It's a New Day

I did it.  As of Thursday morning, I passed the point in this pregnancy where I lost Kendall.  I am officially farther than I was when I lost her.  But, even knowing this, I didn't feel better.  I still felt miserable in my anxiety, waiting with bated breath for the time when I'd recieve the devastating news that Little A was gone.

Isn't that a terrible way to live?  To morbidly await the time you will hear that your child is no longer with you?

But then, in group on Thursday night, and in therapy the next morning, I learned something.  I learned that I have perhaps compared this pregnancy to Kendall's pregnancy to the extreme - to the utmost detriment to myself and Baby A.  For example, when I felt this baby moving, I'd think about at what point in my pregnancy I felt Kendall moving.  I compared my weight gain to Kendall's pregnancy.  I compared my morning sickness, etc.  Get it?  Everything, still, was about Kendall.

But, as hard as this is for me to say, this isn't about Kendall.  Holy crap, just saying that makes me ache.  I love Kendall, but I have to let her go (but always remember and honor and love her) because this pregnancy doesn't belong to her.  It belongs to my second daughter, Avery Jane.  And she is fine.  She is healthy and beautiful and strong and it's time for me to stop awaiting Doomsday and thank God for my pregnancy and relish every moment of it.

So, it's a new day.  It's time for me to take a deep breath and enjoy this pregnancy.  I'm ready.

Blogxygen Misinterpreted

I’m a little troubled. I just got out of therapy with the T, and we were discussing my writing. My blog somehow came up, and she asked me if my blog was pro-recovery or pro-ana. I was surprised she’d even ask, and told her that it was a pro-recovery blog, but that recently, it was more of a I’m-pregnant-and-miserable blog. She said that she had heard (from who? I don’t know.) that my blog “glorified the eating disorder.”

I’m floored.
Above all else, I have tried to demonstrate time and time again that I think my life is more rich and beautiful without the eating disorder. I have documented my struggles, yes, but I feel that I have always tried to do so in a way that demonstrated that I was trying to get rid of the ED, and that I absolutely, irrevocably, DID NOT condone it.

Have I not done this?
Do people come to my blog for pro-ana material?
Do I glorify anorexia in any way?

These questions lead me to wonder if I should make it private, or take it down altogether, so that people cannot make hurtful assumptions, or worse – read my blog because it triggers them; keeps them hanging on to their eating disorder.

I honestly…I’m stymied. And a little hurt. I’ve never wanted to “glorify” anything but that life is good and breathtaking when letting the eating disorder go, and learning about the mystery and spontaneity and absolute wonder that life can be when not tied down with an addiction . Yes I have deeply struggled, but I thought there was beauty and honesty in sharing it and what I learned from it.
Maybe I was wrong. I don’t even know anymore.

What should I do?

Why I love ya.

My Batman.

One of the most endearing things Cade does these days is that he apparently hasn't yet figured out how to use the word 'because,' and instead interchanges it with the word 'why.'  He is incredibly advanced with his vocabulary, can put on his own shoes, and even knows left from right, but for some reason, he can't quite grasp this one small part of his language skills.

But I don't mind.  In fact, I love it, because it means that my almost 5 year old isn't quite growing up so fast.  It seems every day he just gets bigger and bigger, and I think, Where is my baby going?

For example, I'll say something like,
"Cade, why didn't you pick up the toys in your room?"
And he'll say,
"Why I was too busy playin' Batman, Mommy."

But my favorite?
"Awww, Cade, thanks for the hug.  What was that for?"
"Why I love ya!"  And then he'll give me a big hug, and kiss my tummy and Baby A for good measure, too.

It's now because a common phrase in our house.  We throw around "Why I love ya!" as often as we can.  This evening, Bran wanted to go golfing with his brothers and dad, but knew I wouldn't be too keen on the idea, seeing has he'd been gone at work all day and I'd had Lil C all day by my onesies.  But I kissed him, told him to go have fun golfing, and I said I was letting him, only because "why I love ya."

And I do.  I love my family.

20 Weeks

I'm 20 weeks!  That means I'm half-way through this pregnancy!  It's all downhill from here!  If a pregnancy only lasted a week, I'd be on Hump Day! 

Here's beautiful Baby A giving you a stunning profile shot.  Doesn't she have my cheekbones?  ;)  I got my big mid-pregnancy ultrasound done today, and she looks perfect.  She's measuring exactly on track, and her heart and all her organs looked like they were functioning and forming perfectly.  Phew!

And, here I am at 20 weeks pregnant.  I'm so sorry I look so ugly.  You see, not only had I just woken up from a marathon nap, but I'd cried off all my makeup in therapy earlier that day, and really, looking okay today was a losing battle.  I thought about trying to hide my mug by super-imposing a sugar cookie with pink frosting over my face, because let's face it, it's not just my face that needs help, but my hair too (PLUS SUGAR COOKIES ARE DELICIOUS).  But seeing me a la natural you unfortunately get.  SO TAKE IT.

