Friday, March 22, 2013
Last night in group, the T basically said that talking about pregnancy while one has an eating disorder was like the "big pink elephant" in the room that no one was talking about. Obviously, she was referencing me, but why that elephant was pink, I don't know...
So I was a little startled and caught off guard, because I had no idea that group was going to be all about me. She was really nice (which is rare for her, ha!) but basically said that she knew my intentions were good, and she knew I was trying really hard, but she said she still saw parts of my eating disorder leaking through despite the pregnancy, and she thought I was in pretty heavy denial, and it really scared her, because while pregnant, I just don't really have a lot of room for trial and error.
Pic: I snapped this picture this morning, all pissy I had to drive in the FREAKING SNOW ON MARCH 22ND. IT IS SPRING STUPID EARTH, GIVE ME SOME FLOWERS AND SUNSHINE!
If you hooked me up to a polygraph, and asked me if I was engaging in my eating disorder at this time, I would say absolutely NO, and I would pass that test with flying colors. So I was a little...agog. Surprised. Unsure of how to respond. I mean, how do you tell someone you're not in denial, while actually not sounding like you're even more in denial? So I basically carefully responded by saying that I was very confused, and a little frustrated, because I didn't understand how I could be engaging in my eating disorder (so, restricting) when I'm following my meal plan, which is really high, since I'm on weight gain.
Pic: my baby belly, ripening nicely...
But, I was pretty much told that I am not gaining fast enough for how far along in my pregnancy that I am, and because I started this pregnancy underweight, I have to gain 35-45 lbs, as opposed to the 25ish that is recommended for a person of normal weight when getting pregnant. So, to hit the 40ish lb mark, I need to be gaining more quickly than I am.
Which, okay, I get that, and I can do that, but it isn't as easy as snapping my fingers and getting the pounds magically on. I am eating a crap load, and still not gaining super fast. My metabolism is super fast, and I'm pregnant, so lots is going to the baby...so I'm just...I'm not an Olympic Weight Gainer. But I am trying!
So the take home message I basically got last night was that I was recognized for how hard I'm trying, but that I need to be doing more. I can do that. I wouldn't EVER do anything to intentionally put the baby in any sort of jeopardy. I know that having an eating disorder while pregnant is not ideal, and I can tell you from experience many times over that it is HARD. Like, harder than hell, harder than I'll ever be able to put into words. And, some women choose to not go that route, and I respect that. But, for me, becoming a mother has been the greatest blessing in my life and brought me the most beautiful kind of joy, and I believe that getting pregnant, despite the eating disorder, and choosing to kick it in the ass to take care of my baby is my calling. I derive no greater joy in life than nurturing my children. So, to have this opportunity to bring a new little chica or baby man into this world leaves me speechless with gratitude. So, whatever I have to go through to get my baby here, I will do it. Yes, yes, a million times, yes. Little Baby, you are worth it. ♥
Pic: Cade lookin too cool fo' school. Hopefully all that dirt and weeds you see will soon be lush and fertile with grass and shrubbery! We are hoping to put our yard in soon, but that is a whole other post for another day...
In other baby news, we are hopefully finding out pretty soon here if it is a boy or a girl. I still wholeheartedly think it is a girl, but will be pleasantly surprised if it's a boy. Either way I am happy. I am having fun thinking of names, but I don't want to post anything on here yet, until I feel more sure.
I also bought a fetal doppler to be able to listen to the baby's heart beat whenever I so desire, (so, like 457 times a day) and it came in the mail today and I got so happy listening to that little heart rate of 175 thumping away. It was so thrilling, and relieving, and calming, and exciting...the $$ was so worth it for the peace of mind!
Pic: I give you last, but not least, my giant Bobbi-licious melting down the stairs. I love how she has to anchor herself with her left paw, because I think if she wasn't, she's so top heavy that she'd tumble head first down the stairs. :)
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