The Pros and Cons of Pregnancy

First off, I have to apologize that my blog has gone from being this really cool life and recovery blog, to one of those lame pregnancy blogs. I promise it won’t always be this way…but truthfully, when I’ve got this freaking human being inside of me, changing my body and my entire life, it’s hard to think of much else, you know? So, do be understanding.

A few things that are awesome about being pregnant:

1. My hair! It’s beautiful! It’s long! It’s luscious! It’s LITERALLY grown like 3 inches. It’s way past my boobies now, and I can play mermaid. I love playing mermaid! (I attribute the rapid growth not just to the prenatal vitamin, but to the Boost, too. What a killer combo!)
2. Feeling baby move. At first it kinda creeped me out, like I was being abducted by aliens and PROBED or something, but now I love to feel her squirm around. It makes me smile, every time.
3. Buying baby clothes. Guys, it’s insane. Baby Girl isn’t even bigger than my hand yet, and she already has a killer wardrobe. I can’t help myself; I must stop in the infant girls’ section whenever I am at a store. And when I see the teensy tinsy little clothes, my voice gets really high, and I screech, “Look at those clothes! How cuuuute! I must purchase!” So really, it’s not my fault. I have no control.

A few (or more, really) things I do not like about being pregnant:

1. The fatness. Maybe this deserves an entire post all on its own, but I am realllllly struggling with weight gain. I think it’s because when I was pregnant with Cade and Kendall, I was so much skinnier than I am now, so I knew weight gain had to happen, and was a little more okay with it. Now, I cry when I gain weight. I really do. And I feel really insecure about my bod and it’s just rough. Most people look at my belly and guess I’m 5, 6 months pregnant, and I grit my teeth and smile and say NO, I’M 3 MONTHS. BUT THANKS FOR NOTICING. I’ve even been asked if I’m pregnant with twins. So, for someone with an ED, it’s just tough.
2. The cravings. I put this in the con category, because, well, they’re just so inconvenient! HAVING to have a sugar cookie at 3 am isn’t conducive to going back to sleep and keeping the heartburn at bay. It also isn’t conducive to Mama having a good body image day. I have craved some pretty random things, from Andes Mints to cottage cheese and canned pears, to of course sugar cookies and don’t forget the corn nuts and the Mike ‘n Ikes.
3. The appearnace of the elastic-waisted maternity pants. Ooooh! I be lookin’ HOT.
4. Heartburn.
5. Headaches.
6. Crying at everything from Mufasa dying on the Lion King to an email forward about a mouse stuck in a printer.
7. Gagging when I brush my teeth. Almost barf, every time.
8. THE SMELLS. I smell Brandon’s farts before they’ve even passed his butt cheeks, I swear.

I could honestly keep going, but I’ll stop. Ha! I don’t want Baby Girl to read this, years later, and realize what a BURDEN she was. ;) JK.  Because in reality, I’d take all this, and more, to have my sweet baby girl in my arms in 5 ½ months time.

Sleeping Med Scare

So, being pregnant, I have severe insomnia. Obviously, when I found out I had a child within, I had to go off of all the night meds that had been prescribed to me to help me sleep, and that was mostly benzos – which are definite no no’s while pregnant. So, with no meds to help me, I couldn’t sleep. It was terrible. I was taking Benadryl and Unisom together, and it didn’t even touch my insomnia. It turned me into a nut case. I cried all the time, was extremely anxious, and not coping at all. In my most extreme insomnia episode, I had gotten about 5 hours of sleep TOTAL in 4 days. I LITERALLY could not function. I couldn’t work. I couldn't watch Cade.  I could barely talk and make sense, yet I couldn’t sleep. It was really and truly one of the worst times for me.

So, my OB saw this, was really concerned, and prescribed me Ambien. I know, right? AMBIEN WHILE PREGNANT? I was nervous, but she said that once you’re out of your first trimester, Ambien is safe to take. So I’ve been taking it for about a month now, and it helps make a dent in my insomnia – well, for a few hours anyway – and I have been able to at least get enough sleep to function.

