Thursday, April 8, 2010

I am free.

After I lost Kendall, I will admit to you, dear readers, that seeing pregnant women and even my pregnant sis-in-laws, getting big and ripe with babies, made me angry. Not at them, not at all, but angry at myself for not being pregnant anymore. Angry at God for taking Kendall from me. Angry at the world, dammit, because life continued on when I felt like mine had come to a devastating, grinding HALT. I was jealous. With a capital freakin J. My eyes would fill with tears when I heard of women announcing their pregnancies. I ached for a baby of my own.

But now…
Now.
Now I feel light. (Hypothetically, of course, because this broad has gained xx lbs in 3 months. ;)
I feel at peace.
Now I am no longer filled with anger. Kendall’s memorial did exactly what it was supposed to do:
it freed me.

23 comments:

bananas said...

Oh I was hoping it would! And now you see how many people love Kendall, I hope. I am so happy you are free.

Amber said...

I am so glad you did that. It will be great one day to look back on those memories. It's nice to know how many people love and support you. Your the best. Love ya.

Maeve said...

Your words brought happy tears to my eyes!! I am so very glad that the memorial helped you feel free.

You came up with such a fantastic way to honour her and help you all at the same time.

Jonny and Haley said...

I am so happy for you. You are a brave, brave woman. Your letter was beautiful....perfect for a beautiful girl like Kendall!

Devon said...

It's hard to smile any bigger than I am for you at this very moment. :)

kristin said...

I'm so glad that the memorial helped you to heal. :)

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

So happy to hear that. Good for you!

Babetta said...

Awesome! What a perfectly beautiful way to honor Kendall AND yourself :)

Stephanie said...

YEAH GIRL!!!!

Cammy said...

Where is the "like" button when I need it?

So glad to hear this, B. It's great that doing something for someone else (Kendall, who will never be forgotten) can help you to heal yourself as well.

Brooke said...

Breeze,

I'm so happy for you! I'm glad the memorial helped you come to that peace. So glad you heart isn't completely breaking every second anymore:) Love you! You are amazin'

Suzi Q said...

I am so happy for you! What an amazing feeling! Keep moving forward.

Laur said...

you deserve it. (to feel the burden lifted.) I am so happy for you that you are able to feel that way.

allegri said...

Free. Such a great word. Such a great feeling. And major props for gaining!!! you rizzzok!

Melisa said...

So happy for you! Hopefully you can start to truly heal from here on out. You are an amazing person with so many strengths that I admire. Thank you for sharing.

t. said...

i am so happy to read this, brie!

Sarah said...

I am so glad for you that this burden has been lifted. I thought your letter to Kendall was beautiful. I thought the balloons were a beautiful idea.

Alexandra Rising said...

I read this last night but decided to wait until this morning to respond.
I love that you did this wonderful thing that has clearly touched so many people [honestly, it was global, you created a movement!].
Im also glad you have found some peace. You know Kendall will alwaaaays be with you, will always be a part of you, and will always be watching over you. She will want to watch her mommy being happy.
I was unable to get the balloon but I did capture flowers blooming and I posted them for you and your family <3

belinda said...

fabulous work here hon
x

wendyorozco said...

that's so awesome to hear! :)

冠中ElmoAcker0831 said...

He that travels far knows much. ....................................................

tracy layne said...

I have never commented on your blog before, you don't know me and I don't know you. I was friends with your hubby in highschool and a friend of mine reads your blog so I check in once in a while, you're quite a writer.

Anyway, I wanted to comment on this post because I very well relate to that horrible green eyed monster that comes out around pregnant women. My husband and I tried for years to have a baby, spent 50 grand on infertility treatments, I got pregnant once, and lost it.

It would kill me to see so many women getting pregnant around me, and often whining and moaning about how horrible it was to be pregnant, or how they just kept getting pregnant on accident, when that was the one thing I wanted with such desperation. It killed me inside. Like you said, not that you are mad at them, but sad for yourself.

Anyway, I now have my sweet baby boy that we adopted in November and I would never trade him for anything. All things for a reason. That is one thing I know for sure.

I am glad you are starting to heal... I know what a tough road it's been. Keep it up, it will make Kendall proud.

tracy layne said...

holy long comment... sorry.