Family Pictures

We had family pictures taken last weekend at Murray Park.  Here are a few of our favorites:

I have the most adorable little boy in the entire world.

Remembering.

Daisies for Kendall.

Last night, during group, I paid tribute to Kendall – today is the one year anniversary of her death, and the Almighty T thought it would be a good idea to do something to remember her. So, I bought bright, beautiful daisies and gave them to each of my group sisters – then I read them this letter:

Dear Kendall,


As this one year anniversary of your senseless death approaches, I have been filled with an overwhelming sadness. I’ve felt this awful emptiness, like a hole in my heart, at your loss. I’ve felt overcome with grief and with “what if’s.” Kendall, when I found out I was pregnant with you, I was so excited. I was scared as hell but I was so thrilled to be able to have you be a part of our little family. I bought dresses and bows for you. I made you a beautiful little quilt that was going to hold you and keep you warm. I wondered if you’d have dimples like your older brother and I secretly hoped you’d have dark hair like your mommy. Every night I rubbed my tummy and told you I loved you. When I felt you moving inside me, I smiled and laughed out loud.




Group sisters, from left to right: D, me, C, K, L, and M

And then on the day I found out you were gone, when there was no heart beat and I could see your little body, so still and lifeless, my worst fears came true. Losing a child, by far, without a doubt, trumps any other pain or hurt I have ever had to go through. Losing you nearly cost me my life. When you died, I didn’t want to live anymore. I wanted to give up. I couldn’t imagine living in my world without you in it. I felt empty and lost without you inside me. The world was so bleak.

Thinking about this hurts me. So today, instead of focusing on your absence and on what could have been if you were in my arms right now, at this very moment, I want to remember your goodness. I want to remember your short, beautiful little life and all you did for me. I want to remember.



To write love on her arms.  In memory KPB.



So, I go back. I go back and I remember April 6, 2010, your birthday. I remember that cold April afternoon with that freak Spring snowstorm that had everybody bundled up in their winter coats and scarves. I remember clutching that white balloon in my hand that was numb from the cold. I remember reading you a letter, telling you how much I will always love you and treasure you and call myself blessed to be your mother. And I remember crying unabashedly in front of my dearest friends and family. I remember letting myself feel the devastation of your loss and I remember allowing myself to feel sad for me, and not just angry at myself; to actually be able to feel sad that your mommy will never get to look in awe at your incredible birth and life and to watch you grow into an unbelievably amazing woman. To be sad that you’ll never get to be a volleyball player like your mama, or a ballerina or a prom queen or maybe even a policewoman. I was able to mourn for the life you would have lived, for the people you would have touched and changed for the better. My hopes and dreams for you were gone, and knowing I took that away from you is almost more than I can bear. But on that day Kendall, on your birthday, I was able to feel remorse for the cause of your death without harsh judgment or criticism for myself.  That day Kendall, on April 6, I felt free.

I remember holding the balloon’s white string, and trying to squeeze into it all my love and gratitude for you so that when it got to you in Heaven, you’d smile and feel really really happy inside. I knew the time was fast approaching that I was to let go of that balloon, because everyone was shivering in the cold, watching me, waiting for me to release this gift to you. But I panicked. I didn’t want to let it go because Kendall what if that meant letting go of you and your memory and your sweet little life that accomplished so much more than many ever accomplish – you saved a life – my life – how could I let go of that? How could I let go of my grief? Did that mean I was going to forget you or disrespect your memory? I got scared.

But then I steeled myself. I remembered that these balloons were a gift to you. I remember that I was not letting go of my love for you, or for the overwhelming ache I feel every single day at your absence. But I was letting go of my anger at your death, and I was letting go of the blame I caged myself with. So, with that in mind, I gave my balloon one last little kiss. One last kiss for you. And then I opened my hand, and I watched that white balloon sail up into the sky. On my cue, everyone else released their balloons to you too, and we all watched in awe as dozens and dozens of balloons raced up to the sky, flying in different directions and speeds, skipping and stuttering their way to Heaven. To you. And then I thought about all of my friends, from all over the world, who were releasing balloons for you too: from Germany and England and Australia and L.A. and New York and the list goes on and on. All of these people were paying tribute to you, Kendall. All of these people were honoring your life and what you did for me – for the sacrifice you made for me. And I imagined you delighted with these balloons; with these gifts that were sent with care, just for you. In honor of your life. In honor of all you did for me.

