Mila is 2 Months Old!

My brave lil' womanly got her 2 month shots this week.  It was SO traumatic.  I don't know if it was worse for me than her, but when she started quivering her little lip and crying, I almost started to do the same.  Poor thing was really miserable and out of it for awhile, she really did not like those shots!

Mila is slightly above average for her height, and under average for her weight.  She weighed in at 9 lbs 14 oz, so she's still pretty teeny.  I'm not surprised by her stats, because Cade was about like her - tall and skinny.  (Maybe like their mama?)

I am REALLY having a hard time with breast-feeding.  I just can't seem to produce enough milk for her.  I nurse her, but almost always, 20-30 minutes after I feed her, she's ravenous again, so I make her a bottle.  If we were like pilgrims and formula wasn't invented, what would I do for my poor girl?  Give her something outrageous like milk from the goats I'd have to inevitably milk everyday?  Gross.  Anyway, if any of you can send some good, vitamin D rich milk vibes my way, please do so!

We blessed Mila on Sunday and that went well.  I was super stressed trying to plan a party and arrange for food, etc, (my whole family came) but it seemed to go off without a hitch and Brandon gave her a beautiful blessing.  Thanks again to all my fam for coming and supporting me and Mila.  :)

Daddy and Mila on her blessing day.

Loved her blessing outfit.  That gold cardigan, and she was wearing bloomers.  BLOOMERS!

Love you, Mees.

T. Swift Tee Idea

Tomorrow night Brandon and I are going to the Taylor Swift concert.  I am beyond excited - Brandon surprised me with the tix months ago, and I've been looking forward to it ever since - he even got me killer seats - we're on the floor, on the 15th row.  So I am going to go to this concert and I am going to shamelessly sing my heart out to all her pre-teen, naive lyrics, because I like the chick and because I really respect the fact that she writes her own music.  I don't care if I sound like an adolescent, I really like her stuff!

So I mentioned to Brandon the other day that I thought it would be fun if we made tee-shirts to go to the concert, you know, something just fun and simple, like this:

And Brandon thought it would be a good idea, only he thinks he should add just a little something to the back of the tee...
and this is what he suggested.

I totally cackled.
(And no, in case you were wondering, I did NOT make the tees.  A simple outfit from Brass Plum will have to suffice.)

8 Inches, Bye-Bye

I just WHACKED my hair off - and it happened so fast!  Literally last night, I was thinking that I just couldn't stand my hair for another nano-second and needed a change, and asap.  So I called up my hair stylist this morning, and thankfully she was able to cater to my impulsive whims and get me in this afternoon.  My instructions to her were to make it casual and easy to do, because, honesty moment, I really don't do my hair that often.    Take it easy, it's harrrrrd with a newborn to do myself up, no kidding.  So this 'do is super easy; I can air-dry it and let my natural waves do the rest.  I got rid of 8 inches and I sooooo don't regret it!  LOVE me this change.  :)

Before:

After:

You Know You Want More Pictures

I had some fun taking pictures yesterday.  Cade and I were snapping away and giggling like little school girls while Mila and the cats cooly watched from the other sofa.  What I'm not posting on this blog are about 48746 outtakes of us just snapping pictures randomly that resulted in a lot of nostril, boob, and gross teeth shots.  Here are the few that were cute!  (And a couple more of Cade and Mila, thrown in there for good measure!)

Happy weekend everybody!

Happy Birthday Brandon!

Yesterday was Brandon's 29th birthday.  When I was trying to think of what we would do for his birthday, I remembered something that I knew I wanted to do that would absolutely tickle Big B.  See, we live near a restaurant called Pistol Pete's.  Since it's near our home, we pass it in the car alllll the time, and despite the fact that we've lived in the area for 2 years, (and me most of my life) we've never eaten at the restaurant.  Every time we pass it and see the sign, Brandon begs me to let us eat there - and I laugh but say NO because girlfriend here is not a fan of trying new restaurants (usually) and prefer to stick to what I know (always).  So, a long time ago, seriously it was probably what?-- a good year ago, Brandon, after telling me he wanted to go to Pistol Pete's AGAIN, and me flatly refusing, he declared, "Okay, but we are going there on my birthday.  That's my only birthday wish - to eat at Pistol Pete's!"  And...every time we've passed it since, which would seriously be at least 5 times a week, he'll say, "PISTOL PETE'S!  WE'RE EATIN' THERE ON MY BIRTHDAY!"  So, if he said that 5 times a week for the past year, that means I heard him say that roughly 260 times this year, and it GOT OLD.

