Soccer Season 2011

 Cade had his last soccer game this afternoon.  I blogged about him starting soccer here, and I talked about how  he wouldn't play because he was so scared.  I just need to brag about my son for a minute, because I'm having a total Proud Mom Moment over here.  Cade started out his soccer season insecure and anxious.  He would rarely play, and when he did, he NEVER actually kicked the ball.  He'd run with the pack, but shy away from the ball.  We'd cheer and encourage him anyway, of course.  (Sorry the quality of this pic is so bad.  It's a picture of a picture, I was too lazy to scan it.)

The last couple games, he has started tentatively kicking the ball, but only when it happens to come right to him; he still wasn't really pursuing it.  We were just happy for him that he was making progress, and we had long ago figured out that our kid was not going to be the star of the soccer team, and we were okay with that.  Putting him in soccer was all about giving him an opportunity to find things he liked and to maybe give him some confidence and help him work on his social skills.

Today, Cade kicked the ball 10 times.  I'm not even kidding, Brandon counted!  And the best moment of all...he scored a goall!  A goal!!!!!!  Words cannot describe how momentous this is.  After he kicked it in the goal, he turned and looked at me and Brandon with this look of shock and awe, like, "Look at this awesome thing I did!  I must be pretty awesome!"  We all cheered and cheered so loudly.  I can't remember feeling that happy and proud for my kid in so long.  Cade needed this.  He needed the confidence booster.  I think now he realizes that he can play soccer just like everybody else, and that he just might be good at it.

So it's been a good day.  As we were leaving the game, Cade even remarked that he'd like to play again - kind of shocked me, as I really thought soccer was going to be a one time experiment for him, but I'm thrilled he wants to do it again.  So, come Spring 2012, we'll sign him up again.   :)

So proud of you Cade.  You have made so much progress and your mama notices and thinks it's pretty awesome.  Love you buddy.

Group Growls

Every week, I attend an eating disorder support group.  I have been going for just over 2 years now, and generally I really enjoy it and get a lot out of it and all sorts of good stuff like that.  It's not easy to get to know me, because I'm pretty reserved in "real life," (the internet world is easier for me, and besides you only see what I want you to see) but these girls have gotten almost as close to me as I let anybody get, and they're maybe da raddest people I've ever met, and I totally adorbs them and (cheesy and cliche) really admire them and look up to them.

There's just a teensy, tinsy problem with group.  At least, there was this week; a new problem that I've never really encountered before and it's never been a problem until now: group is being held during the time that I eat dinner every night.

So, I'm a creature of habit.  I eat a lot of the same foods every day and I almost always eat them at relatively the same time.  My mealplan kind of keeps me from deviating from the norm too much.  Just call my body Big Ben; a total clock that depends entirely on the same habitual routine every day.  (Daylight Savings realllllly throws me off.)

Every week, on my way to group, I eat a granola bar and chug a Diet Coke.  Every week.
Except this week.
This week I've been sick; caught a stomach bug.  My tum-tummers has seriously been unhappy and truthfully my adherence to my mealplan has been lacking due to the nausea and inability to keep much in.  When I left for group this week, I didn't feel hungry.  Not at all.  In fact I still felt a bit queasy, so I decided to skip the granola bar, because I didn't want to have to make any embarrassing bathroom runs during group.  (TMI, perhaps.  Sorry!)

So group starts.  All is well in my land.  Until, oh, it hadn't been long, maybe 15 minutes into it, I started to feel hungry.  Didn't think much of it, just knew I'd have a nice big dinner when I got home, and it was actually relieving to feel like I had an appetite when I'd been quite sick earlier in the week.  20 minutes into group:  shite.  I'm REALLY hungry.
It was actually a little distracting.
21 minutes into group: ohnoohnoohnoohno my tummy is gonna growl please don't let my stomach growl in a group comprised of women who have eating disorders please please i don't want them to think i'm not eating please don't growl please please!
GGGGRRRRROOOOOOWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.
And my tummy seemed to be saying, GIVE ME MY SWEET 'N SALTY GRANOLA BAR, YOU NAZI STARVER!  THIS IS WHEN I GET MY GRANOLA BAR, A PRE-DINNER SNACK AT 5:30.  GIVE ME GIVE ME I WANT I WANT I NEED I NEED!!!  WHY IS THERE NOT A GRANOLA BAR INSIDE ME RIGHT NOW, YOU BEEZY?
And I was like, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.  But please, dear stomach, have mercy on me and DO NOT growl again.  It's too embarrassing. 
25 minutes into group:  I'm really worried about my stomach demanding the granola bar again, or worse, insisting on dinner when I could not give it to it for another hour.  Like,I was ridiculously stressed.  I don't know if my embarrassment about it was a little dramatic, but really, think about it, having everyone know you're hungry in a group of women with ED's is embarrassing.  And that leaves a lot of room for them to make conclusions about how you're doing.  And when it's silent in the room, all but for one person, like, emoting, it's just a big distraction.  So, this paranoia was like really getting to me.