Kendall, you are my little hero. You saved me when no one else could. Our love for each other was enough to spring your mommy into action, enough to help her fight for her life. And for that, I will forever be grateful. I will remember you every November 12 and honor you every April 6, on your birthday. I will never forget. So today Kendall, because we have no grave to put flowers on, I give a daisy to all of my group sisters. Flowers have always represented joy and life and growth to me, and I wanted them to have a flower so they can help me remember you and honor you. So they can look at these flowers and smile and be as happy and grateful as I am to be alive. May they learn, as your mama has, to never take life for granted. My hope for them is that they will rejoice in their life and in their recovery, even during the tough times, and believe that they are stronger and more beautiful and courageous than they will ever give themselves credit for. We know these things, don’t we? My hope is that they will learn these things too.


Thank you for giving me so much, more than you ever knew your little life could offer. Selfishly, and tragically, your death taught me to live. And I will never forget that.


You are good. You are my daughter. And I love you.
Mommy

It felt so good to focus on the good her short, little life brought, rather than focus on the tragedy of it all. Pictured here are my group sisters that I ♥. I don’t know what I’d do without them!

Love you Kendall. Love you always

Time Passes

Hi friends. It’s been so long.


Why haven’t I written you ask? I honestly think it’s because I’ve had SO MUCH going on, I just got so overwhelmed. I didn’t want to write a blog because I had no idea where to write and what to say and what not to say and really it just got to be too much. This girlfriend isn’t usually bereft of words, but let’s just say it’s been quite a month.

A quick update:
I went back to work at [Healthcare Company] for an indeterminate period of time. I am here to help catch them up and keep them afloat while they look for someone to fill the position I am currently subbing in for. The pay is great and they enticed me with all that money; visions of new pair after pair of TOMS dancing before my eyes. ;) So I’m back to work for 20 hours a week. It’s been quite the adjustment, after getting used to sleeping in every morning. This am my alarm went off at 6:30 and I literally wanted to spontaneously combust and maybe DIE because at least that would have meant I’d have gotten shipped off to the hospital where they’d let me sleep rather than go into work at 7 am and sit in my lil’ cubicle and stare at spreadsheet after spreadsheet…
Yikes. I’m making my job sound SUPER FUN aren’t I? ;)

Halloween was a lot of fun – we went to party after party. Cade was Iron Man and I was a Cold Person Having an Acute Allergic Reaction. I was quite the sight!

Therapy stuff is going good – more or less meh the same. Between seeing the Almighty T 2x/week and my D once/week and and and having group once/week and seeing my other T once/week and my ED doc every other week, sweet Jezebel I have NO free time, because if I’m not in Mental Health Land getting help for all my effing problems, I’m at work! Can we just say I’m really overwhelmed? And busy? And preoccupied? I mean I know what I’m doing is working, because I’m maintaining my weight even though it’s HARD (I haven’t weighed this much since I was pregnant with Cade!) and I hate my, you know, exploding thighs, but I’m doin’ it, I’m making this recovery thing work, so even though I sigh and grumble about all my appointments, they’re really what’s keeping me afloat right now. So I’ll zip my lips and halt my fingers on the complainage. Moving on!

This Friday I have a big anniversary coming up – it’s the one year marker of losing Kendall. Very quietly consumed by grief and “what if’’s.” the holiday’s are always hard, and they’re even harder now, missing her, and also thinking back to where I was last year at this time – so consumed by grief and so SICK physically with the ED, grossly underweight, but also so sick in my mind and in my heart. I’m glad I’m not there anymore but it seems all my holiday memories are tainted by some of the icky stuff. Please, please, if you’d like, join me on Friday by writing love on your arm in honor of Kendall and anybody that you have lost.

