Friday, April 22, 2011

Restroom Ramblings

We’re close enough, aren’t we, that I can hash out some of my bathroom issues with you, right? (Although I think I’ve done this before. Hrrrm.)

So I’m not weird or OCD or anything about bathrooms or germs, but I HATE public bathrooms. I’ll avoid them at all costs, though now that I’m pregnant and pee on an average every 43.59 minutes, that has had to drastically change. The first stall on the right at work and I have become suuuper tight. I’m in there all the time. So, imagine to my surprise the other day, when I went into the bathroom at work, and was immediately assaulted with this sign:

Now, I’ve thought about this sign A LOT. And I can’t figure out why it’s up. WHY does it matter if one is talking on the phone while using the bathroom? I mean, somebody may be on their break, and peeing while talking is kind of like hitting two birds with one stone, right? And I’m scratching my head, because hearing someone chat on the phone is like the least offensive noise I hear in the bathroom, like, ever. I’d much rather see a sign in the bathroom that says:

I mean, isn’t talking on your cell phone like a BASIC HUMAN RIGHT – as basic, I daresay, as doing a #1 or #2? I just don’t get it. And I pay no heed to it – if my cell phone rings while doing my business, then by the bathroom gods I SWEAR I’ll answer it without the least bit of shame! I wonder if I’ll have to pull a Rosa Parks one day and STAND UP FOR MY RIGHTS?? I say we all unite and talk while using the restroom as much as possible, just to show building management who’s boss. I think we might have a mutiny on our hands!

And another thing:
I find that talking to others while you’re both using the bathroom is awkward. Like, if you’re in a stall next door to someone, and you know who they are because perhaps you walk in at the same time or something – isn’t chatting with them while you’re both going a little awkward? If it were up to me, I’d zip my lips, do my thang, and get out of there as soon as possible. Especially just because it’s embarrassing to ignore THE SOUNDS that someone that you otherwise have only a strictly business relationship, or maybe you're only acquaintances, is making.  It just feels a little too personal, doesn't it?

This morning I had therapy. After our sesh, I desperately had to pee. So I begrudgingly went into the restrooms there, though I HATE the bathrooms at my T’s office – that’s another post for another day – and try to avoid them as much as possible; but like I’ve said, now that I’m preggers, I can’t just hold it like I used to, because I swear, I WILL PEE MY PANTS. It’s already happened. Twice.

So I’m, like, tinkling, and suddenly I HEAR MY THERAPIST’S VOICE. And she makes some remark about how she knows I must have to pee reallllly bad if I’m actually deigning to use the restrooms at her office. And I’m nervous because now we’re both peeing and trying to casually chat over the splashies and tinkles. IT WAS TERRIBLE. I think our next therapy session needs to be solely focused on the trauma that resulted from that experience. And you think I’m kidding.

So am I just weird? Or do you guys get it?
Ah, I better go. I’ve got to, you know, use the bathroom.
And I'm not even kidding.  Wish me luck!


Sia Jane said...

Public bathrooms + me = NOOOOOOO
But, given I have the smallest bladder imaginable and that I drink stupid amounts because I am always thirsty (medication) I have to close my eyes and hold my nose, and hover.
I HATE them :(

And I am glad I am not the only one who enjoys a quick wee and a two minute catch up on their phone during breaks :p

brie said...

sia - i LOVE that you said you had to "hover." i was lmao'ing! i totally get it! :)

Cammy said...

I went to Catholic school for a few years as a kid, and it always REALLY freaked me out to hear nuns peeing in the stalls nearby, I was never sure if I should make the sign of the cross or something when they finished...

Cammy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.

Yuck! I think you should tell W. that she owes you a free sess. so that you can talk about the trauma of having to "pee with her" while talking. Yuck! That's why I will stick to male therapists. It will be a cold day in hell when my male therapist and I have to pee together, at the same time, in the same restroom [area].

Sarah said...

I hate to be the party pooper (no pun intended!), its a known fact that cell phones carry the most germs. I'm pretty sure that's not why the signs there, but cell phones gross me out the most (mostly other peoples), as well as public bathrooms. So they especially don't mix. I also worked at a retail cell phone store for 2 years-and have seen my share of other peoples cell phones and having to hear where they've been. So the idea of touching a cell phone while peeing FREAKS me out. I always wash my hands after I use my cell if I'm gonna use the bathroom or shower.

Kerri said...

She talked to you while you were both peeing?? Oh the agony! Seriously- I have bathroom issues too. I cannot STAND to have anyone hear me pee, not even my own family. Right now i am home completely alone and I still have to lock the door and run the fan or water while I pee, just IN CASE someone, somehow, enters my house while I am on the toilet. Now, if my therapist starting chatting with me while I attempted to deal with having to use a public loo, I would probably freak. Anywho, definitely agree with you on the cell phone note... completely odd that one.

Shannon said...

Oh my heavens, this post made me LOL! Mainly because I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN! Im no germ-o-phobe or anything, but I HATE IT when people can hear me doing my business. Especially #2. I especially hated it that poop smells. Seriously. If you can hear me and then SMELL IT, I might as well just DIE on the spot.

Oh my, did I just reveal too much? *cough*

Kerri said...

Brie, I found this and thought of you... and your bulimic kitty. :P

rachel ramsay said...

pee air can get on things you bring with you to the bathroom!

Penny said...

Totally loved having a reason to laugh today. You can take anything and make us laugh. Maybe you should submit your blogs to a talent agency for writers who write for comedians.