The Bloodiest Update Ever

Heya.

Here's a little update on what's been happening for us this month:

I'm doing much better, generally.  In good spirits and kind of just plugging my way along.  I quit my job, because it was a 45 minute drive away once we moved, and it just wasn't worth it - the gas $$ was too expensive - and while I miss the girls I worked with, I'm actually really glad to just be at home, chillin with my kids.  No more having to drive to SLC during rush hour - yucko to the max.  I think one of the reasons I don't blog much anymore is because I really and truly don't have much to say anymore.  When I used to blog daily, I had a job, and I had treatment, and I just had all this...stuff...to talk about and relate to you all with.  But now, no treatment, no job.  I have my kids and my family and they are the center of my world, but outside that, I honestly don't do much else.  I mean, do you really want to hear every day about how I did the dishes and watched a couple episodes of "Criminal Minds?"  I don't go anywhere anymore, usually.  I take Cade to school and pick him up, and occasionally an errand or two will be thrown in there, but for the most part, I just stay home.  Because I have so much extra time, I am reading a TON of books.  If you want any recommendations, let me know!  (Or see the GoodReads sidebar on my blog.)

Anyway, I am kind of turning a bit into a recluse.  I don't know if that's good or bad - just the way it is right now.  I am sllloooowwwwwllllly making a few friends and connections in my new neighborhood and ward, but stuff like that takes time, especially with an introvert like me - it's hard to inject myself into someone's life and become their friend.  I do feel a bit lonely sometimes, but not often.  I have my kids and I have my husband and kitties and I have my books and I am mostly just fine.

My eyes suck.  On top of Keratoconus it is likely that I also have Glaucoma.  Major eye surgeries on my horizon, I am just waiting until we have better insurance coverage to deal with all this crap.  Kind of putting it off because it scares me and when I don't deal with it I can pretend it isn't a big deal

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Brandon is good - happier than I've ever seen him.  And, great news - he just got a new job.  I know, right, ANOTHER new job?  But this one was different; it kind of just fell into his lap, and he wasn't even really looking for a new job!  It is still in Lehi, but at a different software company, but this time he'll be managing an entire department, so I'm super proud of him.  It is a pay raise, which is awesome, but what's even better - a change in insurance!  The current insurance we have is MUCHO EXPENSIVO and also MUCHO SUCKY.  They fight us on EVERYTHING and never want to pay anything.  This new insurance we'll be getting with the new job is one we've had before - it is excellent coverage, and in our experience, they were great about paying for things and not putting up a fit about it.  So, I'm waiting for the change in insurance to deal with my eyes, because ultimately it'll be much cheaper for me to do so.  Anyway, I am proud of my babe.  He is a hard worker and a good man and on top of that he's super handsome and NOT a serial killer!  How did I get so lucky??

Cade is doing great in Kindergarten this year and thriving.  He seems so much more relaxed and happy about going to school than he did last year.  He seems to be keeping up with the work just fine and actually enjoys going to school.  This is a huge relief for me.  Next step: getting him to dare to ride the bus.  This is super scary for him, but I'm hoping that we can work our way up to that.

Mila is 15 months and one hell of a kid.  I love her so much and I can't believe how sweet and silly she is.  She has one tooth (finally!) but it has only just barely popped through her gums, and hasn't come in all the way yet.  Her gums are swollen, so I think the others will be coming in soon, but so far, she is still (mostly) toothless.  I find this baffling.  I can't believe a 15 monther can go so long with out teeth.  I'm half convinced that's why she's so skinny - because she can't eat as much as she wants, with no freakin teeth!  I bet when they come in she'll gain 5 pounds, and I will be one happy mama and delight in her chunky thighs!!  :)

Wanna hear a gross story?  It actually happened today, and is kind of blog-worthy, just because it's so insane and nastified:

