For the past eight years, I’ve either been in treatment gaining truckloads and trucklooooaaaads, or I’ve been out, quite simply; losing all that weight. Last night in group the-rapey the Tster asked me how ready I thought I was to begin this new leg of the journey; to learn to eat to maintain, and I told her quite simply that I didn’t know if I was ready. I was scared. I was unsure. And I told her and my group of peeps that quite honestly, if I weren’t all about wanting to raise my son in a healthy environment, so that ten years down the road he doesn’t end up in drug treatment all strung out talking about how he’s all messed up cuz Mom "took rides on the crazy train," and trying to maintain a healthy marriage ‘n stuff, I can’t quite yet say that I’d stay at this weight on my own. In fact, I know I wouldn’t. So I need to learn how to follow my MP and not reason with myself that taking shortcuts is okay. I have to be willing to eat the extra snacks allotted me when I exercise that could feed an entire hungry 4th grade class on a field trip to the natural history museum. I have to be willing to get rid of my skinny jeans and never look back (or try to squeeze back in). I have to continue to drink my 5 cans of Boost that give me iarrheaday.
Maintenance ain’t easy. But I’m realizing that maintaining my weight is also helping me maintain so many other things that I value: my mood is much more maintainable (alliteration: 4 points!) and Brandon isn’t constantly afraid I’m going to have a spaz attack or large-scale freak out for the smallest things (Me: TURN DOWN THE VOLUME ON THAT STUPID RESIDENT EVIL WHATEVER NUMBER! NOWWWW! Brandon: Erm, honey? A simple “please turn down the volume" would’ve been awesome. Just, um, for reference.) I am maintaining a healthier and higher level of energy. So yes, maintaining a healthier level of energy and mood stabilization are certainly perks that come with the bigger ass cheeks ‘o mine. (Seriously it was like buy one, get two free!) So I’ll take it. And I’ll work with it.
And I’ll go drink my Boost now.
23 comments:
As a side note to your post, as a girl who is still learning to deal with binge eating issues, maintenance is the hardest part for me, too. I have to keep three different sizes of pants hidden in boxes in my closet because, no matter how hard I try, it seems impossible to keep that size 6 on my hips.
Foods sucks because you NEED it to live. It's not like alchol, where you can just quit. So, don't quit. Learn, be strong. You're hub and son are your motivation for now, but the longer you stick to it, the sooner YOU will want to do this for YOU. :) I'm proud of you.
There were enough spelling and grammar errors in that post to make me sick. So sorry.
I totally remember the feelings I had when I found out that I was switching to a "maintenance" plan rather than a "gaining" plan. In my ED head, I felt like such a failure. Damn! How could that have happened? The recovery voice in me was so small and quiet that the ED voice drowned it out. But, since I was in-patient, I had no choice but to keep eating. (joy joy) Over time, my recovery voice got stronger and louder and my body actually did what all those professional peeps said it would... it leveled out and maintenance began to feel normal... no like a Thanksgiving feast anymore. Hoping and praying the same for you. {{hugs}} You're doing great, girlie!
Thanks A and S. Good to know I'm not alone. ♥.
I don't have a goal number, I get a goal range. + or - 15 lbs is ok. And then they say that I'm not allowed to way myself anyway so I don't know if I'm supposed to eat or not. It's very fustrating.
You at least have very good reason's to try and keep sane.
Yeah D apparently i have a range too, but i have a feeling it's + or - 3-5 lbs...but they won't tell me the exact number of my range anyway, so that's just a guesstimation...
So, just to make you feel better.....well, hopefully, when I was at the doctor's office last week I was weighed and took a gander at the end result. (I haven't known my weight in YEARS cuz I no longer believe in scales).....BUT....I was mortified and shocked and everything else horrendous. I almost cried. But then I stepped off and gave it some thought. I'm recovered. I still fit into cute clothes. People still look at me (granted from the back) and say I look like I'm 10 years old. I'm eating healthfully and my husband adores my curvy bod and would enjoy nothing less! Even though I was X pounds higher than I imagined, and was momentarily stumped, I can now say, a few days later, that all is okay. It was a blow, to say the least, but I realized that maintaining a healthy life-style isn't really JUST about maintaining a healthy weight #. So, I've vowed to never look at another doctor's scale again. It's not worth it. It was hard learning how to maintain...and even while maintaining a healthy range, weight #s fluctuate constantly. Yes, I'm still in my range, just higher than I thought, but I'm okay with it now. The initial shock has worn off...thank God! Maintaining is tricky....in the early stages I do think it's important to have someone you trust monitor the actual #, but over time I think that can actually be quite counter-productive. Maintain an eating style...not a #. Anyway, that's the advice I'd throw your way. Good luck with it. It's no easy journey, but you've come this far and I know you can continue!
This is an issue I'm going to have to learn to deal with too. For me, it is kind of scary at two ends of the spectrum: having to stay at a healthy weight, and not slipping into the weight loss mode that has seemed default for so long, and at the same time trying not be super scared of gaining any MORE weight. But in reality, your body *wants* to stay at a weight that is healthy for you. If you go above what your "ideal" is right now, it's because you needed it, not becuase you failed somehow. In reality, it's because you won. Not that I think it's highly likely you will, just trying to address that possible anxiety, maybe I'm just projecting mine, sorry. And your the-rapey team spent a lot of years and a lot of student loans in school to earn their degrees in figuring out what the healthy spot is, to give objective and solid guidelines for times when our EDs still try to pipe up and tell us healthy is too big, or not special enough, or whatever other bullshit.
