Tell it Like it is

I have relapsed.
There.

I said it.
I freaking said it.

I have lost a significant amount of weight in a fairly short period of time.

I was referring to what was happening as a "slip," but it's not.  My therapist is right; it's a "relapse."

I am on official weight gain and am eating a large mealplan plus drinking four Boost Pluses a day to gain weight.  I am committed to gaining the weight and am literally stuffing my face with food.  Because I am so tall and naturally thin and have the metabolism of Lance Armstrong, it takes A LOT of calories to get me to gain.

And in all of this...I keep thinking...

WHY AM I RELAPSING?  WHY DID I DO THIS?  WHY DID I DO THIS TO MY CHILDREN?

And all I can come up with is...
ANGER.
I'm so angry.  I'm angry at my friends who refuse to get better, and at Kendall for not being here, and at myself.  Mostly at myself.  Because I cannot get better.  Because I have this amazing life, but continually ruin it over and over again with the devastating affects of anorexia.

I KNOW I don't value being thin over being happy and being a healthy and competent parent to my children.  Yet I let this "slip" get worse and worse, until my BMI has officially put me in the criteria for anorexia.  And, the affects are here: I am anxious and irritable and focused on my body.  I am grouchy and preoccupied.  I have headaches, I get dizzy.  I am taking antibiotics to get over a bladder infection, which for me, is a classic and very common symptom I get when I am restricting and dehydrated.

I hate this.  I hate how I am.

So I am fixing it.  I am fixing what my denial did.  I am fixing the stupid justifications I made to myself when I would skip a meal or a snack, that always added up to more and more restricting.  I am fixing the lies I told to my dietician and therapist.  I am fixing my damaged relationships.

And it takes a lot longer to fix something than it takes to break it.

So I am here, wandering, looking at the devastating mess I've made.  And I WILL fix it.  I have to. 

BUT I have to end this post by telling you I am fixing this.  That it's not just empty words.  That I am gaining weight.  That I am going into therapy and figuring out why this relapse happened.
I'm not going to give up.
And I thank you for your love and support.

XO

Rah

I'm sorry for my post last night.  It was in the middle of the night and I was feeling raw and emotional and much more uninhibited than I usually am.

I am debating on whether or not I should take it down.  To those that commented or sent me personal texts/emails about this, I appreciate it.  I truly do.  Your words meant so much and it is so nice to know that I am Good to some people. 

I have a lot to say.  I kind of want to proverbially puke all over the keyboard and get out so much.  I have a ton going on this weekend because today is Mila's birthday (a post to come) and tomorrow is my birthday, but I WILL get a post up soon about what is happening for me.  I need an outlet.

Again, thanks for putting up with me.  I'll leave you with one birthday pic of Mila; just be prepared for about 56 more to come!  ;)

"I'm Wicked Through and Through"

I am seeing the broadway musical "Wicked" on Saturday.  On my birthday, I get to go see this amazing musical.  And I am beyond thrilled.  Excited.  Giddy and over the moon.

And here's why:

I read the book "Wicked" six or seven years ago.  I remember thinking about it...meh...it was okay.  Kind of weird.  But I guess worth reading.  But as I got into the soundtrack and the musical, and really decided I wanted to see it on Broadway, I decided I wanted to read the book again, just so that when I saw it live, I'd have an idea of what was going on (though I hear the musical adaptation is MUCH different than the book).

So I began to read "Wicked" a second time.

And I bloody well cried my way through the entire book.

Because I am the Wicked Witch of the West.

I started out good.  I started out with passion and with a desire to help other people.  I was fiery and stubborn and obstinate but GOOD.  Inherently good.

But then I was misunderstood.  And that hurt a lot.  And it jaded me. 

And this poor witch, she became bad, but she didn't even mean to be.  Life turned to shit and she threw her hands up in the air and did what she had to do - even if it was bad.  And she became wicked.  Everyone called her wicked, vile, evil.  And so, she began to label herself that way, too.

But never ever, did she really intend to be.   She never intended to be wicked.

And that is me.  I am wicked, though I don't mean to be.  I am bad and I screw everything up and I am misunderstood.

And so, on Saturday, when I see this musical, I am going to sob my way through it.  Because I am the wicked witch.  And I hurt so much.

I'm bad.  But please, please understand that I don't mean to be.  I want to be Good.