So I gave in.  Yesterday for his birthday, I took him to Pistol Pete's. 
And you know what?  I LOVED IT!!  I feel bad, I should have taken the poor guy there a long time ago for how grateful he was.  Maybe I should try new things more often?  (Pork tacos, get in my belluh!)

Anyway, I love you, Birthday Man.  You make me so happy.  I never laugh more than when I am with you and I love having you come home to me every night.  You are nearly perfect - you'll get there as soon as you start utilizing Facebook so that I can write dirty things on your wall and when you watch ANTM with me.  Other than that, you're The Ideal Man.  :)  I hope you had an awesome birthday, and I can't wait to celebrate many more with you (and eat at Pistol Pete's lots more, too)!

Nice Threads

Miss Mila Jane in her first Juicy Couture:

Picture Update

I've been thinking for the past few days that I really need to post something, but TRAGICALLY, I can't think of anything to write about.  Life is okay (if a little mundane sometimes) and I am spending most of my time attending to the little chica's demands.  (And to the demands of my lungs, which, unfortunately, are not faring too well these days.  I am glued to my nebulizer and inhaler(s).)

So, in lieu of words, here are some pics!  (And I apologize because if you're my friend on Facebook, you've probably already seen a few of these...)

Take it easy, she knows she has a weight problem.

Miss Mila is 7 Weeks Old!

I realized I've never done any formal updates for when Mila hits age and growth milestones.  I'm not sure how consistent I'll be, but I thought I'd share a few things about Mila at 7 weeks:

Mila loves to be cuddled.  She immdiately calms down as soon as I pick her up and bring her close to my face and coo or give her kisses.  She definitely knows her mama and I love it!
Mila is starting to lose her hair.  :(  All of her dark, luscious locks I fear are doomed to be shedded.  She still has a fairly decent head of hair, but it's less than she had when she was born, so I'm afraid she's going to lose it all.  She'll still be adorable bald, of course, but I'm still sad about it.
Mila tolerates being bathed, but I feel awful when I put her in the bath because her teeth chatter no matter how much I try to keep her warm...and even for a couple hours afterward, she'll chatter her teeth and quiver her chin just so she can remind me how much she dislikes being naked and cold, and I swear she's just trying to make me feel guilty.  It works.  Poor thing!
Mila is just starting to smile.  It's not consistent enough yet that I can capture it on camera, but several times today when we've smiled at her or played with her, she's just flashed this most beautiful smile.  I can't wait to see it more as she gets older.
Mila is finally starting to get sleep a little better through the night.  A couple nights ago she only woke up once, and she did that for a few nights, before resuming last night to waking up twice - but still, that's better than the 4 or so times she was waking up initially.  I'm getting better about falling asleep while she's breastfeeding - I give her my boob and then usually fall asleep sitting up, with the teat hanging out.  Very classy!
Mila is still quite small.  All of her 0-3 month clothes are still very big on her, and even at 7 weeks, she still fits quite easily in all of her newborn size clothes.  This is shocking to me, because by the time Cade was 7 weeks, he was bigger than she is - but it's all confuzzling because I got so much bigger while pregnant with Mila than with Cade, so I assumed she'd be bigger, but that doesn't seem to be the case.  Weird?
Miss Mila is allllllll about her hands.  They're very important to her!  She is always waving them around and clasping them to her chest or grasping my shirt...but they are a very big deal around here.  ;)
While I do breastfeed Mila the majority of the time, she does get 1-2 bottles everyday.  But, at this point, she much prefers to breastfeed rather than bottle feed.  In fact, I swear my milk puts her into a coma because she is so much calmer while breastfeeding than with a bottle, it's kind of cute.  :)
Mila still sleeps quite a bit, but she is definitely starting to be awake more during the day, and sometimes I'm like, what am I supposed to do with you? -- it's hard getting used to dealing with a newborns demands!  But I love her bright little blue eyes and how inquisitive she is when she's awake; she's always moving her head around and looking at her surroundings.  She's definitely an alert little baby!

