Blogxygen

Doing What I Need to do - Despite the Anger

2012-01-27T14:39:00.000-07:00

Heya friendcicles,

What's up? I figured I owe you an update, as I haven't posted much this week, aside from my I'mpissedateatingdisorders rant. I mean that's important and all, and I'm certainly glad I said it, but can I just say that I'm quite exhausted? Anger is a tough emotion to fight with, because it tires you out. I'm not a fan of being angry, (just ask my therapist who relishes in trying to push my buttons!) mostly because it is uncomfortable and even if I have justifiable feelings of anger at another person, or situation or circumstance, etc, I almost always turn the anger onto myself, and suddenly the anger has mutated into why Brie Sucks and Why She Deserves Bad Things. Duh, I have an eating disorder, we are the queens of Blame City. We're pro at being angry at ourselves, which only spurs the self-destructive eating disorder behaviors.

So...to be feeling all that this week, but not act out on that anger by restricting or [insert other self-destructive behavior], it's been...interesting. Good, of course, that I'm allowing myself to sit with the anger and let it pass, rather than try to numb it away by doing some stupid crap, but it's also been really hard and at times I have felt really anxious and really lousy. Right now I am feeling neither anxious nor lousy, which is good, but I'm feeling really tired and worn out. I'm so glad it's Friday, because I get a weekend to be with my family and rest and try to recuperate from some of these intense emotions I've been feeling this week. I feel utterly spent. Even sitting up and trying to type this...my head hurts and I'm so exhausted, physically and emotionally. I just want to curl up with my heated blanket and kitties and have a good, long, delicious nap. Ah, a stay-at-home mama can dream, can't she?

Anyway, I will toot my own horn a bit and say that for me to have 8 weeks of perfect compliance with my treatment goals and meal plan is amazing for me. Amazing isn't even the right word - maybe miraculous? Never thought possible, perhaps? And before, when I wasn't 100% compliant, it wasn't like a blatant F-you to my treatment team or anything, it was more me being complacent and justifying to myself that doing eating disorder behavior x wasn't a big deal, and that it was fine, etc, but I'm finally realizing that ANY eating disorder behavior - no matter how small or trite - is still just that - AN EATING DISORDER BEHAVIOR, and that right there is self-destructive and harmful, and it needs to stop. So yeah, things have been hard, and I still maintain that the month of December was maybe the hardest time I've had in a long time, but I was able to get through all that without engaging in my anorexia, and that has helped give me confidence that I can do this - that I can actually maneuver through the complexities and stresses of life without using my eating disorder as a crutch. And trust me on this - if I can do it, if the lifer who was forever doomed to have an ED can do it, then you can too. I swear!

Okay, time for me to go, I need to rest. Sorry no cute pics of the kiddos today. I'm going to be posting about Mila turning 6 months soon, so you'll get a plethora of pics then. For now, you just get my ramblings. Have a great weekend, everybody!

Cade Starts Indoor Soccer

2012-01-25T13:11:00.001-07:00

Thanks to all for your supportive comments from my last couple of posts. It's kind of cool for me to see my progression from posting about complaining about weight gain and the feeding tube, etc, to posting more meaty recovery-oriented posts. Cuz this is the stuff that really matters, you know?

Not much has been going on in my world this week. On Monday Cade started his indoor soccer league, so it was fun to go watch him play. My son is not the star of the team, but that's not why we signed him up - we did it so that he could get some self-confidence and have fun and interact with some kids his age. Anyway, it was really fun to see him progress from his first ever soccer game last fall. In that game, he wouldn't even play - said he was too scared, and eventually, when he did start to play, he wouldn't ever touch the ball. This time around, he did great. He still shies away from the ball, and isn't very anxious to get in the thick of things and score a goal or anything, but he kicked the ball 9 times (yes we counted!) and he smiled and laughed a lot, and really, that's all I care about. It really is.

We've already signed him up for spring soccer, and pretty soon here we're going to sign him up for karate. He said he wants to learn "moves like a ninja," and how can I deny him that? Really, I'm just thrilled that he is coming out of his shell a little bit and is actually wanting to try some new things. Makes my little mama heart happy.

Mila is doing well too, but I'm not going to post much about her, because I'll be posting her 6 month update in a couple of days, so I'll save it all til then. But she still pretty much rocks my world. As I speak she is conked out on the sofa and half-snoring like my cat. I love that girl!

I'm off to dietary in a few. Not even worried about it because I did absolutely everything that was asked. This whole compliance thing; what a novel idea! I actually eat and do what was asked of me! WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT THAT'S HOW YOU RECOVER???? Heh.

Okay, I'm out. This was boring, I apologize. Just wanted to brag about my boy for a bit. I'm proud of him.

It Ends with Me

2012-01-23T16:01:00.004-07:00

We've all read the research saying that eating disorders can be genetic. I'm not going to talk about the specifics of the research, because frankly, I just don't care, and also because if you haven't yet read any of it, I'm assuming you're smart enough to go to Google and search for it yourself. I haven't the patience for any links today guys, sorry.

Eating disorders run rampant in my family. Call it genetics, call it bad luck, call it a curse, call it whatever. But there's no denying that fact. Generations of eating disorders. Wives, mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, cousins. So many of us affected.

And I'm so damn tired of it.

It ends with me. I refuse. I literally refuse to pass my eating disorder onto my daughter. I won't have it.

Mila, this is me, promising today, that I will do whatever I can, with all the power I have, to keep the madness away from you. I realize this means starting with myself, and making sure I stay recovered so that I never pass mixed messages to you or lead by [bad] example. I promise, baby girl, that I won't hand you an eating disorder on a silver platter. I promise that I will live and laugh and eat and thrive so that you can, too. I promise that so much of your life will not be wasted, as mine was. I promise to love myself so that you can love yourself. I promise. I promise. I promise.

The madness stops here. Today. It ends with me.

------------
I seem angry. And I am.

But a few things have happened today that have just made me so MAD. People treat eating disorders like they're some stupid game. As if losing a few pounds or starving is going to make everything better. I stumbled (quite accidentally) upon a pro-ana blog today, and I literally felt sick to my stomach. THIS ISN'T A GAME. This isn't something that should be treated lightly, or glamorized or bragged about. On this pro-ana blog, this girl was posting "thinspiration" pics and telling all of her readers to stay strong with their starvation. Talking about how she wants to be thin "or die trying."

It made me angry. It made me angry that her readers were supporting her...not to get better, but to get sicker. That they were supporting this twisted thinking with supportive comments to stay strong and thin and that dying was preferable to being fat. Really? Holy shit.

Eating disorders are not a game, people. They're a disease. They're an addiction. I almost died from one. I know many who have. I'm just disgusted. I'm floored. I'm sad. Things shouldn't have to be this way. I fear for the world my daughter is all too soon going to enter. I really and truly am afraid. I'm going to do everything I can to make this different for her. To change my world, and hers, too.

A Couple of Funnies

2012-01-21T15:03:00.003-07:00

Hope you all have/are having a fabulous weekend. Babe and I are going to go see Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close; we haven't seen a movie together since seeing ~~that nasty sex scene that went on fooorrrreeeevvvveerrrrrr between Bella and Edward in~~ Breaking Dawn. Sad us married folk don't get to go out on dates all that often. We be muchos excited!

I came across this ecard on Pinterest last night and had myself quite the cackle. I'll admit, dear readers, that I put my kiddo in Crocs, but only because they go on super easy and because they can get dirty, etc, but if you are an adult and wear Crocs, you are giving me the liberty of mercilessly making fun of you. And that's why I was so tickled when I saw this:

Also, this cartoon had me a roarin' too. If you have kids, you'll especially relate. My favorite was "H is for Hell." (Click to enlarge and read the captions.)

Okay, I'm out. Brandon and I just spent $350 on food at Costco and the grocery store, and I need to go recover from the cost before I have a heart attack. Yes, I buy food now, and yes, I eat, but throwin' down that much money for food still blows my mind. Buying food forever! Being stingy and starving never!

PS - And can I just say that I'm stressed that Costco has stopped carrying the Iams cat food? My cats are extremely picky, and won't eat any other brand. Last time I tried buying something cheaper, Bobbi threw herself on the ground and started moaning. Yes, moaning! Brandon went straight to the comments box and wrote,
"You have stopped carrying the Iams cat food. Why???!!!!!? Our poor cats will starve if we continue to shop here!"
Hmmmph. That oughta teach them!

Finding My Voice

2012-01-20T12:57:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about my voice - you know, the impact I make on people and the impressions I leave. I don't feel I have much of a voice. Maybe even literally. In most situations I am pretty used to being in the background and not speaking much. I think in the circumstances I am more quiet, it's because I'm used to being that way, or the people I'm interacting with are used to me being that way; they just assume that Brie will not talk or contribute much, or that I don't have anything important to say.

I think that's partly why I had so much fun at Bear Lake this last weekend. When I am with those friends, I have a voice. I talk and I joke and I do silly I'm the Champion of the Rook Tournament dances that involve pelvic thrusts and the running man. I contribute to the conversation. People ask my opinion, because my opinion matters to them. It's really a great feeling.

I want that more.

I was talking a bit about this with my T this morning, and she remarked that I have quite a voice on my blog, and that a lot of people follow me. I kind of made a derisive snort, and she asked why I was dismissing what she had just said. And I told her that it's kind of pathetic to have a voice over the internet, but not in real life. And she remarked, quite simply, "Well, it's a place to start. And I know you make a difference to those who read."

And she's right. I'm glad that what I write matters to all of you. I'm glad that I've made an impact in some of your lives. I'm glad that I matter.

I guess, now, I just need to learn how to do that in my "real" life. I need to figure out how to have more confidence, and not conform to the identity that people think I should have, and just keep my mouth shut because it is expected of me, or because I expect it of myself. I want to have experiences like I had in Bear Lake all of the time. I want to feel silly and giddy and not be embarrassed to be that way in front of other people. I mean, theoretically, I want to figure out a way I can pelvic thrust my way through my whole life. ;) Know what I mean?

