Blogxygen Starting Anew (sort of)

Hi friends, well, through a series of interesting events today that I really won't tell here, because it really doesn't matter, I have decided on a few new changes regarding Blogxygen:

1.  The Blogxygen you know and love is still alive and well, though I have switched URL's.  So, instead of coming to notaletellsall.blogspot.com, please redirect your bookmarks and Google Reader's to 

www.briesblogxygen.blogspot.com .

2.  This blog will be public, so no need to email me and ask for a request.  I am hoping for now, that since I'm moving URL's, it may help a bit with my anxiety about my blog being public.  At some point I may need to go private again, but I'll make you well aware before that happens, and we can cross that bridge when we get to it.

3.  So, this will most likely be the last post at my notaletellsall URL.  Please go check the new site for new posts, and don't forget to follow my blog, so you can get regular updates.  :D

Thanks, love you all, look forward to beginning Blogxygen's new chapter with you all.

Public Again?

Am I crazy for thinking about making Blogxygen public again?  I've been private for nearly a year, and as I'm getting into my writing again, I'm missing all the fun that a public blog was - I mean, it was so fun to get new commenters, and it was really exciting thinking about what I was going to write about.  Right now, I write, but it is mundane.  Not to insult you readers - it is just very different to have a public blog that is usually updated every day, and to get a lot of responses and feedback.

However, I still have a lot of reservations, so I'm not necessarily going to do it, just something I am thinking about.  So, pros and cons?  For those of you that still read and know why I went private, (or because of who) I'd particularly like your input as to if you think this is a good idea or not.  Thanks.

That was a Real Butt Kicker

I got my very pregnant a$$ handed to me in therapy today.   I know that I needed it, and I've already had some time to process it and look at it a little more impartially and cool down, but in the moment, I was mad.  So was my T.  And when we're both mad, she usually is the one who ends up winning.  (Because I suck at being mad.)

Basically she got angry because even though I am gaining weight, I am not following my mealplan 100% perfectly.  Like I said, I'm not not following it enough to actually really impact my weight, but I'm still not following treatment recommendations by not doing it exactly as it has been laid out for me.

So, the T basically told me that I was setting myself up for relapse when I have Baby R, and that she was "frustrated" with me and tired of playing my "eating disorder game."

Of course, I didn't know what to say to this.  In my mind, and looking at myself in the mirror, I did not think I was in my eating disorder at all.  And so then one of those awkward stretches ensued, where she just stared at me with those killer eyes, waiting for me to say something...and I didn't know what to say... I knew she was waiting for some grand apology, or for me to quickly see the error of my ways and tell her all the ways in which I was going to make things perfect... and all of that was on the tip of my tongue to say, because when it comes right down to it, I am a people pleaser, and I really dislike when people are upset with me, especially when SHE is upset with me... but I didn't want to come across as disingenuous.

So instead, I kinda just sat there.  And thought about what she was saying.  Thought about how I really felt and what was going through my dumb old brain, instead of thinking automatically about what I "should" say to smooth out the situation, just to make things better.

And as I did that...I started to cry.  A lot.  And then I finally started talking, and I know that it was a lot more real than anything else that I would have said previously, had I not let myself sit with the feelings for a bit and mull.

I cried because I realized that I have to stop freaking fighting my body and this pregnancy and all of its changes.  I think that I keep thinking that if I just get mad at my body enough, or if I resist the changes and the weight gain that comes with a healthy pregnancy, then maybe, just maybe, none of this crappy body stuff will happen.  Maybe I'll somehow be one of those rare people who can rock a baby bump with a bikini, or not get fat anywhere else on their body, except for their burgeoning belly.  For the entire six months that I have been pregnant, do you know that I have not been okay with ONE bite of food that I have put in my mouth?  Every freaking meal, I beat the crap out of myself, telling myself that I'm so gross and awful for eating, and that I'm going to get huge, blah blah blah.  AND THAT FREAKING ISN'T FAIR TO ME, OR TO BABY R.  Getting mad at myself for gaining weight while I'm pregnant is like getting mad at the sun for shining.  It is completely out of my control; something that happens naturally and is simply not something I can change, not if I want Baby R to come out big and healthy, and as it so happens, I very much want that.