Brandon and Cade and I love Mila so much.  It's hard to believe that she's almost 2 months old - the time flies by so fast, but I'm so happy she's here, it's like she's filled this hole in my heart, and my life feels so much more complete with her here.  Sounds cliche and corny, but I mean every word.  I love you Miss Mila!

Mila at 7 weeks.

Tying Up Loose Ends

So, I went and saw my doctor yesterday for Post-Partum Depression, only our appointment got a little derailed because I was sort of dying.  See, all weekend I'd been struggling with terrible asthma - using my inhaler and nebulizer like Dr. Drew uses his pouty lip or like Tyra Banks over-uses the words "FIERCE" and "DRECKITUDE."  I couldn't function very well because I was wheezing so bad.  It was honestly pathetic.  So come Sunday night, Brandon finally asked me if I just wanted to go to the ER and get all this over with.  I told him that I reallllly wanted to try to make it through the night, as I was seeing my doctor in the morning, and I could save a lot of time and money if my lungs could make it just a weensy longer.  And I did - barely.

So I get to the doctor, and my peak flow was at like 150 - if you're not a lung person, just know that's really bad - and then they took my oxygen saturation, and they were horrified to find out it was at 89 - again, that's BAD.  So instead of really talking about my depression, we more just focused  on me staying alive to even HAVE depression.  Okay, okay, that's a little dramatic, but not by much.  I was seriously in a bad place yesterday.

So, I'm going back in 2 weeks, and hopefully we'll talk more about it then.  She did make a small med change, but honestly I'm not too optimistic it'll help, but I'll try it.  Dying never!  Breathing forever!

And...the Cade Kindergarten Fiasco of 2011 I think went a little better today.  Before school, I asked him if when he went to school today if he was going to be brave or scared, and I told him if he was scared, that was okay, but that we just needed to talk about it.  He told me he wasn't going to be scared, and true to his word, today he went right into class without any problems.  And I don't know specifics of how school went today, but as I was picking him up, I made eye contact with his teacher, and she gave me a thumbs up sign, so I'll take it.  I figure I definitely wouldn't have gotten that had he wreaked all sorts of havoc in class today.  So, progress!  Onward and upward, as my old therapist would (kind of annoyingly) say.

So in case you were wondering, there were some updates from things I've mentioned previously on this blog.  :)

Cade Takes a Step Back

Watching Harry Potter with his wand.

Remember how I just posted about how awesome Cade was doing with starting kindergarten?  Yeah, well NIX THAT.  Ah man.  Today we took a giant step backward with the whole kindergarten thing.

It all started with the color yellow.  Cade was supposed to wear that color to school today, because they were learning about it, or something.  So when I pulled his only yellow shirt over his head, which is this cheap monstrosity, Cade warned me that he didn't like it and he didn't want to wear it, but I made him because I didn't want him to be the only kid in his class that wasn't wearing yellow and feel like a freak.  Only, I should have listened to him, because apparently wearing yellow made him feel like a freak anyway, and things just went downhill from there.

When I took him to his class, he grabbed my leg and said quite resolutely, "I'M NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY MOM.  NOOOOOOO WAY, MOM!"  And I kind of looked at him baffled, because school has been in session for 2 weeks, and he hasn't had a single problem.  So I tried pulling him through the door.  I tried bribing him through the door.  I tried threatening him through the door.  And, finally, when all else failed, I DRAGGED him through the door.  By then he was crying, and I was near tears too because I was flustered and bewildered as to why my kid was suddenly swimming laps around the anxiety pool.  Fortunately his (awesomely sweet) teacher came over in that moment and took (read: PRIED) him away from me, and I left.  I thought about him all that afternoon, hoping and praying that he was handling school well and not having a melt down.

Three hours later, I went to pick him up.  His teacher came right up to me after the bell rang, and told me that there had been some "issues" that day.  Great.  I cringed, waiting for the worst.  I am used to my child being willfull and defiant, and sometimes that's what I love most about him - but I also know, then when it comes time to conform, like in school, and say, just sit and do your work and be quiet, I'm not always sure Cade is going to be great at that.  And today he wasn't.  She told me, "Today, Cade REFUSED to try."  He wouldn't do a lick of his work, because he kept saying over and over, "I CAN'T do it."  This really concerns me, because I don't want my 5 year old at such an early age to think he can't do things, to already feel so incapable - I mean, isn't that supposed to happen during the dreaded adolescence?  Brandon and I tell him several times a day what a good boy he is, and how smart and strong and brave and wonderful he is.  We shower him with love and compliments and positive affirmations.  So...to have my kid already starting out, saying he can't do something, breaks my heart.  I don't know what to do about it.