Only.
ONLY.

It makes me weird. I’m sure we’ve all heard crazy Ambien stories. I laughed at them, mostly. My favorite one entailed my uncle taking an Ambien, then “taking a dump and baking a cake” without washing his hands first. (No thanks on the Hepatitis C Cake.) My sis-in-law warned me of Ambien Eating, which I suffer from – I wake up every morning with like Skittles strewn all over the floor and a bowl of cereal on the night stand and I’m like uuuugggghhhhh this was NOT.IN.MY.MEAL.PLAN!!

And, yeah, I’ve done some funny shenanigans. The first night I ever took Ambien, (WARNING: adult content ahead) I told Brandon I wanted to go to Seattle, because they made the best dildos there, and I wanted one called the Space Needle. (Aren’t I clever??) Needless to say, I didn’t remember that conversation AT ALL when I woke up. Another night, I put on like 5 pair of socks because my feet were cold. And yet another night, I insisted that not only was Tosh.0 (if you don't know who Tosh is, I might hate you) gay, but that he was also in 3D on the TV.

But last night.
Last night took the cake. (The Hepatitis C Cake, if you will.)
I took my prescribed Ambien – a fairly low dose; and certainly not more than was prescribed to me. About 30 minutes later, things GOT WEIRD. My Ambien hit me harder than it ever has before, and I wasn’t just saying weird crap, but I was hallucinating. I have no memory of this, but my friend Dar told me that I told her I had a brain tumor and I needed to email my dietician (wait, shouldn’t I email my DOCTOR) and tell her immediately. Thankfully, she stopped me. I was also Googling absolutely weird and random things, and then I threw up. My Ambien made me sick. I then went to bed, where I hallucinated about gnomes with traffic cones in my bedroom – they were making pretty designs on my bedroom floor.

It was INSANE. What happened last night? I don’t like the way it made me feel. I don’t want it to happen again.  And while it was funny…I’m still thinkin’ I’d rather stay away from hallucinatory gnomes and brain tumors.

Has this ever happened to anyone?? Where their Ambien, for some reason or another, him them harder on a particular night than another? What should I do?
Hrrrmmm….

15.5 Weeks

For documentation purposes, here is my giant baby belluh at 15.5 weeks.  Excuse the angry look I'm giving you - Bran took the shot without me knowing, and decided he didn't want or re-take one with  me actually looking like I don't hate you.  Whatevs!
 

Hey, Girl! Big Surprise!

I’d been planning the surprise for awhile. Bran and I decided we wanted to celebrate Valentine’s Day on the 15th, the day after, because 7 years ago that day was our first date, and wouldn’t it be fun to knock out both V’s Day and an anniversary in one go?

So, earlier that day, I went to an ultrasound to determine the baby’s gender that I had scheduled without his knowledge. I’d been squirreling away 5 bucks here, another few dollars there, so that he wouldn’t notice me pay a huge chunk out of the account at once, and thus, get tipped off to what I was doing. (Elective ultrasounds are a wee bit expennnssssiiiive.)

I was thrilled to find out I am having a girl. But, no surprise, right? I mentioned in my last post that I thought it was a girl. But, it was scrumtrulescent to have it confirmed. I was so excited to tell Brandon all day; in fact I didn’t even call him that day at work because I knew that if I called him, I might get too excited and wet my pants and blurt out the surprise.

So, instead, I made him a cake. The plan was for him to cut into the cake, see that the inside layer of the cake had pink frosting instead of blue, and deduce for himself that we were having a baby girl. Only, it didn’t work out that way. I had the cake on display, right for him to see the minute he walked in from work, but literally the minute he walked through the door, Cade said, “DADDY! Wanna know if it’s a boy or a girl?” Brandon looks at me, questioning, and I shrug. I had purposely NOT told Cade he was going to have a little sister because I knew his little 4 year old brain would get overly excited and ruin the surprise, (if Mama didn’t first) but I guess I forgot to give 4 year olds as much credit as they deserve, because he can sure eavesdrop on conversations I have no idea he’s listening to, so the kid knew what was up.

