Cade Takes a Step Back

Watching Harry Potter with his wand.

Remember how I just posted about how awesome Cade was doing with starting kindergarten?  Yeah, well NIX THAT.  Ah man.  Today we took a giant step backward with the whole kindergarten thing.

It all started with the color yellow.  Cade was supposed to wear that color to school today, because they were learning about it, or something.  So when I pulled his only yellow shirt over his head, which is this cheap monstrosity, Cade warned me that he didn't like it and he didn't want to wear it, but I made him because I didn't want him to be the only kid in his class that wasn't wearing yellow and feel like a freak.  Only, I should have listened to him, because apparently wearing yellow made him feel like a freak anyway, and things just went downhill from there.

When I took him to his class, he grabbed my leg and said quite resolutely, "I'M NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY MOM.  NOOOOOOO WAY, MOM!"  And I kind of looked at him baffled, because school has been in session for 2 weeks, and he hasn't had a single problem.  So I tried pulling him through the door.  I tried bribing him through the door.  I tried threatening him through the door.  And, finally, when all else failed, I DRAGGED him through the door.  By then he was crying, and I was near tears too because I was flustered and bewildered as to why my kid was suddenly swimming laps around the anxiety pool.  Fortunately his (awesomely sweet) teacher came over in that moment and took (read: PRIED) him away from me, and I left.  I thought about him all that afternoon, hoping and praying that he was handling school well and not having a melt down.

Three hours later, I went to pick him up.  His teacher came right up to me after the bell rang, and told me that there had been some "issues" that day.  Great.  I cringed, waiting for the worst.  I am used to my child being willfull and defiant, and sometimes that's what I love most about him - but I also know, then when it comes time to conform, like in school, and say, just sit and do your work and be quiet, I'm not always sure Cade is going to be great at that.  And today he wasn't.  She told me, "Today, Cade REFUSED to try."  He wouldn't do a lick of his work, because he kept saying over and over, "I CAN'T do it."  This really concerns me, because I don't want my 5 year old at such an early age to think he can't do things, to already feel so incapable - I mean, isn't that supposed to happen during the dreaded adolescence?  Brandon and I tell him several times a day what a good boy he is, and how smart and strong and brave and wonderful he is.  We shower him with love and compliments and positive affirmations.  So...to have my kid already starting out, saying he can't do something, breaks my heart.  I don't know what to do about it.

So, when we got to the car, I told Cade that he could watch cartoons after school for a little bit, but then we were going to sit at the table and do alllll the work that he refused to do at school.  I don't want him to think he can get out of it, or that it isn't important.  My hope is that he'll start to do it at school once again, just as soon as he realizes that sitting at home and doing it with Mommy and Daddy is no fun when he could be playing the Wii or superheroes or something.  So Brandon sat with him for an hour and they did all his work...and it was hard.  (NO CADE, IT'S A T.  A T!!  NONOTANL!  A T!!! *giggles from cade, groans from brandon...*)  You need an incredible amount of patience with this kid, because he's smart and absolutely capable of the work - but lacks the drive and desire to do the work.

So, what do I do?  How do I give my sweet son more self-esteem?  How do we get it in his brain that kindergarten isn't, like, a choice.  In my desperation this afternoon when I was trying to get him into school, I told him that Mommy and Daddy would go to jail if he didn't go to school, and HE LAUGHED.  IN MY FACE.  Punk.  But I'm serious.  If any of you have any ideas on how I could help encourage him in this, or if you can just relate, I'd love to hear from you.  I just want what's best for my guy, and it makes me sad that he's scared of school and feels inadequate.

Later today, after school was out, I asked him why he didn't like school that day, and he crumpled to the ground and wailed that he hated school because it was "Yellow Day" and that he HATES YELLOW.  So I ripped that shirt off his head and told him to go pick annnny shirt he wanted.  Tomorrow is Yellow Day too, but if Cade will go to school sans the freak out?  He can wear any color he wants, conformity be damned.

Sigh.  Cross your fingers that tomorrow goes better...

Reflecting on this Sunday

If Sunday is supposed to be a "day of rest," I don't know why mine is so insane.  It probably has something to do with the fact that I have 9 a.m. church and two kids, neither of whom are morning people.  Trying to wake Cade up before 10 a.m. is like trying to wake up a bear out of hibernation - and almost just as dangerous, no kidding.  Although who am I fooling?  It's probably harder for me to get up than him, but I blame the fact I'm waking up during the night to feed the little munchkin.  9 a.m., in my opinion, is like the butt-crack of dawn.   And...it's not even like I get much out of church with a 5 year old and a 6 week old - all of my time is spent trying to do damage control.   Oh well.  At least I try, and at least Mila looked darling in her dress today.  I am definitely one of those mothers that has kids who are dressed better than her.  Especially now...I don't really fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes yet, but most of my maternity stuff is now too big, so I recycle the same few items of clothing over and over.  That poor black skirt I wear every week...it's workin' real hard...

Today has been a sobering day, what with it being the anniversary of 9/11.  I remember so clearly that day - it was during my senior year of high school, and I remember that we did no work that day at school, only shuffled from class to class and watched the news reports on what was happening.  Several of my teachers cried.  I think we were all in shock.  It seemed so surreal, and now 10 years later, it seems just as surreal.  Brandon and I have been glued to the TV all day, watching the documentaries and news stories covering it, and it's so sobering.  It's particularly difficult for me to watch the videos or see the pictures of the people who jumped from the towers to avoid the fire - watching them free-fall like that...it literally makes me sick.  I swear I was eating when I watched it, and had to stop because I felt sick to my stomach.  The attack and what happened...there was so much hate.  It's hard to stomach.

