Monday, November 8, 2010

Time Passes

Hi friends. It’s been so long.

Why haven’t I written you ask? I honestly think it’s because I’ve had SO MUCH going on, I just got so overwhelmed. I didn’t want to write a blog because I had no idea where to write and what to say and what not to say and really it just got to be too much. This girlfriend isn’t usually bereft of words, but let’s just say it’s been quite a month.

A quick update:
I went back to work at [Healthcare Company] for an indeterminate period of time. I am here to help catch them up and keep them afloat while they look for someone to fill the position I am currently subbing in for. The pay is great and they enticed me with all that money; visions of new pair after pair of TOMS dancing before my eyes. ;) So I’m back to work for 20 hours a week. It’s been quite the adjustment, after getting used to sleeping in every morning. This am my alarm went off at 6:30 and I literally wanted to spontaneously combust and maybe DIE because at least that would have meant I’d have gotten shipped off to the hospital where they’d let me sleep rather than go into work at 7 am and sit in my lil’ cubicle and stare at spreadsheet after spreadsheet…
Yikes. I’m making my job sound SUPER FUN aren’t I? ;)

Halloween was a lot of fun – we went to party after party. Cade was Iron Man and I was a Cold Person Having an Acute Allergic Reaction. I was quite the sight!

Therapy stuff is going good – more or less meh the same. Between seeing the Almighty T 2x/week and my D once/week and and and having group once/week and seeing my other T once/week and my ED doc every other week, sweet Jezebel I have NO free time, because if I’m not in Mental Health Land getting help for all my effing problems, I’m at work! Can we just say I’m really overwhelmed? And busy? And preoccupied? I mean I know what I’m doing is working, because I’m maintaining my weight even though it’s HARD (I haven’t weighed this much since I was pregnant with Cade!) and I hate my, you know, exploding thighs, but I’m doin’ it, I’m making this recovery thing work, so even though I sigh and grumble about all my appointments, they’re really what’s keeping me afloat right now. So I’ll zip my lips and halt my fingers on the complainage. Moving on!

This Friday I have a big anniversary coming up – it’s the one year marker of losing Kendall. Very quietly consumed by grief and “what if’’s.” the holiday’s are always hard, and they’re even harder now, missing her, and also thinking back to where I was last year at this time – so consumed by grief and so SICK physically with the ED, grossly underweight, but also so sick in my mind and in my heart. I’m glad I’m not there anymore but it seems all my holiday memories are tainted by some of the icky stuff. Please, please, if you’d like, join me on Friday by writing love on your arm in honor of Kendall and anybody that you have lost.

I’m now uberly obsessed with the show Criminal Minds. Husband and I watch a few episodes of night and I’m ravenously devouring it! It ranks right up there with Biggest Loser, but I still don’t think ANYTHING can trump my love for Jillian and her eyebrows…anyone else watch this show and love it?

Big B is doing well. He’s really busy with work and school and is still my main squeeze. Currently he and Lil’ C are at home pukin’ away. I’m gleefully noshing on Sour Cream ‘n Onion chips, glad I’m not. ;)

I’ve tried to intermittently post a few photos that were taken this past month here on the blog too. (Scratch that, Blogger won't let me upload them.  Grrr!)  Hope you are all well and happy and recovering and like loving life. I know I’m trying to over here, even on days like today where I just want to sigh, pull my covers over my head, and hibernate. Wuv you all.


Little Miss Paige said...

Wow. Just as I thought my life was hard, this post reminded me that it's okay. I am on the verge of tears because I just "lost" my best friend and by "lost," I mean we're not talking. But you've actually lost. This is just what I needed. If you're doing it and making it through while being grateful and having a sense of humor, I can too.
They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. But I disagree.

lisalisa said...

I miss your blog! You sound very busy but it seems like you are handling things well :). I will be thinking of you this Friday and will def write love on my arm!

Cammy said...

Hey girlfriend, have missed you. Sounds like you've got a lot going on right now, but that you're handling things like the winner that you are. Will be thinking of you and your family on Friday, milestones and significant dates are hard but can also be useful in making us step back and recognize our growth over a given year. You've done such an amazing job of handling the situation and getting back on your feet. It doesn't mean you've left Kendall behind, it just means that you've grown and she will always be a part of that process.

Alicia B. Designs said...

I've been missing your posts...hang in there! In my recovery I've been able to start blogging again--things start to happen in recovery I'm realizing! Good things. Also, Jillian makes me's probs those eyebrows.


rachel ramsay said...

i loves criminal minds with mathew gray gubler... he's my type... i think.

Will said...

I'm sorry you are down- maybe it's this time of year...seasons to reflect. Just don't be so sad that you look back on the last year and realize that you've wasted one whole year not really living- but just trying to get by.
I try to wake up and say all the things I AM thankful for everymorning. i.e. that i have electricity that my alarm went off, running water to brush my teeth, legs to get out of bed. It really does change your attitude all day long b/c there are SO many things to be thankful for.

Heather Lindquist said...

I think it's okay to have crappy days, sad days, pissed off days. Isn't about balance?

I have a friend from Turkey. On the one year anniversary of my mom's death, she shared with me a turkish tradition. I liked it so much I now try to do it every year.......

The jist of it, is to honor their memory by sharing this person with others (who knew her and who didn't). Since they thoroughly enjoy their sweets over there in Turkey, she said that people bake or buy sweets (cookies, cakes, candy, etc) and share them with their friends and family at a little party (at work or home). In addition to the sweets, you share your thoughts and feelings about this person to everyone. I made a collage of pictures of my mom and me and then wrote little notes of memories to hand out to my friends. When I actually make the time to do this every year, it always leaves me feeling a bit "lifted up."

Kendall was alive and real and wonderful. You experienced her life inside you more than anyone else. Perhaps you could share some sweets and memories/thoughts/feelings about Kendall with your family to honor the precious time she spent within you.

Oh.....and I love Criminal Minds too!

Dianne said...

So a couple of (probably unrelated) things:

Oh yeah, Criminal Minds. LONG been a favorite. Have you seen the one where the dude returns for Hotch's family? INTENSE! And Shemar Moore could not be more delicious. I saw him on some talk show and was SO surprised that he was all gang-banger and hood-like! And I'm pretty sure that Dr. Reid is related to us, on account his last name is 'Gubler' and we got Gubes in our family tree. Yup.

Observation: Just FYI, a real turning point in my life related to the whole food thing is deciding that I am NOT defined as an eating disorder and simply becoming ME. It's been invigorating and enlightening and probably lots of other words ending in -ing.

And: I will think of Kendall on Friday. And will think of you. And I will think of my Mother, who I KNOW is proud of me.

Alexandra Rising said...

I've had a hard time catching up on blogs [or doing much more than updating my fb status] while at LHI...I wish I had seen this earlier. I would have written love, not for TWLOHA [as Ive been hearing shady things about them], but for Kendall.


Jenna said...

love your blog! can't wait to follow and read more!
come visit mine as well :)