Saturday, September 11, 2010

A Compliment of Meaningful Proportions

So the Almighty T is not one to hand praise out like candy.  When she tells you that you're doing well, or that she's proud of you, it's rare, and thus treasured - because she doesn't say it often; so when she does say it, she means it - and it feels damn good to get that validation.

During group therapy on Thursday I was talking to my gals about the progress I'm making, and about  how being at this higher weight is super scary and super unknown and weird and uncomfortable, but I was telling them that I didn't regret it, you know, gaining weight  - not one little bit, because though my weight gives me anxiety, I'm also happy.  I'm content, and I have time to play Mario v. Bowser with the mini man and play hide and seek with him and clean my house and have real and meaningful conversations with my friends and kiss my husband because I'm not too preoccupied tallying the calories I've consumed that day and what that means for the rest of the day's allotment and am I gaining weight and oh the horror I'm fat and gross blah blah blah.  I don't do that anymore.  I'm fleshing out (pun intended haha) my personality, and my likes and my dislikes and I'm becoming a real freakin' person now - I'm finally figuring out who the H bomb I am.  And it's liberating and scary and exhilarating and I LOVE IT.

So as I was telling my group girls this, and that recovery is HARD but so worth it, and I told them to keep fighting, keep working on getting better, because I can tell you that the grass is greener on the other side - it's practically golden.  :)  And life isn't always perfect and easy, but I can certainly tell you that it's easier to deal with life and the curve balls thrown at you when you are nourished and taking care of yourself - everything is just more manageable and doable. 

I mean, now that I'm here, sittin' in recovery, I wonder why I didn't freaking do this sooner - why didn't I choose this all along?  Because YES recovery is harder than staying sick - getting better and gaining weight and working through your struggles in therapy is so much braver than choosing the eating disorder, but you guys -- YOU GUYS -- I PROMISE you that getting better is so much happier, it's so much easier, and life, who knew, is beautiful and fun and mysterious and exciting.  And I love it.

And as I talked in group about all this, the Almighty T couldn't hide her smile, and she said, "Brie.  Brie, I am so freaking proud of you.  You have no idea how far you've come."

And I looked her right in the eye, and I didn't shrug off the compliment, nope, I didn't.  I took that compliment and I told her THANK YOU and I smiled wide and felt really, really good.  :)


eden said...

that is awesome! i love compliments like that. and you sound so much better and healthier, etc, etc. yay you!

Jade said...

Awesome! This will give hope to a lot of girls out there. Keep it up!!

Eleanor said...

You are pinnacle of AWESOMENESS.
Brie, you are an inspiration to the girls in your group, you're an inspiration to your therapist, you're an inspiration to your son and husband, and you're an inspiration to all those that know you through the blogging community and otherwise.
You deserve to feel proud of yourself - you've come such a long way, made the most incredible progress and overcome some of the hardest of obstacles.

You are an inspiration to me. I am struggling to accept recovery, and you have just shown me that it's worth the pain, time and effort.
Thank you.

Thank YOU.


Cammy said...

Reading this post also felt really really good, and inspiring and moving. Thanks for sharing this, SO glad you've soldiered on through the rough patches and made it to this point, you deserve nothing less than the best!

Grayce said...

Wow. I just found your blog last night. I am totally going to sound stalkerish and creepy, (i'm really not though-- promise!) because I don't even know you, but I stayed up reading until like 3 am! Your story, in so many ways, reminds me of my own. This post was one I had to comment on because it hit me.. you know, deeply. It inspired me. In my current relapse with Anorexia, I am teetering-- trying to make the damn choice to jump-- one way or the other! preferably to the recovery side. This post inspired me. Thanks for being real and honest and for telling your story here.

by the way, my name is Grayce.

Anne said...

ok, miss thang. i am teary eyed reading this post. i, too, am so proud of you, brie (so many commas, i know). i love you and am cheering for you every day.

love, anne anderson (your short term cfc roomie)

Lindsay said...

That's SOOO awesome. :) Congratulations.

Kara said...

Brie - good for you! I've been reading your blog for years and I wouldn't have believed this from anyone else. Everyone always says, that recovery is really worth it - but I never quite believe them. But - you - I will always take your word. Thank you.

brie said...

thanks SO MUCH all for these comments.

i'm glad that this post perhaps helped and/or inspired you. writing this post was really great and therapeutic for me, because i think it's important for me to recognize how far i've come and how worth this "little" thing called recovery really is (haha).

i love you all. thanks for believing in me and celebrating with me when i have these successes. they are so much sweeter with all of you here, cheering me on. :)


allegri said...

The "I'm fleshing out" line made me cackle. Chicka you are amazing + I too congratulate + am proud. (:

Em said...

Bask in the glow of that compliment. You deserve it.

Em said...

Bask in the glow of that compliment. You deserve it.

agoraphob said...

YOU rock!

Sarah said...

We're all proud of you. This was an amazing post! I'm so happy for you, Brie!

Maeve said...

Reading this post made me cry so hard.

It is so awesome to read about how you're kicking butt at recovery. That is just so fantastic. You are just so fantastic.

It was also exactly the reminder I needed that even on the bad days the effort is worth it since the outcome is so much better than this damn disease. Thank you!!

Penny said...

I just read this and I think that you should leave this post up for ever. I will never for get it. We have been on your very long journey more or less together. What a battle you have had and what a war you have fought. I will never forget it. I am still kind of speechless and love you so much and thanks to you and your therapy team and to your husband....You are all amazin

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

YES. Yes, yes, yes. This is exactly what it's all about. This is what I've been saying for a long time. And to hear you saying it makes me so happy. You have every right to be proud of yourself and I'm glad your T told you so too. Keep that mindset ready and waiting so that on a bad day you can remember what you are saying here. :)

Sia Jane said...

Maintaining "health" is hard and painful, and time consuming, and challenging and YET! Full of so much hope and love and joy.
It gets easier.
Each day, it gets easier.
You should feel very proud xxxx