A Little Bit of Everything

Man, been one of those days where I don't feel so great but I can't exactly pinpoint why.  My back is still really hurting me, which is a huge stress.  It's been over a week now and I still need muscle relaxants, or else I can hardly walk and move and bend over and be NORMAL.  Even on them I act like a cripple.  I am nervous that I've done something seriously wrong to my back, and I'm nervous this is going to end up being a bigger deal than it should be.  So frustrated.

Mila loves her new exer-saucer!

I got a massage last night, and saying that it was painful is like the grossest understatement I could ever come up with.  If it would have been just "painful," it would have been a walk in the friggin park.  There's pain, and then there's PAIN.  And I asked for it.  When I called and asked for an appointment, I asked for the masseuse that had the repuation for pushing the deepest.  (That's what she said.)  So yeah, it hurt.  But my back does feel a little better today, not much, but a little, so I'll take it.  I'm still a little stymied that I actually PAID for that much pain.  I'm weird.

Brandon and I are more leaning towards building a house now, rather than buying one.  We are hoping to hear back from our lender by today or tomorrow, so we can't do much until then, but we've been talking to builders and looking at floor plans and lots, and we're getting pretty excited.  More news on that when I actually have something concrete to say!

My dietary appointment today got cancelled because my D's babysitter was sick or somethin.  I'm cool with that - truthfully I was NOT looking forward to going, but who am I kidding, it's not as if that surprises you by now or anything.  You know how you can turn a frown upside down?  Well I wish that you could do that with...what's the opposite of motivation?  Ambivalence?  Laziness?  Turn my lazy bum upside down?  Man I am strugglin right now.

Okay, time for me to go waste some brain cells on Dance Moms.  And...the premiere of ANTM is on tonight.  Woo hoo!

Bye, precious baby kittens.

Low Self-Esteem is Complicated

I've been watching a lot of My Cat From Hell lately.  I can't get enough of this stuff.  Jackson Galaxy, (ten bucks that name is REAL) who is a cat behaviorist, says that cats who hiss have low self-esteem, because they're not confident enough of themselves and their surroundings, so when they get nervous, they lash out and hiss to protect themselves but to also comfort themselves and make them seem cooler.  Or something.

Anyway, I was telling all this to my mom today, and I was telling her that I'm worried because I think Hairy has low self-esteem, because she hisses at everybody (but me) even when she has no reason to, and Mom, this stuff is SERIOUS and I want Hairy to love herself and how should I boost her confidence and what do you think about that?

And my mom said,
"Your cat does not have low self-esteem.  She's just stupid.  And hey, you're not going to post this on your blog, are you?"
Me:  "Actually, yeah, I was going to.  Why?"
Mom: "Because then people will think you're weird."

Hmmm.
Thanks for the chat, Mom!  ;D

Miss 7 Months

Man, posts from me the past few weeks have been sparse.  I apologize for that - between sick kids, getting sick myself, and hurting my back, I have not had much time or desire to blog.  However, today is Mila's 7 month birthday, so I decided that warranted bringing me out of blogging hibernation to post a bit about what is happening with her.

Mila is doing great.  She is still my super smiley and super happy baby.  Still no teeth on the horizon, and she still isn't showing any signs of sitting up by herself or even rolling from back to tummy yet.  BUT I'm not yet going to worry, as I still think she's within a normal curve of development.  Mila loves to eat, and her favorite things to eat are sweet potatoes, a strawberry and banana combo, and apples.  She's still quite small - at 7 months, she very easily fits into her 3-6 mos clothes, and in some cases, even her 0-3 mos clothes.  But as long as she is eating and thriving, I'm not too worried about that, either.

Poor baby is sick right now.  She's lethargic and her eyes are all red and puffy and she's got a fever.  I'm hoping it's a quick bug, and that soon she'll be feeling better.  Other than that, not much new is happening in Mila's little world.  I still just love her!  I can't believe it's already been 7 months - it's insane.  Sometimes I just want to squeeze her and tell her to stop growing...I wish I could stop time, because soon she won't be my little baby anymore.  Sigh.

Sorry this post was a little lackluster.  Truthfully I am hurting quite a bit and think I need to lay down.  Tomorrow I will try to post more enthusiastically!

Family Changes

It's 3 AM and I can't sleep because my back is killin me, so I decided to blog, in the hopes that it would distract me from the pain and misery whine whine whine.