So I cried and cried, and told my T (and really, myself) that I have to stop fighting this, guys.  Guess what?  I have three months of my pregnancy left, and I'M GOING TO GAIN WEIGHT.  I'm going to get bigger.  There is simply no getting around that.  So, I can either gain the weight I'm going to gain, and maybe not love it, but accept it and let it go, or I can gain the same amount of weight anyway, and agonize over every ounce and just generally make myself miserable and upset.

Maybe that sounds like a no duh discovery, but for me, this was six long months coming.  So this is me...telling you guys (and me too) that I'm going to gain weight.  As you read my blog for the duration of my pregnancy, and as you see me post pictures of myself...guess what guys, I'm going to look bigger in them.  That's just how it is.  HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

Time to let go and accept that.  Time to be okay with myself.  Time to stop fighting.

I can breathe again.

Looking Up

Thanks to the few who responded on my last post.  I appreciated it all very much.

Things have gotten a little better since my meltdown.  Brandon has been awesome about this and has been helping me brainstorm ways in which I can still write, still pursue my dreams, even while being a 24/7 stay at home mama.

Here is what we have come up with:

Bran was sweet enough to buy me a laptop - we ordered it today, will come in the mail on Tuesday.  I am THRILLED about this, not just because I've wanted my own laptop for awhile now, but so that I don't have to sit at our desktop with my back to Mila while I try to write.  Now I can cart my laptop with me everywhere I go to write - whether that be at a coffee shop, to a park, or more likely - right on my sofa, sitting with my kids.  I'm SO excited that I can have an easy way to write more readily available to me.  Brandon has a laptop, and we have iPads and a desktop, but I don't have my own laptop, and now that I do, I know it will make things more simple.  He also said that any time he is at home and not working, if I want some alone time to write, he'll scoop the kids up, no question, and get them out of my hair.

So, I'm ready to buckle down and really start getting out all the ideas for my book that are jangling around in my brain.  I'm excited to share with you guys, too, as I move forward.

Also - another tidbit of exciting news - we are getting our grass SOON!  We are putting sod down in our front yard, and hydro-seeding the backyard, but within a month or so it should all be in, and I am so so so SO happy, mostly because it will take a lot of stress off of Brandon and I.  Not to mention that the idea of my kids running around outside in grass, rather than in dust and tracking it into my house and all over my floors makes me positively SWOON.  :0  So, see?  Things are already looking up.

Also, this is a complete aside - I am thinking of restricting access from my blog to some people who requested access, but never comment, and I am not sure even read anymore.  So, if you do read, and I don't know you, please comment and let me know if you'd still like to read.  I've got 100 people reading my blog, but only like 3 commenters, so I don't really know if there is anybody reading, and if they aren't, I don't want people to have stagnant access to my blog.  So...if you want to read, and I don't know you and you never comment, please let me know so that I don't deny you access.  :)

On Dreams Perhaps Lost

I know that I probably sound like a tired old book, but I've started writing again - like, REALLY writing.  My book.  Or my pathetic excuse for a book, whatever.

I can't explain it.  Over the last several weeks, I've just felt this palpable tug to write.  I have all these ideas crowding around in my brain, practically begging to get out.  I have no idea, in the grand scheme of things, if I'll ever really publish my book.  I don't know if I'm brave enough to.  But I do know that whatever else I do in my dumb old life, that writing has to be a part of it.

So, today, after putting it off for weeks, I sat down to write.  Caden was outside playing with some neighbor kids, and I thought maybe I'd sit down for a bit at the computer and see what happened.  it ended up being this really frustrating and awful experience.  I mean, I was writing, but it didn't feel good.  It didn't feel right.  Mostly because I was just so distracted.  And it was Mila - she was being a holy terror.  She was mad I was typing and not paying attention to her, so she was crying and throwing fits and pretty much doing whatever she could to climb into my lap and get me to hold her and pay attention to her.  So I'd switch between one or two minute stretches of typing feverishly while ignoring her cries, to then picking her up and placating her for a few minutes before distractedly putting her back down and turning back to my work.  Not a very productive way to write, I'd say.