So, when we got to the car, I told Cade that he could watch cartoons after school for a little bit, but then we were going to sit at the table and do alllll the work that he refused to do at school.  I don't want him to think he can get out of it, or that it isn't important.  My hope is that he'll start to do it at school once again, just as soon as he realizes that sitting at home and doing it with Mommy and Daddy is no fun when he could be playing the Wii or superheroes or something.  So Brandon sat with him for an hour and they did all his work...and it was hard.  (NO CADE, IT'S A T.  A T!!  NONOTANL!  A T!!! *giggles from cade, groans from brandon...*)  You need an incredible amount of patience with this kid, because he's smart and absolutely capable of the work - but lacks the drive and desire to do the work.

So, what do I do?  How do I give my sweet son more self-esteem?  How do we get it in his brain that kindergarten isn't, like, a choice.  In my desperation this afternoon when I was trying to get him into school, I told him that Mommy and Daddy would go to jail if he didn't go to school, and HE LAUGHED.  IN MY FACE.  Punk.  But I'm serious.  If any of you have any ideas on how I could help encourage him in this, or if you can just relate, I'd love to hear from you.  I just want what's best for my guy, and it makes me sad that he's scared of school and feels inadequate.

Later today, after school was out, I asked him why he didn't like school that day, and he crumpled to the ground and wailed that he hated school because it was "Yellow Day" and that he HATES YELLOW.  So I ripped that shirt off his head and told him to go pick annnny shirt he wanted.  Tomorrow is Yellow Day too, but if Cade will go to school sans the freak out?  He can wear any color he wants, conformity be damned.

Sigh.  Cross your fingers that tomorrow goes better...

Reflecting on this Sunday

If Sunday is supposed to be a "day of rest," I don't know why mine is so insane.  It probably has something to do with the fact that I have 9 a.m. church and two kids, neither of whom are morning people.  Trying to wake Cade up before 10 a.m. is like trying to wake up a bear out of hibernation - and almost just as dangerous, no kidding.  Although who am I fooling?  It's probably harder for me to get up than him, but I blame the fact I'm waking up during the night to feed the little munchkin.  9 a.m., in my opinion, is like the butt-crack of dawn.   And...it's not even like I get much out of church with a 5 year old and a 6 week old - all of my time is spent trying to do damage control.   Oh well.  At least I try, and at least Mila looked darling in her dress today.  I am definitely one of those mothers that has kids who are dressed better than her.  Especially now...I don't really fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes yet, but most of my maternity stuff is now too big, so I recycle the same few items of clothing over and over.  That poor black skirt I wear every week...it's workin' real hard...

Today has been a sobering day, what with it being the anniversary of 9/11.  I remember so clearly that day - it was during my senior year of high school, and I remember that we did no work that day at school, only shuffled from class to class and watched the news reports on what was happening.  Several of my teachers cried.  I think we were all in shock.  It seemed so surreal, and now 10 years later, it seems just as surreal.  Brandon and I have been glued to the TV all day, watching the documentaries and news stories covering it, and it's so sobering.  It's particularly difficult for me to watch the videos or see the pictures of the people who jumped from the towers to avoid the fire - watching them free-fall like that...it literally makes me sick.  I swear I was eating when I watched it, and had to stop because I felt sick to my stomach.  The attack and what happened...there was so much hate.  It's hard to stomach.

Anyway, I know it's a day I'll never forget, and I think it's really important we all remember, and tell our kids about it so they can carry on the legacy of all we lost that day, and of all the brave men and women who saved so many lives that day.  One day I hope to visit the memorial site with Cade and Mila and tell them what happened.

And here's a couple cute pictures of Mila, just for good measure.  :)

Squishy sleep cheeks!