Anyway, I know it's a day I'll never forget, and I think it's really important we all remember, and tell our kids about it so they can carry on the legacy of all we lost that day, and of all the brave men and women who saved so many lives that day.  One day I hope to visit the memorial site with Cade and Mila and tell them what happened.

And here's a couple cute pictures of Mila, just for good measure.  :)

Squishy sleep cheeks!

Bear bum!  (Cute outfit given to Mila by my T.  :)

Mish Mash

I've decided, after a little trepidation, to keep Blogxygen up and running and to not make it private.  My posts are going to be much more family-oriented, and I probably won't talk about my ED much, and if that bores others or if they no longer want to read, then peace.  I'm changing I guess, and that means my blog is going to change.  I hope you stick around and read, but if you don't, as my niece would say, then get away from me, I don't even care.  ;)

Cade is doing well with Kindergarten - honestly, he's doing better than I thought he would.  I was really nervous about him starting school, but he is handling it like a champ and seems to really like it.  The other day I asked him what he did at school, and he answered, "I don't even know what I did but I know I loved it."  :)  Silly boy.  He's already made a new friend named Simjay (sp?) and they're best little buddies.  And this Simjay makes me smile because he's like some mini rocker with his shoulder-length hair and Vans shoes and skinny jeans.  I love how at as early as 5 years old, these kids already have such strong little personalities.  Take Cade for example.  Just now I asked him if I could take a picture of him for this blog post, and he gave me the dirtiest look and said NO WAY MOM.  I don't remember being such a little bugger as a kid, but now I'm totally digressing and that's neither here nor there.  So no cute picture of my son for you to look at today, I'm afraid.

Mila is doing well.  She's just starting to sleep a little better through the night, which is so fabulous - last night she only woke up twice, which is so much better than the 4 or so times she's been waking up previously.  She's also gaining weight - I don't know for sure, but I estimate she's almost 9 pounds by now, though I won't tell her that, because I won't everrrrrr focus on weight with her; there's no need to give her a complex afterall.  :)

I'm being evaluated on Monday for that pesky little thing called Post-Partum Depression.  I'm just plain ol' blue, there's no getting around it.  I never want to get up in the mornings or clean my house or do my hair, (which is NOT helping the self-esteem) and I'm really not functioning very well, so I want to get this checked out before it becomes, like, this Big Thing.  Just nip it in the bud, you know?  Maybe a change of meds will be good for me.

And, I don't want to focus on weight loss too much, especially since so many people that read my blog have EDs or used to, but while I still have some pregnancy weight to lose, I definitely have lost some, which is awesome, because I'm not restricting or resulting to old, anorexic behaviors to lose the weight, so this is big for me - to do it the right and healthy way and not turn all freaky eating disorder on you.  It's hard to be patient and lose the weight slowly, but I'm glad I am, not just for my health, but to be a good example to Mila and to look back and be really proud of myself.  That's something, right there.

I wanted to post this picture because I love this little parasite so much.  I wanted Cade in the picture too, but got the resounding NO WAY MOM, so I decided not to push it.  Have a good weekend, all!

Still Uneasy Uneasy Lemon Squeezy

I'm still completely baffled as to what to do re: my blog, and if I should go private or not.  I actually am really proud of Blogxygen, and while I'm not proud of my eating disorder, I'm proud that I've come this far and have made it through...I just don't know if I still want anyone on the interwebs to be able to read everything about me...I mean, I've put myself out there.  I've made myself vulnerable; just about anyone can read everything they want to know about me - and, like I said, I'm proud of how far I've come, and I don't want to be ashamed of my past, but I still don't know if that means I have to be comfortable with everyone knowing so much about me.  I have no idea if that convoluted, run-on sentence made sense, but there you have it.

So I'm going to continue to think about it.  If I do decide to go private, I'll give a few days notice and an opportunity for people to send me their emails for an invite.

Labor Day Pics

Brandon and Cade and Mila and I decided to have a relaxed holiday.  We took a picnic to the park and then I sat with Mila in the shade while Brandon and Cade played soccer.  I then went to the mall and scored on some holiday sales...and picked out this darling dress for Mila (pictured below).  Hope everyone is having a great holiday!  (I am.  :)

I'm sans makeup.  Icky.

PS - my poor baby has a wicked case of baby acne.  Anybody know any remedies?

My Pretty Girl

She's so adorable, I want to eat her!  (If you don't agree, you're crazy, get away from me.)

Uneasy

I'm feeling really conflicted right now about my blog.  It's kind of unnerving me that so many people know so much about me.  Also, I am basically known for my ED, right?  Especially in the community I live in, everyone knows me because of my eating disorder, whether they were in treatment with me or they went to high school with me or they read my blog or just heard about that one crazy chick with anorexia.

I don't want to be known that way anymore, and while Blogxygen is no longer really an ED-focused blog, it certainly used to be, and I don't know if I'm okay with my life being so public anymore.

So I may go private.  I'm going to decide in the next 24 hours or so.