And, it hit me.  I can't write when it's just me and the kids.  Delving into my book requires too much energy and brain power, and I can't seem to divide it between that and my kids.  So I saved my pathetic start at the book, scooped her up, and dejectedly took her downstairs.  And then I just LOST it - like full on, crying and mad and frustrated LOST IT.  I wanted to write, dammit.  I wanted to do just ONE THING that wasn't about my kids, but about me.  Just one thing that didn't involve caring for them, or cooking for them, or cleaning up after them.  And I couldn't do it.

So of course, once I started feeling bad for myself, I couldn't stop.  I started to think about how I had a whole summer stretching ahead of me, and that the entire summer was going to be all about my kids, and not about me.  Call me selfish, I don't care.  I have never regretted my decision to become a mother yet, and I don't think I ever will, but I'd not be human if I didn't sometimes miss the days when I had all the time in the world to myself.  Today, I just thought, every day, every second is devoted to my kids.  I can't even go to the bathroom without Mila following me in.  And, when summer ends, and Cade goes back to school, I don't get a break - because then Baby R will be here.  And of course while I am entirely thrilled for his imminent arrival, I am also scared crazy to be a mom of 3 rambunctious kids.

So I IM'ed Brandon in quite a state.  Just vented the crap out of everything to him; I feel bad.  I got quite dramatic, I'm sure, and told him about how I was doomed to sit on my fat pregnant butt all summer for hours on end watching Spongebob because we don't have much money to take the kids on outings, nor do we yet have a yard where I can send the kids out to play.  And I told him how sad I was that I couldn't even sit down for 30 minutes to write.  I was sad.  Terribly sad.

And so now, here I am, not knowing what to do.  I am a Mother, first and always, but I also wish I could be more - or, rather, that I could be both a Writer and a Mother.  I know that I shouldn't give up, and that I can always find time to write, maybe after the kids have gone to bed, and this is true.  But it is also very true, and I will not be the first mother, nor the last, who has had to give up some grand dream with the daily monotony of changing diapers and wiping messy faces.  And yes, it's true, that in exchange for doing all that yucky stuff, I get kisses and hugs from my kids, and I get to watch Mila's naked little bum running around after her bath, and I get to look at Cade's sweet little grin with his missing tooth, I still miss More.

I miss my dreams.

And that's all I'll bombard you with tonight.  Just a heavy weight on my mind, that I wanted to try to ease a bit before I headed to bed.  Thanks for reading, friends.

I'm a Grouch Ball

Gosh I have been so grouchy lately.

I have desperately wanted to make this summer fun for my kids, but it seems that every time I try to do something for them, it ends up turning into this giant mess that isn't any fun at all.  And I feel bad, because I'm just so pregnant, and I feel like that makes me perma grouchy and uncomfortable and that sort of makes me impatient with the kids.

Yesterday I started off with great intentions; I was taking the kids to the pool for the first swim of the season.  We only lasted about 2 hours before I was HOT and impatient and sick of the kids whining when I freaking took them to the pool, so I took them home.  We got home, I fed them lunch and got them changed into dry clothes, and for some reason that I still don't get, I was just SO MAD.  I was cutting up a watermelon, well, I really should say WHACKING IT TO PIECES, and finally I just burst into tears.  Brandon happened to call me right then, and in tears I just told him I didn't know how I was going to get through the rest of my day.  He surprised me by coming home a couple hours early, and just working from home, and he promptly sent me upstairs to the bedroom where I locked my door, settled under the cool sheets with my kitties, and took a lovely nap.  That really helped.

But I just hate feeling this impatient and mean and grouchy.  I don't want to be like this.  I hope this is just a passing thing, and not something that my poor kids are going to have to endure all summer.  :(  I want to be nice!

A Little too Pregnant...

I just have to document the fact that my body is psycho and completely not obeying me.  I have become acutely aware as of the last few days of how not in control of my body I am, and how pregnancy can completely hijack an otherwise normal body and make it do crazy things.  I'm only (almost) 24 weeks and the symptoms are driving me insane.  Oh, how I am afraid for 5, 10 weeks from now...

Photo - I was bored yesterday, because I was stuck in SLC with the kids at Mickey D's, (long story) so I took a few (rather shameless) selfies.