I just have to take a minute to brag about my husband, because while I of course affectionately refer to him on my blog quite often, I don't know that I ever really stop to talk about how truly amazing he is.

Brandon is my rock, he is my life.  When I am stuck in some depression or going through an endless cycle of frenetic anxious energy, Brandon can calm me down and make me laugh, and suddenly, when I'm around him, I feel okay.  I know that the feelings I'm experiencing will pass, and I know that with him, everything will be okay.

Brandon is an incredibly hard worker.  He goes to school full-time in addition to working full-time, all so that I can be a stay at home mama.  He NEVER complains about how busy he is; how many responsibilities that he has.  He dutifully goes to work and does his homework, even when all day he is stuck at his computer trying to get it all done.  And, somehow in the midst of all that, he has time to play with the kids.  Mila literally LIGHTS UP the minute he walks through the door.  Cade runs to him and throws his arms around him.  Brandon is their life.  They literally adore him.

And I'm so happy that my kids have a hands-on daddy who wants so desperately to play an intricate role in their life, and he does.  My kids know with out a doubt how much they are loved - especially  by their dad.  They know that Dad will always love them and play with them and help them.  I love that I have such a supportive husband and father of my children.  I am beyond blessed for this.

For the past couple of months, Brandon has been looking for a new job, as his current job just wasn't working out; and he really felt like he should see if he could find a better job; something that fulfilled him more and appreciated him more and compensated him more.  He has been going to many interviews, and of course that is always so stressful.  A couple of weeks ago he saw a listing for a job as a Senior QA Engineer at a software company that is located in Lehi, Utah.  He wasn't sure if he should apply, as Lehi is about 40 minutes away from where we live, and also he wasn't sure he was entirely qualified for the position, but we both agreed he had nothing to lose, and why not try?

So he did.  He applied, interviewed 3 times, and on Wendesday we got the fabulous news that Brandon got the job!  We are so thrilled because not only is it a pay raise, it's a 75% pay raise.  I'm no good at math, but even I know that that is an insane raise!  And I am truly thanking God, because I believe He had a hand in helping us get this job.  Every night we prayed for Brandon being able to get this job, and to hear Cade's prayer every night...it was so sweet.  Without fail, this is what he said:  "Dear Heavenly Father, please help Daddy get a job so we can get a house and a dog, and please help Mommy be happy.  Name of Jesus Christ, amen."
Tears are coming to my eyes, just thinking of this.
The faith of my little 5 year old astounds me.  I love that he is gaining a little testimony of prayer.  And while I don't often talk about my religion and my spirituality on my blog, I will say today, right now, that Cade's faithful prayers to God made my faith grow a little, too.

Because now we can move into our own house.  We are going to be house hunting here very shortly.  And while it scares me that we may have to move farther south in Utah, and I won't be as close to my sisters and parents, I know that this is where we're meant to be right now.  Big changes are happening for my family, but they are good.  And I'm excited, even though I'm also a teensy bit scared, too.

So that's the good news I referred to in my last post.  With Brandon getting this new job, we get a new house and a new dog and I'm excited to start over, too.  :)

So I'm grateful for my husband who works so hard, I'm grateful for Mila for making me so happy, and I'm grateful for my sweet little son who is so innocent and has so much faith.  I'm a lucky girl to have such an amazing little family, aren't I?

Stuck on the Ground

Well, yesterday absolutely didn't go as planned.  All was well and hunky dory, until about noon, when I was just getting ready to leave and take Cade to school.  I was bending down to lay Mila on the couch, and then WHAMMO, out of nowhere, I didn't something wrong to my back.  And it wasn't the kind of pain that's like, "hmm, oh, that kind of hurts," it was "HOLY FREAKIN CRAP HELP HELP HELP SOMETHING'S WRONG I WANT TO DIE WHAT IS HAPPENING HOLY BALL SACK HELP HELP HELP."  It was obvious I had threw out my back, doing almost nothing.  I was frozen in place, standing and hunched over, while my back was having terrible spasms and I was literally screaming.  I finally made it to lying on the ground, but it took me about another 5 minutes just to get there.  I had Cade get me my phone, and I called my mom and told her she'd better get here quick, because I couldn't move and something was really wrong with my back.  By this time I was screaming and tears were pouring from my eyes.  Poor Cade was crying because he knew something was really wrong.  He kept trying to pull me up, but I was trying to explain to him that I just couldn't move.  Mila was crying too, and I had to keep calming Cade down and instructing him to put the binky in her mouth.