So, Cade and Mila and I are in the car today, driving to Brandon's work to meet him for lunch.  When we were about a mile from his work, Cade yelled from the backseat that he had a bloody nose.  I barely glanced to look in my rearview mirror; I mean I was driving, but also, how much harm can a little bloody nose be, anyway, right?  So I reach into the glove compartment and hand him a couple napkins, and I tell him to hold them tight to his nose and keep driving.  About a minute later, Cade starts screaming.  I look back and there is blood everywhere...all on his hands and face and dripping down him and the napkins I gave him are completely soaked through.  So I swerve to the side of the road and pull over, grab some more napkins, and jump in the backseat with Cade.  I look at his nose, and blood is POURING out of it.  Like, GUSHING.  I have never ever in my entire life witnessed a bloody nose like this.  It was freaking me out, but I was trying to stay calm so that I didn't freak Cade out even more - he was already hysterical, but I was frantically mopping up blood while trying to keep him calm.  I had blood all over me.  It was insane.  I finally thought the blood flow was slowing a little bit, so I got back in my car and got to Brandon's work as fast as I could.  When we got close, Cade started screaming again and there was blood everywhere again.  I called Brandon, told him to get out here, and then got back in the backseat and tried to help him.  Blood was coming out of his mouth and his teeth were completely red and he was choking on the blood.  It sounds insane, but I was honestly worried about blood loss - that is how much blood was coming out.  Huge 3 and 4 inch clots we coming out of his nose and mouth and I started to really panic.  Brandon came running out and saw what was happening, then ran back into the building into the bathroom and grabbed an entire roll of toilet paper, then came running back out.  He got into the backseat, while I simultaneously started to drive to an instacare and also called the triage nurse at our pediatrician's office.  She told us that it was probably nothing to worry about (WHAT???!!!) and that he needed to get all the clots out.  So Brandon is in the backseat holding a bag over his nose while blood gushes out of him, and he's choking on blood and spitting it out, and finally he just puked blood everywhere, and all these clots he had swallowed came out.  And Brandon was pulling huge clots from his nose.  But after the pukage and all the clots seemed to come out, the bleeding stopped almost immediately.  Meanwhile, we're parked at the instacare, covered in blood, and we're like, WTF just happened??  The instacare was nice enough to let us use their bathroom to clean up; poor Cade was covered in blood.  But now he seems fine.  I made him drink a Boost and am making him drink lots of fluid and am having him keep eating to make sure he doesn't get low blood sugar etc.  The nurse said 9 times out of 10 something like this is okay and normal, and not to worry...but...seriously?  I've never seen anything like that in my life.  I've had plenty of bloody noses in my life, and I have never puked up blood and clots and literally been choking on my own blood because it was gushing out so fast.  I mean, right?  Geez.

Just glad he is okay, I guess.  We'll keep an eye on it.  If it happens again, I'll take him to the doc immediately.

Okay, gross story over with!

Hope everyone has a great and safe Halloween.  We are taking the kids trick-or-treating, then heading to a friend's house in SLC for a little par-tay.  Should be fun!!

Be well, friends.  And please, don't get a bloody nose.  :)

So Much to Say Today

Hello friends!

I know I have sucked up the Blogosphere lately.  Honestly, since we've moved, things have just been insane for me.  Who gets diagnosed with a degenerative eye disease, has a miscarriage, loses their treatment team, has their best friend move to a different state, AND has a kid who still refuses to grow teeth, all in like the space of FIVE weeks?  I mean seriously!

So, this post is going to be long.  And I'm putting a few random pictures here and there in here that I've taken over the last day or two.

Photo - Cade and Mila had so much fun at Airborne the other day.  And they love each other so much - makes me Mama heart happy.

So, I'm not going to lie.  Things have been rough.  The depression and anxiety has kind of been kicking my butt, but I am really proud to say that I am getting through it.  I wake up every morning and feed myself and the kids before carting Cade off to school.  Then Mila follows me around the house while I do laundry and make the beds and do the dishes and clean.  Then I usually try to have a little down time and watch some TV, or read a book; just something to help me relax and chill a little bit.  After lunch when Mila naps, I will admit that I have kind of been napping a lot too.  And I'm not sure if that's good or bad - to sleep like, every day, but that's more or less been the norm for awhile.  I think sleep is a way that I use to escape the sad/crappy stuff in my life.  But over the last week or so, I have been using the time that Mila naps to read or spend some extra time with Cade or even just have some de-stress time loving on my kitties.  That, I think, is a little bit better than just sleeping my anxiety away.  I think?

But, things really are starting to get better, and I want you all to know that.  I feel happy now when I wake up, instead of dreading the day and waking up to a perma headache the size of Detroit that is brought on by depression and fatigue.  I smile more.  I love on my kids more, because having this miscarriage really reminded me how blessed I am to have them, and how incredibly precious they are.

Photo - Enjoying a beautiful fall afternoon with my little sidekick. 

One thing that has been good AND bad for me since moving into the new house is that I'm cooking more.  I HATE to cook.  I LOATHE it.  I ABHOR it.  Are there any more ways to say how much I cannot stand cooking?  For some reason, eating food that I've cooked vs. food that someone else has cooked for me is so much harder.  It tastes off to me.  It tastes gross.  I get grossed out.  Brandon reminds me almost nightly as I'm gagging down the food I've prepared that I am definitely my harshest critic, and that the food I made tastes fine.  But...it doesn't to me.  Has anyone else ever experienced this?  Is this an ED thing I'm not aware of?  I mean, I've usually heard the opposite when it comes to people with ED's - that they LOVE cooking.  But it gives me all sorts of shivers and eebie jeebies.  I know it is good that I am cooking and learning and doing this, but I am NOT enjoying it.  Though, I am enjoying baking!  Krista, I make at least one pan of those peanut butter bars every week!  That recipe you gave me is amazing.  :)

I'm honestly not sure what direction I want to go with my blog.  There is a part of me that wants to blog more often, but there is also a part of me that is much more reserved and cautious about my privacy and the privacy of my family.  I never wrote about this on my blog, but I was exploited and hurt badly by a "friend" and it got really messy and freaky.  Hence the whole going private thing.  But since that has happened...I have learned first-hand that there are mean and downright HATEFUL people out there that only want to hurt you and embarrass you and air your deepest secrets that you trusted them with out like dirty laundry for the entire FREAKING WORLD to read.  And so now...I'm scared.  To put it very simply.  Quite scared.

