Thursday, March 3, 2011

“But Lord please please please take away my anxiety.”

I saw my obstetrician this morning. Everything is fine. Baby is growing and thriving.
But I still cried anyway.
A lot.
It was kind of embarrassing to be wiping snot and tears away in front of my OB, but I figure if she’s seen flabby vaginas, she’s seen worse.

My anxiety literally feels like it’s getting to a point where it might be out of control. I’m approaching the time period in this pregnancy where I lost Kendall at the same point, and my anxiety about that has sky-rocketed. I cry daily. I worry. I hyperventilate. I try to sleep it off. I’m grouchy. I’m irritable. I’m quiet and withdrawn. I seriously wish that I could just put myself in a coma for the next few weeks and wake up after 21 weeks. This morning my doctor suggested I come in every week for now (as opposed to every other week) so that I can get an ultrasound and be reassured that Baby Girl is growing and has a strong heartbeat, and I gratefully took her up on her offer. I hope the more frequent check-ups on Baby will help put my mind at ease.

I’m also incredibly stressed about my weight. This is yet another reason that I cry and panic daily. I feel like I am gaining weight at an alarming rate, and though I knew that of course I would gain weight in this pregnancy, I was not prepared for how quickly I would gain it. Even though I am absolutely eating and following my mealplan, I will admit to you that I have never felt as “anorexic” in my thoughts as I do now…probably in years and years. I am so preoccupied with my body, my size. I’m embarrassed to go out in public because of how big I think I am. Every week when the number on the scale goes up more than I have deemed “acceptable,” I lose it. I just lose it you guys. So, obviously, I’ve decided that right away, weighing myself needs to stop. Also, I talked to my OB today about making sure I get on the scale backward, and having them not mention my weight to me unless it’s getting out of control or something. She agreed that was a smart move. I am hoping that not knowing my number can help with the anxiety as well.

And, in telling you all of my anxieties, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I am incredibly thrilled to be carrying my sweet little girl. I can’t wait to hold her in my arms in 5 months time and marvel at her beauty and perfection and her squishy little thighs. But, unfortunately, none of that takes away my fears. I dislike being pregnant. It wreaks havoc on me physically and emotionally. I know it’ll be worth it, and that’s how I make it through my days, but in the interim, this girl is really struggling.

14 comments:

Maeve said...

Brie,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling so much with anxiety. It sounds like you've made some really good decisions to try and get you through this rough patch and I'm glad you've got a great OB to help you through.

Take care of yourself and if there's anything at all we can do to help you let us know!!!!

Maeve

Sia Jane said...

Angel (((hugs))
The anxiety sounds terrifying, and even though you have rationalised it here, I know it still leaves the feelings.
I am so proud of you for writing here and for being able to cry.
I am sorry you are so scared.
I also think that the anxiety is hitting you with regards to preoccupation with weight/size because that is how anxiety operates.
It heightens everything.
you need to keep going, eat your meal plan, and if it means crying all the way through this, you do that.
Just keep talking, writing and reaching out.
Sending so much love xxxxx

Melanie said...

It's funny how pregnancy works, right? I mean, we get to GROW people. It should be this UH-MAZE-ING time in our lives. All I can say is that I went through some pretty nasty stuff (in my head, you know- depression, etc.) with my last pregnancy. I wanted the baby- the pregnancy was expected, but that didn't stop the depression I felt during his pregnancy. I mean, serious yucky stuff.

Pregnancy is just not that great for some people. And I think that's okay. I think everyone knows that you love your baby and are happy for this baby. Truly, you don't sound ungrateful to me at all.

Keep on Brie!

Kerri said...

You don't sound ungrateful. You sound terrified and exhausted- and I completely understand why. You have every reason to feel the way you do. Women without ED issues stress about their weight gain during pregnancy- and a good percentage of those to an extreme amount, so it's really no surprise that you are too. Normally I would say to just focus on the child that will be here soon, but I know in your case that can just cause more anxiety. I think being able to write about it here is a good thing though- I am glad you have a place to let all that out and get feedback. I know that sort of thing is important to me too when I am really anxious. I hope your weekly ultrasounds ease your mind a little and that some of that horrible anxiety lessens soon! Feel better Brie. :)

emo said...

Brie,

I love ya girl!I know the anxiety thing quite a bit. Glad you get to visit weekly to put your mind at ease.

You should come have your nails done again and when you get feeling real prego big I would love to give you a nice pedi(soak your feet kind and massage for pregnant ladies) and of course for free since I am a student still. I enjoy it!

emo said...

Just text me when. Sundays seem to be good days. :)

Em said...

Pregnancy sucks. Sorry. Hang in there. I think you look like a fertility goddess, if that counts for anything. Congratulations for taking care of your body and your baby. I'm pulling for you.

allegri said...

praying for you my love!

tim@arcadecollecting.com said...

Sorry you're feeling so full of anxiety.....it's totally understandable given what you went through in your last pregnancy! I didn't like being pregnant either. I could never understand those women who JUST LOVE pregnancy. Of course, the end result makes it totally worth it like you said, but the journey to the end can really suck. Hang in there........

tim@arcadecollecting.com said...

oops.....that last comment was from me.....Heather Lindquist. I forgot I was using my husband's google account. : )

Sarah said...

Brie, I think this is completely understandable and I think it's great that you have this blog to vent about your feelings. The truth is, from what you have shared, you are doing an INCREDIBLE job as a pregnant mama right now!!! You have advocated for yourself, you are gaining weight like a pregnant mom should, you are adjusting your care plan to help you deal with your anxiety. What's not to applaud here? The truth is that you are doing absolutely everything you can to produce the healthiest little baby you can. The rest is up to God and your doctors. I will be praying for a healthy delivery and for your anxiety to go away because you deserve to be happy and excited, not anxious in this time in your life.

Will said...

your title is perfect! Only God is going to be able to get you through the rough patches or struggling through the weight issues and the anxiety.
But since you already have a kid you know there is SO much to worry about prior to them arriving...but then you hold them and it makes everything you are gonig through now worth it.
And then they get a little older and there are other things for you to worry about with them.
You just have to put your faith in God and know that he is good and will only send your trials that he knows you can get through!

Penny said...

What wonderful comments. Good and smart and caring people comment on your blog. One thing I know from experience is that for me, your Mom, and for your other sisters we all naturally gained the most weight for seemingly no good reason during the second trimester. I remember gaining like 9 pounds and certainly your sisters did too in just one three or four week time, maybe even more weight ( Ask Misty or Amber)! So, it is a genetic issue too so don't stress too much, it will even out. And how many of your sistas are even Fat? Now? Well, none. I want you to realize that it is hard for every American woman to put on weight that seems to be too much, at a time the baby seems so little, but it just plain ol happens. Please try to enjoy your pregnancy Goddess status and worry about what you can control and be glad that you are not the Goddess of the whole Universe. Love you, my dear.

Kerri said...

^^Plus-- you have amazing parents :)
What a great comment from your mom.. and so true!