Well, it's a journey, that's for sure. Finding my voice after 10 years of starving it away isn't going to be easy. Back then, when I was dying, I could use my body to let everyone know how I was. People could look at me and read "I'm dying because I hurt so much," but I never could say it out loud. It's scary and tricky and just plain...odd...to actually open my mouth and form words to how I'm feeling. Even now, I mostly just do it with Brandon, but he's incredibly patient and great at helping me find the words I need to describe the hurt, just so that I don't need to hurt my body anymore to do the talking for me. Sometimes simply telling him, "Hey honey, I'm not okay," is all I need. And he envelops me in his arms and I sit with the hurt until it goes away, rather than letting it nearly kill me like it has in the past.

So, just to get a little bit of practice, I'm going to use my voice in this post today and tell you how I'm feeling. I want to say that today, I'm okay. I'm not particularly happy, but I'm not too sad, either. Just feeling really reflective. Just wanting things to change, and feeling motivated to change them. Feeling grateful I have all of you, because my T is right. Using my blog to help me find my voice is a great place to start. And you all have been so fantastic at getting me to speak up. At getting me to open up.
And I seriously love you for it.
So, thanks. :)
May we all use our voices today, instead of hurting our bodies to speak for us. Because we all have something really, really important to say.

A One Way Dialogue

2012-01-18T15:46:00.001-07:00

Am I actually admitting this?

We all say weird crap to our pets, right? Stuff that we'd be mildly horrified if acquaintances or co-workers heard us say? Not quite sure I realized this until just now, as I was lovin' on Hairy. I swear, this is exactly what I said:

Ohhhhhh HAIRY. Oh precious PRECIOUS princess! It's SO HARD bein so STINKIN PERFECT. I want to EAT YOU. I do. I want to EAT YOUR PRECIOUS PRECIOUS INNARDS. I know. I know, I KNOW, OH I KNOW. I know how hard it is to be SO SPECIAL. It's so hard being you, Hairy. SO HARD. Mama's here. MAMA LOVES YOU, OH, HOW SHE LOVES YOU. You tender tender PRECIOUS baby lover.

I seriously think I just made Hairy cry. We totally had A Moment. I'm so tender with her. What would she do with out me? I mean, I'm so validating and understanding. And, obviously, she is so PRECIOUS in return. We make quite a pair!

Workin at Optimism

2012-01-18T15:27:00.000-07:00

Been a little grouchier today. I totally woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, and I can't figure out why. As far as I can remember, nothing especially terrible has happened that would make me hella sadsy. I guess today is just a day where I need to be a little glum. HOWEVER, just since I'm trying out this whole optimism thing, I've decided I'm going to write out a list of all the good things that have happened today, to refute the bad:

1. Dietary went well. And, let's be honest, if the past is any indication, usually it doesn't. I'm totally turning over a new compliance leaf though, so hopefully I'll have many more good sessions in the future where neither my dietican or I wail and lament and gnash our teeth and rent our clothes. We learned this from the Bible.

2. After dietary, I stopped in the waiting room to change Mila's diaper; girlfriend was eeking pee. Apparently I forgot to throw the diaper away, because on my way home, I got a call from my therapist. Her first words to me were, "THANKS FOR THE PRESENT YOU LEFT ME," and I immediately said "DAMMIT!" because I knew right away I must have forgotten to throw away Mila's diaper, it hit me just like that. We laughed about it, and then hung up. Why is this a good thing, you ask? Because when I looked down at my caller ID and saw my therapist was calling me, I started to freak out, you know, something like ohmygoshwhatdidIdonowIdidsomethingwrongbutIdon'tevenknowwhathelpmehelpmeshoooooot. Because it's not like my therapist calls me all the time, just to laugh. So naturally, I panicked. Never mind I couldn't think of anything I had actually done wrong. I may be trying to be optimistic, but panic is still quick to set in! ;)

3. My mom is picking up Cade from school and taking him to the aquarium with some of his cousins, so this leaves me lots of time to ~~clean the house and be super productive~~ watch the Animal Planet. HOW does the Animal Planet manage to keep creeping up in my posts? I'll tell you why. It's the START OF AN OBESESSION.

A super flattering angle for her

4. My cat (Bobbi, and here's a pic just to refresh you) just ate a bandaid wrapper. If I let her, she'd eat almost anything, alive or dead, edible or just plain weird, you know, like a bandaid wrapper. She wanted to sniff it, so I let her, but I didn't think she'd actually snag it from my hand with her claws and chow it down. She even got territorial about it when I tried to take it from her, and keeping her from eating a weird wrapper is just not as important as keeping my finger. Bobbi won this battle, oh, she won. ...Just goes to show you that people aren't the only folk to struggle with ED's. Bobbi has a problem. We mustn't laugh, it's serious!

Sigh. I really need to clean, and I've been thinking about how I can make this an optimism thing, but cleaning just doesn't make me happy, guys. It just doesn't. Sure I love a clean room just as much as the next person, but I hate how hard it is to actually get there. But I will nonetheless push aside the keyboard and go do my domestic duties. Have a great day, ya'll!

Holy Rambly

2012-01-17T11:17:00.002-07:00

One thing I've tried to do with the new year, new January thing, was to blog more. And I have. A ton more than I normally do. But I forgot how hard it is to actually think of things to blog about when you're posting nearly every day. I always have thoughts skitter across my brain, and I think, "I need to blog about that!" but then, when it comes time to blog, I usually can't remember what it was I was even going to write about. So, if my posts are boring or rambly, I apologize. I'm just tryin to do my thang.

I woke up at the unholy hour of 9:30 a.m. today. Guys, I wanted to die. I really did. I could barely peel my eyes open, and my mom was trying to incentivize me out of sleep with some quinoah. Don't know what that is? Oh, don't worry, I didn't either until this morning. Apparently it's some wheat-y thing from Peru that kinda tastes like oatmeal. And I'm like, really Mom? You want to lure me from the sweet slumbers of sleep with weird wheat? Why not some pancakes or even better, crepes? Or maybe a colorado omelette? But, begrudgingly, I woke up and ate my latin oatmeal. But it was rough!

Though, I'll give you that with waking up earlier, you definitely have more time to do really important things like search TMZ's website and blog and I guessssssss clean. I finally unpacked our suitcases from Bear Lake, so that's good. Maybe I'll even shower. Who knows what miracles will occur today from waking up at a normal time like a normal person!

You guys, I'm having some serious problems with watching the Animal Planet. Specifically, I can't stop. I don't flip on CNN when I'm bored, or even E!, or better yet, re-runs of Oprah. Nah, I flip to the good 'ol AP. And, before a few years ago, I wouldn't even have considered myself an "animal person!" But EVERY SHOW on the network utterly fascinates me. I already waxed poetic about My Cat From Hell, but what about Cats 101/Dogs 101? Or It's Me or the Dog? Or the winner for Grossest of them All, Confessions: Animal Hoarding? Butbutbut what about Big Cat Diary? And Fatal Attractions? Guys, I have a fever. And the only prescription...is more ~~cowbell~~ Animal Planet. Help! (And no, Animal Planet is not paying me to endorse their network, though that would have been freakin sweet. I'm just feeling generous today.)

You know what's cool? I've followed my mealplan PERFECTLY for going on 7 weeks now. This may not sound like a big deal, but guys, it is. It way is. I haven't had 7 weeks of straight compliance since well, probably ever. And it's really cool because yeah, I'm not super thrilled with my body, and yeah, I wish it were a bit smaller, but I'm not completely freaking out and obsessing about it like I used to when I was more enveloped in the ED. And I'm also finding out that I can eat A LOT (my mealplan is monstrous) without gaining any weight. That gives me confidence that I can eat some of my fear foods too, mostly desserts, with out getting huge. So that's definitely a positive that I wanted to take a sec to brag about. :) Food forever! Starving never!

Time for me to go I think, since this post was neither cohesive or especially interesting, and if I let myself, I think I could go on forever. Have a great day guys, I heart you and I totally approve of this message!

Trip Recap

2012-01-16T15:52:00.000-07:00

Hello all! I am back from my weekend getaway, and let me tell you, it was absolutely fabulous. You might not think being holed up in a cabin for several days would be fun, (couldn't really go outside; it was so cold I'd have frozen my bajina off) but it was! We played gazillions of games and laughed and cooked and ATE A LOT and had lots of time for some really fun and serious and even scandalous conversation. Thanks so much to Brett and Ang for inviting us up for the weekend, and to everybody else for making it so freaking fun. :)

Notice I have not posted any pictures of said weekend getaway. I took ONE picture, and it was of my twin sportin some rooster hair. You wanna see it? Okay! I'll post it. I'm a giver, that's what I do:

BaGOCK!

What else? Mila did great on the drive, which is a relief. On the way there she cried for maybe 30 minutes, but it wasn't like a full-on wail or anything; I'd say it hovered more in the whiny range, which I can totally tolerate. On the way home, she didn't cry at all - slept the whole time, it was sweet. Cade only asked "are we there yet?" about 854 times, so that was okay. Winning, I say.

I fear, though, that my cats suffered terribly without me. I mean they had food and water and stuff but not LOVE. They were all over my person last night when I got home, it totally made Brandon jealous, but they needed to fill up their love buckets. Hairy has a particularly large love bucket, and can't quite seem to get enough. As I type this, she's lounging on the desk in front of me and her paws are resting on my hands. Maybe you could even say we're holding hands. How tender.

Speaking of cats, have you seen that show on Animal Planet called Cat from Hell? Jog, DO NOT WALK, to your TV, and Tivo that crap. It has a cat whisperer in it! A CAT WHISPERER. And he is large with many tattoos and funny facial hair. I giggle when I look at him. It is sooooooo good, and I promise if you hate cats, it'll make you hate them more, and if you love cats, you'll be like just so grateful that the cat you own couldn't possibly behave as badly as these little hellions. I'm hooked, I can't stop watching. When I grow up I want to be a cat whisperer. I mean, I already whisper sweet nothings into my cat's ears, but I'm thinking that might not quite be the same thing. Hum.

This post might possibly be the most pointless ever. Whatever, I'm going to go eat a sandwich now. Byesies!

Middle of the Night Ramblings

2012-01-13T06:43:00.002-07:00

It's the middle of the night (6 am qualifies as the middle of the night for me) and I am awake. I've been awake for a couple hours actually, and I think I just have too much on my mind to fall asleep. Maybe barfing it all on my blog will help me catch a few more zzzz's before I have to wake up and start my day.