So, my mom finally gets there, only when she was trying to help me get up to get me to the bed, I just kept screaming, it hurt way too bad.  So we decided that I had to stay on the floor until the muscle spasms stopped.  My mom got me a pillow and a heating blanket, and oh don't worry, I was only on the floor for THREE hours.  I eventually made it to my bed, but it was so incredibly painful and a really slow process, and I was just bawling the whole way - walking was that painful for me.

Eventually I figured out this wasn't just a passing thing, so Brandon took me to the ER.  I had to wait for 2 hours, and I was crying in the waiting room almost the entire time because I was in so much pain (still) and I didn't know how much longer I could go.  Once I finally saw a doctor, they have me a (blissfully wonderful) shot of Morphine in my butt, gave me prescriptions for painkillers and muscle relaxants, and told me that at least for the next week, I had to take it easy and not do any heavy lifting.

So here I am, in bed, getting kindasorta high on painkillers.  When I am on the muscle relaxant and painkillers, at least I can walk (very) slowly, but that's all I can do.  I can't bend over or lift things or put on shoes or get dressed or anything like that.  I've always heard that throwing out your back is painful, but I had NO IDEA how really and truly painful and terrible it is.  I'm seriously a complete invalid.

I better bounce because the percocet is starting to kick in and I don't want to say anything embarrassing, which I undoubtedly will.  Send good back vibes my way for a speedy recovery.  Also, I have some really awesome news to share, but it has to wait until tomorrow.  :D  Let's just say I'm really excited.

Intuitive Eating for Me

Yesterday I kind of thought I was dead.  I was THAT sick.  I was so sick that I didn't send Cade to school, because the idea of mustering up enough energy to get him dressed and driven to school made me want to weep.  So instead, I slept.  A lot.  Like 16 hours a lot. 

Today I feel better.  Not all better, but better, and I'll take it, as yesterday it felt like the entire universe was taking a giant dump on me.  Today I still feel sick but not like I would like to promptly puke and then die.  Baby steps.

So, the dietary thing.  I think I've pinpointed my problem with dietary coinciding with my whole distaste for the idea of intuitive eating.  I think it's a great "idea," but that's just it - it seems like only an idea to me - an elusive, ethereal "idea" - and not something that can actually be put into practice and work for me.  I also have a bad taste in my mouth about intuitive eating because of some crap from the last treatment center I was at.  So I told all this to my dietician, and we decided that I'm going to try one last time to do this intuitive eating thing, and I'm going to try to figure out what intuitive eating means for me, and not what it means for my last treatment center, or even for my therapist and dietician now, or even what some of my peers who are in recovery think intuitive eating is.  I want to figure it out for myself.  And I committed to my dietician that I would do it.  So, today I went and bought the book.  I had to buy a 2nd copy because my first copy may have been mysteriously vandalized, defaced, and thrown away...
Ahem.
I'm going to re-read the book with the idea that I'm going to give it a second chance, and hopefully understand it more with this new place in recovery I find myself in.  I'm also going to highlight every part that I disagree with, and bring it in to my dietician so that we can talk about it and figure it out and work through it.

So, for now, I am still going to go to dietary every week.  It may be because of this whole new looking at intuitive eating with Brand New Recovered Eyes, but it may also be because my therapist is demanding it.  More or less.
Ahem.  Man, my throat must have a frog in it... ;)

I hope you all have a great weekend.  I'm going to spend time with friends and the fam, so that should be rad.  Maybe I'll even brush Hairy's lustrous coat, if I'm lucky.  And maybe if I'm even luckier, I'll feel 100% better.  High hopes, I know, but a girl can dream...

Ciao, my precious kittens.

Smooth Sailing

Hello my precious kittens.  I haven't done much of an update in awhile, so I thought I'd update ya.

Although, wellllll, I don't really have much to update you on!  Doesn't it seem like there's more to say when you're not doing well, than when things seem to be pretty neutral and mild and okey dokey?  And that's kind of a shame, actually, but I'll do my best to try to come up with a few somethings.

