Has a Nice Ring to it

My good friend - and Blogxygener - Brianne sent me this pic yesterday.  Apparently this store is in Idaho Falls, just a few minutes from her house.  She snapped a pic because she knew of course that I would adore it.

A store named after my baby!  How perfect.  :)  And if I do say so myself, Mila is quite couture.  Take a gander for yourself.  :)

Babies Don't Keep

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

Read full poem here.

I love this poem.  It really speaks to me, and it reminds me to hold onto Mila a little tighter because soon she'll be like Cade, scampering off to school with his too-big-backpack and making new friends that aren't ME.  I miss the days when he used to snuggle with me and need me in a way that he no longer does.  I know of course my 5 year old still needs me, but they grow up so fast...as I'm learning.  Also, this poem comes in handy when Brandon asks me why I haven't done the laundry.  Whipping out an answer like "Because I'm too busy loving my daughter before she grows up so LAY OFFA ME" is kinda hard to talk back to, am I right?

Babbling On

Okay, so it took 4 days, but I'm finally onboard with this whole new year thing.  I was worried 2012 was going to suck, but methinks it could be pretty rad.  This is the year that Brandon will graduate, (only took him a decade - but LOVE YOU BRANDON!) and the year we buy our own house.  All good things, yes? 

And I've also decided that today is going to be a good day, despite the fact I was rudely awakened at 5:53 this morning by my cat retching at my bedside.  Stepped in it this morning too, all squishy between my toes.  But I let it rolllllll off the old shoulderoos; washed my puke-soiled foot, and cheerfully woke up much earlier than I have been lately.  My house is clean, (relatively) Cade is ready for school, Mila is napping, my cats are (thankfully) not puking at the moment, and I have a cold Diet Coke by my side.  How could this day NOT be okay?!

And, can I just say that you guys are rad?  If you knew me in real life, (most of you don't) you'd probably view me as this relatively cheerful person who was somewhat quiet that keeps mostly to herself.  And it's true - I'm kind and I'm polite, but unless you reallllly know me, you know that I don't offer much information up about myself, and I more or less keep to myself.  And, usually, I'm okay with that.  It's only after I have an outpouring of kindness and love from you guys (like after my last post) that I am left thinking, wow, maybe I do need more people in my life.  Because the kind comments that you all left, when I hadn't even met the majority of the people that commented, just blew me away.  It left a huge smile on my face after I read each comment.  It made me ache (but in a good way) and it made me realize I need more people in my life that I can talk to, and I need more moments where I am real and open.  Doing that is scary because it makes me feel so vulnerable, but I think it's also really really good for me, too.  So thanks for helping me guys.  You are way cheaper than therapy!  ;)

By the way, last night my meat loaf was a smashing success.  I even "cooked" baked potatoes, and if you can believe it, I've never done THAT before.  I'm not joking, I can microwave things like a wiz, and I can cook, like, grilled cheese and maybe put soup on the stove, but that is where my culinary talents end.  And, it's not like I wasn't given an opportunity to learn, as a kid, (and even adult) my mom has asked - nay, begged - to teach me how to do that kinda stuff, and I always politely decline.  I just have ZERO interest in cooking.  But I also know I'm kind of, like, a wife and mom, so maybe I should try to learn to cook some things...so...I'm trying.  New year, new me, right?  Maybe?  Meat loaf Brie?

Now I'm just babbling.  Time to get the kiddo to school, anyway.  Hope ya'll have a great day.  Sorry no cute pics of the kiddos today.  Saaaaaad.  Tomorrow's post for sure, I'll add new pics!

Well said, my boy, well said.

Last night, Cade knew I was really glum.  So he said, "Mom, I have something really important I need to tell you.  It is that you are super pretty and you make the bestest baby girls ever!"

and then

This afternoon, after I picked Cade up from school, we stopped at the grocery store to buy some ingredients for dinner (I'm tackling meat loaf).  Cade saw a shiny red corvette in the parking lot, then asked me, "Mommy, how come you don't have a corvette?"

To which I replied, "Ask your dad."

He paused for a while, then said, rather thoughtfully, "Daddy's cheap, huh?"

LOL.  That's my gem for the day.  :)

New Year's Reflections

Thanks for bearing with my post yesterday.  I needed to vent, to be sad, to mourn a little I guess.

I've been reflecting on December 2011, and boy guys, it wasn't a good month.  It's been really hard.  Due to some really crappy things that happened, my depression got pretty bad.  My anxiety felt out of control, and when I say that, I don't say it lightly.  At all.