Group last night was really interesting. I'm glad I went, though it wasn't a particularly easy group to get through. I think I'm pretty sure I'm leaning toward staying. My group gals were great at giving me some insight and helping me figure out why I want to quit, and I think I worked through some of that, so I'm hoping that from here on out things will get better and easier. I'm making a commitment to myself to engage more actively in group and to speak up and participate more. I think doing that, in and of itself, will help tremendously. So we'll see.

We're leaving for Bear Lake today around noon, just after I get done with therapy. I did get some packing done last night (thank goodness, right?) but I still have quite a bit that I need to get done. We're only going to be gone for 3 days and 2 nights, yet I have to pack like I'm a freakin' pioneer and like I'm never coming home again. Do you know how much luggage is required for a 5 month old baby??? I mean, there's the clothes, and then the extra clothes in case she pees (or poops) through her outfit, then there's the diapers, bottles, wipes, formula, not to mention her portable crib and her play gym and her doorway jumper. Then Brandon is packing a huge computer screen thingy for Cade to watch movies on, I'm bringing 100 bucks worth of pure, unadulterated, JUNK FOOD, not to mention Cade's toys and clothes, and then, to top it all off, we have to pack for us, and winter clothes so we can play in the snow by the lake. Also, do you know how many electronics we're packing? Heaven forbid I go without my iPad for 3 days (but I won't do it so don't make me you can't make me I'm bringing it). Phew. I don't even want to THINK of how much it's going to suck to have to unpack all this crap. Suck.

Well, not much more tired now than I was when I started this blog. Guess I'll whip out the old SVU re-runs, that's always good for a yawn. Have a great weekend guys, I don't think I'll be blogging, but I'll be around via Facebook, so if you need to get in touch with me, that's probably the best way to do it. I have my cell phone, but the service is notoriously bad at the cabin, so that may not be all that reliable. Have fun at home, bitches, while I'm off frolicking at the Lake that is Bear!

Procrastination

2012-01-12T13:12:00.000-07:00

I have so much to do before we leave for Bear Lake tomorrow morning, and instead of actually doing any of it, I am a) writing lists about what I need to do, but not actually doing anything, (so far I am up to 5 separate lists) b) lazing around the www, c) drinking copious amounts of Diet Coke, and d) getting anxious.

None of which is really helping.

I'm just a giant lazy slug that needs to get up and start moving! But I have no motivation. Why can't Brandon go grocery shopping and pack the kids' clothes? Why can't Brandon vacuum the house? Why can't Brandon take out the garbages? Oh yeah, because I've already written a separate list for him to do, which involves all the grody stuff I don't want to do, like cleaning out the car, changing the litter, and washing the dishes. He loves me so he does these things. Also because I blackmail him with no sex if he doesn't. (That last part may or may not be true.)

I always get anxious when I leave town, even for a short trip. Don't get me wrong, I want to go, very much, and am looking forward to it, but there's always that little bit of anxiety I feel about not being in my comfort zone and sticking with my regular routine, etc. Also, I'm not much of a social butterfly, and there are going to be 8 other couples there, 2 of which I don't know at all, so I hope that I don't get overwhelmed and get too quiet, like I tend to do in large groups of people. Hmmmm.

Okay, better bounce. Whit just walked in the door and we're dragging our lazy butts to Noodles for some noodley deliciousness. Wish me luck getting all this crap done!

The Door Jumper, Dietary, and Melatonin

2012-01-11T15:02:00.000-07:00

We bought Mila a doorway jumper, and it's the best money we've ever spent - I get 30 minutes at a time to like be free and be my own woman and get things done without her crying to be picked up. I swear, when she's chillin on a blanket and I'm trying to clean, her weepy little eyes follow me around the house and she is judging me for not giving her enough attention - totally disconcerting. But this has been a lifesaver because she loves it. And she looks pretty darn cute in it, too. :)

Saw my dietician today, and it went well I think. I've been really consistent with my mealplan for about 6 weeks now, so we are finally going to start working on other things than my compliance (or lack thereof). I mean, gosh, it only took me 2 1/2 years to comply; I think this qualifies me as a fast learner??? At any rate, we're going to start tackling body image stuff and intuitive eating stuff too, though that really scares me. The very phrase, "INTUITIVE EATING," gives me the shivers, and I can't quite pinpoint why. I guess to me it just coincides with weight gain and other not so fun stuff, but I know that was in the past and in my ED brain, so hopefully this time around things will be different. So, hopefully I can make progress with some of this crap. About time, I say.

I asked on Facebook yesterday what other people thought of Melatonin; as I've started taking it about a month ago and haven't really noticed it working very well yet, though I hear it takes 3-4 weeks to really take effect. Well, as of last night, I think I just may be a believer in this Melatonin Thing. I took it, and about 20 minutes later, I was soooooooo tired. In fact, I crawled into bed, and usually I'm happy to talk to Brandon for a few minutes in the dark, just to wind down, but this time, every time he asked me a question, inside I was like REALLY? I'M SO TIRED, STOP TALKING OR ELSE I'LL MURDER YOU, but on the outside I just murmured uh-huh, nuh-uh, and hmmmm, in the hopes that he'd get the hint that I didn't want to talk if I didn't, in fact, use any actual words.
He didn't.
But I did fall asleep more quickly than I have since I've been off all my hardcore sleeping meds, and maybe it was the Melatonin? I hope so! It'd be such a nice change to have something simple and all natural work for me, rather than resorting to sleeping meds that could knock out Shrek and his giant green balls.

Okay, that does it for now, I got nothin' else. Peace out, friendcicles.

Doin' Better

2012-01-10T15:57:00.001-07:00

Thanks to all who commented on my last post - to have support given and ideas for how to better manage my anxiety thrown out there really meant a lot. This is why I blog! Because of da love. :)

Well, my anxiety has significantly decreased since last night, and I think I know why. During dinner last night with the parentals, out of nowhere, in the middle of chewing my food, I said, "I'M HAVING A LOT OF ANXIETY." ...And then proceeded to tell my parents about how crippling the big bad A has been for the past few weeks, and about how group is causing a lot of anxiety in particular. My parent's mouths dropped open in shock; their masticated hamburger rolling around in their mouth. Because I don't talk. At least, not about anything real. I'm so closed off, and to randomly start yammering on about my anxiety shocked the hell out of them. (Okay maybe the masticated hamburger part was a bit of an exaggeration! ;) But...to get my anxieties out of me, and to explain it, really helped. I think it was getting so big and so scary in my head, but to put it out on the table and get a rational person's opinion really helped A TON. Opening up forever! Anxiety never! So between you guys and my parents, I'm feeling like a whole new gal. The anxiety is still there, yes, but it's not completely consuming me like it was before.

Well, tomorrow it's back to dietary I go. I haven't been since mid-November because my dietician went on maternity leave. Instead, I've had to get weighed twice/week by my therapist, and let me tell you, that was a TREAT. I know she knows my weight anyway, because my D tells her, but for some reason to get weighed by her was mortifying. Plus, she's sort of, like, a killer. A killer dietician. She put me through dietary bootcamp, and while it was good for me, it was tough! So I think I'm okay with going back to see my old dietician. Not excited about the extra cost every month, but recovery is expensive, and I figured that out and stopped whining about it a long time ago. At any rate, I hope it goes okay. If anything significant happens, I'll tell ya'll, of course.

I'm going to group this week as well, so I'll also definitely do some reportage back to you guys on how it goes in relation to my anxiety. I wish I could divulge juicy group stories, but I can't because that'd be breaking confidentiality and I might be lynched. And I'd deserve it, because confidentiality is super dee duper important!

This weekend Brandon and the kids and I are heading to Bear Lake to spend a few days with our friends. Should be really fun; I'm quite looking forward to it. This will be the first time we've ever traveled with Little Chica, so it'll be interesting to see how that goes. It's only a 2 1/2 hour drive though, and we're purposefully leaving during her nap time, so with luck she'll sleep the whole time. I hope to take lots of pictures and report on how it goes.

Okay, time for me to bounce. I have laundry and picking up to do, plus for dinner tonight I'm tackling tostadas, so I need to do some prep for that. Look at me being all domestic goddessey!

Big Bad Anxiety

2012-01-09T16:35:00.001-07:00

I've always, for basically as long as I can remember, had anxiety. And in fact, even before I can remember, my mom tells me stories about how anxious I was. For example, every Tuesday when the garbage man came, I would hide under her bed because I was afraid of the loud noise of the truck, but also that he was going to kidnap me. What 3 year old worries about being kidnapped?? Seriously? My twin, Brett, would race to the window to watch the truck tip the can full of garbage, while I sobbed under the bed. Or, on the 4th of July, while all of my siblings were enjoying watching the fireworks, I was hiding underneath a blanket crying because the loud pops they made terrified me.

So, dealing with anxiety...yeah, it sucks, but I'm used to it. But the level of anxiety I've been experiencing over the past few weeks feels above and beyond even what I normally experience. WHY must I incessantly worry about a future where, in many circumstances, I have absolutely no control over? I can't get the thoughts to leave my brain...they just race and race and race and I feel so exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

The physiological response to this anxiety is driving me nuts. I have elevated blood pressure, and my heart rate is chillin in the 130's. This may be TMI, but I have terrible diarrhea. I'm shaking and fidgety and restless and I don't feel I can focus.

Obviously, my anxiety is a little outta control. Obviously something needs to change, maybe I need a change in meds. I'm just so TIRED of med tweaks...I'm tired of nothing helping. Or, I'm tired of being drugged senseless by too many drugs - I can't even afford to do that now anyway, because I have 2 kids that depend on me everyday, and I can't sleep through the day - it's not like they'd let me, anyway. So I don't know what to do.

I talked a bit about this in therapy today, and I'm going to try some of the basic stuff, to see if that helps. Relaxation tapes, talking about it more in therapy and to My People, deep breathing, stuff like that. I used to scoff at such ideas; I used to think that the only way my anxiety was going to be controlled was if I popped a Xanax or two, but that thought process is most definitely changing. Sometimes the little things make all the difference, and I'm hoping it can help manage some of this anxiety.

One thing that is giving me a tremendous amount of anxiety is group. Specifically, I still can't decide if I should quit or not. The three people whose opinion I care about most - Brandon, my mom, and my T - they all think I should give group another shot, and then 90% of you that commented said the same thing...so I'm inclined to trust all of you, and give it another shot, but the anxiety fall-out from all this is wicked bad. I will admit that a part of me does want to give it another shot, yes, but a bigger part wants to run away - onlyonlyonly - that's EXACTLY what I'd be doing - running away. And I worry that if I run away from group just like I've run away from so many other things in my life, that I'll grow to regret my decision and be angry with myself. So I'm desperately trying to change these old behavior patterns, but it's so so so hard.