My V Day was da raddest.  Brandon and I had already bought our gifts for each other a few weeks ago, so we mostly spent the night just laughing and talking and being with each other.  We had no babysitter, so we stayed home with the kiddos, but it was really fun anyway.  I made him a candybar poster, which is like a blast from junior high past, but he loved it, and I had fun making it.  :)  I love my man and I'm glad that I had yesterday to shower him with kisses and love to make sure he knows it.  :)

Remember when I blogged not long ago about Cade throwing a tantrum at soccer and we had to leave early and blah blah?  Well, when we took him to soccer this week, I was really nervous we were going to have a repeat situation, but we didn't at all!  He played and...wait for it...
HE SCORED A GOAL!!!!!!
I know that to most of you, this doesn't seem like a big deal, and maybe it only is to me because Cade's my son and I rather adore him, but him scoring that goal was SUCH a huge deal, and it made him so happy and gave him so much confidence.  When he scored the goal I screamed so loud that I woke up poor Mila in her carseat, but I don't even care, it was worth it!  So, to go from one week having him refusing to play and throwing the tantrum to end all tantrums, and then him going back a week later and not only playing, but scoring a goal?  AWESOME.  The kid is making progress, and that thrills me.  :)

I have been doing pretty okay the past couple weeks.  Nothing much to report on, either good or bad.  I'm just kinda makin it through my days with not much stress or anxiety, so I'm really happy for that.  Getting our family pics taken on Saturday was so much fun, and I can't wait until we get them back.  I am still doing well with ED stuff, which is great.  I saw my dietician today and we talked about my lack of motivation and what to do about it, but I'm going to save that for tomorrow's post, since it will be a bit longer than just a short paragraph.

So, all in all, things are okay.  And I'm glad.  :)

Special Delivery

From Mila, to you:

Happy Valentine's Day!

Family Pictures, 2012

We just got back from taking family pictures, and I paid for a CD of the raw images taken, and here are a few.  And by a few, I mean 20.  ;D
Which ones do you like best?

A Dietary Dilemma

Unsure of how to proceed with dietary.  I have been fully compliant and following my mealplan for a couple months now, and I've noticed that since I've been doing really well, I just really don't want to make my dietary appointments.  Last week I had to cancel my appointment because Mila had her 6 month well-child checkup, and then this week I did a phone session, because both my kids were sick.  And, confession: it was really nice not going.  I think my dietician is great; it has nothing to do with her, but it was still really nice to have one less appointment every week.

On the phone while talking to my dietician, she stressed that she thinks it's really important that I keep coming every week, because yes I'm compliant and doing well, but we have other things we could finally begin working on now that I'm at a stable weight and maintaining it, like intuitive eating.  And I was quite aggreable and told her sure, sure, but here's what I'm really thinking:

I feel like since I'm at a healthy weight and that I'm not engaging in eating disorder behaviors, then I must be "all better," and not need to go to dietary anymore.  With therapy, I can see all the ways that I'm still messed up all the way to next Thursday, so it makes keeping my therapy appointments easy because it makes sense, but with nutritional stuff, since I'm not engaging in the ED, then I must be just fine, right?

So I mentioned this all to my therapist today, and she agreed I was doing so much better, but she pointed out that I probably really don't want to follow a strict mealplan for the rest of my life, as that isn't normal, and my body image is in the gutter, and that's not really ideal, either.  All reasons that maybe I should continue going to dietary.

But I can't shake that "I'm fine I'm fine yadda yadda don't need it don't make me go" mentality.  It's making finding the motivation to make and keep my appointments really tough.

So, where should I go from here?  Any of you ever been in my boat?  What do you think?

PS - We're getting our family pictures tomorrow, so stay tuned for some fun pics to come.  :)

Past Pics --> Cade

I was looking through some old photos today, and while looking at pictures of Cade as a baby and toddler, I was blown away because he used to be BLONDE.  Crazy how much kids change.  Anyway, here are a few of the pics, from past to present:

First bath at home

His blessing day, 1 month old

Look how blonde - 2 years old

First day of Kindergarten

He loves his little sister

Man, it's just crazy.  I love my little buddy; I can't believe he's already 5.  I AM THE MOTHER OF A 5 YEAR OLD.  Doesn't that make me sound old?  Despite some of the disciplining trouble we've had with Cade I wrote about recently, I love this little man.  He is wise beyond his years and is so intuitive to people's feelings and emotions - not something most 5 year olds do - but it melts my heart.  He knows when I'm sad or upset, and tries to help me feel better.  He is incredibly loving to his sister, and he's passionate about the things he loves.  He is silly and goofy and I love him a lot.  He has some troubles and anxieties, but he is still a really pretty awesome kid, despite that - or maybe because of it.  Love you buddy.

