So I Will

Hi ya'll.

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.  I had a great time with my sister and her family; they let us crash their dinner this year and it was small and cozy and really nice.  Now I'm completely prepping for Christmas; we've strung lights up on the house and I have completely outdone myself and put up TWO trees in the house - one for the living room, and one for the family room.  I feel kind of silly, but it's been fun.  :)  I am nowhere NEAR done with Cmas shopping so feel a bit overwhelmed with all that, but I am looking forward to all the holiday parties coming up.  So much fun to reunite with family and friends.

Just wanted to give you guys a quick update on what's been going on and how I'm doing:

Since going back to treatment 3ish weeks ago, things have been kind of crazy and up and down physically and emotionally.  I have been at a re-feeding risk so for awhile I was constantly getting my labs drawn, and my poor little arms were all sore.  I also had an endoscopy done and they found a wicked bad stomach infection goin on, which help explains all the terrible nausea and tummy pain I've had over the last few months...who knew it wasn't all just anxiety, like I was blaming it on?  So I've been trying to get that under control and also dealing with some really really bad acid reflux.  This is all so delightful, right?  Gah.  So, medically, I've kind of felt crappy over the last few weeks, also with lots of migraines thrown in there for good measure.

But, over the last 5 or so days, I've begun to feel much better.  I've nailed down a time that I take my two tummy meds for them to work at their optimum, and that is helping.  I sleep sitting up to help with the reflux.  Stuff like that - just experimenting and adjusting to help me feel better.

Weight gain wise I am on the right track - have gained some weight, but also have a long way to go.  I think the initial weight gain process has been a little slow because of the re-feeding risk and the tummy issues.  But I'm gettin there, and what's MORE important - I WANT to get there.

I have lots of little morsels I could share with you all, but the most pressing thing I wanted to share was this:
The reason I think my eating disorder recovery will stick this time is because, this time around, with this relapse, it is the first time I have ever felt remorse for what I've done - for engaging in my eating disorder and hurting my body and my husband and kids and those who love me and care about me.  Before, I never took responsibility for it - it was all like, "Poor me, I'm just a product of some crappy things that have happened in my life and therefore I have an eating disorder and I really can't help it blah blah."  And now, I'm more like, "Yeah, life has been hard at times, but I chose to go down this path and I chose my eating disorder, and I need to take responsibility for that and I need to fix it."

I actually feel bad about what I've done to myself.  And I really want to fix it.

So I will.

And also, congratulations to my twin brother Brett and my sweet sis-in-law Angela on welcoming their new daughter, Gwendolyn June Brown, to the family.  She is an absolute doll and I am completely in love with her.  Little Gwen already has a little chunk of my heart.  :) 

(I WOULD HAVE POSTED A PICTURE OF GWENNY PIE BUT STUPID GOOGLE IS TELLING ME I'M OUT OF STORAGE SPACE AND NOW HAVE TO PAY MONEY EVERY MONTH TO PUT PICTURES ON MY BLOG.  I AM MAD.  HENCE THE ALL CAPS.  I WILL EVENTUALLY GIVE INTO THIS DEMAND BUT I NEED THE ANGER TO SETTLE.)  Rah!!!!