Thursday, January 27, 2011

Pregnancy Ups and Downs

Being pregnant again has been an insane rollercoaster ride. At one minute, I’m loving every second, exited like no other, and the next, I’m freaking out and wondering why the hell I decided to get on this ride again? I mean, I knew after everything that happened with Kendall, that being pregnant would be tough. Of course I knew this, but I T R U L Y didn’t know how hard it would be. I didn’t know that I’d cry all the time, wondering if my baby’s little heart was still fluttering away. I didn’t know that I’d have nightmares about losing my baby every night. I didn’t know that every time I had an ultrasound, I’d start to panic, terrified I’d see a baby that was just…gone, with their little life taken from me, again.

My OB tells me that for women who have had a traumatic fetal loss, that this is totally normal. She tells me that as I continue to approach the time period that I lost Kendall, things will get even harder than they are now – is that possible? – but she also says that as I pass the time that I lost Kendall, that my anxiety should start to decrease, which would be a welcome respite from all the adrenaline and Cortisol my poor body is having to deal with on a daily basis.

So, admittedly, this pregnancy has been hard. I’ve been more nauseous with this pregnancy than with my previous two, and I’ve also seemed far more er, weepy/emotional/sensitive/whathaveyou. Also, I have not gained any weight yet, which is a mild point of concern to my treatment team. In fact, I’ve lost a little. And, since I’m only 12 ½ weeks, it isn’t at the point where everyone needs to throw their hands up in the air and start freaking out and prying open my mouth and pouring copious amounts of Boost Plus into it, but still, it’s a little troubling to me – and, frankly, mystifying. Dis’ broad eats A LOT. Especially sour things. Baby likes sour things.

So, even though I’m a hot anxious train wreck waiting to happen, things are going relatively okay. I am surviving, and my baby is thriving. Fortunately I’m just about out of my first trimester, and I’m really hoping that the nausea can continue to decrease and that my BOOBS ‘O FIRE can stop, well, KILLING me with their sad soreness, and hopefully soon my anxiety can give my poor body a break and I can start actually laughing and smiling again, as opposed to either crying or retching into my garbage can.

Baby bump pics to come soon. :)

14 comments:

Eating Alone said...

You will make it through this. The baby will be great. Listen to the docs.

Tricia L said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tylaine said...

I'm so glad to finally here an update from you Brie! I was thinking about you yesterday. I am so glad things are going relatively ok. :) You are such a trooper and you will get through this great like you do everything else....oh and the best part! You get a little angel at the end. :)

Maeve said...

As sucky as it makes you feel I've heard that throwing up during pregnancy is actually a good sign. For some reason it's a sign that your pregnancy is going well. It's a pity that it makes you feel so yucky, but hopefully that helps on some level.

I hope that you can find some relief from the anxiety soon! You are a fantastic mother and deserve to enjoy this pregnancy.

Take care of yourself!!

Sia Jane said...

I know you barely know me (if even that) but I think of you so often so it is so amazing to have an update.
Just know, well, you can always message me or other.
Sending all my love xxxxx

bananas said...

OK, I have to disagree. I don't think throwing up is good unless you're like poisoned or something. If you're throwing up, you're losing electrolytes, which is going to screw you up.

So each time you throw up, please have a Pedialyte frozen pop! They are GOOD!

Cammy said...

I would imagine it is *really* hard to not be anxious about having problems after what you've been through in the past...hang in there, I do hope that the nightmares and anxiety let up very soon. My mom's miscarriage was followed by a perfectly healthy pregnancy; complications with one definitely do not doom you on each successive attempt. I know it must be hard, though, and maybe the hormotions are actually a good thing for letting you express the pain anxiety more easily rather that bottling it up?

Much love, take care, B.

brie said...

thanks for all your love and support, you. means a lot.

Tia said...

You're doing amazing my dear. And it's sooo awesome that you have a wonderful husband by your side and your little man. Take good care. Dietcolagirl

Krista said...

I totally feel for you. Hopefully soon the nausea will go away. I always felt better around 16 weeks. I don't know of you read my comment on your last post, but I rented a fetal heart monitor to have at home. It's about 20-30$ a month, but totally worth it. It has eased my anxiety so much with this pregnancy. Good luck!

Heather Lindquist said...

I hope you're able to feel better soon....I was pretty miserable my entire pregnancy. I thought weight gain would be a cinch....and to my amazement it wasn't. BUT, I filled myself with whatever I could and I'm very thankful that James was healthy. I never realized what a number pregnancy could do on the brain! I was very nervous about losing James after I lost my first little one, so I rented a fetal heart monitor. About 75% of my anxiety decreased the moment it arrived in the mail. In fact, I still have it, dang it....haven't yet returned it. It's so worth it if you can afford to rent one! I listened to James almost every day until a few weeks before I gave birth.

The Matlocks said...

So excited for you!!! I blog stalk you, is that ok??? They have a heart monitor thing that you can buy at Babies R Us, that lets you check your babies heart beat. I think it's like $30 or something. I really want one next time!!! Congrats!!!

schaars said...

CONGRATS!! Reading your blog today was just what I needed to hear, so I had to comment. I just had a miscarriage about 2 weeks ago, and am wondering if I will EVER want to get pregnant again, and am scared out of my mind to even think about it. Anyways it's so nice to hear that I am not alone or weird for thinking these things, when I talk to people that have never experienced anything like this, they just stare at me like I am weird for saying I don't know if I will ever try again. It was easier for me to go through a year of not getting pregnant than this roller coaster of emotions. I am so EXCITED for you! Good luck with everything.

Sheryl said...

So excited for you - sounds like you are taking it one day at a time.. and that's GREAT!! I can't imagine how hard it must be, but you're doing it - WOW... WHAT A WOMAN! You ROCK!