First example:
I blew my nose and promptly peed my pants.  I IM'ed Brandon and told him this, to which he asked, "Was there more mucous or urine?"  And my reply was, "Oh, it was a definite underwear soaker," to which he very aptly and accurately replied, "YICKY."

I also have heartburn that radiates from my knees to my eyeballs.  I now perma carry a bottle of Tums around, and they are about as vital to me as my iPhone and Burt's Bees, which is saying A LOT.  Last night at about 9:30, I was lamenting to Brandon about how sad I was that I couldn't eat after 7 pm because the heartburn burns it BURNS US PRECIOUS (all in the most creepy, Gollum-like voice possible...) and I seriously feel like I'm 80, I mean I CAN'T EVEN EAT AFTER 7 PM, but then finally the fact that I'm SO FREAKING pregnant got to be too much, and I was about to start eating the book I was reading if I didn't get some FOOD IN MY BELLY, so I decided that indulging in a Sweet 'n Salty was the lesser of two evils, and that I'd just have to let the heartburn win that night.  And win it did, my friends, win it did.

Photo - still stuck in SLC.  Waiting for group to begin.

So that is my complaint for the week.  Peeing that happens at really inopportune times, (although when is peeing your pants ever opportune?) and say you know, either 27 years too late or about 50 years too early in my life, and it's not just the herculean effort of blowing my nose that gets me to pee - it's a sudden burst of laughter, a sneeze, or heaven forbid I jump on the tramp.  That'll jiggle and jostle the pee right outta me.  And heartburn - oh and the fact that I am HUGE.  My belly is a large, large vessel.  6 months, though.  I am making progress on cooking this little R guy of mine!  Oh Little Baby...you have no idea how much I am sacrificing to make you.  :)

Photo - my belluh at 24 weeks.  Big Big Thing.

But it still remains that--
pregnancy is so undignified.

Recognizing a Little Miracle

I had some amazing news today, that is really like a little miracle in my life, and I thought I should share:

Things have been tough lately, because I have been thinking and worrying that I was going to have to quit treatment with my current therapist and dietitian, because they are not covered by my insurance.  Paying for them out of pocket is EXTREMELY expensive, and we just can't do it anymore.  I have been looking for other providers, but I've been terrified, and frankly HEARTSICK about it.  I know that right now, in the middle of my pregnancy, when things are crazy and up in the air, that switching treatment teams would be a really bad thing for me to do right now.

Photo - Brandon and I went with some friends to the Taylor Swift RED concert on Saturday night.  It was amazing!  Here are a few pics:

So I talked to my therapist about all this last week, told her how upset I was but that I was afraid I had to find a new team, and she has been helping me to see what we can do to make things work so that I can still see her.

So, we started the process of filing for a single case agreement - which basically means that if the insurance were to approve a SCA for me to see my therapist, they would basically let me see her and treat her as an in network provider, for me only, even though normally, she is out of network.  My T told me that this process can take months, and it is usually only approved by constantly hassling the insurance and bugging them so much  that they finally just give in and approve it.

I was not very hopeful about this option, but it really seemed the only thing we had left to try, so I called my insurance today, told them I wanted to start the process of applying for a SCA, and I asked them where I was supposed to begin.  They told me that my therapist needed to call them and give them information about my case, and basically tell them why she was providing me with a service that one of their in network providers would not be able to do.

So I contacted her, asked her to call the insurance and do this when she had some free time.  And...two hours later, I get an email from her, telling me that the SCA got approved!!  She said that in all her years of doing this, she had NEVER had it happen so easily, and with just a simple and quick phone call.  She made quite a compelling case though, and explained that we had a long history (4 years) and that me switching therapists right now would be extremely detrimental to my recovery.

Photo - the best and I at the splash pad today, letting our kids run around and get out some energy.  We are both pregnant and soooooo hot!

But I'm just...floored.  Amazed.  I was led to believe that this would be a long and drawn out and painful process, and that it likely wouldn't pan out - and here is this wonderful miracle that happened - it was approved and happened all in the matter of just a couple hours.

I know this doesn't sound like a big deal, but this is saving us literally thousands of dollars, and I STRONGLY believe that it is going to continue to help me with my recovery.  So, I just wanted to give a shout out to God for giving me this really cool blessing today.  It's so awesome when things just work out, isn't it?  Prayers definitely answered.