I have been sobbing even THINKING about watching the musical.  I finished the book a few nights ago in the middle of the night and pretty well sobbed my way through the rest of the night.  I relate so much to Elphaba, (the Wicked Witch) so much it kills me.  It is hard to read when you feel like you are reading about yourself.  Really upsetting and hurtful things, too.  No, I don't live in Oz, and no, I'm not magical (duh).  But I am different, and I am not "normal," just as she never was.  People label me pretty quickly, before they get to know me.  I am quiet and introverted, so people label me as a snot and that I think I'm better than them.  I am tall and pretty, and so I intimidate people.  I am anorexic, so people think I am off my rocker.

When really?  All I want to be is me.  Just me.  Brie.

And it doesn't end well for her.  You know that she dies in the end.  She dies and it is unfortunate and needless and so painful for her.  But mostly needless.  This person who could have made such a difference in this world, such an impact, dies an early, needless death.

As I am typing this, I am sobbing.

Because I don't want to be wicked.  I don't want to be misunderstood or have my actions misconstrued.  I want to be me.  I want to be a mother.  I want to be a good wife.  I want to be a writer.  I want to be silly and witty and inspiring and helpful.  But right now, all I feel is wicked.

"I'm wicked through and through."

But I don't want to be.  I am scared and I am sad.

The Past Week in Pics

If you are my friend on Facebook or Instagram, (briebreivik) then you've probably already seen these.  But if not, enjoy!

New House Adventure Week 20

Our house is darn near finished - there are a few touches, here and there, that need to be completed, but today they are doing the deep clean of the house, and other than that, pretty much everything is done, aside from a few things on the outside of the house that remain to be finished.

We have the final walk-through of the house next Wednesday, and then we close on Friday.  As in, A WEEK FROM TODAY.  As in, MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE.  As in, IT IS SOON AND I'M EXCITED AND I CAN'T WAIT!!!

And then Monday the 30th, provided all goes as planned (crossing my fingers) and the loan goes through (crossing my toes) we move in.  I WILL BE IN MY NEW HOUSE 10 DAYS FROM NOW.

AAAHHHHH!

Here are a few random pics.  Didn't do a super cohesive and thorough job of taking them, but I managed to get a few:

The subway tile backsplash with our beautiful granite and cupboards.  It looks amazing!

All of our appliances are stainless steel, so it looks really good.  :)

Another view of the kitchen, which is pretty much my favorite part of the house.  Our builders have been bringing prospective homebuyers in from everywhere to tour our house because they love how we decorated the kitchen and want others to see it.  Since I am the Ultimate Novice Decorator, I am flattered!

Our carpet is in!

Another view of the kitchen...

The powder room.  I'm going to add some color to this room because it looks so blah.

Kid's bathroom.  I'm decorating their bathroom in orange and teal.

A view of the master bath.  They were working on it so there are tools and stuff around, but you get the idea.

The back patio and stairs.

The master bathroom floor that they fixed - it was originally wrong, remember?

Our pretty wood floor looks so great with the kitchen and carpet.

The outside of the house.  It is ALMOST complete, but there are still a few finishing touches to be added...

All is Well Here

Hello friends,

So sorry I have been sporadic and absent; that doesn't make for a good blogger, I know.  I am still just trying to adjust to working and mommyhood-life.  PLUS we are moving in like 10 days and so I am busy and distracted with getting all the house stuff ready and organized.

Have a new house post coming soon, you are going to die when you see the pics - pretty much everything is finished, and it looks even more beautiful than I imagined it would.  :)

For now, please be content with an adorable collage with Mila.  I won't neglect you much longer, I promise!!

XO

New House Happenings

Our builder called us with good news - they were wrong when they told us a few days ago that the house wouldn't be ready til mid-August.  And we were like duh, turd herders!  We could have told you that!  So they actually amended our move-in date to sometime during the first week of August, which is THREE weeks from now!  We have our final walk-through in like 10 days, and then just have to get the loan ready and all that stuff.

So much has happened with the house, but I'm saving it all for my next house post.  But this girl is happy again.  Yay!!

Some Happenings

Why hello precious kittens.  Missin' you.

I am so sad about the house news - that we won't be moving in until August, instead of this month.  Brandon and I are still scratching our heads because we cannot figure out for the life of us what is going to take so stinking long.  Today they are installing all the lights, the countertops are almost done, the cupboards are in, the house is painted...they still have to install the carpet, but that is almost all - oh and all the toilets and sinks - but really, does that take an entire month?  NO!  So it sucks.  I had my hopes up so high.  And yeah yeah, I know that in the grand scheme of things, a month is nothing, but I was still hoping.