I’m now uberly obsessed with the show Criminal Minds. Husband and I watch a few episodes of night and I’m ravenously devouring it! It ranks right up there with Biggest Loser, but I still don’t think ANYTHING can trump my love for Jillian and her eyebrows…anyone else watch this show and love it?

Big B is doing well. He’s really busy with work and school and is still my main squeeze. Currently he and Lil’ C are at home pukin’ away. I’m gleefully noshing on Sour Cream ‘n Onion chips, glad I’m not. ;)

I’ve tried to intermittently post a few photos that were taken this past month here on the blog too. (Scratch that, Blogger won't let me upload them.  Grrr!)  Hope you are all well and happy and recovering and like loving life. I know I’m trying to over here, even on days like today where I just want to sigh, pull my covers over my head, and hibernate. Wuv you all.

"It's not Yellowstone, it's Redstone."

"Redstone" is apparently where we went this weeked, according to C.  You see, Red is his favorite color, and he'd have none of this Yellowstone business.  So here's a recap of our trip, and I warn you now - you stalkers will love the fact I'm about to post over 20 photos, but some of you may think it's a bit of a snooze fest, so just browse if you like.

We "camped" (my version, entailing staying at a motel rather than a hotel) with my parents and of course Husband and the C boy.  It was a quick trip but we actually had a lot of fun and C was delighted to see all the buffalo and elk and we even saw a wolf, coyote, eagle, and bear.  Here are some pics to document the trip:

C and I walking into breakfast...

 Here we are at some steam geyster.  It was FREAKING COLD.  Like 40 degrees cold.  I look all poofy from the 3 layers I was wearing...brrrrrrrrr....

 C with Grandma and Grandpa...

Big B snapped a pic of me putting on my beanie.  He insists it was "scenic."

 Love this pic of Cade next to the waterfall.  He loves this pic and has insisted we show it to his preschool teacher, Mrs. T, who, incidentally, the kid adores as much as I adore Burt's Bees and mustard and of course TOMS.

 B and C love...

Okay I insisted this pic was a deleter, but B said to keep it.  It was at this point that it was getting late and my legs were tired and it was cold and raining on and off and I was getting SICK of taking pics.  You can pretty much see the disdain eeking from my frozen pores...

 And then suddenly, I became C's pack mule.  Or maybe his camel?  I do have two humps, after all.  (My humps, my humps, I love my lady lumps.  Bahaha.)

 I so love you can see crack in this picture...little boy crack is so adorable!  ;)

We call this my Captain Morgan pose...

Finally in the warm car.  In love with B's blue blue eyes.

 Me with mom and Dad.  At some steamy geyser thing.  I look so hot, we could call me maybe McBriemy?  Bahaha just kidding.  I didn't even shower on the trip!

 Pretty hot spring...

Shutup the sun was in my eyes.

 Love him.

 It was so steamy you couldn't even see me and my  mom.  Pretty cool.

Awesome petrified tree.  Cute for a pic, eh?

 Waiting for Old Faithful.  Mom thought it important that my butterscoth TOMS be photographed.  How smart and generous of her!

And, finally, Old Faithful erupting.  Apparently, though, Old Faithful is getting a little unreliable.  Kinda like my period.  Weird parallel?  Whatever I went there.

Anyway, our trip was COLD but FUN and I'm glad we had the fun experience, and I'm glad C got to see it, even though he'll pry not remember it, but for these pictures.

As soon as we were home, Brandon left a Facebook status update that said this:
"Back from Yellowstone, getting ready to see the horror that is Brie bonding with her cats after not seeing them for almost 3 whole days.  It is shameful, trust me."

And then a friend put, "Be strong."
and another put, "I'm sorry.  Just don't watch the horrific scene."
and then I put, "THERE IS NO SHAME IN LOVING CATS."

And there isn't.  We've had a proper love-fest and I've apologized for leaving them.  After being duly chastised, Harriet and Roberta have found it in their beautiful hearts to forgive me.

So there's our trip to Redstone, in a nutshell.