So that's where I'm at. Anxious. Obviously. But making it okay?

Hail to the Pants

2012-01-08T16:24:00.002-07:00

I took this pic of Mila yesterday and about died - I love everything about it, from the smile hiding behind her binky to her flowered print pants I just bought from Baby Gap. I suppose this makes her a keeper? Although, think about how much $$ I could get for selling her on the black market? Kick A baby with blue eyes, dimples, and long eyelashes? Hmmmmm. Tempting thought, but no. :)

Goodbye to Group Therapy?

2012-01-06T14:37:00.001-07:00

I'm having a wee bit of a condundrum, so I thought I'd toss this out to you Blogxygeners and see what you think. All opinions and thoughts are welcome!

So, I've been going to group therapy for a little over two years now; I know that I've mentioned it a time or two on my blog. The group is led by my therapist and it is an eating disorder support group. Group therapy has been a huge rollercoaster for me. At first, I hated it. LOATHED IT. I dreaded group every week, and I mostly only went because my T made it a requirement that I go, because she thought it was really important I learn to open up and work on my social skillzzz. Fair enough, so I went. And then, slowly, group got easier for me. I opened up more and participated in group and started to develop friendships with some of the other members, and I still love them to death, and some of them I'm still very good friends with. During this time I really started to emerge as a group leader. I looked forward to group, and I always felt really great afterward.

And then something started to happen, oh, maybe 6ish months ago. I started to regress in my group experience - I started to get really quiet again, and didn't participate much. I felt really anxious in group, and I usually left feeling really crappy. I don't feel like I've gotten much out of group for quite awhile now. I go because I know I should and because I committed to it, but I could be the freaking doorknob in group, for all I add to it. I'm there, hey, you can look at me jiggling my foot a million miles a minute and chewing my nails apart, but that's about all I'm good for.

So for the past 2 months or so, I've gotten really serious about questioning if group is something that I should continue doing. And I've been torn. So I finally worked up the courage to talk to my T about it, and I told her basically everything that I've said so far in this post - that group used to be great for me, but that it doesn't feel that way anymore, (Why though? I don't know!) and I usually feel worse afterward, and what should I do? And this is more or less what she said:
She believes that group can still be helpful for me, but only if I work really hard at it. She says that with how long I've been in group, she expects me to be a group leader, and speak up more and participate more. She said that she still sees me, in my "regular" life as someone who is more or less a doormat, and who doesn't usually speak my mind, and sometimes to my detriment. She still thinks group therapy could be helpful if I was willing to be assertive and speak up in group, because that would help teach me and give me practice to do that in my real life. But, if I'm not willing to do that in group, then she agrees with me that group is basically not helpful for me anymore, and I should be done. She is completely leaving the decision in my hands.

And, I don't know what to do. The bigger part of me wants to quit and just brush my hands off and be done with it. But...if I do that...am I running away? Am I not taking an opportunity to learn more about myself and really grow and change some things about my day-to-day life that I don't really like? (I mean who likes being a doormat?) Or should I just call it quits because 2 years is a long time to be in a group, and think that I will learn to talk more and open up more and be assertive in a different setting, maybe with individual therapy?

I don't want to squander this potential opportunity to change and grow, because the truth is, I really do wish that I was more assertive and more open. I'm a pretty quiet and withdrawn person, and sometimes I wish I could get out of my isolation and speak up, especially because I get walked all over all the time. But...if I haven't yet learned to do that yet with 2 years of group, maybe I won't ever learn. I don't know?

I'm honestly so confused. When I talked with my T about this earlier today, I told her I was just going to think about it awhile before I made any decisions. And I feel so stuck. Breezy has no idea what to do.

Addendum: I was just about to publish this post, when Brandon called. I talked to him about all this, and he thinks I should continue group with this whole trying to be a group leader thing and see how it works out. I'm inclined to listen to him, but I still want all of your opinions!

PS - the photo of Miss M and I has nothing to do with the post, obviously. Just thought it was cute. :)

Has a Nice Ring to it

2012-01-05T12:02:00.001-07:00

My good friend - and Blogxygener - Brianne sent me this pic yesterday. Apparently this store is in Idaho Falls, just a few minutes from her house. She snapped a pic because she knew of course that I would adore it.

A store named after my baby! How perfect. :) And if I do say so myself, Mila is quite couture. Take a gander for yourself. :)

Babies Don't Keep

2012-01-04T16:35:00.007-07:00

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

Read full poem here.

I love this poem. It really speaks to me, and it reminds me to hold onto Mila a little tighter because soon she'll be like Cade, scampering off to school with his too-big-backpack and making new friends that aren't ME. I miss the days when he used to snuggle with me and need me in a way that he no longer does. I know of course my 5 year old still needs me, but they grow up so fast...as I'm learning. Also, this poem comes in handy when Brandon asks me why I haven't done the laundry. Whipping out an answer like "Because I'm too busy loving my daughter before she grows up so LAY OFFA ME" is kinda hard to talk back to, am I right?

Babbling On

2012-01-04T12:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it took 4 days, but I'm finally onboard with this whole new year thing. I was worried 2012 was going to suck, but methinks it could be pretty rad. This is the year that Brandon will graduate, (only took him a decade - but LOVE YOU BRANDON!) and the year we buy our own house. All good things, yes?

And I've also decided that today is going to be a good day, despite the fact I was rudely awakened at 5:53 this morning by my cat retching at my bedside. Stepped in it this morning too, all squishy between my toes. But I let it rolllllll off the old shoulderoos; washed my puke-soiled foot, and cheerfully woke up much earlier than I have been lately. My house is clean, (relatively) Cade is ready for school, Mila is napping, my cats are (thankfully) not puking at the moment, and I have a cold Diet Coke by my side. How could this day NOT be okay?!

And, can I just say that you guys are rad? If you knew me in real life, (most of you don't) you'd probably view me as this relatively cheerful person who was somewhat quiet that keeps mostly to herself. And it's true - I'm kind and I'm polite, but unless you reallllly know me, you know that I don't offer much information up about myself, and I more or less keep to myself. And, usually, I'm okay with that. It's only after I have an outpouring of kindness and love from you guys (like after my last post) that I am left thinking, wow, maybe I do need more people in my life. Because the kind comments that you all left, when I hadn't even met the majority of the people that commented, just blew me away. It left a huge smile on my face after I read each comment. It made me ache (but in a good way) and it made me realize I need more people in my life that I can talk to, and I need more moments where I am real and open. Doing that is scary because it makes me feel so vulnerable, but I think it's also really really good for me, too. So thanks for helping me guys. You are way cheaper than therapy! ;)

By the way, last night my meat loaf was a smashing success. I even "cooked" baked potatoes, and if you can believe it, I've never done THAT before. I'm not joking, I can microwave things like a wiz, and I can cook, like, grilled cheese and maybe put soup on the stove, but that is where my culinary talents end. And, it's not like I wasn't given an opportunity to learn, as a kid, (and even adult) my mom has asked - nay, begged - to teach me how to do that kinda stuff, and I always politely decline. I just have ZERO interest in cooking. But I also know I'm kind of, like, a wife and mom, so maybe I should try to learn to cook some things...so...I'm trying. New year, new me, right? Maybe? Meat loaf Brie?

Now I'm just babbling. Time to get the kiddo to school, anyway. Hope ya'll have a great day. Sorry no cute pics of the kiddos today. Saaaaaad. Tomorrow's post for sure, I'll add new pics!

Well said, my boy, well said.

2012-01-03T15:49:00.000-07:00

Last night, Cade knew I was really glum. So he said, "Mom, I have something really important I need to tell you. It is that you are super pretty and you make the bestest baby girls ever!"

and then

This afternoon, after I picked Cade up from school, we stopped at the grocery store to buy some ingredients for dinner (I'm tackling meat loaf). Cade saw a shiny red corvette in the parking lot, then asked me, "Mommy, how come you don't have a corvette?"

To which I replied, "Ask your dad."

He paused for a while, then said, rather thoughtfully, "Daddy's cheap, huh?"

LOL. That's my gem for the day. :)

New Year's Reflections

2012-01-03T13:31:00.000-07:00

Thanks for bearing with my post yesterday. I needed to vent, to be sad, to mourn a little I guess.

I've been reflecting on December 2011, and boy guys, it wasn't a good month. It's been really hard. Due to some really crappy things that happened, my depression got pretty bad. My anxiety felt out of control, and when I say that, I don't say it lightly. At all.

I've been doing a lot of hiding in my room with the kitties curled up next to me, the lights turned off, and the door shut. I've been crying a lot. I've felt lower than I have in a long time. I've been lucky, because fortunately Brandon has had a lot of time off with the holidays, so he's been there to watch the kids while I slept in until 11:30, and he was being the mama of the house and doing the cleaning and cooking while I felt sorry for myself. He's been amazing. Stellar. I am so lucky to have him, and I probably don't tell him enough.

And I've been thinking a lot. I don't want 2012 to start out as crappy as 2011 ended. I can only wallow and feel sorry for myself for so long. I can't keep this up, I don't want to keep this up! So, though I am no New Year's Resolutioner, I have decided that I'm going to at least do a few things a little different. I'm going to set my alarm and wake up sometime before that of a lazy high-schooler with no responsibilities. I'm going to start cleaning the house, or at least doing a little cleaning each day. I'm going to schedule time to be with Cade each day to help him with his homework and love on him. Instead of hiding in my room, I'm going to try to be around more. I'm going to try to laugh and be in the moment more, rather than worry about the future or regret the past. I'm going to let myself have some time every day to be anxious or scared or sad or upset, because if I'm feeling that, I need to be okay with that, but I also am not going to let those emotions run rampant and rule my life. I'll feel them, then put my chin up and move on.

Although, one resolution I think I do have is to blog more. I feel pretty lonely right now. Blogging seems to help me not feel so isolated. So, thanks for reading, even when my posts aren't so fun or ridiculous. Sometimes I just need to be serious, and to be honest. Today is one of those days.