Photo - Mila today, eatin a banana and watching some Spongebob.

Sessy Kitty

Well, summer vacation is officially here.  I'm glad for the more relaxing schedule, but I know that by the time school starts, I will be soooooo ready for C to be back in school.  I think Cade is finally getting old enough to do chores every day; I remember that when I was his age and all through elementary/junior high, I had to do a chore(s) every day during the summer before I could play with friends.  I think I'm going to do the same thing with him, though I swear he's being more of a butt about it than I would have dared to with my mom!  Today he had to put away his clean laundry, and after much consternation, he finally did it.  Geez.  It's not even that big of a deal - putting away a few shirts?  When I was a kid, I had to like garden and mow the lawn and crap.  He has no idea how easy he has it!

I'm a little bummed, because right now I should be in sunny St. Geezy with my mom and sisters, but had to bow out of the trip this time around because tomorrow, at 8 pm, I have an appt with Taylor that I can't miss.  An appt with the Miss Taylor Swift!  LOL I'm slightly embarrassed to admit how much I like her.  :)  Brandon and I have been planning on going to her RED concert for ages, and I decided that missing the trip was worth it.  So I'll get my adolescent angsty teen on for a night.  :)  Why not, I say!

I'm also super proud of myself, because I swear that today is like the first day in a lonnnnggggg time (longer than I care to admit) that my ENTIRE house has been clean at once.  Usually, the downstairs will be clean, but the kid's room will be a mess, or vice versa - the upstairs is clean, while the downstairs is all cluttered.  But I spent a huge chunk of my day yesterday and today getting everything all clean at once.  And it feels good!  Pry won't last long, with two little stinkers running around, but I'll bask in the cleanliness while I can.

Photo - this photo makes me laugh.  Bobbi just sat like that, for a good 5 minutes - I mean, she was practically begging me to take a photo!  I posted it to Instagram, and my favorite comment I got from it was "Draw me like one of your French girls."  Oh Bobbi, you and your desire to do porn...

Hope everyone is looking forward to the summer and has some really awesome plans happening.  I am okay, still pregnant, still need a yard, yadda yadda, just not much to say, hence this boring post, but thought I might as well update anyway.

Bye!

Big Growth

Thought I'd document a picture of me at 22 weeks:

Brandon commented last week that my stomach looked sooooo much bigger, just overnight.  I hadn't thought much about it, but when I looked in the mirror, I realized that I looked way more pregnant than I even had a couple days earlier.  Later that day we went to a BBQ, and several of my family members all talked about how big I suddenly looked!  And...I think the baby is just growing like crazy right now, because I have been super tired and I've been getting a lot of braxton hicks contractions, and feeling kind of tight and crampy.  (Not crampy like I'm going into labor, just achy and grow-y and tired!)  Anyway, I know this is my 5th (YES FIFTH) pregnancy, so I'm going to show faster and get bigger faster, but I just have to say that for only being as far as I am, I am kinda stunned that I am this big!  Kind of embarrassed I can't like say I'm 7 months to account for the hugeness, but oh well.  :)

Happy 22 weeks Baby R!

My Little Grad

Cade's graduation was awesome today.  It's funny; people talk about how they cry on the first day of school, or cry at a graduation or something, and I never got it.  I never did.  Like, why would I cry on the first day of school when Cade is going to be away from me for a few hours every day and I get a break?  I mean seriously - I just don't get it!  I love Cade, but I love breaks, too, right, so why cry?  But, I'll tell you, this graduation got me.  It all started during the program, when Cade and his classmates started singing "What a Wonderful World."  I've always loved that song; it's even on my wedding video.  I think the lyrics are beautiful and idyllic and they always give me hope.  And then, during the ceremony, as Cade was walking up to get his diploma, the teacher was announcing to everyone what each child wanted to be when they grew up.  Apparently, all Cade wanted to be when he grew up was to be like his dad.  That got me choked up too!  And as Cade was walking back to his seat, with diploma in hand, as he passed us, he just gave Brandon this spontaneous hug - a big giant bear hug, and he was grinning from ear to ear.  Caden is not much of a touchy feely kid, especially in front of large crowds, so that was completely unexpected too.  I think it made Brandon's whole year.

