Wednesday, May 26, 2010

If I Could, I Would I Would I Would

If I could somehow chuck financial obligations, time, and practicalities into the garbage, I would…

FINISH COLLEGE. 25 is the new high school graduate; it’s not too late yo. I’d dazzle my professors with my writing skillzz and my mediocre math abilities. I’d figure out finally how to multiply fourth grade fractions. (Do you multiply straight across or go kitty corner?) I’d pursue publishing and edit the shiz out of some future NY Times Bestsellers…after writing my own, of course…

HIRE AN IN-HOUSE DIETICIAN/CHEF. Most would hire their own personal chef to cook scrumptious healthy meals a la Biggest Loser Style, but I’d go the exact opposite and make sure I was getting plenty of maple donuts and taquitos. One thing I’m learning as I’m maintaining a healthy weight (according to BMI charts) is that Big Brie has to eat BIG amounts, and I’d like to have a personal dietish keeping me on my toes – unless I gain too much weight and being on my toes would break them under the weight of my cankles. Or something.

GET A POOL. Every summer I seriously spend (hold on lemme do the math – if I can) about $500 on admission to the pool, new swimsuits, Diet Coke and maple donuts and chocolate licorice and taquitos and Vitamin Water and pool toys and beach towels and flip flops and electric razors and pedicures. All of that to tan my bulbous bod in public. Wouldn’t it be much better to do so in private? That way I could get some rest from sucking in the tum tum (but really it works my core so holler for that) and I wouldn’t have to be paranoid C was peeing in the pool water because REALLY we know everyone does and a little piss and chlorine never hurt anyone right? Also I think having my own pool would make me cool. I am no longer in jr. high but the latter sentence is FACTUAL anyway. So, moral of the story: invest in a pool and invest in, like, MY HAPPINESS AND EMOTIONAL FORTITUDE IN A BATHING SUIT.

PROCURE AN IPAD. What would I do with it you ask? Use it as a coaster! Paint my nails on it! Use it is a backscratcher! See if it sinks or floats! Because, after all, what else would you do with it? (seriously.)

Ah, me. …Time to come back to reality and eat my banana and 10 pretzels for afternoon snack. But sometimes it does the mind good to dream the impossible dream, to carpe a little diem, you know? What would thou doest, my hizumble readers, if you had all the money and time in the world? Make a statue in your honor? (I would out of rock hard hotness!) Buy the patent to, like, lamps? Patronize the arts or inner city thugs? What a fun fixer upper project that would be!

Do gush forth. Leave a comment accordingly.


jenny said...

i want an ipad too-! and a pool would be amazing.. =) my friends have a pool that has a current so you can full on swim in it. it's great-! glad to see you back in the blogging world-!

t. said...

theoretically, i would enjoy owning a pool. however, i am also lazy when it comes to cleaning yucky stuff. so my pool would probably quickly become green with slimy gunk. if only i could throw a ton of algae eating fish into a chlorinated pool and not have it turn out badly. or i could get a pool boy. or pool man. or woman. i'm not picky. as long as they clean my pool. and don't break my crap and call me by a man's name like a certain housekeeper who shall remain nameless. even though her name is totally anna.

if i had all the money and time in the world, i'd be a nomad. traveling from one place to another. the pages of my passport would be crammed with all sorts of cool stamps.

dietcolagirl said...

i wish it got warm enough for a pool here! I'd freeze MY tush off and it would collect more dirt n leaves than anything, lol.

tia @ Dietcolagirl

CG said...

I am so glad you're back!! I LOVE this blog.

If I had loads of dough, I would pay back my $30,000 of student loans in one go. That rhymes.

Eating Alone said...

Pool? They are a pain just go to the beach. OH yeah middle of the country that's out for you. I LOVE FLORIDA! But I will need a place to stay when the hurricanes come.

Heather Lindquist said...

If I had enough money to do absolutely anything, I'd first pay back all my student loans (so, you know, I'd feel somewhat like a responsible grown-up), buy myself a new wardrobe, take a vacation somewhere with snow, and then pay someone to come clean out my cat's litter box every day.

Cammy said...

You know I have to make a comment about the freezing conditions in SLC, how many months out of the year is pool season? Although I bet there's an iPad app to calculate it... ;)

So someday when you're a bigshot poolside editor/publisher, you're going to be kind to my first novel, right right?

And by the way you are SO right about college, there's no time too late and people take breaks between degrees all the time. My mom finished her bachelor's when she was 26 and just went back for postgrad work at the age of 46. Also, I am technically "on track" age-wise (meaning no gap years) and I was the YOUNGEST grad student in my department last year, no stigma for people who've done other things with their life betwixt years of classes.

You can do it! <3

ksgirl said...

If I had the time, money, and no other responsibilities I would:

1) Buy some big old cool looking car with a bench front seat. (Like a Charger or a Gran Torino.)

2) Get a cool tattoo on my upper left arm (design yet to be determined).

3) Buy some expensive, kick-ass awesome cowboy boots.

4) Put on Levis, a tank top, my belt with the big sterling buckle, the expensive cowboy boots, get on Route 66 in Oklahoma and drive the big car across the Southwest with the windows open and my bad-ass tattoo displayed 'cuz I have my left elbow on the ledge of the open car window.

Stevie said...

If I had TONS of money, I would have homes in Vancouver, Toronto, and London, travel a lot, and buy my own theatre. :)

Krista said...

So here is the answer to your fourth grade math problem straight from a fourth grade teacher- multiply fractions straight across. Only multiply kitty corner (aka cross multiply) if you want to find out if two fractions are equal or want to compare the two. For once I can sound smart when talking about mathematics! Too bad it's only on an elementary school level.

I just want money to pay my debt and maybe by me buy me something small... you know like a new house or something :)

P.S. How is Brandon liking the new job?

belinda said...

If i could i would....

buy a house big enough for all my stuff, my cats and a dog to live in and be comfortable. preferably with a tennis court (grass of course!) and a pool :p

i would work up the courage to go to college and get some degrees or something?? because i want to make a difference, really i want to save the world but i can try doing that on a smaller scale (i guess).

oh, and Brie, i am loving the new blog :) good for you hon. Xx

Devon said...

Pretty sure I'd pay back all the shitty moolah I'm about to owe for grad school. Lamers.

I would also spend gross amounts of money at Anthropologie...and my own apartment...and decor...and...perhaps a slip-n-slide.

I'd also like...stop the war that's about to go down in both of the Koreas...I'm pretty sure that if they ate carrot cake and became..not Koreas (fo shizzle - change the name of one so they're not the same). I might stop all those snazzy drug cartels down in our neighbors to the south.

I could go for the chef too...for I also hate the cookage.

I'd buy everyone in the whole wide world helmets. Because, let's be honest...that shiz is important.

K...done with the money for now. There's always more to play with in this hypothetical world, right?

Sarah said...

I would have kiddies, build a pool, live in a big house on the water, work part time doing something that I loved, and spend LOTS of time and money traveling (both for pleasure and making a difference.) Also, I'd buy a new car and LOTS of sundresses!!