A Hard Day to be a Mother

2012-01-02T19:05:00.000-07:00

There are some days where being a mother is hard. Really hard. Today is one of those days. Cade has hardly stopped crying all afternoon. He is whiny and upset and neither me nor Brandon seem to know what to do to help him. I sat and tried to do his homework with him, and all he did was cry and say he couldn't do it. It's been very frustrating. We just tried to have FHE and Cade wouldn't look at us or pray with us or sing the opening song. He wouldn't listen to the lesson, instead hid under a blanket.

I put my head in my hands and cried. I'm still crying, even now.

Because my little boy is scared and insecure and terribly obstinate to authority. Because he doesn't seem to be okay and I don't know what to do. Because I'm terrified that I've made him insecure because I am, too. Because he's so sweet and beautiful and charming, yet he doesn't let anyone see it - instead he's angry and intense and bitter toward people.

What did I do wrong? How do I fix it? I wonder if Cade will read this blog post 15, 20 years from now. I wonder if he'll blame me for the little flaws he struggles with. I hope, instead, that if he ever reads this, he'll instead know that I love him and wish I knew how to help him. I hope he'll know that I tried. I don't know what else to do.

It's been a hard day.

Happy New Year's and a Holiday Recap

2012-01-01T17:39:00.001-07:00

Happiest of New Years to you all. I hope everyone had a fun and safe holiday season. To recap, my Christmas was great. Brandon and I didn't give much to each other, but Cade absolutely adored his presents, and I had so much fun watching him open up all his presents. The dreaded shark blimp went over well, I think. Brandon and Cade loved nothing more than scaring the crap out of me with it. I never knew when I was going to turn around to find a giant shark face all up in my grill, and not far off, I'd hear Brandon and Cade tittering while working the remote control that moves the shark. What a hoot, guys, I love being scared out of my mind by a silent, stealthy shark that's bigger than me. Awesome. I won't be watching Jaws anytime soon, that's for sure. :)

New Year's Eve was okay too, though I'm usually so sick to death of holiday stuff, that by the time New Year's comes around, I'm just ready to go to bed and wake up to a new year and get back to my routine. Holidays are fun but I'm just plain holiday-ed out by now.

I got to see my sister and her family though, here from Colorado, and I also got to see my sis-in-law and her kiddos, while my brother is stationed in Honduras, so that was awesome to spend time with them. That's probably why holidays are best - to see family and loved ones that you haven't seen in awhile.

Anyway, sorry I've been kind of quiet lately - December was kind of a rough month for me, and I'm hoping that 2012 will be better. I have set no resolutions because I already know I won't keep them. Why set goals when you can low-ball? Yeah, the pessimism is coming out, so maybe I should stop here...

Hope to post soon and more often! Enjoy pics of my baby girl - I can't get enough of her.

Lil' Cupcakes

2011-12-31T17:44:00.000-07:00

My mom bought Mila and Baby Penny matching cupcake dresses from Baby Gap. Here are a few photos of the future best friends. :) (Thanks Grandma Penny!)

Stressed About Swelling

2011-12-27T20:07:00.001-07:00

Hey, have a question and thought I'd throw it out to the Blogxygeners for opinions.

Remember my little tumble that resulted in a really nasty bruise and scrape? Well, almost a week later, the swelling has not gone down. And it still hurts like all hell, but that doesn't surprise me much, considering it's still bruised. But a few people today were telling me that the swelling should have gone down by now, and that if it hasn't, there's a possibility of maybe having a hair-line fracture, or something? Also, it's still incredibly sore and tender, and I'm not sure how normal that is for going on a week. So, do I go get it x-rayed? Or wait a few days to see if the swelling goes down? Or do I not do anything since the docs won't do anything about a hair-line fracture anyway?

I'm not big on going to the doc, so my first reaction is to just not go and wait for things to heal up, but if I'm like causing damage by not going, then I will. What think ya'llsies?

Love

2011-12-27T15:51:00.001-07:00

I freaking love my kids so much. The only way this picture could be better is if Daddy was in it, cuz I really really really adore him too. Quite.

Miss 5 Months

2011-12-27T15:48:00.000-07:00

My little pint-sized bean pole is 5 months old today! I can't believe she's already getting so old...it's hard for me to believe because she's still so tiny, plus she doesn't really do anything cool, so she kind of seems like a newborn to me still. But soon I think she's going to be sitting and holding things and maybe even getting a full-time job. Woo hoo! ;)

A pint sized furry vest! Oh my heart!

A few things about Mila:

Nicknames: Miss Mila, Mees, LoverPants, MK (stands for Mila Kunis), Posh Spice, Mila Bean

Mila finally rolled over a few days ago - from stomach to back. She still can't roll from back to tummy, but hopefully she'll get that soon. I was so relieved because I was worried about her IQ. ;) She is starting to seem a bit more interested in toys, but not much. So, what does she do all day? EAT. She loves her ba ba's. She also loves to blow spit bubbles. More on that later.

It was so fun having Mila here for Christmas. I remember last year at Christmas, I had only found out a few weeks prior that I was pregnant, and it all seemed so surreal...I was already morning sick, but other than that, it seemed so hard to believe I actually had a baby in my belluh, and because I'd lost Kendall, I was really doubtful that I'd even have Mila - I was pretty convinced that something would go wrong. So to have her here...it was such a delight. It really was. She of course had no idea it was a holiday, but she smiled and dutifully looked fantastic in her Christmas outfit. Good girl!

Mila is a champ sleeper. She rarely wakes in the night. In fact, Christmas night she slept from 10:30 pm to 10:30 am. I honestly think it was her Christmas present to me. And I loved it! She's a much better sleeper than Cade ever was, and I'm so grateful for that. By 1 years old Cade wasn't even sleeping through the night...it was rough. So this has been a fun surprise.

Mila is a massive spitter. It's gross, seriously. She soaks her shirt within an hour of wearing it. I can't decide if she's teething...I see no evidence of it yet, and she's not acting like she's in any pain, but the drool situation is a little out of control, and not very becoming for a little lady. Oh wellsies.

Anyway, I love my lil chica. Can't believe she's growing up so fast!

Deck the Halls with Scrapes and Bruises

2011-12-23T19:09:00.000-07:00

Took a little tumble yesterday. I was walking down a flight of stairs and whammo - before I knew what hit me, I was down. I didn't even know it was icy. Poor Mila was in her car seat, so while she was jarred and scared out of her sleep, she fortunately wasn't actually hurt. Unlike my arm. And my back. And my butt. And my dignity.

My mom and I thought I might have broken my arm at first, but thankfully nothing so scandalous happened - just a really big abrasion and a hella nasty bruise that hurts like a freaking mo fo.

Merry Christmas to me!

I'm Rather Fond of Him

2011-12-20T23:02:00.000-07:00

A Pre-Christmas Update!

2011-12-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

One of my dear readers so lovingly gave me a kick in the arse and told me to update because she was DYING without my blog. I seem to have that affect a lot on people. ;)

So, just for you, here's an update:

Things are okay. I am indeed doing better than I was in my last post, as cryptic as I may have been. And, nope, sorry, still not ready to really talk about what happened, but it's safe to say that the worst is definitely behind me, and I'm super dee duper grateful for that.

I can't believe Christmas is in, like, A WEEK. Sweet sassy frassy, I still have a TON of shopping to do. I always think I have plenty of time, until suddenly, I like don't, and I start scrambling around, trying to get everything done before the big day. It's sufficient to say I am officially in Scrambling Mode. Also, I'M SELFISH. I went to the mall yesterday, intent on buying my remaining gifts...only to be waylaid by Buckle and their beautiful Rock Revivals. I won't tell you the shameful things that went on there, let's just say though, MERRY EARLY CHRISTMAS TO ME!!!! Woops.

Anyway, so aside from my selfishness and my need to get more on the ball and shop, I am excited for Christmas. I LOVE the holidays having kids, because Cade is SO EXCITED for Christmas, and his excitement is infectious. He has sat on Santa's lap twice, and once he asked for an iPad (crap) and the second time he asked for, well...he asked for a shark blimp. I wasn't sure of what it was, until I found it on Amazon - it is indeed an inflatable FLYING shark that's about as big as a baby crib. And yes, your next guess is correct - I am THRILLED about having that piece of crap in my house for the next couple years, taking up precious storage space. Sheesh. Whatever happened to wanting normal stuff, like race cars and action figures? Now my 5 year old wants a computer that's worth more than his life, and a flying shark? Really? Sigh. Good thing Santa's more generous than Cade's own mama... ;) PS - That Santa looks a little rough around the edges. Couldn't he at least have combed his gross, pubey beard?

In Mila news, she's great - really she is - but she's kind of useless. I mean, she STILL can't do anything. She's 4 1/2 months old and she hasn't yet figured out how to roll over. She still won't hold toys. Which, of course, means she entirely depends on me to entertain her. And I love her, and I'm mostly just teasing, but I kind of want her to start doing something! Hello baby chica! Stop being so boring!! Do you think she'll read this post when she's an adult and wonder if I loved her? Hmmmm.

Also, please keep our little fam in your thoughts and prayers, because Brandon is going in for an interview at work on Monday for a promotion, and while it's a long shot he'll actually get the job, we're still really hoping. Dear Santa, or God, or Satan, or Dumbledore, whichever of you is willing to give Brandon this job, I promise to worship you. Love, Brie. ;)

And that's it. I'll try to get better at more regular updates!

New Rockin' 'Do

2011-12-10T18:22:00.000-07:00

Oh hi. Daddy gave me my very first mohawk today.
I dig it.

Shameful Secret

2011-12-09T14:18:00.000-07:00

I am reading Tyra Banks' new book, Modelland.

And I am mildly enjoying it.

Baby it's Cold Outside

2011-12-05T17:05:00.001-07:00

It is officially freaking winter here. It is SO COLD. We have to bundle up Miss Mees when we pick up Cade from school. She looks rather like a reluctant eskimo, doesn't she?

Soliloquy on...er...Socks

2011-11-30T13:25:00.001-07:00

I never knew I could be so passionate about, well, socks. I never knew that I'd get so excited to buy them I'd practically have a heart attack, then go into a coma from the shopping high. Or something.

I bought Mila these socks yesterday. They are amazing. They are so adorable. I wish I could wear them, seriously, because I would.

If you're interested in buying them for your little one, you can get them at Nordstrom. Or here, online. I'm going to buy these ones next. They had adorable ones for baby boysies, too.