I'm trying to not let all this house stuff get me too down, but I will admit it's kind of thrown me for a loop.  I know I need to focus on the fact that we even have this awesome house to move into, and I should be grateful for that, and of course I am, but yeah.  I guess it's still okay to be sad that we're not moving as soon as anticipated.

I am headed to Ikea today to look at curtains and lamps and all that stuff though, so maybe that'll cheer me up.  :)

Soooo....I am freaking over the moon excited for my birthday in a couple weeks.  Brandon is taking me to see Wicked on my birthday - BESSSSSSST birthday present eva!  I have wanted to see the musical for a long time, and last time it came to Utah, which was like 5ish years ago, we couldn't afford tickets.  But Brandon got me tickets for my birthday, and we're even going right on the day of my birthday, and I am like a giddy school girl!  I am familiar with the songs ("For Good" LITERALLY makes me cry every time I hear it) and I've read the book, so I am so freaking excited to finally be seeing it in person.  Idina Menzel, who originally played Elphaba, is kind of my new hero.  Unfortunately she's not touring anymore with Wicked, so I won't get to see her live, but I have been youtubing every video of her singing as Elphaba, and I have a major girl-crush on her.  (That's her in the pic.)

Sigh.  I am so excited!

Well, the writage of my bookage has majorly slowed down.  And by slowed down, I mean it isn't happening right now.  It's just HARD with kids.  It's like, could I say, Hey Cade, don't ask for a PB&J when you're hungry, and keep yourself occupied for a few hours, hell go outside by yourself, just don't get kidnapped or hit by a car.  And Mila, don't need your diaper changed or need to be held or need a bottle or anything.  Because I need to write.

I can't say that.
I just don't have time right now, it's so hard having kids who need so much all the time.  And it's even harder to write a sentence or two at a time before I have to help the kids with something.  Even as I've been writing this blog, I've literally had to stop like 10 times to help the kids with something.  It's just so tough to find the time.

And in the evenings when Brandon is home, I'm torn between finally having time to write, between either working or just plain ol' wanting to be with him, since it seems I get so little time with him lately.

I suppose I need to find better ways to manage my time.  :/

Work is sill going well.  At first it was kind of tough because I'm not a confrontive person by nature, and I'm also kinda nice, and so having to hold firm boundaries and rules with the girls was hard, because I honestly just wanted to say yes to everything they asked just so they wouldn't get mad and we'd have to deal with them blowing up at me and cussing me out and all that jazz.  And I knew that as soon as I got some confidence, things would get easier at work, and that does seem to be the case, thankfully.  I am getting better at telling them no and holding them accountable for when they break rules, etc.  And you know what?  They actually respect me more for it!  Last night while working, I was holding a rule with a specific girl who wanted me to bend the rules for her, but I held my ground, and she got angry and blew up, but then actually came back to me later and apologized to me.  And I was like...who knew that being "mean" could be good!?  Holla!  Anyway, I'm learning, and that is also making the job better for me.

Okay, this is long, bam.  Better go.  Love ya'll.

Miss 11 Months

Mila turned 11 months on the 27th of June.  I cannot believe my baby is almost one.  I've had her with me for almost an entire year, and it has been the best year of my life, hands down.  How did I live with out her?

Mila has been growing and changing SO MUCH.  She is a pretty talented little crawler; she can get where she wants really fast.  Totally mastered the art of speed crawilng, that's for sure.  And, now that she's mobile, she gets into EVERYTHING.  I'll walk around and find a pile of books, or a pile of DVD's, or a pile of my socks and underwear, and I think, Yep, that little stinker has been here, all right.  Left her markings!

She isn't walking yet, but she's close.  She stands on her own now, without having to hold onto anything for balance.  She'll just stand up in the middle of a room and look around and just chill until she eventually loses her balance and plunks onto her bottom.  I give it another month or so until she'll be todding around.  So excited for that.  :)

Mila is also still my Toothless Wonder.  Yes, at nearly one year old, my child still has no teeth.  I find this incredible.  None are even on the horizon, either!  Cade was slow getting teeth too, but not this slow - by almost a year, he had one bottom tooth.  I suppose she's just taking her time with the ol' chompers, and I'm perfectly okay with that - as long as she doesn't go all freakazoid on me and never grow ANY teeth.  Shivers.