So I got choked up again then, too.  I just thought it was so sweet that Cade only wants to be like his daddy when he grows up, and that he would be perfectly content with that.  And that is okay with me, too - I think Brandon is pretty cool.  :)

So, yeah, the program was great.  Afterwards, to celebrate, I took Cade to McDonald's and told him he could get a happy meal AND a chocolate shake - that's a big deal around here!  Then I took him to the park and met up with my sisters, and he is playing to his heart's content tonight with his cousin, then Brandon is going to have a sleepover with him tonight and play video games (snore) with him.  So, I think he's had a good day.  :)

Cade's come so far this year, and I think that's why I was a little emotional, too.  I can't believe that my oldest is going into first grade next year...it blows me away.  I used to worry about Cade a lot; with his anxiety and social problems, but I almost don't worry at all anymore.  He is bright and sweet and social and completely acclimated.  To think how much he's changed for the better in even just a year...it stuns me.  Last year at this time, I knew that Cade was repeating Kindergarten, but I was terribly worried about him.  He hated school, would hardly participate in class, and was grumpy and anxious all the time.  Now, he is happy and carefree and the little social butterfly in our neighborhood.  All the kids flock to him to be their leader, and they all want to play with him.  He is excelling in school and completely keeping up or even surpassing all the other kids his age with his school work.  I think this move has been so good for him.  In a lot of ways I wonder if the sole reason we felt like we just NEEDED to move out here was for him.  Cade is thriving here.  And that makes me really, really happy.  :)

Love my C boy.  Can't wait to have another little man, just like him.  <3 p="">

Summer Time

It's kind of funny, because this pregnancy has both gone by soooooo fast and sooooooo slowly.  I think, though, that of all my pregnancies, this one has gone by the fastest, and I anticipate that the last few months are going to fly by even more.  It is crazy to me that Cade only has one week left of school - I swear it was only yesterday that he was once again traipsing off to Kindergarten.  Tomorrow he has a little graduation ceremony at his school, and I am SO excited to go - it means even more to me, because Lil C has worked so hard to be where he is, and I couldn't be happier that he excelled this year in school and will be moving on to first grade next year with a worry-free mom.  I anticipate taking a lot of photos tomorrow, so be on the lookout for a post to come.  Cade even told me he had a speaking part at the graduation - and he is so excited!

Not sure yet what my summer is going to hold.  I know we'll be working on the yard a ton, but really, I don't have much else planned!  I think that before I get too giant and exhausted and hugely pregnant, I want to take the kids swimming a lot, because of course I love the pool and I love the sun.  I think that by August, I won't want to waddle myself to the pool, so I'll try to take advantage of it more in June and July.  I'm sad we don't have grass yet, because I would love more than anything to be able to just send the kids out in the yard to play and to get away from my side, but alas, not yet.  Landscaping an entire yard, especially a .5 acre lot, is soooo expensive, so we're just making our way a little at a time and doing some here and there as we have the time and money.  Our HOA has given us a deadline that the yard has to be finished by the last day of September, so ultimately by then, the basics at least should be done - curbing, grass, shrubs and plants and trees, etc.

I really need a new hobby or something.  Seriously - if any of you have ideas for things I could do to occupy my time during the day, I am all ears!  Of course there is the obligatory cooking and cleaning I do each day, but especially now that summer is fast approaching and I am going to be having a lot of time home with the kids, I want to find something I can do that is fun and that occupies time and that ideally doesn't really cost much money.  Of course I have reading, and I have writing, though I'm not doing much of that now - but does blogging count? - but what else?  I wish I was good at crafting or scrapbooking or something, but it seems that whenever I try to do homemakery stuff like that it ends up looking like garbage and pissing me off!  Hum.  I am glad that summer is here and that I'll have a break from the schedules and the early mornings, etc, but I also don't want to spend the entire time in my house and all hot and grumpy because I'm bored.  Any ideas?

Anyway, I suppose that's all for today.  I am off to nosh on some red and yellow peppers dipped in a delicious cream cheese dip - my new favorite snack!  Baby R seems to want me to only eat food that is going to make me giant and clog my arteries, so I'm fighting back with at least some semi-healthy food consumption too.  Seriously, Dunford Donuts, the one with the pretty colorful sprinkles...if I could eat a dozen of you a day, I would!

