Cheesy Tears, Periods, & a Little Poop

Been an emotional week for me friends.  Lots and lotsa crying.  I had one of those moments in therapy yesterday that left me feeling completely bereft and lonely and devastated - just really feeling the true depth of my low self-worth and goodness in this life and I just sobbed and sobbed, wishing I could be more. 

I've feared cries like those my whole life - you know, the kind of tears that are gut-wrenching and hurt as they leave you and leave you heaving for breath and wondering if the pain will ever end - but, inevitably, it always does.  And after the tears comes the release - the feeling of calm and maybe not necessarily  immediate "okay-ness" but knowing that eventually, in the end, everything is going to be alright.  And I'm learning that running from the tears doesn't make everything okay, and it doesn't make the pain disappear, but allowing yourself the honor to feel those emotions and giving yourself a chance to actually feel and not be some lifeless, perfect robot is what is real and beautiful in this life.  I'm learning this.  It's painful but it's also breathtaking and awe inspiring.  :)  (Did I really just say it was an "honor" to cry?  What am I turning into my mother?  I.NEED.HELP.)

So away from the gushy emotional stuff, and on to a funny story:
So my sister M was telling us a story of how one of her neighbors, upon hearing that her daughter had started the P word, (read: menstruation) to celebrate with her daughter, (and incidentally I'm sure HORRIFY her) she took her to a clothing store and told her she could buy a RED outfit - you know, like, in honor of bleeding? (Stay with me people, this is a TRUE STORY.)  I was eating dinner when I heard this story, and I was like, "I'm ssssssssso not hungry anymore," and then the Husband was like, "Man, that's horrible.  That would be like my dad taking me to buy the tallest hat he could find after I told him I had my first boner."
BAHAHAHA
That is why I love my man.

What else?  Went to the gardens at Thanksgiving Pointe today.  It was lovely.  Whit pulled the mini-man in a wagon and I pushed Baby Penny (I nanny twice a week) and it was all grand and a smashin' good time until my kid diarrhea-d in his PANTS.  Like this liquid green goo was all over and I had to throw his Lightning Mcqeen underpants in the garbage and YES he's currently going commando and I had to wipe smelly crap off his thighs and squishy little butt and my pits and boobies were sweatin' and I was like IT'S TIME TO GO HOME.  Being a mom is awesome.

Had a really fun weekend with Bananas - she came to visit me allllll the way from CA.  We ate and got pedi's and ate and painted pottery (mine looks like CRAP) and ate some more and laughed a lot and had a really really grand time.  :)  It was so awesome of her to come out just to visit lil' old me.

Not much else going on.  Just wuv you guys.
Kisses.

A Senseless Tragedy

My aunt and uncle's nephew was murdered yesterday in an absolutely devastating and senseless tragedy.  Please pray for them and for the family and loved ones of the deceased.  May God be with them.

Read more about it --> here <--

Took Me a Little Longer than Most

Things over here have been averagely okay with a lot of busyness thrown in there and a touch of crazy. I am spending HOURS a day now on my book project and don’t have much time (or energy) for much else aside from the requisite tickle fight with my mini man and some facebook playing. (Yes, it took awhile, but I’ll admit, I am finally addicted to facebook. Le sigh.) I spend hours sitting in this chair, in front of this computer and notebook (with my notes and outline for the book in it) staring into space and wishing that the popcorn there on the table wasn’t burnt and that my Diet Coke would refill itself. And when I’m not wondering about that suuuuper important stuff, I’m writing my book of course – I’ll get in spurts of inspiration and pound out paragraphs on my keyboard before lapsing back into a writer’s coma.

By the way, thanks to all who participated in the survey – you have no idea how much you helped us. We received well over 200 entries and are so grateful for the input. So. You’re da bombest! By the way, I may be periodically asking you for help and input on certain aspects of my book, so I hope it’s alright if I ask at times for volunteers to share their insight and experiences with me. Please and thank you in advance.

