A Rather Scattered Update

Figured I’d do a quick update, though I don’t have too much to say, as my days are pretty much the same thing over and over: go to work, go home, play with Cade, crochet, clean the house, dream of eating a giant sugar cookie with pink frosting as big as a paper plate, crochet some more, go to bed, repeat, etc etc. I’m mostly just biding my time until the weather warms up and we can play outside. I have lavish fantasies that involve me sitting in a lawn chair with my feet buried in the grass, observing my world through my fabulously tinted Fossil sunglasses all while basking in the sun, while C happily plays with sidewalk chalk and keeps himself entertained and doesn’t need me whatsoever. In these fantasies he is even capable of getting himself a gogurt and Capri Sun by himself, without whining to me at all. And I get very tan, with no suburnage anywhere. It’ll happen. It has to!

I finally finished my first crocheting project – a blanket and 2 burp cloths. I’d say in total, I logged about 12 hours of work – though the first 3 involved me cursing and losing self-esteem while I made about an inch – or less - of progress. I’ve already started my second blanket – I started it last night, while on Ambien, which I don’t recommend to you Future Crocheters Out There. Everything just seemed so HARD and instead of calling it “crocheting,” I kept mumbling that I couldn’t “crotch stitch.” (Shivers. Doesn’t that put the nastiest picture in your head??) Needless to say, I somehow had the presence of mind to put it away and pull it out when sober!

I’d give you an update on how recovery from the ED goes, only not much to report there. I am still, as always, struggling with body image but getting through it. I am making conscious decisions every day to eat healthy, balanced meals for Avery – with some Easter candy thrown in there for good measure – and to not let my ED behaviors win, ESPECIALLY while pregnant. I would never want to live with myself knowing that I was doing anything that could harm my baby. I do find it a little baffling, though, when I hear women tell me that when they were pregnant, it was the ONLY time that they felt free to eat what they wanted and didn’t struggle too much with body or food issues. I can’t relate to that at all. If anything I am even more hyper-vigilant about what I eat and worry incessantly about weight gain, more so than I would if I didn’t have some 2 lb thang inhabiting my rotund bod. I wish I could just RELAX and enjoy eating and be okay with weight gain. But I can’t. I’m still working on it, and who knows, maybe I’ll somehow get to that point in the future, and this idea of being okay with my body that is so ethereal will take on more of a real, tangible thing that I can grasp onto. I hope so. So I try to remain – well sometimes when I’m in a good mood – optimistic.

So that’s it. I’m here, I’m plugging along with my sun fantasies and my crotch stitching and my hopes for a better outlook on my body. What’re you up to?