Long Hair is Back

Well, my hair is long again.  The cut was great, and I know that I looked fine with it, but my hair has been long for 10+ years and I couldn't acclimate to short hair!  And I was dying not being able to put it in a pony tail - so Brandon was very thoughtful with his gift to me for Mother's Day this year, to get me hair extensions!  It was kind of fun, and I've never had them before, so I thought, why not?  And I must say I really dig them.  They are a bit more maintenance than regular hair, but I am loving being able to pull it back.  And the extensions curl easier than my regular hair, so it's been super easy to curl it, which is a huge bonus.

And, I must say they look pretty natural!  What ya think?

And, just because it's adorable, here is a photo I snapped of Mila tonight when I got home.  She tuckered out on our bedroom floor.  Adorbs!

PS - In case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to blog a ton more, so make sure you check my blog daily for updates!  :D

Change is Scary

And THAT is the understatement of the century.  I have seriously spent a good chunk of the day crying and trying not to freak out, while pretty much just freaking out anyway.  There are lots of changes on the horizon and it is scary and hard for me.  Really hard for me.

Maybe I can share more in the next week or so, as things finalize and I know more of what is happening, but for now I probably shouldn't say much.

Obviously some change can be good - moving into our house, and having another baby, and recovering from the ED - all that is awesome - but the rest of it?  DON'T CHANGE DON'T CHANGE STAY THE SAME!!!!

I hate feeling so uneasy and unsure of my place in the world and what is going to be happening soon, and how I'm going to cope.

Sorry this is sort of vague, I just needed a general place to get out some anxiety without going into detail.  Prayers/good vibes wanted.

Thanks.

Baby R in 4D

I had an ultrasound done last week, and the tech took a few really awesome shots of the man chicken in 4D.  I'd actually NEVER had a 4D ultrasound with any of my previous babes, so I was super stoked to see the little guy this way.  I actually think 3D/4D ultrasounds make the baby look really creepy, but when it's your own kid, you just tend to ooh and aah and not be like, yeah, that's freaky - at least, not quite as much.  :)

Baby R looked great in the ultrasound - his heart and brain and other organs looked perfect, and he is nearly a pound already!  He is growing perfectly on track.  I've also passed the point where I lost Kendall, so while of course there is still an awful risk of losing him, because there always is, for every woman, and the risk is a bit higher for me, since I've already lost a baby late in pregnancy, I do feel relieved that awful milestone is over.

Also, just because I'm posting about the baby, thought I'd throw in my 21 week belly shot:

"Looks like your shirt is workin' real hard there..."

I am Juno today.  Am I 10 years too old to rock the skirt/jeans combo?  :)

Halfway there, Beeyotches

 I'm in my 20th week, which means this pregnancy suckage is halfway over.  I always worry that people are going to get offended when I talk about how awful I am at being pregnant, because they may think I'm whiny or ungrateful, but I am none of these things.  I am simply human.  I have lost a baby late in pregnancy, yet even with my subsequent pregnancies, I still struggle a lot with all the side effects that every woman has to deal with when prego - the weight gain, the worry I'm going to lose the little chum, the peeing every 10 seconds, the growing pains, etc etc.  So just as a general disclaimer: even when I complain, I still love my baby and am excited for him to get here!

Halfway through the pregnancy, things with the little guy I think are going well.  I'll know more tomorrow, when I go in for my big mid-pregnancy ultrasound, but as of my last ultrasound, everything looked well - his heart and vital organs appeared to be intact and whole, and he was growing great, etc. So I am SO happy he is doing well.  Puts my fears at ease a bit.

I am so not doing this pregnancy thing well, though.  I am EXTREMELY conflicted about all the weight I've gained.  I know I shouldn't worry about it, but that's like telling snow not to melt in Hell.  I have gained A LOT of weight so far.  Granted, when I started this preg I was underweight, so this is what was supposed to happen, it doesn't make it any easier.  I HATE the way I look.  I don't mind the baby bump so much, but I would be perfectly content if the giant boobs and thighs would go away.

