“But Lord please please please take away my anxiety.”

I saw my obstetrician this morning. Everything is fine. Baby is growing and thriving.
But I still cried anyway.
A lot.
It was kind of embarrassing to be wiping snot and tears away in front of my OB, but I figure if she’s seen flabby vaginas, she’s seen worse.

My anxiety literally feels like it’s getting to a point where it might be out of control. I’m approaching the time period in this pregnancy where I lost Kendall at the same point, and my anxiety about that has sky-rocketed. I cry daily. I worry. I hyperventilate. I try to sleep it off. I’m grouchy. I’m irritable. I’m quiet and withdrawn. I seriously wish that I could just put myself in a coma for the next few weeks and wake up after 21 weeks. This morning my doctor suggested I come in every week for now (as opposed to every other week) so that I can get an ultrasound and be reassured that Baby Girl is growing and has a strong heartbeat, and I gratefully took her up on her offer. I hope the more frequent check-ups on Baby will help put my mind at ease.

I’m also incredibly stressed about my weight. This is yet another reason that I cry and panic daily. I feel like I am gaining weight at an alarming rate, and though I knew that of course I would gain weight in this pregnancy, I was not prepared for how quickly I would gain it. Even though I am absolutely eating and following my mealplan, I will admit to you that I have never felt as “anorexic” in my thoughts as I do now…probably in years and years. I am so preoccupied with my body, my size. I’m embarrassed to go out in public because of how big I think I am. Every week when the number on the scale goes up more than I have deemed “acceptable,” I lose it. I just lose it you guys. So, obviously, I’ve decided that right away, weighing myself needs to stop. Also, I talked to my OB today about making sure I get on the scale backward, and having them not mention my weight to me unless it’s getting out of control or something. She agreed that was a smart move. I am hoping that not knowing my number can help with the anxiety as well.

And, in telling you all of my anxieties, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I am incredibly thrilled to be carrying my sweet little girl. I can’t wait to hold her in my arms in 5 months time and marvel at her beauty and perfection and her squishy little thighs. But, unfortunately, none of that takes away my fears. I dislike being pregnant. It wreaks havoc on me physically and emotionally. I know it’ll be worth it, and that’s how I make it through my days, but in the interim, this girl is really struggling.