Tell it Like it is

I have relapsed.
There.

I said it.
I freaking said it.

I have lost a significant amount of weight in a fairly short period of time.

I was referring to what was happening as a "slip," but it's not.  My therapist is right; it's a "relapse."

I am on official weight gain and am eating a large mealplan plus drinking four Boost Pluses a day to gain weight.  I am committed to gaining the weight and am literally stuffing my face with food.  Because I am so tall and naturally thin and have the metabolism of Lance Armstrong, it takes A LOT of calories to get me to gain.

And in all of this...I keep thinking...

WHY AM I RELAPSING?  WHY DID I DO THIS?  WHY DID I DO THIS TO MY CHILDREN?

And all I can come up with is...
ANGER.
I'm so angry.  I'm angry at my friends who refuse to get better, and at Kendall for not being here, and at myself.  Mostly at myself.  Because I cannot get better.  Because I have this amazing life, but continually ruin it over and over again with the devastating affects of anorexia.

I KNOW I don't value being thin over being happy and being a healthy and competent parent to my children.  Yet I let this "slip" get worse and worse, until my BMI has officially put me in the criteria for anorexia.  And, the affects are here: I am anxious and irritable and focused on my body.  I am grouchy and preoccupied.  I have headaches, I get dizzy.  I am taking antibiotics to get over a bladder infection, which for me, is a classic and very common symptom I get when I am restricting and dehydrated.

I hate this.  I hate how I am.

So I am fixing it.  I am fixing what my denial did.  I am fixing the stupid justifications I made to myself when I would skip a meal or a snack, that always added up to more and more restricting.  I am fixing the lies I told to my dietician and therapist.  I am fixing my damaged relationships.

And it takes a lot longer to fix something than it takes to break it.

So I am here, wandering, looking at the devastating mess I've made.  And I WILL fix it.  I have to. 

BUT I have to end this post by telling you I am fixing this.  That it's not just empty words.  That I am gaining weight.  That I am going into therapy and figuring out why this relapse happened.
I'm not going to give up.
And I thank you for your love and support.

XO

Rah

I'm sorry for my post last night.  It was in the middle of the night and I was feeling raw and emotional and much more uninhibited than I usually am.

I am debating on whether or not I should take it down.  To those that commented or sent me personal texts/emails about this, I appreciate it.  I truly do.  Your words meant so much and it is so nice to know that I am Good to some people. 

I have a lot to say.  I kind of want to proverbially puke all over the keyboard and get out so much.  I have a ton going on this weekend because today is Mila's birthday (a post to come) and tomorrow is my birthday, but I WILL get a post up soon about what is happening for me.  I need an outlet.

Again, thanks for putting up with me.  I'll leave you with one birthday pic of Mila; just be prepared for about 56 more to come!  ;)

"I'm Wicked Through and Through"

I am seeing the broadway musical "Wicked" on Saturday.  On my birthday, I get to go see this amazing musical.  And I am beyond thrilled.  Excited.  Giddy and over the moon.

And here's why:

I read the book "Wicked" six or seven years ago.  I remember thinking about it...meh...it was okay.  Kind of weird.  But I guess worth reading.  But as I got into the soundtrack and the musical, and really decided I wanted to see it on Broadway, I decided I wanted to read the book again, just so that when I saw it live, I'd have an idea of what was going on (though I hear the musical adaptation is MUCH different than the book).

So I began to read "Wicked" a second time.

And I bloody well cried my way through the entire book.

Because I am the Wicked Witch of the West.

I started out good.  I started out with passion and with a desire to help other people.  I was fiery and stubborn and obstinate but GOOD.  Inherently good.

But then I was misunderstood.  And that hurt a lot.  And it jaded me. 

And this poor witch, she became bad, but she didn't even mean to be.  Life turned to shit and she threw her hands up in the air and did what she had to do - even if it was bad.  And she became wicked.  Everyone called her wicked, vile, evil.  And so, she began to label herself that way, too.

But never ever, did she really intend to be.   She never intended to be wicked.

And that is me.  I am wicked, though I don't mean to be.  I am bad and I screw everything up and I am misunderstood.

And so, on Saturday, when I see this musical, I am going to sob my way through it.  Because I am the wicked witch.  And I hurt so much.

