 3, and then I shot up and have been above average height (ended up 5'7") ever since. I think a lot of that was psychological but that's a story for another time and place. So just wait, I bet she's just doing things at her own pace! For some reason my other brother was a taurine mutant that weighed 10 lbs at birth, lol...no two cases are the same. It's great that you're aware of it and are trying to make sure she gets enough, but try not to stress over it...and she is seriously a beautiful, beautiful baby, you make damn pretty kids.

Really sorry to hear that you've had a rough time of it. Please never hesitate to reach out if you need someone to talk/cry/vent/whatever to. Have you talked to your treatment team about being vigilant about signs of postpartum depression? NONE of my business but just concerned about you B.

Hang in there, I hope you have a fantabulous weekend!

Gina said...

Don't stress about Mila! As long as she's on her growth curve, she's totally fine. My daughter just had her 18 month visit and she's not even on the chart weight-wise - she's not even 20 pounds yet. She eats and eats, she's just a lightweight, I guess. That and she's always been super active. Anyway, just keep doing what you're doing! She's perfect.

I was just thinking, it's sort of funny that doctors and baby books tell us to never compare our kids to other kids because they all grow and develop differently...but they compare them on a growth chart. Hah!

I hope you are doing better. Don't let the downzies keep you down. I agree with Cammy, meet with your treatment team about PPD. Praying for you!!

Jonny and Haley said...

Sorry you're not having the best of times. Hope things get better real soon for you. Sending good thoughts your way...

. said...

On the topic of Cade, has he ever been tested/have you ever thought about testing for where he falls intellectually? Both one of my brothers and I used to do the same thing to come home, feeling the same way toward school and it's boorishness (ditto for some of my friends children); it turned out we just weren't being engaged enough academically. Cades feelings on school definitely do not reflect you as a mother whatsoever. That'd be like assuming your abilities as a parent were compromised because he didn't like oatmeal no matter how fun you made eating it to be. So, while I'm no pediatrician, there might not be anything else happening at school other than being bored due to a lack of more advanced material. Just something to think on. Every kid is completely different so take my musings with a grain of salt!

Amanda said...

Out of my 5 kids, 4 of them have been in the 5th percentile. I can not say to you enough times not to worry about it. Everyone has their own shape and size. Growth charts only indicate what is average in terms of growth - not health. Our oldest daughter was in the 5th percentile until she was 11 years old! She is still tiny. At a year old, she only weighed 15 pounds. Our twins, who are 11 now, have fallen off the bottom of that growth chart! But the pediatrician still says not to worry. They are following the same growth curve. So please do not worry about her. I can tell from all the pics that she is happy and adored baby! That is what matters the most. As for your little man, try going to school with him one day, or volunteer in his class. That might give you some insight into what is going through his little mind and making him want to be at home. And keep the sick days as boring days. That is what helped mine stop being "sick' so much.

Traci said...

I think you said Cade is in kindergarten, right? He really might be truly bored. Ask his teachers how he doing academically, is he being challenged? Kindergarten can be boring for kids that already know their colors, letters, etc. Many kids come into Kindergarten not knowing any of that so that's where teachers start.

I wouldn't worry too much. First grade will be more challenging and he'll be able to work more at his level...at least that's how it is in Michigan. Teachers differentiate a little more as the students get older.

I'm a teacher and I see kids that are bored out of their minds in kindergarten and then love 1st grade. Talk to his teacher to see what she thinks is going on. I would just email or call her and tell her your concerned and want to make sure he's not getting bullied or anything like that.

Gina said...

Hang in there, Brie. Glad you're beginning to feel a little better. Also, in terms of growth, my sister and I were both wee ones as babies. I never really caught up with height/weight (remained a little below average, although not sure how much of that is due to onset of ED), but my sister was a total peanut as a baby and is now taller than average and completely healthy/normal about weight/food etc.

I hope you continue to feel UP in mood and not so much down =/

Hannah said...

My 20 month old just hit 21 pounds, and she's below the 3rd percentile. She is perfectly healthy, and my pediatrician isn't concerned at all. As long as she is growing, it doesn't matter where she is on the curve. Don't worry, Mila is fine!

THE CREATION OF A BEAUTIFUL LIFE said...

Dearest of all dear Bries'...
YES. Your post has left me utterly confused. I would love to be of support to you, but no pressure. I know that you will talk about things when you are able. In the meantime, I will be sending positive vibes your way. Love your cute face (in a totally heterosexual way:) )...
Hang in there.
XOXO,
-L

Just That ZombieGrrl said...

I agree with the person that pointed out that Cade might just not be getting adequately challenged in school. If he's bored by learning at the pace of the other kids, he's probably gifted. Even if it's just that he doesn't (yet) enjoy a traditional learning environment, that doesn't say anything bad about you and B -- if anything, it speaks to the positive that Cade's willing to tell you he's not enjoying himself at school. *hugs*

Bryce said...

I'm so sorry to hear you've been having a time lately!


As a former educator...

I know you've spoken on your blog before about Cade's sometimes-anxiety. So I'm thinking... maybe see if you can take him out at lunch time rather than he have lunch at school? I'm just thinking that, in saying school is "long and boring" he might be expressing his desire to see you, a reminder you'll be there when he gets out of school.

it may not even be possible, but it might help. just my two cents:)

tawny said...

I just want to say:

I love you!

thinking of you sis..

see you in a week.

xoxo

Shannon said...

The child percentile growth chart is the same useless piece of crap as the BMI chart in my opinion. My children have all been pretty small (I'm not that big either so it's not a shocker), but my middle one has been UNDER the chart since 4 months old. He is now 3 1/2 and is still under the chart. My pediatrician is the best though and never ever made me feel like I wasn't doing everything I could for my child. I really appreciated that. She showed me his growth curve at his 3 year old check up and he has the perfect curve, it's just under every "normal" kids curve. Try not to stress. I'm sure this is an extra sensitive issue because of the ED, but I'm sure Mila is fine. A lot of kids catch up as toddlers too, but mostly just remember it's ONE measurement of how she's doing. As long as she eats and IS growing then she is going to be a-ok.

Hope you are feeling better this week. You are such an amazing person and mom. Hang in there!