The ribbon, the ballet slipper design, the sweet colors...everything. I love. (But my wallet didn't.) (Oops.)

Also, as a quick aside, Mila went in for her 4 month checkup today. She is slightly above average for height, and slightly below average for weight. Her pediatrician wasn't concerned about this at all though, seeing as Mila's mommy and daddy and big brother are all pretty much built the same way. I guess I just make 'em tall and skinny!

She also had to get her shots today and she was such a brave lil' womanly. It makes me so sad when they cry because they have no idea why they're being hurt, it just breaks my heart. But she only cried for a few minutes then completely de-freaked and got it together. I've given her Tylenol for the pain and she's good as new.
Especially in her new, dainty socks!

Simply love.

2011-11-29T18:52:00.001-07:00

Brandon took a series of pictures of me and the kiddos tonight. I love it for several reasons:

1. Getting both of my children to be looking in the relative direction of the camera at the same time is unheard of.
2. I love how Mila's tummy is sticking out, all big and healthy and full of milk. I think it's adorable.
3. Cade with his arms wrapped around my leg. Somehow it's so comfortable and familiar and "Yeah, I know, Mom's got my back." Makes me feel good.
4. Lovelovelove that I fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans. Hello Big Stars, I've missed you!
5. Mila's bonnet makes me want to squeeze her cheeks. I bought it at H&M, possibly the only decent thing in that store.
6. I look so happy in this picture. Like, REAL happy, not pseudo-smiling-for-the-sake-of-posterity-but-inside-I-feel-like-crap happy. I think you can really tell.
7. I look at this photo, and I think, "Did I really make those two awesome human beings? Am I really lucky enough that they are mine?"
8. Why yes, yes I am. :)

Goofy Girl

2011-11-29T16:17:00.001-07:00

Oh hey. I like to smile.

I also like to make silly faces.

But I haven't quite figured out what to do when this happens...

Goofy girl. She makes me happy. :)

Miss 4 Months

2011-11-27T18:07:00.001-07:00

Mila is 4 months old today. I can't believe how fast this time is flying. It seems like just yesterday I was bringing her home from the hospital, all teeny and red-faced and squirmy. She is so big now!

A few things about Mila at 4 months:
Mila has started solid food and likes it alright. She's not thrilled about it, but the other day I gave her tapioca pudding and she about died. She's still not a huge fan of her rice cereal though, and only eats that begrudgingly. Pretty soon I'm going to start her on sweet potatoes and pears - Cade loved both of those, and I'm hoping Mila will too.

Mila Bean still doesn't roll over or do anything really but hold up her head. She's still not really into trying to grab toys or anything, and she's not yet hit the stage where she puts everything in her mouth. She seriously must be so bored! Doesn't that sound boring?

I don't know what Mila weighs, but I'm taking her in for her 4 month wellness checkup this week, so I'll find out soon. I'd guesstimate she's probably 11 or 12 lbs though. She has a big belly and little rolls on her thighs and they are so adorable and I want to squish them!

Mila is a pretty happy baby. She rarely cries really hard, and almost always if she is, it's because she's hungry. Usually she's pretty chill enough to just sit and watch Mommy and Daddy play on Mommy's iPad. ;) She loves to be near someone though, and she'll just sit and stare at you and smile until you feel so guilty that you're not looking back at her and interacting with her!

I'm excited for Mila to start sitting up and crawling and growing up. Right now she's kind of in the inbetween stage between newborn and infant, but soon I think she's going to start hitting all these really fun milestones. I can't wait, because I am just enchanted by everything this girl does. :)

Love you Miss Mees!

The first and last time

2011-11-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

...you will EVER see me dance.

Somehow my sister (which one was it, it had to have been Misty...?) convinced the rest of us to dance in the talent show today. I am many things, but a dancer is not one of them. So watch and laugh. (I'm the one in gray, all the rest of those tall, hot, beautiful women are all my sissies (minus Tawny). Enjoysies!

Cade Dances

2011-11-24T19:53:00.001-07:00

Every year at Thanksgiving, my fam holds a talent show. Cade spontaneously decided he wanted to dance. It was so cute. Here's the vid! (My favorite part is the enthusiastic punch at the end. :)

Cool.

2011-11-22T17:10:00.001-07:00

Used this app to make these pictures. It allows me to free-form paint over photos. Pretty cool.

I'm not very good at it yet - there's a ton more to learn, but it's still fun and absolutely addicting and I'm making some pretty cool stuff.

Mila Chows Down

2011-11-21T17:40:00.001-07:00

I gave Mila her first solid food today - a bit of rice cereal. I know she's a little young to be starting solids; I didn't start Cade til he was close to 4 1/2 months - but Mila is READY. She is hungry all the time, and most of all she's just plain ol' bored and needs something to do, so I decided to let her eat!

The cereal itself is disgusting - a little rice cereal mixed with hot water and formula - I tried a little bit and literally gagged and made that gross/shudder face that a kid makes when sucking on a lemon - but fortunately, Mila is kind of too stupid to know what's good and what's gross, seeing as she's never tasted Diet Coke or maple donuts before. Her standards are low.

She wasn't very good at eating, but they never are the first time around. She didn't even know what to do with the stuff in her mouth - she'd kind of slosh it around her mouth then push it back out with her tongue. It made for a very messy meal, but I'm sure she'll get better at it. :)

Randomosity

2011-11-19T17:20:00.001-07:00

There are no silk pajamas under $50 in the state of Anywhere. Just ask my sore feet and cranky baby who trolled the mall for 3 hours looking for said jammies. Sorry, Mom.

On the bright side, I bought C and M's Thanksgiving outfits today. They are going to look perfect.

I own ZERO articles of clothing from Gap, don't much like their style for me. However, the majority of my children's wardrobe is from Gap Kids. Weird?

My Diet Coke consumption is increasing at a dramatic rate. I stopped drinking it (or had caffeine-free) when I was pregnant and nursing, but now that no little parasite depends on my body for anything, I am filling it with the sweet, sweet nectar of aspartame and carbonation. I need to tone it down!

I am mostly only posting this today because I didn't want my last blog at the top of the page anymore. I get nervous and weird when I post about my eating disorder now.

I love my kids. I am realzing more and more that my calling in this big 'ol world is to be a good mama to my children. I know this sounds so incredibly after-school-television-special, but when I see them happy and safe and content, it makes me feel better. Like all is right in the world.

I am debating on going Black Friday shopping or not. I go every year, but now I'm wondering if the cost of staying up all night and elbowing my way past hysterical women clutching this season's hottest items is worth the benefit for saving a few bucks. Plus, I have no one to go with. :( Any brave takers?

I have joined Twitter (again) with a little trepidation - last time I used it, I didn't like it much and honestly found all the tweets somewhat annoying. But I'm more or less liking it this time around. Find me by @briebreivik or there is a link to my profile page as well on my side-bar.

Breaking Dawn. The broken headboard and feathers. The bony (but obviously fake) grossness of Kristen Stewart. The wolves talking in robot voices to each other. All parts of the movie that were supposed to be serious, but in which I roared so hard I was practically rolling in the aisles.

Mila is almost 4 months old. It's so weird to think she is that old. Kind of brings back bitter memories, too, because I left Cade to go to inpatient treatment exactly on his 4 month birthday. It sickens me that I let my eating disorder get so severe that I literally had to leave my own child. It serves as a good reminder to keep myself healthy at the present because I NEVER want to do that to Mila, and I don't know what Cade would do if I had to leave him again. Nuh uh no way never.

My iPad is still awesome.

This Time of Year

2011-11-18T16:15:00.002-07:00

I'm still sick, but I'm like dying in my boredom, so post an update it is. Mila is napping and Cade is duly distracted by the Wii, so I have a bit of time to give you guys more of a meaty update, as most of my posts lately have been short or just pictures.

fun picture taking

What is it about this time of year that is difficult? I LOVE Christmas, especially more so now that I have kids; Cade's excitement and wonderment of the season makes me so happy to witness and share with him. But there's also no denying that the Thanksgiving/Christmas/Insert that Jewish Holiday too, don't know how to spell it -- is really difficult. I always seem to struggle more with my ED during the holidays. I have been thinking a bit about it, about why I do this, and I don't feel I have a concrete answer.

Oh, sure, I have plenty of excuses: I need to lose pregnancy weight, (though that isn't much of an excuse anymore because I have technically lost it all) I don't like my body, feeling emotions is overrated, the sky is blue, Dumbledore is gay, engaging in my eating disorder seems to make sense in some twisted way. (LOL that rhymed!) I don't know. It could be some of those things or none of those things or all of those things.

All I know is that right now, I am struggling. Pretty bad.

And it's not particularly my mood; I think my ED has kind of made this pleasant numbness come over me. Sure, I have a bit of anxiety, but for the most part I don't feel much. But I will admit that my eating disorder behaviors are, at times, winning the battle over recovering v. relapsing. And "relapsing" is a strong word, because I'm nowhere near that. But if I don't get my shite together, it could eventually get there.

Thanksgiving is particularly tough for me. I think it is because I have some pretty rough memories from this day over the years...two years ago I had just lost Kendall, very close to Thanksgiving of 2002 I lost my grandmother, and on Thanksgiving day of 2001, I began to engage in my eating disorder so severely that I lost a dramatic amount of weight in a very short time, and a few months later, landed myself in inpatient treatment for the first time. Why I chose that day over any other in the year, I don't know. But I don't like it.

But this year I am going to have a big piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream, and I am going to have some hot rolls with butter that melts in your mouth, and I'll have me some mashed potatoes and gravy, too. And I won't let past memories from this day bring me down. And, if I'm lucky, I'll make some truly amazing memories with my sweet little family that I'll cherish and think about when I picture Thanksgiving, rather than some of the prevalent memories that cause some grieving. And yes, old habits die hard, but I guess it's just time to make some new habits, then, isn't it?

HipstaPrints From a Sickie

2011-11-17T22:20:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling quite under the weather, so no real post from me today. Me muchos tired. Instead here are a few pics I've taken, mostly with the Hipstamatic app. If you have an Apple Toy and don't have this app downloaded, then you are a fool. A big, giant FOOL. I am obsessed with this app and can't stop using it. Anyway, I used it to take a few pics. So, enjoysies:

I love my kids, and Cade loves his quesadilla.

Love me my man and my man-child.