Typical Tuesday Stuff

Since all this crap happened on Sunday with Josh Powell, I've felt pretty devastated.  And...shocked.  Just wondering how such a terrible tragedy could happen.  Those poor children.  His wife.  It's just so sad.  And, honestly, since then, I've just held my kids a little tighter.  I guess I feel a little peace knowing that the children are with their angel mother, but what happened to them still makes me sick.  I hate when tragedy hits so close to home.  I don't know why - I just  needed to say that - but I'm going to move onto something less depressing now.  :)

This afternoon nothing particularly stellar happened, but it was...just nice in a casual, laid back sort of way.  I got together with my sisters, and we did absolutely nothing but drink Diet Coke and eat brownies and talk and talk.  There's not that many people that I am comfortable just sitting with and doing, well, nothing, but I'm happy that with them, I am content and just okay to talk and laugh and relax and let my guard down a bit.  I'm glad I have somewhere I can go to figure out how to just be me, and be okay with that.  With them I will never be in short supply of laughter - and not just the muted, controlled, polite laughs, either - I'm talking about the cackle out loud, crack up, burst out laughing kind.  We all need People in our life like that, huh?

I think poor Miss Mila is coming down with something.  She has a low-grade fever and is unfortunately MAD.  I hate when my little kidlets are sick.  They're miserable, and their misery makes me miserable too.  I just hope no puking or diarrhea happens.  That's THE WORST.  Call me an unenthusiastic mother, but when I'm cleaning explosive diarrhea off my kid's back, or scrubbing puke off the carpet, I am perpetually grimacing.  There's none of that "Put your shoulder to the wheel, push along, do your duty with a heart full of song," stuff.  There's no getting around the fact that bodily excrements SUCK.  Especially when they smell and are not yours.

Well, not much else I guess.  Just a regular old boring day here at my house.  Hope everybody is having a great Tuesday - wasn't last night glorious with all the Bachelor drama?  Ah, be still my heart, I loves...

Disciplining Cade

One of the hardest things about being a parent (to me) is that there is no clear wrong or right way to go about raising your child.  (Okay, I can think of more than a few definite "wrong" things to do, but you get what I mean.) 

In general, I am not a big discipliner.  I don't let Cade give me crap, but I'm pretty lax with the whole discipline thing.  Brandon is more the Eenie Meanie Parent, and he's better at actually punishing Cade when Cade does something he shouldn't do.  In other words, Cade is much more "afraid" of Dad than Mom.  He knows that I'm a softie, and usually he plays that to his advantage.  It's just...I know how sensitive he is.  Because I was too as a kid, and so I guess I take it easy on him because I feel bad that he has some wicked bad anxiety and because I seem to think that I can some how rationally talk to a FIVE YEAR OLD about what he did wrong, and about how he should avoid it in the future, etc.  Doesn't usually work, but somehow, I keep trying to do this.

But tonight.

Tonight Cade had an indoor soccer game.  Before we left for the game, he was playing the Xbox.  It was kind of hard to get him to turn it off to leave, but he eventually did it and everything was okay and we went to the game.  Cade was practicing with his teammates before the game started, and someone on his team stole the ball away from him.  And that, somehow, must have done Cade in, because right then and there he started crying and threw himself down on the bench and proclaimed to us that he wasn't going to play.  I didn't press anything, just let him kind of be sad for a minute, and I hoped he'd get up on his own volition and join his teammates to play.  He didn't.  He kept insisting that he didn't want to play, that he wanted to go home and play Xbox.  Brandon and I patiently told him (at least at first) that he needed to play his game, and then he could go home and play Xbox.  He dug his stubborn little heels in and said resolutely that he wouldn't play, that he didn't want to.  Well, by now the game had started.  He was still upset and crying and wanting to go home.  We told him that if we did indeed have to go home because he wouldn't play, then he wouldn't be playing the Xbox or Wii at all that night, because if he wasn't going to play soccer, then there were going to be consequences.  He didn't care, and wouldn't go in, even after his coach asked him twice to sub in.