So I got desperate, about 30 minutes into group, because the hunger pains were NOT going away, on the contrary, they were increasing in frequency and intensity.  And I could feel the growling just about to start, before it would mercifully abate, even for just a minute.  I thought about leaving group and going to the bathroom, but really how would that help?  I can't pee out my hunger.  And I hadn't even brought my purse, just grabbed my cell phone and wallet, so the bag of mini-candybars in my purse weren't an option either.  For a minute I considered leaving group and just going home, but that seemed a little dramatic.  RECOVERING ANOREXIC LEAVES GROUP BECAUSE SHE'S HUNGRY AND EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT.  Pish. 

So I did what I had to.  I PRAYED.
I'm not joking.
I prayed to Heavenly Father to help my stomach not growl.  I told Him that if he would quiet the mutiny going on in my stomach, then I would make up for my lack of consistent mealplanage by eating a giant dinner and never missing my regularly scheduled granola bar again.  That's right.  I bargained with Him.
And, be it God, be it sheer will-power, or be it luck, my stomach didn't make another peep during group.  But it came close.  Dangerously close.  Distractingly close.

I came home and told Brandon about the growling fiasco and about my desperate prayers.  He stared at me, open-mouthed, and was like, "Did you really pray for God to stop your stomach growling?  Like legitimately really really?"  And I lifted my chin and defiantly told him YES.  And it had worked, thank you very much.

And I ate a huge dinner in thanks.
And I'm never going to miss my pre-dinner granola bar again.
And I'm never going to group without a full stomach, like, ever.
And if someone else's stomach growls in group, I will gleefully laugh my ass off.  And maybe, if they're lucky, I'll pray for them.

Hidden Treasures

Costco: the mecca for hidden treasures.  You know, gems you never realized you needed until you beheld all their random glory whilst pushing a double-wide shopping cart and looking semi-hideous in the harsh glow of fluorescent lighting.

 Why yes, yes I do need a book about cats that's as big as a small car.  As it so happens.

Halloween Switch Up

Remember how Cade begged me to buy him another Halloween costume this year, so he could be Harry Potter?  Remember how I caved in, and said yes, because admittedly I thought being Harry Potter was cooler than being a ninja?  Remember how I was all excited about his cloak, and about painting a lightning scar on his forehead, and taking a picture of him in his silly, round specs?

Today was his Halloween parade at his school.  I went, of course, to cheer him on and take pictures.

Do you see him?

Look closely.

Yeah, my boy's there.  He's cute.  But what is he wearing?  A ninja costume.  You should have witnessed the battle that ensued at my house this morning, when he defiantly announced to me he was NOT wearing his (expensive) Harry Potter costume.

Seriously, kid?

Living Down a Bad Reputation

Sucks when you can't live down a bad reputation.  I know that I used to be this really sick and really difficult person to work with, back when the anorexia had a hold of me.  But now, I can honestly say I've changed.  I've maintained a healthy weight for over a year now, and I follow recommendations from my treatment team and really I'm quite amiable and pleasant to work with.  I am NOT an obstinate brat anymore.  I have changed so much, and honestly, I'd give ANYTHING for an eating disorder therapist (just one!) in the state of Utah to NOT know my name and have some nasty and old and tired pre-concieved notions of me.

I've changed, but do people even see that?

So, for those of you that think you know me, but don't?  Either give yourself a chance to know the real me, and stop judging, or get the hell away from me.  I mean it.

Okay.  Vent over.

I'm a Sucker for Halloween

When I was a kid, deciding what I wanted to be for Halloween was usually reduced to me finding miscellaneous clothes around the house or hand-me-down costumes from older siblings, and then getting creative and constucting a costume to be a princess or a fairy, or my favorite, Santa Claus.  (That costume kept me super warm in the frigid Utah temps on Halloween!)  I really don't remember ever going out and buying a costume, and it wasn't something I felt bad about, it just wasn't expected, so I made do.