So I still have no idea what’s going on with my dietary shiz and the ultimatum I was given, etc. I was basically told that I can’t know all the answers about my treatment goals weight-wise because a lot of those questions are just me wanting my eating disorder to know what the H bomb is going on and that’s just letting the eating disorder win and be in control blah blah blah so just trust us and trust the process blah. So I’m trying. I dunno. Honesty moment? It’s like hard. Like, really really hard. BUT at the same time, I do know that I want recovery and I want to do this right this time and I really like and trust my treatment team so I’m going to try to, you know, let go and let God. Or at any rate let go and let my treatment team take (or DRAG) me down this path of recovery. I know God loves me but I can’t imagine he’d wish the hellacious torture on me known as 6 Boost Pluses a day. Shivers.

You know what else I’m finally figuring out? Working through the emotional overgrowth that leads to/contributes to an ED is
SO MUCH
harder than even the food and weight gain stuff. I don’t think I ever thought I’d admit that, because it’s so much easier to moan and groan about gaining weight and eating enough to feed Dumbo and his kinky girlfriend, but that’s not even half the battle. Working through my eewy eewy grossy goo is a lot harder and a lot more emotionally expending. And when I feel all my emotions…with no buffer for them, like hunger or weight loss…man it’s hard. I guess this is what being an adult and growing up is like – facing your problems head on and solving them rather than collapsing in a hysterical heap on the floor. I mean I do that too sometimes because it’s so FUN but really I don’t think it’s very conducive to living, you know, a stable life.
So.
It took a little longer for me than most…but I’m glad I’m figuring this stuff out now. It’s time I grow up.

Time to go now…been writing for hours and my brain is FRIED.

Meet my Partner in Crime

I’d like to introduce to you my friend and co-author of our book…er…Untitled.
Meet Shelly.
The Shell-Meister.
Shell Biscuits (only you can’t call her that because ONLY I CAN).

Shelly’s awesome. She’s in recovery from a very serious eating disorder herself and is seasoned, like me, in the ins and outs of inpatient treatment for an eating disorder and related addictions. She has a lot of wit and insight to add to the book and it’s going to be really, really great. Seriously you guys, we’re so excited!  But, of course, she's much more than an eating disorder.  She's sarcastic and witty and funny as hell and kind and I totes admire her for all the hard work she's done to get where she is today.  She's da raddest.
So, please check out her blog here so that you can get to know her more.

And if you hate her, then I HATE YOU so be nice.  :P

We Need Your Help!

EVERYONE!

Plllleeeeaaassssse take (literally) less than a minute to fill out this survey Co-Author and I have created.  We want to get a feel for what people would be interested in reading, if we were to publish this book we're working on.  The survey only has 5 questions, it's multiple choice so you can't get too confuzzled, and it would greatly help us!  And, since the survey is completely anonymous, please be as absolutely honest as possible.  After all, it *is* the best policy.

Click --> HERE <-- to take the survey.
And please leave any additional thoughts and comments here!

Kisses.

Write This Very Minute

I'm a total NEGLECTER of information.  I forgot to tell you one of the main reasons why I quit my job in July, other than, what was it?  "The Man can suck it?"
Oh yes.
I'M GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!

Yes, that's right.  :)  In January '11 I'll be going back to finish my degree in English Lit with an emphasis in Writing, to hopefully work in the publishing industry when I graduate.

This decision feels right and so so good and so so scary!  But I know I was meant for more than this. 

Also...
Can't say much now, because we're just in the wee germination stage, but a friend and I (not going to tell you who she is until she gives me permission) are in the works for co-authoring a FABULOUS book.  In fact, we're meeting in an hour to go over logisitics.  BUT she is absolutely amazing and a fabulous writer and we could really reach and help a lot of people with our voice.  We both have amazing stories to tell.

Cade starts preschool next month so that gives me at least 8 hours a week to focus on my writing.  I know that's not a lot but I'll take what I can get, so as he goes to preschool I'll head to a cafe to focus on my book.  I need to stop just talking about writing my book, and actually start writing it!

So, suffice it to say, this book we're thinking of starting is going to be absolute MURDERATION.  Stay tuned for more info!

Oh, Now Mama's Okay

I smoothed the whole pesky "I may have to go private" sitch over.  So, for now, you shall all continue to be gloriously blessed by my public blog.  Can't always promise it'll remain that way, but for now, I think I talked to the person in question and worked some stuff out.  This may require me to edit a bit what I want to say and how I want to say it, but for now, I'll live with that.  I'm having way too much fun rediscovering blogging to give it up now.

Phew for a crisis averted!