Pregnancy Ups and Downs

Being pregnant again has been an insane rollercoaster ride. At one minute, I’m loving every second, exited like no other, and the next, I’m freaking out and wondering why the hell I decided to get on this ride again? I mean, I knew after everything that happened with Kendall, that being pregnant would be tough. Of course I knew this, but I T R U L Y didn’t know how hard it would be. I didn’t know that I’d cry all the time, wondering if my baby’s little heart was still fluttering away. I didn’t know that I’d have nightmares about losing my baby every night. I didn’t know that every time I had an ultrasound, I’d start to panic, terrified I’d see a baby that was just…gone, with their little life taken from me, again.

My OB tells me that for women who have had a traumatic fetal loss, that this is totally normal. She tells me that as I continue to approach the time period that I lost Kendall, things will get even harder than they are now – is that possible? – but she also says that as I pass the time that I lost Kendall, that my anxiety should start to decrease, which would be a welcome respite from all the adrenaline and Cortisol my poor body is having to deal with on a daily basis.

So, admittedly, this pregnancy has been hard. I’ve been more nauseous with this pregnancy than with my previous two, and I’ve also seemed far more er, weepy/emotional/sensitive/whathaveyou. Also, I have not gained any weight yet, which is a mild point of concern to my treatment team. In fact, I’ve lost a little. And, since I’m only 12 ½ weeks, it isn’t at the point where everyone needs to throw their hands up in the air and start freaking out and prying open my mouth and pouring copious amounts of Boost Plus into it, but still, it’s a little troubling to me – and, frankly, mystifying. Dis’ broad eats A LOT. Especially sour things. Baby likes sour things.

So, even though I’m a hot anxious train wreck waiting to happen, things are going relatively okay. I am surviving, and my baby is thriving. Fortunately I’m just about out of my first trimester, and I’m really hoping that the nausea can continue to decrease and that my BOOBS ‘O FIRE can stop, well, KILLING me with their sad soreness, and hopefully soon my anxiety can give my poor body a break and I can start actually laughing and smiling again, as opposed to either crying or retching into my garbage can.

Baby bump pics to come soon. :)