But now, as a parent, and being responsible for getting my kids Halloween costumes...it's a big deal nowadays.  Cade has been insisting that he wanted to be a ninja, so I went to Target, spent 19 bucks, and got a fairly decent costume - yeah, it was a bit over-done and mainstream, but whatever.  He was happy so I was happy, though I secretly wished he had picked something cooler to be.  Ninjas aren't my thang, I suppose.

But then on Thursday, we went to a Halloween party.  And Cade's cousin, C, who is his age, was wearing this WICKEDLY AWESOME SCHWING Harry Potter costume.  I was jealous.  Yes, I'm 27, and yes I'm Responsible and Sensible and Grown Up, but I still coveted that wand and cloak. Expelliarmus!   He sure looked dashing in those Gryffindor Red and Gold colors...  If the cloak wouldn't have looked like a mini-dress on me, I might have considered stealing it from him.  I'm not above theft when it comes to fantasy icons.

Cade saw it, and I could tell he was jealous too.  He LOVES Harry Potter.  I was actually kind of wondering why he had wanted to be a ninja over HP, but I let him decide, he IS 5, after all, and picking your Halloween costume is his right now, after all his previous years when I squeezed him into adorable costumes that he HATED, but only because he was too young and had no choice.   (See him pictured here, at 1 years old, in this duckie costume.  He was smiling for the pic, but managed to scream the rest of the time while wearing it.  It was adorable.  And, later, as Elmo, he couldn't even stop crying long enough for me to take a picture to remember this (clearly) fun moment.  Also.  Thomas the Train didn't invoke a lot of enthusiasm, either.)

So yesterday, Cade told me he wanted to be Harry Potter for Halloween, and NOT a ninja.  Now, I had already wasted 19 bucks (plus tax!) on a crappy Halloween costume, and I realllllly didn't have the money to buy him ANOTHER Halloween costume, and I thought about telling him "Sorry kid, wait until next year, and choose more wisely next time..." but then I thought about the wand.  The wand, guys, it was so cool!  And the cloak!  Who doesn't want an awesome cloak?!

So I caved.  I whisked him away and we had to go to a few Halloween stores before we found the last (literally, the last) Harry Potter costume in his size in SL County, I swear.  I snatched it up before some other nerdy 5 year old could, and I happily spent the 30 bucks to make my kid happy.  (And me too, honestly, c'mon.)

He looks so freaking cool in it.  I'm seriously jealous.  Pictures to come, of course.

And don't even get me started on getting Mila a costume for Halloween...she's too little to fit in even the smallest costumes they make.  So, I have declared that Mila is going to dress up as Really Cute for Halloween.  (Not a stretch for her.)  You'll DIE when you see her outfit.  I can't wait to show you!

Conclusion:  Halloween is stressful and expensive for parents.  My goal is to this year just get ONE (it's all I ask!) photo of my kid happy in his costume.
(But the cloak!)

She has stolen my heart.

Thanks to Miss Mila Bean's Aunt Ang for this super cool shirt you bought her.  She looks adorable and vintage and I luuuurve it!

Picture Highlights

Just some pics we've taken over the last few days...

 Me snuggling with Mila, post-gym workout.  I look gwoss and sweaty, but she sure looks cute!

 Daddy smiles big.

 Cade smiles big!

Cade planted this pumpkin a few months ago.  He's so proud of it; I don't have the heart to tell him that it is sadly and mysteriously not turning orange...oh well, we'll carve it anyway!

Mila rockin' the leg-warmers!

...I'm super bummed, I just tried to put a bunch more pictures on this post from my cell phone, but it won't work.  The file says it's a jpg file, so it should work, but then it says it's an HTML document and it won't download it.  I have no idea if you followed me on that, but if you did, and have suggestions on how to fix it, let me know!

I declare, "Never again!"

I went to my first ever Zumba class tonight.  I've actually heard really good things about it and wanted to give it a try, but I had some serious reservations about it, considering I am NOT a dancer.  Like, I'm not even close.  My dancing skills can be chalked up to doing the running man and some wicked pelvic thrusts - that's about it.  And I realllllly wanted to like it, guys.  I really did. 

But I didn't.

