Things over here have been averagely okay with a lot of busyness thrown in there and a touch of crazy. I am spending HOURS a day now on my book project and don’t have much time (or energy) for much else aside from the requisite tickle fight with my mini man and some facebook playing. (Yes, it took awhile, but I’ll admit, I am finally addicted to facebook. Le sigh.) I spend hours sitting in this chair, in front of this computer and notebook (with my notes and outline for the book in it) staring into space and wishing that the popcorn there on the table wasn’t burnt and that my Diet Coke would refill itself. And when I’m not wondering about that suuuuper important stuff, I’m writing my book of course – I’ll get in spurts of inspiration and pound out paragraphs on my keyboard before lapsing back into a writer’s coma.
By the way, thanks to all who participated in the survey – you have no idea how much you helped us. We received well over 200 entries and are so grateful for the input. So. You’re da bombest! By the way, I may be periodically asking you for help and input on certain aspects of my book, so I hope it’s alright if I ask at times for volunteers to share their insight and experiences with me. Please and thank you in advance.
So I still have no idea what’s going on with my dietary shiz and the ultimatum I was given, etc. I was basically told that I can’t know all the answers about my treatment goals weight-wise because a lot of those questions are just me wanting my eating disorder to know what the H bomb is going on and that’s just letting the eating disorder win and be in control blah blah blah so just trust us and trust the process blah. So I’m trying. I dunno. Honesty moment? It’s like hard. Like, really really hard. BUT at the same time, I do know that I want recovery and I want to do this right this time and I really like and trust my treatment team so I’m going to try to, you know, let go and let God. Or at any rate let go and let my treatment team take (or DRAG) me down this path of recovery. I know God loves me but I can’t imagine he’d wish the hellacious torture on me known as 6 Boost Pluses a day. Shivers.
You know what else I’m finally figuring out? Working through the emotional overgrowth that leads to/contributes to an ED is
harder than even the food and weight gain stuff. I don’t think I ever thought I’d admit that, because it’s so much easier to moan and groan about gaining weight and eating enough to feed Dumbo and his kinky girlfriend, but that’s not even half the battle. Working through my eewy eewy grossy goo is a lot harder and a lot more emotionally expending. And when I feel all my emotions…with no buffer for them, like hunger or weight loss…man it’s hard. I guess this is what being an adult and growing up is like – facing your problems head on and solving them rather than collapsing in a hysterical heap on the floor. I mean I do that too sometimes because it’s so FUN but really I don’t think it’s very conducive to living, you know, a stable life.
It took a little longer for me than most…but I’m glad I’m figuring this stuff out now. It’s time I grow up.
Time to go now…been writing for hours and my brain is FRIED.