Photo - my new glasses!  They are quite trendy right now, which basically means they're cute now, but in 15 years I'll look back at this picture and shriek in horror.  I still stare at pictures of my mom in her glasses back when I was like five, and I'm like, MOM WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??  I can feel this is going to happen!  But nonetheless, I am happy to have them.  I can see a bit better in them - about 20/40 in one eye, and 20/50 in the other.  Not great, but they'll work until I see the eye specialist and get on the list for corneal transplants.

But I miss all of you, and I miss the support from you.  I have pulled back from blogs and facebook and emails and everything.  I used to spend probably, oh, I don't know, an average of maybe two hours a day at my computer.  Now, maybe I average 2 hours a MONTH.  I'm not joking.  In some ways I think it is good to pull away from this and focus more on strengthening my little fam, but I also know that it can be a bit isolating, and I have felt the brunt of that too.  Not sure what to do about all this.

My BFF Whit moved to Arizona a couple months ago, and I miss her terribly, too.  We still talk on the phone all the time, but it's not the same.  I miss so much that we used to be able to just drive in the car and not say anything at all, and not have it be awkward in the slightest, because we were just comfortable enough with each other that we didn't need to fill every silence up with meaningless words.  I love that we could watch episode after episode of SVU together and each eat an entire giant bag of popcorn while urging Benson and Stabler to catch those damn rapists.  ;)  I miss our shopping expeditions, where she'd always have to talk me down from my impulsive purchases.  I miss you, Whit.  I love you.

Photo - just a pic of my outfit today.  I scored the blue cardigan at a thrift store for $4 yesterday!  I felt a stormy outfit was appropriate for a stormy day today...

Okay, I think I'll end the saga for now.  I feel glad I wrote this.  A little bit better.  :)  Thanks for reading this and loving me and supporting me.  You guys are so awesome.

50%

I've been pregnant four times, and have only had two children.  So, having a miscarriage/stillbirth rate of 50% is really high.

And that's been on my mind a lot lately - the fear that I'm going to continue to miscarry, to continue to lose children.

 But you know what really sucks about that?  When I'm so focused on what I've lost, I forget to focus on what I HAVE - two insanely beautiful, healthy children.

I love Cade and Mila with everything I have.  They are my world.  And, God willing, I'll have another, but if not...
then...
I have them.  And in the end, that will be enough.

So, I have to publicly acknowledge how much I love them and how much they mean to me.  They bring me more joy than I really ever though I'd have.  In the throes of my my eating disorder, years ago, nothing made me happy.  Now I can smile and laugh out loud and really mean it, because they are my world. They bring that joy and meaning to my life that I didn't ever think I'd find.

And, yes, I've lost two kids...but I have two kids...
and they are so amazing.
They make life beautiful.

So, I"ll take my 50%.  And hope that percentage can swing a little more in my favor, in time.  But if not?

It's ok.
I have my 50%.

Lots of Loss

Hi, all.  I've been away.  Been a very long month full of lots of changes and ups and downs and losses and just figuring out how to cope.  I know that I only posted once in September, and that's like a record all time low for me.  How you all must have been in Cute Mila Picture Withdrawal!  Sorry I cannot appease your appetite today; I'm kinda busy and stressed and not much in a picture posting mode.  But I will try to get some pictures of the kids up soon.

Lots of Loss this month.  Lost my treatment team.  More on that later, but it was my choice, and I feel okay about it, and I think ultimately it'll be good.  But it's been an adjustment.

Lost a baby.  Wasn't very far along, but miscarriage is tough.  There's no getting around it.

Also just found out that I have a degenerative eye disorder called Keratoconus.  When I found this out I just cried and cried.  It is a disease that can never be corrected with glasses, contacts, or lasik surgery.  At some point I will need surgery, most likely corneal transplants.  Even with glasses or contacts, I will never be able to see better than 20/40 or 20/50, which barely makes me legal to drive.  And, it's degenerative, so it'll most likely get worse.  To think that my vision is always going to be severely blurred, even with glasses or contacts, for the rest of my life...devastates me.  Maybe it sounds stupid or petty, but it scares me and makes me awfully sad. And, the fact it could get worse...that scares me too.  Most never have to worry about losing their vision, and while I won't go blind, if I get to a point where I can't even see well enough to legally drive, well, that's pretty bad.  Even now, when wearing glasses or contacts, I squint.  I just can't see.  And to find out this news, well, it was devastating.  But I am going to make an appointment at the state's most prestigious eye center with a well-known doc who specializes in this, and hopefully get on the list for a corneal transplant.  They caught the disease quite late; I've had a lot of trouble for a long time but just didn't know why I couldn't see; I assumed the optometrist who last did an eye exam just didn't give me the right prescription.  He wasn't very competent and didn't catch this, which frustrates me.  I could have found this out a lot earlier had people known where and how to look for it.  It's not very common, which I think is why people thought I had extreme astigmatism and not Keratoconus.

So, that's been my month.  Lots of loss.

But I'm not as sad as you would think.  I am okay.  Please know that I am okay.