Friday, September 24, 2010

Aching for Kendall

Cade asks me several times a day if I'm having a baby.  When I tell him no, he asks, so innocently, "'But Mommy, why not?"  He asks me repeatedly if Baby Penny (his cousin, who was born on the day Kendall was due) can be his little sister, and when I reply and tell him that she's not his sister, just his cousin, he gets sad, and begs me to be her mommy so she can be his sister.

I ache that I can't give him another sibling.  I ache that Kenall is gone.  Because if I could; if Cade were old enough so he could understand, I'd sit him on my lap and tell him that his sister is gone but that he's still a big brother anyway, and I'd try to explain to him that someday, he'll get to be a big brother in this lifetime, and someday, Mommy will be pregnant again.

But when I tell him these things, he doesn't understand.  And I think he's lonely.  And it makes me sad.  It makes me ache.

6 comments:

Stacy said...

I am sorry Brie. I don't understand how you feel but I feel love and sadness for you. I pray you may snuggle miss Kendall in your dreams at night until you have her baby brother or sister to hold in your arms. Hugs Brie...

allegri said...

My heart ached when I read this. My heart grieves for Kendall, You, Cade + Brandon. That is soo cute that Cade wants sweet Penny to be his sister. Cade has such a sweet heart. Someday he will understand + things will be less bittersweet. Just wait until you feel those loving little kicks again.

Maeve said...

*HUGE HUGS*

Like Allegri, my heart ached when I read this.

Although it might not make your hurt any less, know that the message that shines in this post is that you are a fantastically strong person and a wonderful mother who is raising Cade to be a child you should be proud of.

emo said...

Cade is going to make a great big brother!I hope having another baby can work out for you guys.:)

Alexandra Rising said...

Kendall is always with you. She will never be forgotten.

&Brie, I PROMISE Cade will be okay without siblings to play with until a sister or brother comes along. He will understand about Kendall in a few years and he will always love her..but he will be okay without a playmate for now, I do believe. Children have wondrous imaginations and know how to entertain themselves in the most amazing ways. Don't worry about him being too lonely for now :]

But never undermine YOUR feelings either. They are valid because you feel them.

wewantedtheirwings said...

My eyes are leaking tears all down my cheeks & I think soon they'll turn into sobs & oh no, it's happening already....

Maybe you Kendall & my Ava are friends up there. I'm praying for you, Brie, even if that's weird seeing as we don't really 'know' each other. I think we should be friends. Yes.

Love,
Katie xx