Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Compounding Anxiety

Well, my anxiety is killing me.  Nice opener to a post, eh?  Talking about my inevitable untimely demise induced by an accelerated heart rate, numb extremities, and sobbing slash screaming WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME HELP ME HELP ME I DID MY BEST I DID MY BEST (pause for breath) HELP ME sob sob cry whine.

It's bad you guys.  Like out of control bad.  I've been talking to Doc P about it (my ED doc who I LOVE and would totally marry if I weren't already married.  And if she wasn't already married.  And, you know, a CHICK.) ANYWHOSIES she's prescribed me some benzos to help, and I have an appt with Orville Redenbacher, (the psychiatrist who I SWEAR is an identical twin brother to our beloved popcorn icon) and I have an emergency appt scheduled with the Almighty T hopefully all this will help me get my she-she together enough to function.

Just so, so much going on.  I feel like, in my life, I'm at a proverbial fork in the road.  And I have no idea which path to take, because neither of them are easy and flowers and rainbows and cakes.  Both paths are full of darkness and the unknown and sceeeery spiders and fear.  So I pause, waiting at the fork, praying, asking, begging for help...having no idea which direction to take.  I'm told to follow my heart, but what do you do when your heart is torn?  (Oh and PS holy oh my moly the stress of all this is making me break out like there's no tomorrow.  My face hasn't looked this bad EVER, even while in the throes of puberty.  And I NEVER thought I'd have to use the term "adult acne" in the same sentence as BRIE, but it's happened.  Oh child, NO.  It's awful!

So that's why I've been quiet lately.  To be 10047576% honest, I've been a strugglin' right now, and I've needed some time and space to sort things out.  They're still not really, you know, "sorted," but I'm workin' on it.

In the meantime, I hope you are all having a fabulous fall enjoying snugglable sweaters and warm drinks and the beautiful fall leaves falling.  I'm kind of ignoring all that in favor of zeroing in on Biggest Loser, but whateva.  ;)  I shall have an opportunity to appreciate nature at its finest this weekend on a fun little rendezvous to Yellowstone.  :)

I know this post was vague.  But it kind of has to be.  Just pray or send good vibes my way, or maybe mail me some Nacho Cheese Corn Nuts to cheer me up, or give me a hug if you see me (my bubble's getting bigger!) or just let me, if you can, know everything will be okay.  Because honestly?  I really need to hear that right now.


Missy said...

In the end...everything will be okay. If it's not's not the end.

This quote always helps me out a bit ... though, let's be honest, when you are in the throws of a heart palpitating anxiety fit no quote is gonna do. Nor green tea...nor a "hot bath"...LOL...I know.

BUT...hang in there girl, cause you KNOW you have been through worse. (Perhaps the worst?) And you were strong as - to use your term- H E double hockey sticks.


brie said...

thanks missy. :) i needed that quote, because honestly, it's so true. you're da best. ♥.

Stella said...

Anxiety sucks the big one! I am so sorry that you are having to deal with so much of it right now. However, it sounds like you are dealing with it in a positive way - by reaching out and asking for help - and that is awesome!!

I don't know if this helps from someone you don't know but - everything WILL be okay. Things somehow will work out, even if you don't feel like they will. Also, I'm not sure what your 2 (or more) paths are, but keep in mind that if you take one path and decide you don't like that choice, you can most likely change your mind and start down the other path. Most things aren't set in stone, if that makes sense - you can always change your mind in the future.

Good luck with everything. It WILL all be okay :)

Incredible Eating Anorexics said...

things will be ok. because, there is no other alternative. its always going to turn out ok. :-) ok? xxx

Courtney said...

Brie, I'm so sorry things are so tough right now. I wish I had more inspiring insight but my own anxiety and struggles have kinda dried up my well of wisdom (if there ever was such a thing).

Just know you're not alone. And that even when you can't see how things could possibly work out those of us who have seen your progress know you have defied the impossible many times.

Hang in there will not only BE okay, you already ARE okay (even when it doesn't feel like it).

Stacy said...

Anxiety has a nasty little face doesn't it?!
You are in my prayers Brie. I pray for your sanity and mine. Life has all these choices and they are so hard to figure out sometimes. We are having a hard time discerning between inspiration/guidance and our own thoughts and feelings be wanting to make the right choice, Ryan and I just had the discussion about it last night, since I am starting to spaz out in the situation.
I hope you find what is best for you and it will all be ok... you are strong and whatever it is YOU CAN MAKE IT OK wherever it takes you.
xo xo

Tia said...

You have been doing awesome - and if course there will be tough times - but you have shown so much strength. A little weakness is OK. you will bounce back, I believe in you.