I think this comment has only been marginally coherent...in a nutshell, I feels you, but you're going to be ok. It is so awesome to watch you get your feet back on the ground with this, you're a star and you're going to win this game with flying colors.
I thought the the-rapey thing was a typo, apparently it's not! LOL
I love your blog. I love your ability to be real.
(I just deleted like a whole paragraph).
It's so good to know you (I am) are not alone.
You are definitely not a lone in feeling this way. I've definitely gone through these emotions, and it is something I still struggle with even though I've been managing to maintain.
Luckily you're a smart cookie and have a caring treatment team.
You will be okay.
Have you seen the Booty by Boost pants. I think you would look smoking hot in a pair!
It's great that you're able to take such good care of yourself and look ahead like this. I can't even imagine how proud your favorite men are of you right now. xoxo
KRISTA WHERE DO I GET THE BOOTY BY BOOST PANTS?!!!!
I'm glad you're seeing the positives- despite the iarrheaday.
And yeah lady, I totally agree that maintenance is a scary and unfamiliar transition- I definitely had a panic attack when I realized that I was no longer dangerously underweight- but you know what, it's kinda nice, because you notice that you're actually alive and functioning (and hey, not fat or even close!) and you learn how cool it is that you can actually eat muchy much and EUREKA...not gain any weight at all! And then you realise after a while- hey I'm totally not super obsessed with Paula Deen and food and recipes and looking at people's pictures of their dinners and salivating over them anymore. So much mental clutter goes down through the shredder.
Love ya lady :)
I still deal with maintenance issues, and I've been out of the Center for Crazy (kidding, kidding) for close to 3 years now. It's SO much easier than it used to be, though. And at first I too had to use other people as my reason to not lose... but you know what? It worked. And eventually when I figured out how much better my life was at a healthy weight my motivation became more intrinsic.
Brie if you do hunt down some of those pants, whatever you do, don't wear them to the-rapey! Man, that would not go over well. I think they are hilarious, but those mental health professionals don't always take jokes so well in my experience! :P
Maintaining is ughsohardzomgz. With you there. And btw, hi. Your blog is pretty awesome, and I likes it. :)
A couple of friends of mine got the Booty By Boost pants made on a pass from treatment, you can see them if you search "We work our asses ON at ED camp" on facebook. I bet if you commented there, you could find enough people who want them to place an order. Some of my other friends from the frew and I were thinking of getting some other stuff a while back and it never happened...so I'm sure there's a way you could get a pair.
Don't worry, I yell at Jonny to turn off Call of Duty number whatever about every day.
Don't worry, I yell at Jonny to turn off Call of Duty number whatever about every day.
Hey lou lou here from boostforward, I am having to make my blog private in a few days as I want to continue blogging but something pretty shitty happened, I was going into treatment at a clinic, I have been in touch with the guy for a month now emails, calls and all kinds of things. My parents had been through the facility with him and sat with him for an hour discussing treatment plans and my history and my desperate need for help. i showed up yesterday after lunch like he said to, expecting to begin my treatment at the alcahol, dr*g and eating disorder clinic and stay for a month, mum and dad paid a lot of money, when we showed up nobody was there, it was a complete scam, he used to work there and it had stopped being operational a few weeks ago, it was deserted, unmarked and sickening. i really want to continue blogging. I just want to stay in touch with my blogsphere peoples whether they are anonymous or not, only thing is im turning boostforward to private cos i stupidly gave the guy my URL to show progress and history etc, I may have to change URL, untill this mess is figured out i have to do this. I am going to post this on peoples comments too. I am going to switch it to private in a few days. theres so much thats happened that i dont want to write just now while its public. please email me so i caninvite you to read my blog to my alias blogging email amanda.brunning@gmail.com ... not my name. if you aren't comfortable with that, i totally understand!
xx arohanui lou
you have come SO FA that is so awesome!! your team must be so proud of you along with your childand hubby!!!!!! im so happy for you!!!!!
i kinda do the same thing about maintaining my weight. if im not willing to do it "or myself" then damnit i suck it up and eep my weiht on for others. my family, my job, my friends my health etc etc becausein the end, it is what makes me. i wouldnt be comlete without my support so they are part of me and the are also parto my gaining and maintaining my weight.
you have a great attitude girl, keep it up!! i bet hubby like buttcheeks to btw lol!
you have come SO FA that is so awesome!! your team must be so proud of you along with your childand hubby!!!!!! im so happy for you!!!!!
i kinda do the same thing about maintaining my weight. if im not willing to do it "or myself" then damnit i suck it up and eep my weiht on for others. my family, my job, my friends my health etc etc becausein the end, it is what makes me. i wouldnt be comlete without my support so they are part of me and the are also parto my gaining and maintaining my weight.
you have a great attitude girl, keep it up!! i bet hubby like buttcheeks to btw lol!
Hey Brie,
Miss you! i hope you and the fam are all okay. Write soon!
I love it when you say things like "Yakkity Smackkity"...hee.
Be well and happy,
tracy
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