I am taking copious amounts of HipstaPrints of my cats. It's like crack, only it doesn't kill brain cells and it's not against the WoW. Plus, my cats are much less wiggly than my children, and Brandon is just unwilling to be my subject, so the cats luck out by default. But I still think they're precious.

Bobbi looks like she's posing for a glamour shot. It's so dramatic it kind of makes me laugh.

Recent Prints

2011-11-16T20:38:00.000-07:00

I have been messing around on my iPad and taking some really cool photos, or changing them or enhancing them in some way. I've had a lot of fun - but admittedly I don't know what I'm doing - hopefully I'll get better at it. Anyway, thought I'd share, as my children are adorable, despite my mediocre skills.

Well Hello, Beautiful

2011-11-15T16:18:00.006-07:00

I've been MIA for the past few days because something extraordinary has happened in my life. I have been transformed. I have been transfixed. I have been smitten. I have been awed.

I have an iPad.

Brandon surprised me with it on Saturday. I got out of the shower, walked into my bedroom to get dressed, and there she was, waiting for me on my pillow. I did a naked happy dance that involved an irish jig and the running man and a kick or two. Her name is PaddyCake and we are in love. We do everything together. We're a team. I love her. I'd devour her if I could.

So if I'm not around over the next few days, it's because I'm getting to know PaddyCake in every way possible. I must explore this new iWorld that has just opened up to me! She is so perfect, and her look is complete with an orange smart cover. Could Brandon have done a better job picking out what I wanted - a white iPad with an orange cover? That is SO ME.

PS - if you have any favorite apps, please share, as I am new to the Apple App World and would likey me some suggestions.

PPS - yes, that is my BEAUTIFUL PRECIOUS PERFECT cat set as my wallpaper. Everyone makes fun of me when they see it because they think it should be a picture of Mila or Cade or something. What can I say, I guess I'm just nerdy like that!

Remembering on this day.

2011-11-12T19:55:00.001-07:00

In loving memory, Kendall Penny Breivik.

I've been thinking a lot today about Kendall (obviously). And I've been SO SAD. Because honestly, 2 years ago today, was probably the worst day of my life. I sat alone in a cold dark examining room while my doctor told me that my daughter was gone. There are no happy memories of this day. And so I have been overwhelmed with those past feelings and memories of something so traumatic.

And yet.

I can't regret how everything happened, can I, because then that would mean regretting how things turned out and regretting that Mila is here. If Kendall had lived, then I would not have Mila, and that is not acceptable to me - Mila is already such an integral part of my life and my heart; I absolutely cannot picture my life without her in it. So yes, everything happened for a reason, and it happened as it was supposed to.

But that doesn't mean that this day doesn't still hurt.
So I've cried. A lot.
And I've remembered her.
And I've missed her.
And then I'm going to gather my baby girl in my arms and snuggle with her and tell her all about her big sister Kendall, who gave this most amazing sacrifice, so she could be here.
And then I'll be okay.

(Thank you to the overwheming number of people who wrote love on their ams today and sent me pictures. Each one filled me with gratitude that I have such awesome people in my life who remember me and what happened. I am truly blessed to have all of you.)

Commemorating Conundrum

2011-11-11T22:15:00.001-07:00

What is everybody up to this weekend? I don't have much going on, and with tomorrow being The Anniversary, I am nervous not having any plans, because I'm worried I'll get really sad and somber and just down; I wish I had something to do to keep me occupied. It's hard not having a grave I can put flowers on or any photos to look back on for memories - all I have are blurry ultrasound photos and the remembrance of her movements inside me. I want to remember Kendall, but I don't know how to. I wrote her a letter, and I thought about sharing it here on my blog, but in the end decided not to, because it is extremely raw and extremely personal. But...it just feels wrong to pretend like it is any other day and not do anything to respect and commemorate her. I just don't know what to do. :/

...It seems everybody that's cool these days in Blog Land is signing off with a cute little signature. I was kind of jels looking at everybody else's, so I decided to make one of my own. Don't know if it'll last, but I'm kind of a fad girl, so I'll go with it.

Pom Pom Headband

2011-11-11T17:11:00.001-07:00

I found this tutorial (thank you Pinterest!) for a pom pom headband for Mila. I think it turned out pretty darn snazzy. The worst part was cutting out the fabric circles; I wanted to poke out my eyes with the scissors because of the monotony, but I was happy with the end result. And of course it doesn't hurt that my daughter absolutely ROCKS the headband and makes it look even more adorable!

Reasons to Recover Craft

2011-11-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

So last week, the T asked me to write a list of reasons to recover, despite the fact I hate my body where it is and wish it could be smaller. So I wrote the list, and read it to her in our next session. She remarked that the list was all well and good, but how was it going to be helpful to me? If I just folded it up and shoved it into the cavernous depths of my diaper bag, and promptly forgot about it, then why was writing the list even beneficial in the first place? Hmmm. Good point.

So I decided to make this craft. I got a canvas and painted on it, then wrote my reasons to recover on the canvas, then mod podged over the whole thing. And really, it doesn't look very good, and it's only going in my bathroom so that most people don't see it, but at least I did something with it, right? At least I'll look at it every day and remember why it is so vital that I get over this and move on and finally live.

I kind of felt like I was inpatient again, (holy blast from the Sick Person blast!) in art therapy, doing some sort of artistic project that was supposed to, like, make me recover, and it kind of gave me the eebie jeebies! -- It felt pretty foreign, and I actually didn't really enjoy Art Tx much in treatment, so I'm surprised I went for this, but I like the outcome, and I'm glad I did. Crafty Brie is certainly emerging more and more! At least I'm putting some of this creative energy to good use, right?

An Anniversary

2011-11-09T12:20:00.001-07:00

This Saturday, November 12, 2011, marks the 2 year anniversary of losing my sweet Kendall. I hope you will remember her on this day with me by writing love on your arm. I'd love your support, and I know she would, too.

Last year I remembered her in this way. This year I am going to do something special, too.

Trying my Hand at Painting

2011-11-08T15:57:00.001-07:00

I am posting these pictures with a little trepidation; I know I'm not the greatest painter in the world, but when Angela suggested we do a painting craft, I decided I'd try it. Keep in mind that I have NEVER painted in my entire life - never once have I taken a painting class; the closest I've come was painting an apple with watercolors in 6th grade.
And these are supposed to be abstract. And they're not even close to perfect, but that's kind of what I was going for. And my self-esteem is already tenuous, so please don't make fun of me. That's all!

Mila:

And here was the inspiration for the painting:

Cade:

Here was the picture I used for him:

Mila's painting was especially hard because I originally started the painting in color, only to quickly realize that black and white is muuuch easier. So I had to go over my color and Angela helped me re-work it, and this is what was eventually the end result. Cade's was much easier to do; the shadowing and coloring was much simpler. Also, I was actually holding Mila in one arm while I painted, because she was fussy, so I suppose I get a few more points for painting with an infant in my arms!

So there it is. Don't know if I'll ever attempt it again, but hey, now that I don't have an ED and am trying to figure out what I am other than That Skinny Sick Chick, maybe it was okay to try painting. I discovered I'm certainly not The Bad Ass Painter, but maybe I'll figure something else out. :)

A Post Pregnancy Update

2011-11-07T20:04:00.001-07:00

I just realized my blog might be kind of boring lately, as most of my posts have been Pinterest-related. So, in the interest of, well, being interesting, I'll give you an update:

I have officially reached my pre-pregnancy weight; it took me EXACTLY 3 months to get there. Yes, I am glad, and yes I'm relieved that all my old jeans fit, but I will admit that at times I did use my eating disorder to help me lose the weight, and that is something I'm not proud of. I remember back when I was super freaking pregnant and about to explode with Mila, I thought back to my pre-pregnancy size, and thought, "If I can just get to X weight I will be so happy and never complain about my weight again." But, sadly, I do wish I was thinner, even at this weight. My body has been changed by pregnancy, so even though I'm at the same weight I was before, I don't actually look the same - specifically, my stomach.

So I mentioned just now that I still wish I could lose weight. I want to address that. I'm telling you this because I want to be honest, and because yes, I still struggle a bit at times with my ED. BUT even though I want to lose weight, I'm not going to. I have talked with my treatment team, and we have all come to the conclusion that losing more weight at this point would be a pretty terrible idea - not just physically, but it could really aid the ED mentality to linger, plus I'm at a perfectly normal and average weight for my height, so there's no need to go lower than I already am.

I think that's a step in recovery in and of itself - of wanting to lose weight, but not letting those thoughts and urges actually manifest themselves into behaviors. Just because I want to, doesn't mean I have to or that I should. You know?

So, hello Weight Maintenance! So nice to finally meet you. I hope we'll be seeing a lot more of each other. :)

Mint Chocolate Deliciousness

2011-11-07T17:23:00.001-07:00

I found this recipe for mint chocolate chip cookies on Pinterest and about died - sweet gravy train, I knew I had to make them! I think the last time I made cookies was when I was 7, and helping my mom - no kidding, I am not a baker. But these made me come out of my non-baking hibernation, and they were sooooo worth it! You seriously need to make these bad boys.

I had enough extra that we're going to take plates of cookies to some new families that have moved in near us, just to welcome them to the neighborhood. So making cookies and doing an act of service in ONE DAY? I'm on a roll!

(Okay, so they're not the most aesthetically pleasing thing in the world. But they still taste yummers!)

Pinspiration: My Take on the Onesie

2011-11-05T12:39:00.001-06:00

Angela and I got together yesterday to make onesies for our little ones. She's an expert at All Things Crafty, so she whipped up like 5 freakin' onesies before I'd even finished my ONE...I'm so slow, and NOT because I'm a perfectionist, but only because I have no idea what I'm doing! Anyway, despite the terror of the Crafty Unknown, I think they turned out pretty cute!

The two onesies I made for Mees. (Yes, that's a pig, and yes, it's wearing a pearl and rosette collar!)

Inspiration for these onesies here.

Miss 3 Months

2011-11-04T23:07:00.001-06:00

Mila is 3 months old - well, she was about a week ago, but I'm a little slow documenting this, I guess. A few things about Mila at 3 months:

Her nicknames are: Miss Mila, Miss Mees, Mila Bean, Bacon Ears

Mila is smiling all the time now, and Daddy is getting sooooo close to being able to get a laugh out of her - it's like she can't quite figure out how to laugh yet, but she's getting there and she's trying, and to see her coo and smile with her big dimples and blue eyes makes me happier almost than anything.

