Well Hello, Beautiful

I've been MIA for the past few days because something extraordinary has happened in my life.  I have been transformed.  I have been transfixed.  I have been smitten.  I have been awed.

I have an iPad.

Brandon surprised me with it on Saturday.  I got out of the shower, walked into my bedroom to get dressed, and there she was, waiting for me on my pillow.  I did a naked happy dance that involved an irish jig and the running man and a kick or two.  Her name is PaddyCake and we are in love.  We do everything together.  We're a team.  I love her.  I'd devour her if I could.

So if I'm not around over the next few days, it's because I'm getting to know PaddyCake in every way possible.  I must explore this new iWorld that has just opened up to me!  She is so perfect, and her look is complete with an orange smart cover.  Could Brandon have done a better job picking out what I wanted - a white iPad with an orange cover?  That is SO ME.

PS - if you have any favorite apps, please share, as I am new to the Apple App World and would likey me some suggestions.

PPS - yes, that is my BEAUTIFUL PRECIOUS PERFECT cat set as my wallpaper.  Everyone makes fun of me when they see it because they think it should be a picture of Mila or Cade or something.  What can I say, I guess I'm just nerdy like that!

Remembering on this day.

In loving memory, Kendall Penny Breivik.

I've been thinking a lot today about Kendall (obviously).  And I've been SO SAD.  Because honestly, 2 years ago today, was probably the worst day of my life.  I sat alone in a cold dark examining room while my doctor told me that my daughter was gone.  There are no happy memories of this day.  And so I have been overwhelmed with those past feelings and memories of something so traumatic.

And yet.

I can't regret how everything happened, can I, because then that would mean regretting how things turned out and regretting that Mila is here.  If Kendall had lived, then I would not have Mila, and that is not acceptable to me - Mila is already such an integral part of my life and my heart; I absolutely cannot picture my life without her in it.  So yes, everything happened for a reason, and it happened as it was supposed to.

But that doesn't mean that this day doesn't still hurt.
So I've cried.  A lot.
And I've remembered her.
And I've missed her.
And then I'm going to gather my baby girl in my arms and snuggle with her and tell her all about her big sister Kendall, who gave this most amazing sacrifice, so she could be here.
And then I'll be okay.

(Thank you to the overwheming number of people who wrote love on their ams today and sent me pictures.  Each one filled me with gratitude that I have such awesome people in my life who remember me and what happened.  I am truly blessed to have all of you.)

Commemorating Conundrum

What is everybody up to this weekend?  I don't have much going on, and with tomorrow being The Anniversary, I am nervous not having any plans, because I'm worried I'll get really sad and somber and just down; I wish I had something to do to keep me occupied.  It's hard not having a grave I can put flowers on or any photos to look back on for memories - all I have are blurry ultrasound photos and the remembrance of her movements inside me.  I want to remember Kendall, but I don't know how to.  I wrote her a letter, and I thought about sharing it here on my blog, but in the end decided not to, because it is extremely raw and extremely personal.  But...it just feels wrong to pretend like it is any other day and not do anything to respect and commemorate her.  I just don't know what to do.  :/

...It seems everybody that's cool these days in Blog Land is signing off with a cute little signature.  I was kind of jels looking at everybody else's, so I decided to make one of my own.  Don't know if it'll last, but I'm kind of a fad girl, so I'll go with it.

Pom Pom Headband

I found this tutorial (thank you Pinterest!) for a pom pom headband for Mila.  I think it turned out pretty darn snazzy.  The worst part was cutting out the fabric circles; I wanted to poke out my eyes with the scissors because of the monotony, but I was happy with the end result.  And of course it doesn't hurt that my daughter absolutely ROCKS the headband and makes it look even more adorable!

Reasons to Recover Craft

So last week, the T asked me to write a list of reasons to recover, despite the fact I hate my body where it is and wish it could be smaller.  So I wrote the list, and read it to her in our next session.  She remarked that the list was all well and good, but how was it going to be helpful to me?  If I just folded it up and shoved it into the cavernous depths of my diaper bag, and promptly forgot about it, then why was writing the list even beneficial in the first place?  Hmmm.  Good point.

So I decided to make this craft.  I got a canvas and painted on it, then wrote my reasons to recover on the canvas, then mod podged over the whole thing.  And really, it doesn't look very good, and it's only going in my bathroom so that most people don't see it, but at least I did something with it, right?  At least I'll look at it every day and remember why it is so vital that I get over this and move on and finally live. 

I kind of felt like I was inpatient again, (holy blast from the Sick Person blast!) in art therapy, doing some sort of artistic project that was supposed to, like, make me recover, and it kind of gave me the eebie jeebies!  -- It felt pretty foreign, and I actually didn't really enjoy Art Tx much in treatment, so I'm surprised I went for this, but I like the outcome, and I'm glad I did.  Crafty Brie is certainly emerging more and more!  At least I'm putting some of this creative energy to good use, right?

An Anniversary

This Saturday, November 12, 2011, marks the 2 year anniversary of losing my sweet Kendall.  I hope you will remember her on this day with me by writing love on your arm.  I'd love your support, and I know she would, too.

Last year I remembered her in this way.  This year I am going to do something special, too.

Trying my Hand at Painting

I am posting these pictures with a little trepidation; I know I'm not the greatest painter in the world, but when Angela suggested we do a painting craft, I decided I'd try it.  Keep in mind that I have NEVER painted in my entire life - never once have I taken a painting class; the closest I've come was painting an apple with watercolors in 6th grade.
And these are supposed to be abstract.  And they're not even close to perfect, but that's kind of what I was going for.  And my self-esteem is already tenuous, so please don't make fun of me.  That's all!

Mila:

And here was the inspiration for the painting:

Cade:

Here was the picture I used for him:

Mila's painting was especially hard because I originally started the painting in color, only to quickly realize that black and white is muuuch easier.  So I had to go over my color and Angela helped me re-work it, and this is what was eventually the end result.  Cade's was much easier to do; the shadowing and coloring was much simpler.  Also, I was actually holding Mila in one arm while I painted, because she was fussy, so I suppose I get a few more points for painting with an infant in my arms!

So there it is.  Don't know if I'll ever attempt it again, but hey, now that I don't have an ED and am trying to figure out what I am other than That Skinny Sick Chick, maybe it was okay to try painting.  I discovered I'm certainly not The Bad Ass Painter, but maybe I'll figure something else out.  :)