I've been doing a lot of hiding in my room with the kitties curled up next to me, the lights turned off, and the door shut.  I've been crying a lot.  I've felt lower than I have in a long time.  I've been lucky, because fortunately Brandon has had a lot of time off with the holidays, so he's been there to watch the kids while I slept in until 11:30, and he was being the mama of the house and doing the cleaning and cooking while I felt sorry for myself.  He's been amazing.  Stellar.  I am so lucky to have him, and I probably don't tell him enough.

And I've been thinking a lot.  I don't want 2012 to start out as crappy as 2011 ended.  I can only wallow and feel sorry for myself for so long.  I can't keep this up, I don't want to keep this up!  So, though I am no New Year's Resolutioner, I have decided that I'm going to at least do a few things a little different.  I'm going to set my alarm and wake up sometime before that of a lazy high-schooler with no responsibilities.  I'm going to start cleaning the house, or at least doing a little cleaning each day.  I'm going to schedule time to be with Cade each day to help him with his homework and love on him.  Instead of hiding in my room, I'm going to try to be around more.  I'm going to try to laugh and be in the moment more, rather than worry about the future or regret the past.  I'm going to let myself have some time every day to be anxious or scared or sad or upset, because if I'm feeling that, I need to be okay with that, but I also am not going to let those emotions run rampant and rule my life.  I'll feel them, then put my chin up and move on.

Although, one resolution I think I do have is to blog more.  I feel pretty lonely right now.  Blogging seems to help me not feel so isolated.  So, thanks for reading, even when my posts aren't so fun or ridiculous.  Sometimes I just need to be serious, and to be honest.  Today is one of those days.

A Hard Day to be a Mother

There are some days where being a mother is hard.  Really hard.  Today is one of those days.  Cade has hardly stopped crying all afternoon.  He is whiny and upset and neither me nor Brandon seem to know what to do to help him.  I sat and tried to do his homework with him, and all he did was cry and say he couldn't do it.  It's been very frustrating.  We just tried to have FHE and Cade wouldn't look at us or pray with us or sing the opening song.  He wouldn't listen to the lesson, instead hid under a blanket.

I put my head in my hands and cried.  I'm still crying, even now.

Because my little boy is scared and insecure and terribly obstinate to authority.  Because he doesn't seem to be okay and I don't know what to do.  Because I'm terrified that I've made him insecure because I am, too.  Because he's so sweet and beautiful and charming, yet he doesn't let anyone see it - instead he's angry and intense and bitter toward people.

What did I do wrong?  How do I fix it?  I wonder if Cade will read this blog post 15, 20 years from now.  I wonder if he'll blame me for the little flaws he struggles with.  I hope, instead, that if he ever reads this, he'll instead know that I love him and wish I knew how to help him.  I hope he'll know that I tried.  I don't know what else to do.

It's been a hard day.

Happy New Year's and a Holiday Recap

Happiest of New Years to you all.  I hope everyone had a fun and safe holiday season.  To recap, my Christmas was great.  Brandon and I didn't give much to each other, but Cade absolutely adored his presents, and I had so much fun watching him open up all his presents.  The dreaded shark blimp went over well, I think.  Brandon and Cade loved nothing more than scaring the crap out of me with it.  I never knew when I was going to turn around to find a giant shark face all up in my grill, and not far off, I'd hear Brandon and Cade tittering while working the remote control that moves the shark.  What a hoot, guys, I love being scared out of my mind by a silent, stealthy shark that's bigger than me.  Awesome.  I won't be watching Jaws anytime soon, that's for sure.  :)

New Year's Eve was okay too, though I'm usually so sick to death of holiday stuff, that by the time New Year's comes around, I'm just ready to go to bed and wake up to a new year and get back to my routine.  Holidays are fun but I'm just plain holiday-ed out by now.

 I got to see my sister and her family though, here from Colorado, and I also got to see my sis-in-law and her kiddos, while my brother is stationed in Honduras, so that was awesome to spend time with them.  That's probably why holidays are best - to see family and loved ones that you haven't seen in awhile.

 Anyway, sorry I've been kind of quiet lately - December was kind of a rough month for me, and I'm hoping that 2012 will be better.  I have set no resolutions because I already know I won't keep them.  Why set goals when you can low-ball?  Yeah, the pessimism is coming out, so maybe I should stop here...

Hope to post soon and more often!  Enjoy pics of my baby girl - I can't get enough of her.