Yeah, I Went There

Before you go further, you MUST read -->this<-- post.  (Don't worry, it's very short.)

The Lick Clique.  I wanted to be a part of it.

So yesterday...

I saw Roberta (Bobbi) and Harriet (Hairy) grooming each other

and, I was jealous...

so

I went right up to Hairy, I stuck out my tongue,

and

I gave her two nice, wet, and hearty licks, right on top of her head.

She tasted furry.

And a little, like, musty?  (Not to be confused with MUSKY.)

Brandon almost puked.

(And still refuses to kiss me.)

Yeah, I went there.

Aching for Kendall

Cade asks me several times a day if I'm having a baby.  When I tell him no, he asks, so innocently, "'But Mommy, why not?"  He asks me repeatedly if Baby Penny (his cousin, who was born on the day Kendall was due) can be his little sister, and when I reply and tell him that she's not his sister, just his cousin, he gets sad, and begs me to be her mommy so she can be his sister.

I ache that I can't give him another sibling.  I ache that Kenall is gone.  Because if I could; if Cade were old enough so he could understand, I'd sit him on my lap and tell him that his sister is gone but that he's still a big brother anyway, and I'd try to explain to him that someday, he'll get to be a big brother in this lifetime, and someday, Mommy will be pregnant again.

But when I tell him these things, he doesn't understand.  And I think he's lonely.  And it makes me sad.  It makes me ache.

A Glaringly Obvious Reminder

You know, most peeps love fall because they can wax poetic about the beautiful orange and red leaves, and the pumpkin carving, and the harvest moons…

I love fall because I can wax poetic about the RETURN OF NETWORK TELEVISION. Seriously I always wonder how I even make it through the summer. How do I survive without my weekly doses of Jillian’s eyebrows and Blair’s schemes and Tyra’s fierce outfits? I mean HONESTLY.

So tomorrow is the return of my all time favorite, Biggest Loser. And to celebrate the premier, I am having a party, and the only stipulation is that you must bring some food to share. And NO, you cannot bring carrot sticks and raisins. You must bring the most un-Biggest Loser like snack you can think of, that way while the new contestants and SOBBING and SWEATING PROFUSELY after walking only 100 yards, I can gleefully watch them while noshing on the very food that got them there in the first place. It’s so fun, you should try it! So if you’d like to be on the guest list for tomorrow night, do let me know. Just come prepared to EAT and LOVE JILLIAN’S EYEBROWS. A’ight?

Speaking of like eating and gaining weight…
I have a fun story for you:

So in group last Thursday, I was talking about what my last post was about, you know, how and where do I set boundaries in a friendship, etc, and I don’t really know how we got on the subject, but the Almighty T was talking about how noticeable it is that I’m in a better place, and she was like, “IT’S GLARINGLY OBVIOUS you’re doing better.” And I kind of looked at her, like, “It’s that GLARINGLY OBVIOUS that I’ve gained weight, huh?” (and mix in a crestfallen look in there somewhere) and then she laughed and tried to backpedal and was like, “it’s not GLARINGLY OBVIOUS you’ve gained weight, just that you know er you know like you’re errrr doing better in all of these other areas.” (She says, evasively.) And I’m like “Nuh-uh NO YOU DIDN’T.” And everyone was laughing at my GLARINGLY OBVIOUS bigger butt and creamy thighs and now we can’t let the joke go. The next day I was hanging with my friend and group sis D; I was helping her move, and we were walking back to her car, and someone had parked suuuuper close next to the passenger side door, and I was like, “Dar, you gotta back out, there’s no way I can fit in there,” and she was like, “Oh yeah, it’s totally GLARINGLY OBVIOUS that you can’t fit BAHAHAHAHAHA” and I’m like “NICE.” (Only not really.) And then later that night I sat on a box and BROKE IT and she was like “It’s GLARINGLY OBVIOUS why that box broke” and I’m like ooooh I’m meek and it was cardboard so shut the heck up JERK.

So please.

When it’s GLARINGLY OBVIOUS that someone has gained weight, comment on their hair instead. Tell them they have really shiny hair or maybe a really sweet spirit, instead of going for the GLARINGLY OBVIOUS option by telling them that the badonka donk in their trunk is GLARINGLY AWESOME.

(Just a GLARINGLY OBVIOUS reminder.)

LOVE YOU.

Blurred Boundaries

So I for realsies have this totally uproarious post that I've been planning on writing for the past couple days...
but alas...
I think it'll have to wait.  I am FRIED emotionally and physically.  This chica is spent.