Meanwhile, Brandon and I are both pretty mortified that our kid is having a crying meltdown in front of all the other parents.  Everyone was staring.  I didn't know what to do, and I'll admit I was pretty mad at Cade.  He had been making such good progress with soccer, and it's like all at once he was suddenly regressing and going back to his old ways of being "too scared" and "too tired" and "too bored" to play.  I didn't understand where all this was coming from, but I was getting tired of seeing Cade cry and seeing everyone stare and probably judge us.

So Brandon and I were done.  We told Cade that he had made his decision, and that we were leaving, and that as a result, he couldn't play Xbox or Wii.  We picked up the kids and headed to the car while every damn person in the place stared.  When we got to the car, and started to drive home, I think he figured out that we were serious, and were making good on the consequences we had told him would happen.  He said he was ready to go back and play, but we told him it was too late.   We told him we hoped he'd make the right decision next week.

So here I sit, typing this, while Cade cries and whines that he's bored and wants to play Xbox.  Here I sit with a kid who's really upset.  Here I sit, wondering if we did the right thing. 

But I honestly didn't know what else to do.  Some people may say we were too hard on him to actually leave the game, I don't know.  But parenting is tricky, and it sucks that kids don't come with instruction manuals.  So, mostly, here I sit, wishing I knew really what to do, how to better raise my child.

Baby Babbles

Mila has recently been finding her voice.  She coos and babbles, and really, it's adorable.  Recently she has started saying something that roughly sounds like "Hi, Da-Da."  Only, it probably sounds more like "Ayyyyee da-da-da-da."  She's not old enough or smart enough to know she's actually saying "Dad," it's more just a sound that is probably easy for her to say, so she does.

She says it all the time.
And Brandon loves it.

He gleefully talks about how "Da-Da" was her first word, oh how precious, blah blah blah yakkity schmakkity.  The man is practically swooning.  SWOONING!
All while I glower.

Because really Mila, couldn't you have said "Hi Ma-Ma" just as easily?!  I do EVERYTHING for you!  I do your laundry, change your poops, buy you adorable clothes, feed you.  Hell, my vagina took a BEATING for you!  And you can't even give me a "Hi Ma-Ma" or "Ayyyeeee ma-ma-ma-ma" in return?

Sigh.
Motherhood really is a thankless job.

Adventures from the Mall

The fambly and I just got back from the mall.  Brandon and I decided to do our Valentine's shopping early, and together.  It was fun!  (Aside from how INSANE it was there - what, are people flocking to the mall to buy like Superbowl Suckday outfits or something?)  At any rate.

Brandon asked me what I wanted for V Day, and I was like, "Let's go to Victoria's Secret!"  And he got all excited, thinking of all the dirty lingerie I was going to buy for this glorious lover's holiday.  So he went to another store while I went to look around, and I come home with...wait for it...SWEATS.  Yeah, right.  Lingerie, me?  NO THANKS.  Sorry sweetie!

Brandon hadn't yet been into H&M, so I suggested we go there and check out some of the mens' stuff; see if he might like any of it.  I still maintain that I don't much like the womens' stuff, and in fact haven't yet bought anything for me yet.  But that's neither here nor there for the purpose of bringing this up.  As we were walking into the store, Brandon was like, "H&M.  What kind of name is that?  H&M should NOT be the name of a store.  It should be slang for some dirty sexual thing you do to another person.  Hey, Brie, can I get an H&M from you tonight?"  ...And he's right, huh?!  I'll never think of the store the same again...

I also got an awesome pair of running shoes, and they'll be awesome as soon as I can, er, actually run.  The All Knowing Treatment Team has decided I can't run - I can do other forms of exercise and cardio, but apparently running "triggers and aggravates" my eating disorder.  Well, as far as I'm concerned, NOT running is what triggers and aggravates me, but whatever.  I've had my eyes on these shoes for quite awhile now, so I'm just happy they are finally in my greedy little clutches!

We also got lotsa stuff for Brandon, but that's not nearly as entertaining, so I'll stop there.  :)  Hope everyone's weekend is going swell!

Friday's Foibles

I am glad this week is (mostly) over.  This week has been hard.  Really emotional.  This week could have made baby dolphins cry.  It was THAT bad.