Mila is still insanely happy.  She loves her big brother more than anything and always wants to be doing what he is doing.  She is a little stranger shy and doesn't like people holding her that she isn't familiar with .  For sure her favorite people are her mommy and daddy and grandma.  She is always smiling though, and I must have trained her well, because the minute she sees a camera, EVEN IF I'M NOT POINTING IT AT HER, she stops what she's doing, and grins like a little fool.  Makes me laugh every time.  :)

She is also obsessed with Diet Coke, and this is something I am NOT happy about!  I don't want my 11 month old getting hopped up on caffeine, but she wants it so desperately.  Every time she sees me drinking some, she lunges and whines for the can, and even though I keep it out of her reach, the little Diet Coke Demon REFUSES to give up and tries and tries and begs and begs for some.  I mean, I belive that Diet Coke is truly the nectar of the Gods, so I get why she likes it so much, but a growing baby needs vit. D milk, not carbonation and caffeine!  What am I to do?

We are weaing Mila off her formula and starting to give her vit. D milk.  So far the transistion is going just fine; she is acclimating to the new taste without really any hiccups.  I am happy it is going so well and even happier that milk is so much cheaper than formula!  Hooray for saving like $40 a month!

So, that's what's been happening in Mila's little world.  So happy she is mine.  :)

Catwalk

So Jackson Galaxy and My Cat From Hell have pretty much convinced me that I need to be taking my cats out for walks.  This isn't easy, because cats don't like being in a harness and stuck on a leash.  But, they can be trained.  So I decided that it was time to buy harnesses and leashes for le kitties, and to start walking them around, in the hopes that they could get some exercise, and be able to explore the Great Outdoors in a manner that was still safe.  A total win situation, right?

So I go to Petco.  I buy two harnesses and leashes that are specifically made for cats, in the LARGEST size they make, because really let's face it, my cats are huge. Fat.  Obese.  Morbidly Obese.  I don't judge, but you get the picture.

So I get home, and I can baaarrreeeeely squeeze Hairy into the harness, but Fatty Pants (Bobbi) was not even close to fitting in it.  And I was like, diz-amn, what do I do, these are the biggest they make!!

So I went back to Petco this morning, explained my problem, and some very nice lady helped me find a dog harnes that we think will fit Bobbi.  Yes, she has graduated to a medium size dog harness, for 20-30 pounders.

And she hates it.  I think she feels bad because I had to buy her a bigger one.

But Hairy LOVES her harness, and she loves exploring outside!  I think it's so cute.

So Cade and I took the cats out for an adventure today, and I think that as soon as they get used to their harnesses, this is going to be a success.  

Although, so far I don't think I'm walking the cats, I think THEY are walking ME.  I have so far had to crouch underneath the house and thrash my way through some bushes to keep up with Hairy.  She aways did like trying the road less taken...

New House Adventure Week 19

This week they added our cupboards and some of our countertops.  They haven't yet put the granite in the kitchen, but in the bathrooms and laundry rooms, it is in.  And it looks fab!  They also put the garage door on, but haven't yet installed the door that goes on the third car garage.  Here are some pics!

I love my garage door, with the handles and the windows.  So quaint!

The cupboards in the kitchen...love how dark they are - I think they turned out looking great.

The contrast of the dark cupboards with the lighter looking, distressed wood floor.  I like the contrast they make - of course they are both extremely dusty, and will look better once cleaned.

Cupboards and countertop in the master bath...

The  laundry room...

Mila chillin in the laundry room...she looks so teeny, it makes me laugh.  :)

The kids bathroom...

Cade scopin' out the back yard...

Another view of my glorious cupboards...

Clearly I love them..

The view of our house from the neighbor's yard, across the street.

So we are hopin to be in this sucka by the end of the month.  They say that once countertops are installed, the house will be ready within 12 days, and then add 6 or so days to close, etc.  So that gives us, what?  Just under three weeks?  I hope this happens!

UPDATE:
About 20 minutes after I posted this, Brandon called me with bad news.  Our builder said that we are not going to be mving in until mid-August.  I am devastated.  I have NO IDEA what the EFF is going to take so long, as everything is pretty much already done.  I am so sad.