Monday, August 16, 2010

Dissecting the Ultimatum

When W, the T, gave me the ultimatum: to gain the last of my weight by Sept 1st, or else I'm fired, I was in shock.  Aghast.  Floored.  It seemed like such an overly dramatic way to get me to gain a little weight.  I mean, couldn't she look at me and see how fine I was?  How, like, big?

So I spent awhile being mad.  Like really mad. 
And then I spent a little while (okay a long while) being really scared.  Because I know that I can't maintain my recovery YET without my trusty T and D.  I was terrified of losing them because I know that at this point, without them, I would very likely slowly lose weight and end back up at square one: severe anorexia.  I understood that I stood to lose a lot more than just my therapist if she fired me.

But after I got mad, and then I let myself feel the fear, I got ready.  I prepared myself to do whatever it took to reach my goal weight.  I readied myself for some really awful days ahead, and a lot of discomfort and anxiety about gaining weight, then just decided, quite simply, to do it.

And so I am.  And you know what?  IT'S SO HARD.  I've cried a lot.  I've been in physical pain because of how much I have to eat (and drink Boost) to gain.  But I'm so glad I'm doing it.

Because by reaching my goal weight in a couple short weeks, I also stand to gain a lot more than just being able to keep my treatment team:  I'll gain the confidence to know that I can do this recovery thing without having to go inpatient.  I think I'll gain a little self-respect and hey, maybe even a little self-esteem.  And I'll finally prove to myself and everyone else that I can do this.  That I can stop the games and the bull crap and just commit to recovery.  And that feels so freaking good.

So, three weeks ago, when I was given this ultimatum, I was cursing my therapist for her pure, unadulterated EVIL.  But now?  Now I think I might just be thanking her for her genius. 

Funny how that works, eh?


Sia Jane said...

Can I just say, I have done the recover/weight gain anorexia thing, and recently I had a pretty dramatic break down. In that I lost a fair amount of weight.
I just want to say, I hear you.
I am eating and eating, and drinking so much bloody ensure, and it is hard. And yet as you say, I know gaining to a "healthier" weight will give me so much more. So I just kind of wanted to post a "I hear you" to say I have some pretty similar feelings to where you are at.
Never alone my love, and we're all right beside you xxxx

Telstaar said...

Hey there!

It's been awhile since I commented on a blog (ANY blog) but meh....

Hun, I know how hard the ultimatus is and I"m quite happy to send messagers of supportm, make a phone call, providing a listening ear to tears via the phone, via email, via text etc...

You are special! You are doing it and like you said with getting better full stop You can't do it without the good old D and the good old T.... and I don't think you can do this with the good 'ol BF's - Blogger friends and similar. So let us help in big or small ways, whatever. Even if its doing up a metaphorical button on your shirt, Big B might have something to say about a literal button.... you know what I'm saying?

Love you and I KNOW you can do this because you ARE doing this.

*hugs with love and compassion*

Angela said...

Ugh, my T did that to me also, and I was so angry, and didn't understand why she would do that, but it really was in my best interest, and now I understand that she was doing it out of concern and care. Way to go for sticking with it, even though it is both physically and mentally painful. Hang in there, and take care:)

Rose said...

This post came at a perfect time for me! It was exactly what i needed to read today (how'd you know?!), I'm in a similar position as you are. And yeah sometimes, even though it feels awful, it also feels good to just push yourself and commit to freaking recovery.
Keep going!!!

Katannah said...

It's almost like the T knows you, eh? Funny, that. I'm so glad you're enjoying time with your little man and are getting weller every day. You deserve good things, you beautiful person, you. Much love.

battleinmind said...

I'm not surprised that made you scared! But I'm super happy that you are taking it in such a positive way! Fantastic :)

Eleanor said...

There's no denying the fact that the mext few weeks will be a really hard couple of weeks... But there's also no denying that it will be 100% worth it, for more than just one reason.

Fear will come, so will the thought of wanting to give up, but push through those thoughts and you will come out the other side a bright, blossoming young lady.

Be proud of yourself. We are all proud of you.


Cammy said...

Love this post. You're a rock star, Brie, and there is nothing that can hold you back from kicking this thing to the curb once and for all. <3

Penny said...

The best POST ever I believe. For what you said and for what you believe now about yourself and for where you are headed: REAL Recovery!

Laur said...

loved seeing you the other day, hopefully i will see you again this week at the are spectacular and have done spectacular things! Don't forget that.

allegri said...

Amen sista! I know you can do it! (:

Tia said...

i'll be going IP tomorrow :(
So scared/anxious... your post helped me calm myself and gave me some courage. Thanks!
Tia @ Dietcolagirl

CG said...

You rock, ms. Brie. All there is to say.

Alexandra Rising said...

Thank you for this post and for your honesty. Selfishly, it gives me a little *boost* [ha!] of inspiration.

I'm thinking of you. It's so so so hard, I know. I remember crying from the physical discomfort...crying because I wanted to finish the meal and prove myself...and being unable to do it. It's tough and you've probably got a fast metabolism working against you [who would have thought having a fast metabolism would be a bad thing?!]

Brie-- you deserve it so much. You deserve peace from this awful voice...and I hope you continue to fight and I hope you win and I hope you can be happy and shhhh--healthy--I DIDNT SAY IT, I SWEAR I DIDNT! I will be thinking of you and hoping for you.

To you, I send strength.

Love Alex