Saturday, March 26, 2011

It's a New Day

I did it.  As of Thursday morning, I passed the point in this pregnancy where I lost Kendall.  I am officially farther than I was when I lost her.  But, even knowing this, I didn't feel better.  I still felt miserable in my anxiety, waiting with bated breath for the time when I'd recieve the devastating news that Little A was gone.

Isn't that a terrible way to live?  To morbidly await the time you will hear that your child is no longer with you?

But then, in group on Thursday night, and in therapy the next morning, I learned something.  I learned that I have perhaps compared this pregnancy to Kendall's pregnancy to the extreme - to the utmost detriment to myself and Baby A.  For example, when I felt this baby moving, I'd think about at what point in my pregnancy I felt Kendall moving.  I compared my weight gain to Kendall's pregnancy.  I compared my morning sickness, etc.  Get it?  Everything, still, was about Kendall.

But, as hard as this is for me to say, this isn't about Kendall.  Holy crap, just saying that makes me ache.  I love Kendall, but I have to let her go (but always remember and honor and love her) because this pregnancy doesn't belong to her.  It belongs to my second daughter, Avery Jane.  And she is fine.  She is healthy and beautiful and strong and it's time for me to stop awaiting Doomsday and thank God for my pregnancy and relish every moment of it.

So, it's a new day.  It's time for me to take a deep breath and enjoy this pregnancy.  I'm ready.

25 comments:

whitney said...

I have never posted before but I just wanted to say what a strong person I think you are. I have followed your blog for a long time now and also went to cfc. I am so proud of you! What a beautiful name for your daughter. So happy for you!

battleinmind said...

Beautiful name for the new baby, I'm so excited for this baby, because it's so obviously wanted and loved by you.
I really hope you can start enjoying this pregnancy.
xxx

bananas said...

This brought tears to my eyes. It must be so hard to kind of put Kendall aside, but you're right -- you have to, because this isn't Kendall. This is baby Avery. And Avery is not Kendall. She's her own little being. I hope that you do stop comparing and that it lightens your heart. Cause you're a bad ass MUTHA!!!!!!

Britni Marie said...

I wish I could help. When I was 4 years old my mom was pregnant with my sister Mary Anne. My mom was full term with Mary Anne and everything. But I guess when she dropped in order to get ready to be born, her ambicial cord was in a knot, so she couldn't breath. My mom was doing hair at the time and thought DANG this baby has some hiccups then later realized it was her gasping for breath. I don't remember much, but I do remember going to her funeral and saying to my grandma something to the point that I always imagined french braiding her long blond hair, now I won't be able to do that. And my Grandma said that I also said to her "I want to go to heaven so I can be with Mary Anne and Jesus." I don't know why I'm telling you this all of this, but I am sure my mom can relate to you, with losing a baby then with the next pregnancy getting anxiety attacks... my mom couldn't figure out why she was having them, and she went and talked to the doctor about it and he said she's having them cuz she was at the point in her pregnancy when she lost my sister Mary Anne. I just want you to know you're not alone in losing a baby. But I hope you're able to heal, from the loss. Hang in there and remember you're not alone.

Stevie said...

Sounds like you've made a huge breakthrough - yay, Brie! Also, what a beautiful name! A friend of mine has a daughter named Avery and I've always thought it was a great name. :)

Stevie said...

P.S. You look fantastic!

allegri said...

Brie, I am so proud of you. You have leapt over so many hurdles in life, yet alone with this pregnancy and the loss of your sweet angel. You indeed are a shinning light, even in the midst of all your anxiety + fears. God is with you + has blessed you magnificently. I am so glad to hear that sweet Avery Jane ( LOVE the name btw) is doing well, she is healthy + strong and that her amazing mummy is too!

God Bless!

Missy said...

Gorgeous name. Gorgeous. Kendall is up in heaven quietly whispering to your heart to focus on her little sister. (0:

Sia Jane said...

Amazing {{{hugs}}}

Shanllleigh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shanllleigh said...

You look great and I love baby Avery Jane's name. Take a deep breath and enjoy the rest of this pregnancy! I can't wait to see pics of your sweet baby! Hope you are feeling well!

Shanllleigh said...

okay I hope I posted that right I am a blog idiot :)

Jinii said...

I love the name! I am so glad things are going well. Excited for you to get this little Avery here to snuggle and love! You really are so strong just remember that!

katie said...

Brie-this makes me smile to read :) Congrats on jumping to the present to be with Avery Jane, while keeping Kendall in your memory. They are two separate people, and it's awesome to hear you say that you now see that Avery deserves and gets to be Avery. Kendall gets to be Kendall. Congrats girl. Smile and sing to a happy song, it makes anxiety wither in your shadow for a few minutes.

Krista said...

What a hard yet amazing realization that is. Avery was our "girl" name ever since I found out I was prego with Jax. I love it. I also love the Mutha shirt.

Adam and Cassie said...

Great post and a beautiful name. Congrats Brie!!

Kerri said...

Aww I am so excited to see this post! That name is adorable and you look awesome. :)

Penny said...

Oh how happy I am for you and baby Avery. This post makes perfect sense and how glad that I am that you have internalized these truths. She will feel your relaxation and you will both be so much happier!

Sarah @ Bearing, Eating, Being said...

Your strength astounds me! What a beautiful name and a beautiful mommy...

ania said...

Dear Brie,

Wow. What a tough thing to articulate and practice. But you are doing it for Avery Jane. So that you can tell her the details of the earliest days of story. So that you can tell them with detail and a greater degree of joy. I don't know if all of the grief and anxiety lingering from losing Kendall will totally separate from this pregnancy, but you are working to disentangle it. I imagine that there are special difficulties with keeping love and longing for a lost child from overreaching the love for one on the way. I know you want to give Avery all that you can give her.

You are impressive, Brie. You just....rock, in 10 different ways.

Sheryl said...

Oh Brie, You are incredible! I just started bawling - THANKS A LOT (hehe). Really, you are so strong and your post was powerful. I am 5 weeks out from delivery of my first little girl, and your words just hit home. Love ya

Andi said...

You look incredible...and you should be so proud of how far you have come.

Love that little ones name, too!

simonattic said...

I'm so stinkin' happy for you!

simonattic said...

Oh, this is Heather Lindquist.

Lea - A very sweet life with Vail said...

I have a good feeling that Avery will be fine and healthy. I wish you the best and happy motherhood! Take the time to enjoy every moment. ...I have a daughter named Avery too...great name choice!