Then Cade says, “Daddy! I’m so excited; I’m going to have a baby BROTHER!” And I’m like, shaaaarrrrrt. The hell? The nearest thing I could figure out is that he wants a baby brother, so he must have just told him what he was hoping for. I didn’t really know what to do, so, wordlessly, I handed Brandon the envelope full of ultrasound pictures. Brandon was sure it was a boy, but then he saw the ultrasound pics that clearly show it’s a little girl, and he was overjoyed – and, well, SHOCKED. He whipped me in his arms and kissed me like we were in some epic, classic movie. It was fun! We went out to dinner and a movie to celebrate. We held hands and kissed and we’re so in love and it feels great.  I am overjoyed to be giving Cade and Kendall a sister.

Now, we just have to come up with names. Cade is insistent on either naming her Nala (from Lion King) or D.W. (from Arthur) or Jesse (from Toy Story). UNFORTUNATELY, those don’t make my list of top 3. :)

Boy <----or----> Girl

We're fast approaching the time that our spongy little Twinkie is finally going to reveal on the whole does it have a pee-pee or a vee-vee thing.  My gut tells me it is a girl, and my pregnancy thus far has almost implicitely mimicked Kendall's - that is, to say, I've been pukey and run over by a (theoretical) tractor trailer cuz I'm so tired, and have boobs, oh those tender breasts of fire...
Craving sour things like they're going out of bitnass here on the east side, and I cry.  A lot.
And while Pregnant with Cade, life was awesome.  No boobie aches, no bigger (and softer, for hellz sake!) bras, no real nausea, nothing.  It was way too simple a pregnancy because it wasn't overly fraught with extra estrogen (shriek!  the girrrrrly hormones) that are accosting me.

So, some (well, most) think and want this baby to be a girl, because it would be so poetic and beautiful if I were to have another daugher after just having lost one...
but I don't know if I quite yet buy into that fairy tale...

It could be a boy you know.  And we already have proof that I make remarkable ones.  Stellar ones that are goofy and laugh in their sleep and play imagination and eat edamame.

I'd be thrilled to have a boy.
I'd be happy to have a girl.
Either way, I'll be scared.
Either way, I just want this baby safe in my arms in 5 1/2 months time.

So, please, vote at the top of this blog on the poll I posted.  Just curious as to what others think.

Healthy Heart

I had an appointment with my OB today. It was such a sigh of relief, seeing that little heart beating beautifully away. Between getting in a car accident last week, and then being in the hospital this week for lung complications, I was very worried about my little bub’s health. But he/she’s a trooper, because it is strong and healthy and resilient, and for that, I’m hella grateful for.

I even, on the ultrasound this morning, got to see it move its little hand up to its mouth to suck their thumb. Oh my heart it was adorable! Here’s a pic that was taken today. It’s not great, I know, and in case you couldn’t tell (because I couldn’t) the head is on the left, and its torso is toward the right. That little black blob (although, curiously enough, shaped just like a heart) is the baby’s heart, getting strong.

Things are hard.

But I have so much to be grateful for.

I’m just taking things day at a time, and mostly coping by buying fashionable maternity clothes at this adorable (and expeennnnnssssive, sorry Brandon!) boutique. I’ve decided that looking cute and wearing designer clothing makes puking in a garbage can just that much easier. Seriously. :)

Also, mostly just so you can gasp in surprise at how big I am already, is a picture that was taken on Sunday, at 13 weeks. Me getting hefty! (I think by my 3rd pregnancy, my uterus decided to give up and like explode.) But – GROW BABY GROW! :)