Been busy nannying the P girl and taking C to preschool and workin' hard in therapy and dietary...

So I'll just quickly ask this:
I'm starting to wonder if I'm too nice.  Like I know there's got to be a boundary here somewhere about being a good friend v. giving too much; giving so much that I start to lose touch with who I am.  Sometimes I think I can be a doormat, and I'm pretty used (honestly) to getting taken advantage of...but suddenly, I'm not really okay with that anymore.  I think with recovery, I'm also gaining a sense of myself and grasping that I'm worth more than being walked all over.
This probably doesn't make sense.
But
the boundary here seems blurred...and I'm having a difficult time really negotiating what is okay and appropriate to help out a friend v. what is too much, and when am I being taken advantage of, etc.

Eh?
Eeeeh?
Any ideas?

A Compliment of Meaningful Proportions

So the Almighty T is not one to hand praise out like candy.  When she tells you that you're doing well, or that she's proud of you, it's rare, and thus treasured - because she doesn't say it often; so when she does say it, she means it - and it feels damn good to get that validation.

During group therapy on Thursday I was talking to my gals about the progress I'm making, and about  how being at this higher weight is super scary and super unknown and weird and uncomfortable, but I was telling them that I didn't regret it, you know, gaining weight  - not one little bit, because though my weight gives me anxiety, I'm also happy.  I'm content, and I have time to play Mario v. Bowser with the mini man and play hide and seek with him and clean my house and have real and meaningful conversations with my friends and kiss my husband because I'm not too preoccupied tallying the calories I've consumed that day and what that means for the rest of the day's allotment and am I gaining weight and oh the horror I'm fat and gross blah blah blah.  I don't do that anymore.  I'm fleshing out (pun intended haha) my personality, and my likes and my dislikes and I'm becoming a real freakin' person now - I'm finally figuring out who the H bomb I am.  And it's liberating and scary and exhilarating and I LOVE IT.

So as I was telling my group girls this, and that recovery is HARD but so worth it, and I told them to keep fighting, keep working on getting better, because I can tell you that the grass is greener on the other side - it's practically golden.  :)  And life isn't always perfect and easy, but I can certainly tell you that it's easier to deal with life and the curve balls thrown at you when you are nourished and taking care of yourself - everything is just more manageable and doable. 

I mean, now that I'm here, sittin' in recovery, I wonder why I didn't freaking do this sooner - why didn't I choose this all along?  Because YES recovery is harder than staying sick - getting better and gaining weight and working through your struggles in therapy is so much braver than choosing the eating disorder, but you guys -- YOU GUYS -- I PROMISE you that getting better is so much happier, it's so much easier, and life, who knew, is beautiful and fun and mysterious and exciting.  And I love it.

And as I talked in group about all this, the Almighty T couldn't hide her smile, and she said, "Brie.  Brie, I am so freaking proud of you.  You have no idea how far you've come."

And I looked her right in the eye, and I didn't shrug off the compliment, nope, I didn't.  I took that compliment and I told her THANK YOU and I smiled wide and felt really, really good.  :)

Exercise Update

First off, thanks to all for your oh so amazing suggestions re: exercising.  I did indeed incorporate ALL of them into the assignment I gave to the Almighty T this afternoon, and here's what we came up with:

Running: completely banned.  So, no jogging outside or on the treadmill.  For cardio, I am welcome to use the elliptical machine or the exercise bike.  I am only allowed a max of 30 minutes of cardio, and an hour of exercise total - so I am going to do 30 minutes of cardio (soooo important to build up my lungs!) and then do 30 minutes of toning/weight training.
I'm also going to be going to the gym with the Big Bster so that should help me from getting too weird or OCD and from pushing myself too hard.
I also cannot exercise 2 days in a row - has to be at least every other day.

I'm also going to try some classes at the gym...there are some that have been banned for me, like kick boxing and their "boot camp" class, but I am going to do yoga and pilates and their class that does intervals of weight lifting and cardio.  The classes banned from me are not for ED reasons, but for strictly asthma/lung reasons...