It was HARD.  And confusing.  I'm not typically a slow person, but I couldn't get all the moves, so resorted to side-stepping like the reject kid in class that nobody likes and everybody feels bad for.  And the music!  It was like a bunch of rappers singing about getting some "mocha latte ass," which really...no thank you.  And my instructor was a 70 year old anorexic.  And most of the class was comprised of salsa dancing, and jiggling my butt is NOT one of my talents.  And really, I could go on.

So, exercise, yay!  Getting in shape forever!  BUT Zumba never!

PS - All comments are now going to be moderated on my blog.  If you're curious and want to know why, shoot me a personal email and I'll give you all the gory details.

Big Updatage

So remember when I was all jazzed to start running again?  Well, my treatment team talked, and they are allowing me to run only 3 miles a week.  Not 3 miles a day, like I originally thought she meant to say.  They think running used to be too much a part of my eating disorder, so they want me to start slow.  Which is fair.  But really, 3 miles A  WEEK?  I can't decide if I should try to spread out the love, or if I should just run 3 miles in one day then have a week off?  Despite how frustrated I feel about this, I have decided that I'm going to trust my treatment team and not do more than they approve.  I mean, they've gotten me this far in my recovery, which is farther than I've ever gotten before, so obviously, whatever approach they are taking with me is working, so I might as well commit to it.  But yes, I'll admit, a teensy tinsy itty bitty part of me wants to run as much as I want and then lie about it.  It'd be so easy to.   Cake, really, but I'm not going to do it.  My hope is that in a few weeks I can run more, I just need to show them that I can eat enough food to compensate for the calories I burn and not abuse this "privilige" that they've given me.

Other than that, not a ton is happening.  Mila is growing bigger and I am just smitten with her.  She is beautiful and I love being her mama.  I have to say though, she is not an easy baby - she's pretty high-maintenance, and while I understand that pretty much the definition of newborn = high-maintenance, I think she's taken it to a whole new level.  She's fussy a lot of the time and is pretty much always demanding attention.  I can't easily put her in her swing or let her just chill on the ground; it doesn't last long.  It's really tiring.  I wish I knew how to get her to just chill out and let me get some things done.  Even as I'm typing this, she's yelling at me and telling me to get a grip and PICK HER UP.  Sigh.

Pretty sure Miss M looks quite dashing in lime green.

Big smiles!

I'm a wittle glum.  Nothing big, just feel a bit down.  My doc prescribed me Wellbutrin for the PPD, but I'm not entirely sure how well it's working - truthfully I don't feel much different, but I'm on the lowest dose, so maybe going a bit higher will help, who knows.  I was hoping the running would help with the anxiety and depression, but I'm not sure how effective 3 miles worth of endorphins can be?  Hmmmm.

In Cade news, he's doing great - he hasn't had a bad kindergarten day in weeks.  He seems to be doing well and acclimating to school just fine, which is such a relief for me.  We have a therapist for him, who we all affectionately refer to as Dr. Sillypants, and some days I'm so sure he needs the therapy (to help with his anxiety) and then there are other days when I don't think he needs it.  So I guess the jury's still out on that one.  I just want to be a good mommy and help my son in any way that he needs, and if seeing someone will help, then I'm all for it.

Hope you all have a scrumtrulescent weekend.  Tonight we're going to a carnival at Cade's school, and then tomorrow we are going Halloween costume shopping.  Nothing too scandalous, but it should be fun anyway.  Bye lovers!

Mila Smiles

We've finally managed to catch her grinning!  I want to eat her dimples.

Deeeeeeleted

I deleted my previous post.  I decided it was more about my eating disorder than I care to post about on my blog these days.  To those few who managed to comment before I took it down, I want to thank you for your input and supportive comments.  Rock on.

I am now going to eat some buttery popcorn and watch "Dexter."    Happy weekend everybody!

Exercise!

Sweet sassy frassy!  I am so glad, because today my lung doc cleared me for exercise.  I have to start slow, but I can f i n a l l y start getting back in shape.  I used to be an avid runner, and would often run 12, 14 miles at a time, but when I started to relapse, that had to stop, of course.  So, it's been years since I last really exercised because I've had so many years of weight instability.  But, now that I'm at a healthy weight, I've been given the green light to go ahead and start running again.  (Well, I will as soon as my treatment team talks about it today.)

Anyone know any good couch to 5K programs? 
I need to get some new workout clothes of course, because looking good while working out is always important. (I'm joking.  I'm NOT one of those people that work out in the gym with makeup and dangly earrings on.)
Anyone ever do zumba or kick-boxing at the gym?  Pros?  Cons?
Alright, now everyone be really excited for me!  ;)

Fresh Meat

Quick!  Everybody leave me a comment and give me the web address for your favorite blog, or one you think I'd like - it can be your's, or maybe your kinky girlfriend's cat's blog, I no care-o.  I just want some new stuff to read!