My lungs are actually a little better - but don't get your hopes up and think that means that they're fantastic, because that's definitely not the case either - but, thankfully, they remain in a state that sucks, but doesn't suck badly enough for some big deal medical intervention.  I hope this trend continues for the remainder of the pregnancy.  I WILL NOT go back on the steroids, so if they get bad enough, I'll be hospitalized over going on those hellish pills again.  I refuse to be put back in the awful mindset that the steroids put me in.  I seriously wanted to die.  Thought VERY bad things.

I'm glad I have treatment throughout this pregnancy.  It's been extremely helpful to have my T to guide me through all of this.  She rocks and is really supportive.

We've chosen a name for the little guy - though I think for now, I'll keep it to myself.  My top choice for a name we ended up deciding not to use, because even though it's not super popular now, I am hearing it more and more, and I'm afraid that in a few years,  every other kid on the block will share his name.  So, we went with a different choice that I seriously love more and more each day.  It's pretty original; I've never met anyone with the name before, but it's also not so weird and out there that people will laugh at his name or make fun of him.  So, for now, on the blog, I'll just refer to him as "Baby R," or "My Little Man Chicken."  :)

Wow, this update ended up being much longer than anticipated!  I'll end with a delightful picture Brandon took last night of me and my Mila chicken.  She fell asleep in my arms, and I seriously never wanted to lay her in her crib...I just wanted to snuggle that sweet little thing all night.  I love sleeping babies.

Okay, I'm out.  Thanks for letting me vent.  Don't much get to do that anymore!

Swimsuit Chic

What a sassy baby.  I want to eat her!

Ugh

Man, life has kind of sucked lately.  Remember that adorable kitten maternity shirt and peg pants I was so excited about in my last post?  Well, they both were a total fail.  Both were HUGE on me!  Dang UK sizes!  I was so disappointed.  No cute kitty shirt for me, except maybe I'll make it a jammy shirt.  But such a waste of such a cute kitten!  :(

This has seriously been the longest week ever.  I've been so blue.  Just kind of sad and quiet and kindasortaweepy...I don't know.  Been rough.  Kind of a hard spot in the pregnancy because it is around the time I lost Kendall...so I get super paranoid and worrisome.  Everything looks great still for this pregnancy, but it is still a giant worry of mine.

I am happy spring is here...and that the warm weather is hitting fast!  That helps my mood.  But we still have no grass in my yard, so if the kids go out and play, they get really muddy or dusty and track it into my house.  I just want grasssssss.  Please!  Rah!

I feel so down about the way I look.  My giant prego body, my ugly everything else...gah...I know I sound awfully boring and pessimistic!  I'm sorry - must be my giant baby hormones.

Anyway.  So, just UGH.

The Nerdiest Maternity Outfit Ever

So, I've lamented a lot this pregnancy that all my pregnancy clothes are lame and boring and run-of-the-mill and too mom'ish, and I've hated having to dress myself every morning because I always feel like I look ugly and fat and uncool.

So I've been on the prowl for some cuter, more trendy maternity clothes.  I've found some pretty good stuff at Gap; scored some purpley/blue and coral skinny jeans, and a few other shirts, and H&M has some awesome skinny jeans that I absolutely love for pretty cheap...

But I still didn't feel content...
And then I realized why...

I NEEDED A KITTEN MATERNITY SHIRT.

The hunt was on!  I finally found just what I was looking for in a UK based online store that has a TON of maternity options, asos.com.

So, this is just what I ordered:

Here's the kitten shirt,

and, to go with it, I ordered these peg leg pants.

Okay, I know, peg leg pants?  Really Brie?  But honestly, I think they're kind of cute, and I know that if I wait to get a pair until I'm not pregnant anymore, then the trend will probably have come and gone by then, and I'll never get to try my hand at dressing like MC Hammer.

So they're in the mail, and I cannot wait!  I've had my eye on this kitten shirt for awhile, and when it finally went on sale, I decided to nab it.

I have a feeling that, like 10 years from now, my kids are going to see a picture of me in my kitten shirt, peg leg pants, sportin a baby bump, and they will shriek and ask me what the heck I was doing, and be terribly embarrassed by me.  I can't wait.  :D

Picture of outfit to come...