Bear bum!  (Cute outfit given to Mila by my T.  :)

Mish Mash

I've decided, after a little trepidation, to keep Blogxygen up and running and to not make it private.  My posts are going to be much more family-oriented, and I probably won't talk about my ED much, and if that bores others or if they no longer want to read, then peace.  I'm changing I guess, and that means my blog is going to change.  I hope you stick around and read, but if you don't, as my niece would say, then get away from me, I don't even care.  ;)

Cade is doing well with Kindergarten - honestly, he's doing better than I thought he would.  I was really nervous about him starting school, but he is handling it like a champ and seems to really like it.  The other day I asked him what he did at school, and he answered, "I don't even know what I did but I know I loved it."  :)  Silly boy.  He's already made a new friend named Simjay (sp?) and they're best little buddies.  And this Simjay makes me smile because he's like some mini rocker with his shoulder-length hair and Vans shoes and skinny jeans.  I love how at as early as 5 years old, these kids already have such strong little personalities.  Take Cade for example.  Just now I asked him if I could take a picture of him for this blog post, and he gave me the dirtiest look and said NO WAY MOM.  I don't remember being such a little bugger as a kid, but now I'm totally digressing and that's neither here nor there.  So no cute picture of my son for you to look at today, I'm afraid.

Mila is doing well.  She's just starting to sleep a little better through the night, which is so fabulous - last night she only woke up twice, which is so much better than the 4 or so times she's been waking up previously.  She's also gaining weight - I don't know for sure, but I estimate she's almost 9 pounds by now, though I won't tell her that, because I won't everrrrrr focus on weight with her; there's no need to give her a complex afterall.  :)

I'm being evaluated on Monday for that pesky little thing called Post-Partum Depression.  I'm just plain ol' blue, there's no getting around it.  I never want to get up in the mornings or clean my house or do my hair, (which is NOT helping the self-esteem) and I'm really not functioning very well, so I want to get this checked out before it becomes, like, this Big Thing.  Just nip it in the bud, you know?  Maybe a change of meds will be good for me.

And, I don't want to focus on weight loss too much, especially since so many people that read my blog have EDs or used to, but while I still have some pregnancy weight to lose, I definitely have lost some, which is awesome, because I'm not restricting or resulting to old, anorexic behaviors to lose the weight, so this is big for me - to do it the right and healthy way and not turn all freaky eating disorder on you.  It's hard to be patient and lose the weight slowly, but I'm glad I am, not just for my health, but to be a good example to Mila and to look back and be really proud of myself.  That's something, right there.

I wanted to post this picture because I love this little parasite so much.  I wanted Cade in the picture too, but got the resounding NO WAY MOM, so I decided not to push it.  Have a good weekend, all!

Still Uneasy Uneasy Lemon Squeezy

I'm still completely baffled as to what to do re: my blog, and if I should go private or not.  I actually am really proud of Blogxygen, and while I'm not proud of my eating disorder, I'm proud that I've come this far and have made it through...I just don't know if I still want anyone on the interwebs to be able to read everything about me...I mean, I've put myself out there.  I've made myself vulnerable; just about anyone can read everything they want to know about me - and, like I said, I'm proud of how far I've come, and I don't want to be ashamed of my past, but I still don't know if that means I have to be comfortable with everyone knowing so much about me.  I have no idea if that convoluted, run-on sentence made sense, but there you have it.

So I'm going to continue to think about it.  If I do decide to go private, I'll give a few days notice and an opportunity for people to send me their emails for an invite.

Labor Day Pics

Brandon and Cade and Mila and I decided to have a relaxed holiday.  We took a picnic to the park and then I sat with Mila in the shade while Brandon and Cade played soccer.  I then went to the mall and scored on some holiday sales...and picked out this darling dress for Mila (pictured below).  Hope everyone is having a great holiday!  (I am.  :)

I'm sans makeup.  Icky.

PS - my poor baby has a wicked case of baby acne.  Anybody know any remedies?

My Pretty Girl

She's so adorable, I want to eat her!  (If you don't agree, you're crazy, get away from me.)

Uneasy

I'm feeling really conflicted right now about my blog.  It's kind of unnerving me that so many people know so much about me.  Also, I am basically known for my ED, right?  Especially in the community I live in, everyone knows me because of my eating disorder, whether they were in treatment with me or they went to high school with me or they read my blog or just heard about that one crazy chick with anorexia.

I don't want to be known that way anymore, and while Blogxygen is no longer really an ED-focused blog, it certainly used to be, and I don't know if I'm okay with my life being so public anymore.

So I may go private.  I'm going to decide in the next 24 hours or so.