Remembering on this day.

In loving memory, Kendall Penny Breivik.

I've been thinking a lot today about Kendall (obviously).  And I've been SO SAD.  Because honestly, 2 years ago today, was probably the worst day of my life.  I sat alone in a cold dark examining room while my doctor told me that my daughter was gone.  There are no happy memories of this day.  And so I have been overwhelmed with those past feelings and memories of something so traumatic.

And yet.

I can't regret how everything happened, can I, because then that would mean regretting how things turned out and regretting that Mila is here.  If Kendall had lived, then I would not have Mila, and that is not acceptable to me - Mila is already such an integral part of my life and my heart; I absolutely cannot picture my life without her in it.  So yes, everything happened for a reason, and it happened as it was supposed to.

But that doesn't mean that this day doesn't still hurt.
So I've cried.  A lot.
And I've remembered her.
And I've missed her.
And then I'm going to gather my baby girl in my arms and snuggle with her and tell her all about her big sister Kendall, who gave this most amazing sacrifice, so she could be here.
And then I'll be okay.

(Thank you to the overwheming number of people who wrote love on their ams today and sent me pictures.  Each one filled me with gratitude that I have such awesome people in my life who remember me and what happened.  I am truly blessed to have all of you.)