Old Habits Die Hard but not When Chocolate is Involved

Whad up, my precious kittens?  I hope you are all having a day that is full of awesome things like steak and cake and some light petting!  (Post-marital, of course.  ;) 

First order of business: thanks so much for your comments and support regarding my previous post.  It's nice to know you've got ma back.

Been struggling for the past few weeks with eating disorder stuff.  You know, just wanting to go back to old behaviors and less than ideal stuff like that.  This past weekend, I totally followed my mealplan, but it was SO HARD.  Not physically of course, I can totally handle the food, but mentally it was really tripping me out.  I felt so guilty and so upset every time I ate.  And honestly, I haven't really felt that way in awhile.  I've had my ED under control enough for the past oh....year? more? or so, so having these thoughts come back has been more than a little frustrating.  (The previous sentence was fraught with grammatical errors.  Holy oh my moly I apologize.)

Anyway, I was talking with my T about this today...about why I feel this need to go back to the ED.  And, frustratingly, I don't really have an answer as to why I am.  I don't know if it's identity stuff again, or just boredom, or maybe habit...and I'm sure my body isn't helping matters, either.  I mean, having it be bigger than it has ever been isn't easy.  I look in the mirror sometimes and don't even recognize myself.  I sometimes, I'll admit, think that if I could just get back to where I used to be, (the healthy "where I used to be," not the unhealthy one) that everything will be alright.  It's like, once my pre-pregnancy jeans fit, everything will be perfecto.  I know that's the most ignorant and lametarded thing ever, but it's where my darn brain is going.  Will someone please slap me upside the head and bring me back to Reality?  Please?

Anyway, despite all this stuff, dear readers, please rest assured that I am NOT going back to my eating disorder.  Yes, the temptation is there, but no, I am not heeding it.  But anyone ever feel this way?  Wanting to go back to the ED but not really knowing why?  Does it ever get any easier?  Will the drive to lose weight ever diminish?  I have hope that it can, but sometimes I seriously wonder.

I could totally murder some Nestle Treasures right now though, so obviously the ED isn't so strong it's going to kill me.  My need for chocolate can vanquish the eating disorder foe like THAT.  (Especially when it has toffee in it!!)  Maybe that's all I need?  A bit o' therapy, a dash of dietary, and loads of chocolate?  Oh, hi, okay, I can do that.  ;)

But seriously.  I have no idea how chocolate managed to become such an integral part of this post, as I was not going there when I started out, but oh wellsies, I go with the flow!

Meant for More

Been addicted to perusing through past entries of my blog - I can't stop - it's like crack, but it doesn't kill brain cells and it's not against the WoW.  I need to stop, though, because I used to be really skinny and really funny and witty and I seem to be none of those things anymore. Kindasorta depressing.  I just don't have the time to blog like I used to - being a mommy right now is more than a full-time job - but I seriously miss the comments and the hilarity and the fulfillment I got from Blogxygen. 

I kind of wonder what is going to fulfill me.  I LOVE being a mom and wouldn't trade it for anything, but I don't seem to be satisfied with cleaning the house and pretending to cook when it's only a grilled cheese and canned tomato soup, and I'm not really content with playgroups and kindergarten reports on Abraham Lincoln.  I'll do all these things and am glad to do them, but I need more.

I think I'm going to go back to school.  I think pursuing my education can make me feel content and give me some self-esteem.  I can either pursue my passion, writing, or I can go into a more practical field, like Social Work.  I think I would love either of those things.  And, why can't I have both?  I think being raised in an LDS culture, we are always told to get married fast (did that) and then hurryhurryhurry, mulitply and replenish the earth!! (did that) and like I said, no regrets, I love my familiy, but I need more.  I need more of an identity than just "Mom."  As I'm getting rid of the ED, I need to find myself and find out who I really am without that super skinny, cool and untouchable model persona.  I mean, what else am I?  What else could I do and accomplish?

So, this probably can't happen right away - Brandon finishes school in just 9 short months, and it'll probably have to wait til he graduates, but I need to think seriously about this - I need to make it happen.  I think I'm meant to do some pretty cool things in this life, and I think having my degree will make that easier and more of a possibility.  What do you think?