:)

First Purchase Excitement

So excited; we just bought our first big purchase for Baby A.  I had my eye on this carseat/stroller combo, but didn't think we'd buy it, because it was mucho expensivo.  (But the yellow is so me, and I was coveting it.)  Hubs surprised me today by announcing we could get it, and just having its presence in my house makes me so excited for the arrival of the little one.  Also, isn't it gender neutral enough that if we ever have a boy, we could use it?

PS I don't know if this is a pregnancy thing, or a I've-already-had-a-baby thing, or maybe just a Brie-is-weird thing, but I just sneezed and full-on pissed my pants.  Not even kidding.

A Vacation from the Anxiety

Things around here have been quietly chaotic. I have been dealing with the aforementioned anxiety, and let me tell you, severe anxiety is a full-time, never-get-any-PTO-or-breaks-or-benefits job. To sum it up in a word, it has been, really and truly, TERRIBLE.

But I’m surviving. And more importantly, so is Baby Girl.
Luckily, I have an amazing support team that is helping me get through this time. While girlfriend over here isn’t that great at asking for help and admitting something is wrong, I am getting better about talking to friends and family and Husband and Therapist when I need to, and saying, Hey, I’m having a cardiac arrest over here, can you remind me that life doesn’t suck and that my baby is okay and that I’m not fat and that the world isn’t going to end in about 3 seconds? And, because they love me, they come to my rescue and proverbially hold my hand while I try to wade through the muck that is my life and this pregnancy. So I’m lucky to have them. I really am.

And, not everything as of late has been terrible. Husband and I are leaving in less than two weeks to go on a much needed vacation; just the two of us. We’re leaving the last week of March for Vegas to go to some shows and hang out by the pool and do some fabulous shopping and walk the strip and maybe gamble a little. Big B has never been to Vegas before, so I’m excited to show him around. I mean, I can’t imagine WHY a good Mormon boy has never been to Vegas, but whatever.

After our stay in Vegas, we are heading to Long Beach and boarding a cruise ship to sail to lovely MeHEECo! Yahoo! While I have been lucky enough to go on several tropical vacations, I have never yet been on a cruise. Honestly? While in the throes of my ED, boarding a ship and being around buffets and unlimited food did not appeal to me. Now, none of that matters; I’m just truly hoping they have sugar cookies with pink frosting, because I ASSURE YOU, I will be asking for one at 3 am. I also asked Husband if, while on the ship, we could role play and play Titanic, but he said NO, and that if I tried, he’d throw me off the ship. I’LL NEVER LET GO, JACK.

And, because I thought this picture was adorable, here is me and Cade, reading a bed-time story last night. I love that kid so much.

KISSES.

I can't control myself--

They're so adorable.  Scream!

“But Lord please please please take away my anxiety.”

I saw my obstetrician this morning. Everything is fine. Baby is growing and thriving.
But I still cried anyway.
A lot.
It was kind of embarrassing to be wiping snot and tears away in front of my OB, but I figure if she’s seen flabby vaginas, she’s seen worse.

My anxiety literally feels like it’s getting to a point where it might be out of control. I’m approaching the time period in this pregnancy where I lost Kendall at the same point, and my anxiety about that has sky-rocketed. I cry daily. I worry. I hyperventilate. I try to sleep it off. I’m grouchy. I’m irritable. I’m quiet and withdrawn. I seriously wish that I could just put myself in a coma for the next few weeks and wake up after 21 weeks. This morning my doctor suggested I come in every week for now (as opposed to every other week) so that I can get an ultrasound and be reassured that Baby Girl is growing and has a strong heartbeat, and I gratefully took her up on her offer. I hope the more frequent check-ups on Baby will help put my mind at ease.

I’m also incredibly stressed about my weight. This is yet another reason that I cry and panic daily. I feel like I am gaining weight at an alarming rate, and though I knew that of course I would gain weight in this pregnancy, I was not prepared for how quickly I would gain it. Even though I am absolutely eating and following my mealplan, I will admit to you that I have never felt as “anorexic” in my thoughts as I do now…probably in years and years. I am so preoccupied with my body, my size. I’m embarrassed to go out in public because of how big I think I am. Every week when the number on the scale goes up more than I have deemed “acceptable,” I lose it. I just lose it you guys. So, obviously, I’ve decided that right away, weighing myself needs to stop. Also, I talked to my OB today about making sure I get on the scale backward, and having them not mention my weight to me unless it’s getting out of control or something. She agreed that was a smart move. I am hoping that not knowing my number can help with the anxiety as well.

And, in telling you all of my anxieties, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I am incredibly thrilled to be carrying my sweet little girl. I can’t wait to hold her in my arms in 5 months time and marvel at her beauty and perfection and her squishy little thighs. But, unfortunately, none of that takes away my fears. I dislike being pregnant. It wreaks havoc on me physically and emotionally. I know it’ll be worth it, and that’s how I make it through my days, but in the interim, this girl is really struggling.