Compounding Anxiety

Well, my anxiety is killing me.  Nice opener to a post, eh?  Talking about my inevitable untimely demise induced by an accelerated heart rate, numb extremities, and sobbing slash screaming WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME HELP ME HELP ME I DID MY BEST I DID MY BEST (pause for breath) HELP ME sob sob cry whine.

It's bad you guys.  Like out of control bad.  I've been talking to Doc P about it (my ED doc who I LOVE and would totally marry if I weren't already married.  And if she wasn't already married.  And, you know, a CHICK.) ANYWHOSIES she's prescribed me some benzos to help, and I have an appt with Orville Redenbacher, (the psychiatrist who I SWEAR is an identical twin brother to our beloved popcorn icon) and I have an emergency appt scheduled with the Almighty T tomorrow....so hopefully all this will help me get my she-she together enough to function.

Just so, so much going on.  I feel like, in my life, I'm at a proverbial fork in the road.  And I have no idea which path to take, because neither of them are easy and flowers and rainbows and cakes.  Both paths are full of darkness and the unknown and sceeeery spiders and fear.  So I pause, waiting at the fork, praying, asking, begging for help...having no idea which direction to take.  I'm told to follow my heart, but what do you do when your heart is torn?  (Oh and PS holy oh my moly the stress of all this is making me break out like there's no tomorrow.  My face hasn't looked this bad EVER, even while in the throes of puberty.  And I NEVER thought I'd have to use the term "adult acne" in the same sentence as BRIE, but it's happened.  Oh child, NO.  It's awful!

So that's why I've been quiet lately.  To be 10047576% honest, I've been a strugglin' right now, and I've needed some time and space to sort things out.  They're still not really, you know, "sorted," but I'm workin' on it.

In the meantime, I hope you are all having a fabulous fall enjoying snugglable sweaters and warm drinks and the beautiful fall leaves falling.  I'm kind of ignoring all that in favor of zeroing in on Biggest Loser, but whateva.  ;)  I shall have an opportunity to appreciate nature at its finest this weekend on a fun little rendezvous to Yellowstone.  :)

I know this post was vague.  But it kind of has to be.  Just pray or send good vibes my way, or maybe mail me some Nacho Cheese Corn Nuts to cheer me up, or give me a hug if you see me (my bubble's getting bigger!) or just let me, if you can, know everything will be okay.  Because honestly?  I really need to hear that right now.

The Story of my TOMS

To most of you, TOMS might be shoes that you think are cute, or maybe too trendy, or boring, or, just, you know, another pair of mid-price shoes out there you can buy.

To me, TOMS are the cat's meow.  They make me purr with pleasure when I behold them.  When I slip that beautiful shoe on my foot, I have a footgasm.  To me, in Brieism, TOMS literally translates to LUST.

So, my dear readers, I thought it was about time you meet the objects of my desire.  May you see them and gasp at their beauty and comfort.  May you never be the same again, after beholding their amazement:

First, may I introduce my Purple Hearts.  I happened to snag the last pair in the ENTIRE MALL, and I thought to myself, Dear Brie, this may be your version of dying and going to Heaven and getting to do The Sex with 40 virgins or something - oh be still my heart squeal I love them!

Next, we have Sparkles.  No explanation for name necessary.  These babies could easily be worn while dancing Disco or impersonating Michael Jackson.  I love these ones so much, I wanna take them behind the jr. high school and get them pregnant!

And, we have my first pair I ever procured - My Butterscotches.  These beauties give me self-esteem and are utterly pleasurable on my feet.  And I even tasted them - they are indeed as sweet as the candy they were named after!  ;)

So, I'm thinking about procreating with them and having some little Broms running around.  Ah, how sweet!

May you buy some TOMS.  May you honor your feet enough to own them, love them, and rock the hell out of 'em.  :)

Yeah, I Went There

Before you go further, you MUST read -->this<-- post.  (Don't worry, it's very short.)

The Lick Clique.  I wanted to be a part of it.

So yesterday...