Quinn said...

It'll get better! And keep in mind you recently kicked all kinds of ass and hit your goal weight, which is a huge, huge accomplishment. I tend to do that, not give myself enough credit for how far I've come and I'm hoping you're not doing the same. I'll be thinking about you!

Laur said...

You know that I understand about the "A." But keep in mind that you have not seen me in a while. Oh if you could see my skin. Feel pretty nast to stay the least. I have been thru two packs of proactive with no success and switched foundation four times. Just keeps gettin worse. Oh and I haven't had my hair colored in about six months. I am GROSSE. Let me know if you have any advice on "adult acne." I need it. Lets talk soon ok?

Stevie said...

Sending a cyber-hug, because my arms don't reach all the way to Utah.

This too shall pass. It will get better. It will be okay. Honest.


Maeve said...

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling but it's good you have a good team to help you through.

Just remember: we love you even if you're anxious, dealing with adult acne, or even licking your cats!

You are a superb person and you will pull through!!!

Jade said...

It will get better. Especially since you have such a great support system with so many people to help you through this time. I believe there is nothing worse than anxiety, but it feels so good once you've gone through it, learned from it, and come out on top.

Alexandra Rising said...

I just want to echo the comment left by Stevie [Steph?]. Simple and to the point. Well said :]
Hugs included.

allegri said...

Oh sweet cakes. I am so sorry that you are going through a crappy time right now. But you have the tools, + you are using them. Which is AMAZING. And because you are doing what you need to, everything will be ok. We all need to hear it, alot. I am praying for you lovie.

Just That ZombieGrrl said...

I would point out how strong you are to have already overcome so much, but I'm guessing you already know you're strong and amazing. I would point out that everything's going to be okay, and probably even better than just "okay," because you have a wonderful family and enthusiastic friends, and an amazing strong constitution. But, instead, I'm going to focus on reminding you that you're Brie, you're awesome, and you'll live through this to tell the tale (and put it in a book) of everything you've been through.

Since I can't hug you in person (the whole Indiana to Utah trek and all), I'm sending e-hugs and good vibes your way.

Brooke said...

Hey Breeze,

I know that two paths in life are NEVER easy. I'm sure ours are NOT the same, but when it comes to life decisons, they are NEVER easy! I've been through a few this year.I love you and I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Just know I love you and I'm always here for you. Call or text anytime. Love ya sis! Lets talk soon!

brie said...

thanks to all for your comments. honestly? they mean so much and i truly wonder sometimes how i'd get by without you all by my side (virtually, of course) cheering me on and carrying me through the tough times. i truly adore you all and am so grateful for you all.


brie said...

PS: my boobs look HUGE in that pic. sweet moses!

withoutexit said...

i never left a comment before,but i always read your posts and actually love them all. i love your attitude!
and,also, reading what you share is really helping me with my ED.
so,given the fact that you're giving me so much,even if you don't know it, i wanted to give YOU something this time!
HUGE hugs! and things will be ok. you can be sure of that. it's possible it will be hard,but in the end everything will be fine! just keep going on!
hang in there,lady!

Tylaine said...

I'm so sorry you're going through crap Brie! You've come so far and have been so strong and corageous and all that sappy junk and I know you will come throw this too! :)
You're awesome Brie!!!
Totally love that peace sweater you got on!!!

jenny said...

ugh.. i hate anxiety.. i know all too well how you feel.

i had a career and thought everything was great until i was miserable.. now that i'm making a change for the better.. the transition just SUCKS.

plain old sucks.
and hard.

i just have to remind myself to take it a day at a time and that i'm building myself toward something better.. that i want.. that i know will make me happy..

it's just the getting there part..

Kerri said...

I would love to say everything will be okay, but I am stuck in an anxiety bubble too and taking lots of daily benzos just to make it through the day. My whole life has changed in the last month, hubby left me, I moved several provinces over, moved in with the parents, got a new job, and my poor son had to start first grade in all that mess with Mommy having major anxiety.

BUT, this week I decided to, for the first time in YEARS do something I wanted to do, but that my anxiety has always held me back from- I went to a Taekwondo class Monday... and then every class they had this week. And I have noticed that the day after a class I am less anxious. Right now I feel like I might be okay (because I had a class last night). I am even going to go to a family class with the boy next Saturday because he is taking TKD too. Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe taking some time for BRIE, doing something for yourself, could help with that? A focus if you will... Anyway, lots of hugs from soon to be frozen Canada. I know you can get through this too!

kristin said...

I am sending you bunches and bunches of good vibes and big hugs!

Take care, Brie. Hang in there!

gingerbread girl said...
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