Well...not bad, per se, but just...up and down.  And I will be the first to admit that I am terrible at handling negative emotions.  Like, if someone else were to feel sad or angry, they'd probably just be okay with it, feel the emotions, and move on, but not me.  I get all pissy and anxious that I'm feeling sad/angry/whatever and then fight those emotions like hell.  Which of course only makes them worse, more intense, and things exponentially harder for me.  Oh well.  One day I'll learn.

I Cade gave his report on Abraham Lincoln today.  It went really well I think.  Of course I did most of the talking, because what on earth would a 5 year old say about a dead president?  But Cade did great holding up the pictures, and he was just beaming - smiling from ear to ear, and I thought that was pretty cute.  I'm glad it's over, because let me tell you, a 5 minute presentation on good ol' Abe stressed me out more than it should have.  Cade didn't sweat it at all of course, but that's because the little stinker knew I was going to do all the work!

Ah, man.  Panda Express has never tasted so bad as it did, today, at lunch.  Normally I love me some fried ricey and orange chicken, but not today.  Okay gross moment, I cut into the chicken and it looked, like...PURPLE.  And just...WRONG.  And NOT CHICKENY.  And now I'm sad that I'll never eat there again.  But I have a feeling it'll take me at least 3784 months to go back, which is exactly what happened when I went to Arby's that one time and found a black toenail in my beef 'n cheddar.  This is not a joke.

I'm on a total horror kick lately.  It started by reading 11/22/63, which is not a horror novel at all, but by Stephen King, which makes you think it'll be a horror novel.  (It was FABULOUS by the way, and I would highly recommend it!)  Anyway, that piqued my interest about King's other novels, and decided I needed to read The Shining, because that's an iconic American Classic, despite the fact the movie really sucked, and why hadn't I read it earlier, really, especially as I consider myself a Reading Connoisseur?  So I read the book - nay, dear readers, devoured it - and now I can't stop.  I'm currently reading It, and Brandon and I have cycled through several stupid horror series at night, like the Paranormal Activity series, and also the Scream series, which is so stupid, but whatevs, me likes the scarruh stuff lately.  Any good scary books/movies to recommend?

Hope you all have a great weekend.  Brandon and I have a family EQ activity to go to at the church tonight, but other than that, no real plans.  Maybe I'll try to save some baby dolphins, since so many others cried this week cuz it sucked so much.  Maybe.  :)

Miss 6 Months

Mila turned half a year old on the 27th.  So crazy at how fast the time went.  It honestly seems only a few short weeks ago that she was this teensy little baby that had a full head of black hair and squirmed.  Now, I have a half-bald brown-haired baby who is happy and engaging and who smiles at ANYTHING.

My favorite thing about Mila is her optimism and her happiness and smiles.  If she thinks you're looking at her, she lights up.  Heaven forbid you actually make eye contact with her, she'll smile and smile and smile at you and it makes you so happy you don't want to stop looking at her.  She's also starting to laugh much more, and I love her little giggle.

She is absolutely in love with her big brother, and he is in love with her.  I'm glad she's going to have a protective big brother to watch out for her.  Makes me feel good.

Mila is finally getting the hang of eating.  She loves pears, peaches, apples, sweet potatoes, and she only just tolerates her rice.  Sometimes I sneak her a little frosting or something off a cupcake, and she about dies. 

Mila still has no teeth, and it doesn't look like any are on the horizon, either.  Cade didn't get teeth until he was almost 1, so she may just be a little slower with the whole teeth thing. 

Mila just had her 6 month checkup and had to get shots, poor thing.  She handled them like a champ though.  Cade was there and was super concerned about her having to get shots...see, this big brother protecting her thing is already starting to kick in!  Anyway, her stats:  her head circumference and height are almost exactly at 50%, but her weight is quite low, at about 9%.  She weighs 13.7 pounds, but she had gained 2 pounds from her last visit 2 months ago, so that's good.

Mila almost always sleeps through the night now, which is great.  She is in general very happy and secure and calm.  Cade, at 6 months, was quite the opposite of her.  Very anxious and upset all the time, and not sleeping well.  I can't help but wonder if it's because I left him to go to (STUPID) treatment from the age of 4-6 months...I know that I needed to, to actually live and get better, but I feel like a lot of his issues and anxieties since then have all occured because I left him at such a critical age when he was a baby.  I guess I'm just really glad that Mila is happy and secure and that I am not going anywhere!

Love you baby.