I saw Roberta (Bobbi) and Harriet (Hairy) grooming each other

and, I was jealous...

so

I went right up to Hairy, I stuck out my tongue,

and

I gave her two nice, wet, and hearty licks, right on top of her head.

She tasted furry.

And a little, like, musty?  (Not to be confused with MUSKY.)

Brandon almost puked.

(And still refuses to kiss me.)

Yeah, I went there.

Aching for Kendall

Cade asks me several times a day if I'm having a baby.  When I tell him no, he asks, so innocently, "'But Mommy, why not?"  He asks me repeatedly if Baby Penny (his cousin, who was born on the day Kendall was due) can be his little sister, and when I reply and tell him that she's not his sister, just his cousin, he gets sad, and begs me to be her mommy so she can be his sister.

I ache that I can't give him another sibling.  I ache that Kenall is gone.  Because if I could; if Cade were old enough so he could understand, I'd sit him on my lap and tell him that his sister is gone but that he's still a big brother anyway, and I'd try to explain to him that someday, he'll get to be a big brother in this lifetime, and someday, Mommy will be pregnant again.

But when I tell him these things, he doesn't understand.  And I think he's lonely.  And it makes me sad.  It makes me ache.

A Glaringly Obvious Reminder

You know, most peeps love fall because they can wax poetic about the beautiful orange and red leaves, and the pumpkin carving, and the harvest moons…

I love fall because I can wax poetic about the RETURN OF NETWORK TELEVISION. Seriously I always wonder how I even make it through the summer. How do I survive without my weekly doses of Jillian’s eyebrows and Blair’s schemes and Tyra’s fierce outfits? I mean HONESTLY.

So tomorrow is the return of my all time favorite, Biggest Loser. And to celebrate the premier, I am having a party, and the only stipulation is that you must bring some food to share. And NO, you cannot bring carrot sticks and raisins. You must bring the most un-Biggest Loser like snack you can think of, that way while the new contestants and SOBBING and SWEATING PROFUSELY after walking only 100 yards, I can gleefully watch them while noshing on the very food that got them there in the first place. It’s so fun, you should try it! So if you’d like to be on the guest list for tomorrow night, do let me know. Just come prepared to EAT and LOVE JILLIAN’S EYEBROWS. A’ight?

Speaking of like eating and gaining weight…
I have a fun story for you:

So in group last Thursday, I was talking about what my last post was about, you know, how and where do I set boundaries in a friendship, etc, and I don’t really know how we got on the subject, but the Almighty T was talking about how noticeable it is that I’m in a better place, and she was like, “IT’S GLARINGLY OBVIOUS you’re doing better.” And I kind of looked at her, like, “It’s that GLARINGLY OBVIOUS that I’ve gained weight, huh?” (and mix in a crestfallen look in there somewhere) and then she laughed and tried to backpedal and was like, “it’s not GLARINGLY OBVIOUS you’ve gained weight, just that you know er you know like you’re errrr doing better in all of these other areas.” (She says, evasively.) And I’m like “Nuh-uh NO YOU DIDN’T.” And everyone was laughing at my GLARINGLY OBVIOUS bigger butt and creamy thighs and now we can’t let the joke go. The next day I was hanging with my friend and group sis D; I was helping her move, and we were walking back to her car, and someone had parked suuuuper close next to the passenger side door, and I was like, “Dar, you gotta back out, there’s no way I can fit in there,” and she was like, “Oh yeah, it’s totally GLARINGLY OBVIOUS that you can’t fit BAHAHAHAHAHA” and I’m like “NICE.” (Only not really.) And then later that night I sat on a box and BROKE IT and she was like “It’s GLARINGLY OBVIOUS why that box broke” and I’m like ooooh I’m meek and it was cardboard so shut the heck up JERK.

So please.

When it’s GLARINGLY OBVIOUS that someone has gained weight, comment on their hair instead. Tell them they have really shiny hair or maybe a really sweet spirit, instead of going for the GLARINGLY OBVIOUS option by telling them that the badonka donk in their trunk is GLARINGLY AWESOME.

(Just a GLARINGLY OBVIOUS reminder.)

LOVE YOU.