Monday, October 3, 2011
First order of business: thanks so much for your comments and support regarding my previous post. It's nice to know you've got ma back.
Been struggling for the past few weeks with eating disorder stuff. You know, just wanting to go back to old behaviors and less than ideal stuff like that. This past weekend, I totally followed my mealplan, but it was SO HARD. Not physically of course, I can totally handle the food, but mentally it was really tripping me out. I felt so guilty and so upset every time I ate. And honestly, I haven't really felt that way in awhile. I've had my ED under control enough for the past oh....year? more? or so, so having these thoughts come back has been more than a little frustrating. (The previous sentence was fraught with grammatical errors. Holy oh my moly I apologize.)
Anyway, I was talking with my T about this today...about why I feel this need to go back to the ED. And, frustratingly, I don't really have an answer as to why I am. I don't know if it's identity stuff again, or just boredom, or maybe habit...and I'm sure my body isn't helping matters, either. I mean, having it be bigger than it has ever been isn't easy. I look in the mirror sometimes and don't even recognize myself. I sometimes, I'll admit, think that if I could just get back to where I used to be, (the healthy "where I used to be," not the unhealthy one) that everything will be alright. It's like, once my pre-pregnancy jeans fit, everything will be perfecto. I know that's the most ignorant and lametarded thing ever, but it's where my darn brain is going. Will someone please slap me upside the head and bring me back to Reality? Please?
Anyway, despite all this stuff, dear readers, please rest assured that I am NOT going back to my eating disorder. Yes, the temptation is there, but no, I am not heeding it. But anyone ever feel this way? Wanting to go back to the ED but not really knowing why? Does it ever get any easier? Will the drive to lose weight ever diminish? I have hope that it can, but sometimes I seriously wonder.
I could totally murder some Nestle Treasures right now though, so obviously the ED isn't so strong it's going to kill me. My need for chocolate can vanquish the eating disorder foe like THAT. (Especially when it has toffee in it!!) Maybe that's all I need? A bit o' therapy, a dash of dietary, and loads of chocolate? Oh, hi, okay, I can do that. ;)
But seriously. I have no idea how chocolate managed to become such an integral part of this post, as I was not going there when I started out, but oh wellsies, I go with the flow!
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