Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Took Me a Little Longer than Most

Things over here have been averagely okay with a lot of busyness thrown in there and a touch of crazy. I am spending HOURS a day now on my book project and don’t have much time (or energy) for much else aside from the requisite tickle fight with my mini man and some facebook playing. (Yes, it took awhile, but I’ll admit, I am finally addicted to facebook. Le sigh.) I spend hours sitting in this chair, in front of this computer and notebook (with my notes and outline for the book in it) staring into space and wishing that the popcorn there on the table wasn’t burnt and that my Diet Coke would refill itself. And when I’m not wondering about that suuuuper important stuff, I’m writing my book of course – I’ll get in spurts of inspiration and pound out paragraphs on my keyboard before lapsing back into a writer’s coma.

By the way, thanks to all who participated in the survey – you have no idea how much you helped us. We received well over 200 entries and are so grateful for the input. So. You’re da bombest! By the way, I may be periodically asking you for help and input on certain aspects of my book, so I hope it’s alright if I ask at times for volunteers to share their insight and experiences with me. Please and thank you in advance.

So I still have no idea what’s going on with my dietary shiz and the ultimatum I was given, etc. I was basically told that I can’t know all the answers about my treatment goals weight-wise because a lot of those questions are just me wanting my eating disorder to know what the H bomb is going on and that’s just letting the eating disorder win and be in control blah blah blah so just trust us and trust the process blah. So I’m trying. I dunno. Honesty moment? It’s like hard. Like, really really hard. BUT at the same time, I do know that I want recovery and I want to do this right this time and I really like and trust my treatment team so I’m going to try to, you know, let go and let God. Or at any rate let go and let my treatment team take (or DRAG) me down this path of recovery. I know God loves me but I can’t imagine he’d wish the hellacious torture on me known as 6 Boost Pluses a day. Shivers.

You know what else I’m finally figuring out? Working through the emotional overgrowth that leads to/contributes to an ED is
SO MUCH
harder than even the food and weight gain stuff. I don’t think I ever thought I’d admit that, because it’s so much easier to moan and groan about gaining weight and eating enough to feed Dumbo and his kinky girlfriend, but that’s not even half the battle. Working through my eewy eewy grossy goo is a lot harder and a lot more emotionally expending. And when I feel all my emotions…with no buffer for them, like hunger or weight loss…man it’s hard. I guess this is what being an adult and growing up is like – facing your problems head on and solving them rather than collapsing in a hysterical heap on the floor. I mean I do that too sometimes because it’s so FUN but really I don’t think it’s very conducive to living, you know, a stable life.
So.
It took a little longer for me than most…but I’m glad I’m figuring this stuff out now. It’s time I grow up.

Time to go now…been writing for hours and my brain is FRIED.

6 comments:

Courtney said...

i completely agree with ya that the emotional stuff is 100x harder than the weight gain stuff...though what really sucks is the fact that you usually have to do them both at the SAME time. double whammy. but just think, if you can do this you can literally do anything! and though hard to believe when you're right in the thick of things, it will get easier. hang in there. oh, and your book is going to be freakin awesome!

Kerri said...

Ripping off bandages always hurts though, doesn't it?

allegri said...

UGH. Babe, I am soooo in those same shoes! The emotional stuff is a million times harder to deal with than the physical dietary redirection. I am still erked by the whole ultimatum thing.

I can NOT wait for your book! If you need any help, I'm glad to be of assitance (:

Penny said...

You ended with "time to go now." I thought you would write, "time for another Boost". I have watched you drink and eat your way through this weight gain these past two months and I am thrilled and proud of you. You have done this without any artificial help. Just your own mouth! Now you know that you have it in you to accomplish anything if you could do this weight gain thing. Keep up your goals and your journey. There is no telling where it will lead... except I predict it will lead to an adult you that can solve problems and be fully functioning and be happier than you ever thought possible!

Laura said...

even your brain is fried..not baked...or poached, which are both clearly the lower calorie and fat choices...

I've loved chatting with you on fb lately...
nice to have you around to pick me up when I am the one curled up on the floor!!!
cant wait for the book....

Mel said...

Brie, I just wanted to say that I'm so excited that you're writing a book! I know you will do an awesome job with it.