Lots of Loss

Hi, all.  I've been away.  Been a very long month full of lots of changes and ups and downs and losses and just figuring out how to cope.  I know that I only posted once in September, and that's like a record all time low for me.  How you all must have been in Cute Mila Picture Withdrawal!  Sorry I cannot appease your appetite today; I'm kinda busy and stressed and not much in a picture posting mode.  But I will try to get some pictures of the kids up soon.

Lots of Loss this month.  Lost my treatment team.  More on that later, but it was my choice, and I feel okay about it, and I think ultimately it'll be good.  But it's been an adjustment.

Lost a baby.  Wasn't very far along, but miscarriage is tough.  There's no getting around it.

Also just found out that I have a degenerative eye disorder called Keratoconus.  When I found this out I just cried and cried.  It is a disease that can never be corrected with glasses, contacts, or lasik surgery.  At some point I will need surgery, most likely corneal transplants.  Even with glasses or contacts, I will never be able to see better than 20/40 or 20/50, which barely makes me legal to drive.  And, it's degenerative, so it'll most likely get worse.  To think that my vision is always going to be severely blurred, even with glasses or contacts, for the rest of my life...devastates me.  Maybe it sounds stupid or petty, but it scares me and makes me awfully sad. And, the fact it could get worse...that scares me too.  Most never have to worry about losing their vision, and while I won't go blind, if I get to a point where I can't even see well enough to legally drive, well, that's pretty bad.  Even now, when wearing glasses or contacts, I squint.  I just can't see.  And to find out this news, well, it was devastating.  But I am going to make an appointment at the state's most prestigious eye center with a well-known doc who specializes in this, and hopefully get on the list for a corneal transplant.  They caught the disease quite late; I've had a lot of trouble for a long time but just didn't know why I couldn't see; I assumed the optometrist who last did an eye exam just didn't give me the right prescription.  He wasn't very competent and didn't catch this, which frustrates me.  I could have found this out a lot earlier had people known where and how to look for it.  It's not very common, which I think is why people thought I had extreme astigmatism and not Keratoconus.

So, that's been my month.  Lots of loss.

But I'm not as sad as you would think.  I am okay.  Please know that I am okay.