So...I'm all ready to go I'm thinkin', you know, I'm feelin' good about eating extra food to compensate for energy expended, and I'm feeling good about the plan that I came up with to make exercise enjoyable and as non-ED as possible...
but
and there's a big BUT
I still can't exercise.  Yet.
SIGH.
Because I went and saw my allergist today, and even at a healthy weight, my lungs are only functioning at 60% (read: that's BAD.)  So I can't exercise until I get medical clearance from both my allergist and my GP ED doc, and I have to get them saying I can exercise in writing, give that to my T, before she'll be okay with me exercising.  So annoying, and I really want to write more about this - about my visit with the el allergisto today and how it went, etc, because I'm kinda freakin' and I could use some love from you guys.
Just...
Sad to know I've permanently damaged my lungs.  Sad that even after gaining xx lbs, my lungs still don't function that well.  Sad to know that my quality of life will never be as good as it could be.
Oh well.
Tha's life, right?  We take what comes and we learn to live with it and move on.

But
Thanks again to ALL for helping me out with your exercise suggestions...I'm excited to start exercising again (provided I get the okay from my medical peeps who don't think I'll keel over and DIE while sweatin' it out...)

Love you.

Making Exercise an Enjoyable Experience

Heya friendcicles--

So I asked my dietician last week if I could resume exercise – it’s been, oh, 9 months since I’ve been allowed to use my gym membership (and NO I haven't done the math or calculated AT ALL that 24 Hour Fitness has gotten $270 from me FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING). Since I have reached my goal weight, (can I get a resounding HELLS YEAH!) I thought it reasonable that I be allowed to exercise, as long as I ate enough food to compensate for energy expended while at the gym. My dietician said that it was okay with her to resume exercise as long as it was okay with The Almighty T…and I knew that it would be a much harder feat – convincing the T I am ready for the added responsibilities of exercising.

So yesterday during our sesh I asked her, and she said that she had been doing research, and she knew that especially with my asthma and low functioning lungs; (seriously, I'm, like, half-dying all the time) exercise could really help strengthen my lungs and help them function better, and she really thinks exercise could be really great for me. HOWEVER (and that’s a BIG however) she said that she was really concerned because every time I’ve been allowed to exercise in the past, I’ve eventually gone downhill and lost weight and gone into Eating Disorder La La Land, and she was concerned that it would happen again, and she was hesitant because I’ve been doing so well, and she doesn’t want me to lose all the fantastic progress I’ve made.

So she said that before she gives me the green light to perspire it out at the gym, she wants me to write an assignment and talk to her about all the ways in which I used exercise in an unhealthy manner and for my ED in the past, and then what I can do this time to make it different – you know, make it a healthy and positive experience rather than it turning into Gestapo Brie forcing my poor body to run 20 miles on like 300 cals or something equally ludicrous and abusive.

So here’s where you come in:

Do ya’lls have any ideas for me, of ways I could make exercise more fun and less demanding? I have a few ideas…namely, I’m not going to focus so much on cardio, but try to incorporate weight lifting and yoga, etc.

But I know there are plenty of you out there who have been in my position, and I’d love if you shared your ideas and experiences of how you overcame this particular hurdle and made exercise fun and healthy and enjoyable. Ideas or encouragement would be muuuuuuuch appreciated.

Thanks and loves to you all.

How Far I've Come

I was just thinking today how much has changed since I started my blog nearly three years ago.  My hair, my weight, my family, my outlook on life...
So, I thought I'd post some pics from then and now, just to see how far I've come. 

THEN:

NOW:

In some ways it's hard to look at those old pictures, to see how thin I am, but I also look at my current pictures, and I'm glowing!  And I'm happy.  :)  And I may not be a stick-thin supermodel anymore, but I'm still beautiful.  Just beautiful with a little badonka donk in the trunk, right?  ;)

Look at Me, Sittin' in My Victory

SEPTEMBER 2ND:

The deadline has arrived.  I walked into my dietician's office this afternoon totally nervous and anticipatory for the news ahead: would I be fired, or had I reached that elusive goal weight set up for me by my treatment team?

She weighed me.
She said nothing.

I looked at her.
I cleared my throat.
I jiggled my leg.

She looked at me.
"What," she says?
I say, flabbergasted, "It's september 2nd.  HELLLL-OOOOoooooo!"
and she said,
"Oh.  Oh yeah!"

"WELL?" I practically scream.
She smiles.  She smiles really big.
"You did it.  Congratulations!"

The best 4 words I've ever heard.  EVER.
This girl is happy.  :D
This girl did it.  This girl did it when she didn't think she could, gaining xx lbs (haha sorry Shell!) was not easy.
I proved to my team and to myself
that
I
can
do
anything.
And that feels really,
really good. :)