I'm bad.  But please, please understand that I don't mean to be.  I want to be Good.

I have been sobbing even THINKING about watching the musical.  I finished the book a few nights ago in the middle of the night and pretty well sobbed my way through the rest of the night.  I relate so much to Elphaba, (the Wicked Witch) so much it kills me.  It is hard to read when you feel like you are reading about yourself.  Really upsetting and hurtful things, too.  No, I don't live in Oz, and no, I'm not magical (duh).  But I am different, and I am not "normal," just as she never was.  People label me pretty quickly, before they get to know me.  I am quiet and introverted, so people label me as a snot and that I think I'm better than them.  I am tall and pretty, and so I intimidate people.  I am anorexic, so people think I am off my rocker.

When really?  All I want to be is me.  Just me.  Brie.

And it doesn't end well for her.  You know that she dies in the end.  She dies and it is unfortunate and needless and so painful for her.  But mostly needless.  This person who could have made such a difference in this world, such an impact, dies an early, needless death.

As I am typing this, I am sobbing.

Because I don't want to be wicked.  I don't want to be misunderstood or have my actions misconstrued.  I want to be me.  I want to be a mother.  I want to be a good wife.  I want to be a writer.  I want to be silly and witty and inspiring and helpful.  But right now, all I feel is wicked.

"I'm wicked through and through."

But I don't want to be.  I am scared and I am sad.

The Past Week in Pics

If you are my friend on Facebook or Instagram, (briebreivik) then you've probably already seen these.  But if not, enjoy!

New House Adventure Week 20

Our house is darn near finished - there are a few touches, here and there, that need to be completed, but today they are doing the deep clean of the house, and other than that, pretty much everything is done, aside from a few things on the outside of the house that remain to be finished.

We have the final walk-through of the house next Wednesday, and then we close on Friday.  As in, A WEEK FROM TODAY.  As in, MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE.  As in, IT IS SOON AND I'M EXCITED AND I CAN'T WAIT!!!

And then Monday the 30th, provided all goes as planned (crossing my fingers) and the loan goes through (crossing my toes) we move in.  I WILL BE IN MY NEW HOUSE 10 DAYS FROM NOW.

AAAHHHHH!

Here are a few random pics.  Didn't do a super cohesive and thorough job of taking them, but I managed to get a few:

The subway tile backsplash with our beautiful granite and cupboards.  It looks amazing!

All of our appliances are stainless steel, so it looks really good.  :)

Another view of the kitchen, which is pretty much my favorite part of the house.  Our builders have been bringing prospective homebuyers in from everywhere to tour our house because they love how we decorated the kitchen and want others to see it.  Since I am the Ultimate Novice Decorator, I am flattered!

Our carpet is in!

Another view of the kitchen...

The powder room.  I'm going to add some color to this room because it looks so blah.

Kid's bathroom.  I'm decorating their bathroom in orange and teal.

A view of the master bath.  They were working on it so there are tools and stuff around, but you get the idea.

The back patio and stairs.

The master bathroom floor that they fixed - it was originally wrong, remember?

Our pretty wood floor looks so great with the kitchen and carpet.

The outside of the house.  It is ALMOST complete, but there are still a few finishing touches to be added...

All is Well Here

Hello friends,

So sorry I have been sporadic and absent; that doesn't make for a good blogger, I know.  I am still just trying to adjust to working and mommyhood-life.  PLUS we are moving in like 10 days and so I am busy and distracted with getting all the house stuff ready and organized.

Have a new house post coming soon, you are going to die when you see the pics - pretty much everything is finished, and it looks even more beautiful than I imagined it would.  :)

For now, please be content with an adorable collage with Mila.  I won't neglect you much longer, I promise!!

XO

New House Happenings

Our builder called us with good news - they were wrong when they told us a few days ago that the house wouldn't be ready til mid-August.  And we were like duh, turd herders!  We could have told you that!  So they actually amended our move-in date to sometime during the first week of August, which is THREE weeks from now!  We have our final walk-through in like 10 days, and then just have to get the loan ready and all that stuff.

So much has happened with the house, but I'm saving it all for my next house post.  But this girl is happy again.  Yay!!