Mila is still all about her hands, though she's still trying to figure them out. She is sucking on them a lot and waving them around in the air...she's still too young to really hold toys or understand them yet, so for now it's mostly just her hands that keep her entertained.

Mila is already starting to sleep through the night. Seriously, who do I need to praise for this minor miracle?? I don't want to jinx it, but for the past 2 weeks or so, she goes to bed around 10:30 and doesn't wake up until 7:30, and even then, she wakes up for a bottle and goes back to sleep until 9:30 or so. Could I even ask for more??

I am not breastfeeding Mila anymore. I quit once she was 12 weeks because honestly it just wasn't working. I must be a TERRIBLE milk producer, and I'm just grateful that nowadays they make such excellent formula for them, because I know that while breast milk is still preferable to formula, she will be okay and healthy and thriving just fine on bottles. She was never satisfied when I was breast feeding her and she'd pull on and off again because she was frustrated she wasn't getting enough milk. She was always hungry and needy and dissatisfied and I was always grouchy and feeling guilty that I couldn't give my baby more. So, at 12 weeks, we kissed breast feeding goodbye, and I haven't looked back since. So far, all is well with bottle feeding; Mila took to it like a champ.

Mila still sleeps in our bedroom in the bassinet, but probably in the next week or so I'm going to transition her to her crib in the other bedroom. I feel nervous, though, having my baby be so far away from me, but I know that it's probably time...

Mila seems to be a little less high maintenance than she used to be. She used to cry a lot, even when all her needs (aka demands) were met, like being fed and kept warm and having her diaper changed etc...she just cried a lot, and I was mystified as to what my child actually needed, if anything. But now she is more content to just chill (she's lying beside me on the bed as I type this, waving her little fists around and staring at the lamp) and even just a week ago, I don't know that she'd have been as content to just sit here. So I'm grateful that she is giving me a reprieve from the constant attention I had to give her every second of every day that she was awake. It was sooooo hard to get anything done.

I love having Mila here. She's only been here 3 months, but I already sometimes can't even picture my life without her here. I know this sounds cheesy, but bear with me: Miss Bacon Ears fills something inside me, some hole in my heart that nearly killed me when I lost Kendall. It's like a huge piece of me was missing, but with Mila here, I'm whole again. That doesn't mean that I don't love Kendall and miss her and still think about her every day, but it means that I was meant to be the mother of two beautiful daughters, but maybe on God's timeline instead of mine. And I think I'm okay with that - I'm getting there.

I love you Mila. Happy 3 months, babe.

First Pinspiration

2011-11-02T22:12:00.000-06:00

I mentioned below that I had found these fabric rosettes on Pinterest.

Here is my finished product, and my take on the rosettes; I made a bow for Mila. It really wasn't all that difficult, but I'm still ridiculously proud of myself; you should see me struttin' my stuff around my house like I'm all that. ;)

Tomorrow? I'm making this onesie with Ang - we're going to make them for Mila and Baby Penny. :)

My New Obsession

2011-11-02T16:48:00.001-06:00

I have become OBSESSED with Pinterest. I've only been on the site for 3 days, and already I have accrued several hours dedicated to dissecting the site. But it is worth it because I have so many new ideas of things to try! I don't normally consider myself a very crafty person, and I'm not much into creating, like, things, but I dunno, this site might make me a believer in all things home-maker-ey and stuff.

So far, I've learned several new ways to braid my hair, a new way (and super easy) to curl my hair, and I've got several ideas on how to make hair bows for Mila, which I'm going to attempt tonight. This might really come in handy, as in the last month or so, I've spent about $60 on headbands for my chica - I can save a ton of $$ if I make bows, as opposed to buying them when they've been ridiculously priced to make a whopping profit.

Anyone else love Pinterest? What have been some fun things you've learned/pinned? Share with me! Here are a few of the fun things I've found, so far:

Attempting to make these fabric rosettes for headbands for Mila - heading to Michael's tonight to buy supplies.
I learned how to curl my hair in really wavy, relaxed curls. This tutorial changed my life!
My hair is in a waterfall braid, even as I post this - it looks so cool, and it was so easy!

Follow me on Pinterest! My username is briebreivik.

Weighty Frustrations

2011-11-02T14:30:00.000-06:00

WARNING:
This post will of course not contain any numbers whatsoever, but I am going to talk about my weight. So if this easily triggers you or you don't care or whatever, then pllleeeaaaase skip this post. I don't want any angry nay-sayers in the comments; I just need to vent.

I just saw my dietician. She told me that I cannot lose any more pregnancy weight. Now, granted, I am soooooooo close to having lost it all, so really I suppose I'll live, but I very much wanted to lose that last little bit to get to where I was before I had Mila. All of my pre-pregnancy jeans fit, though there are a couple pair that are a little tighter than I want them to be. But the D told me that they're worried my weight loss is too eating disordered, so until I can start to let go of some of the ED behaviors, I can't lose weight because my treatment team is not convinced I am doing it in a completely healthy and appropriate way.

I know they only have my best interest in mind. And I'm going to trust them. But it's SO HARD. I barely said anything during my appointment today because I was angry and a little bummed about all this. I get confused because EVERY WOMAN, whether or not she has an ED, wants to lose their baby weight. So why can't I? I guess the line between losing weight in a healthy way, and losing weight in an ED way, is just a little blurred right now. But I wish it was clearer, because I am confused.

She also took away exercise, but really, running a wimpy one mile at a time kinda sucked anyway. But my goal was to work up to more exercise, not less. Duh. Sucks I can't keep my exercise privileges for more than two weeks. :(

Sigh.
I just feel really discouraged.
Words of wisdom would be appreciated, or even just some support. I could totally use my own personal cheerleader right now.

Happy Halloween 2011

2011-11-01T20:33:00.002-06:00

We had a great Halloween! We went to my sister's house before trick o' treating and had an awesomely spicy dinner of chili verde. My mouth was saying NO but my mind was saying yes...my lips and throat were burning from the spice, but it was so good I couldn't stop catapulting it down my throat. Definitely a great way to start out the night.

Afterward Brandon and I took Cade out trick o' treating with his cousins. Brandon wore his Batman costume, and I DID NOT wear my Avatar costume, because it was made for a much shorter person than me, (girlfriend is a tall glass of water) and so it rode up my butt and you could literally see my ass cheeks. Also, I don't have the best body in the world, so it wasn't flattering. Oh wellsies, maybe I'll dress up next year in something that doesn't make me look like a science fiction stripper.

Here are a few pics documenting the holiday.

Cade with Daddy and his twin cousins, T and D, dressed as Spongebob. :)

Cade in his ninja (aka NOT Harry Potter) costume. Sigh.

My niece, Baby Penny, in her adorable peacock costume.

This pic got out of order, but this is us post-trick o' treating.

Me and Batman.

Mila, dressed up as Really Cute. I made the leg-warmers and bought the adorable cat onesie at Baby Gap.

Hope everyone else had a great Halloween too. I used to feel kind of meh about the holiday, but now that I have kids, I love it. It's fun to see their excitement, and I love the spooky feel of it all. Autumn is such a beautiful season in Utah, and it was so warm - we barely had to wear our jackets - definitely really uncharacteristic for this time of year.

Oh, and lastly, here is a picture of the fam that was taken at Brandon's work. We had a fun Halloween party there on Friday night:

Soccer Season 2011

2011-10-29T19:06:00.000-06:00

Cade had his last soccer game this afternoon. I blogged about him starting soccer here, and I talked about how he wouldn't play because he was so scared. I just need to brag about my son for a minute, because I'm having a total Proud Mom Moment over here. Cade started out his soccer season insecure and anxious. He would rarely play, and when he did, he NEVER actually kicked the ball. He'd run with the pack, but shy away from the ball. We'd cheer and encourage him anyway, of course. (Sorry the quality of this pic is so bad. It's a picture of a picture, I was too lazy to scan it.)

The last couple games, he has started tentatively kicking the ball, but only when it happens to come right to him; he still wasn't really pursuing it. We were just happy for him that he was making progress, and we had long ago figured out that our kid was not going to be the star of the soccer team, and we were okay with that. Putting him in soccer was all about giving him an opportunity to find things he liked and to maybe give him some confidence and help him work on his social skills.

Today, Cade kicked the ball 10 times. I'm not even kidding, Brandon counted! And the best moment of all...he scored a goall! A goal!!!!!! Words cannot describe how momentous this is. After he kicked it in the goal, he turned and looked at me and Brandon with this look of shock and awe, like, "Look at this awesome thing I did! I must be pretty awesome!" We all cheered and cheered so loudly. I can't remember feeling that happy and proud for my kid in so long. Cade needed this. He needed the confidence booster. I think now he realizes that he can play soccer just like everybody else, and that he just might be good at it.

So it's been a good day. As we were leaving the game, Cade even remarked that he'd like to play again - kind of shocked me, as I really thought soccer was going to be a one time experiment for him, but I'm thrilled he wants to do it again. So, come Spring 2012, we'll sign him up again. :)

So proud of you Cade. You have made so much progress and your mama notices and thinks it's pretty awesome. Love you buddy.

Group Growls

2011-10-28T20:21:00.001-06:00

Every week, I attend an eating disorder support group. I have been going for just over 2 years now, and generally I really enjoy it and get a lot out of it and all sorts of good stuff like that. It's not easy to get to know me, because I'm pretty reserved in "real life," (the internet world is easier for me, and besides you only see what I want you to see) but these girls have gotten almost as close to me as I let anybody get, and they're maybe da raddest people I've ever met, and I totally adorbs them and (cheesy and cliche) really admire them and look up to them.

There's just a teensy, tinsy problem with group. At least, there was this week; a new problem that I've never really encountered before and it's never been a problem until now: group is being held during the time that I eat dinner every night.

So, I'm a creature of habit. I eat a lot of the same foods every day and I almost always eat them at relatively the same time. My mealplan kind of keeps me from deviating from the norm too much. Just call my body Big Ben; a total clock that depends entirely on the same habitual routine every day. (Daylight Savings realllllly throws me off.)

Every week, on my way to group, I eat a granola bar and chug a Diet Coke. Every week.
Except this week.
This week I've been sick; caught a stomach bug. My tum-tummers has seriously been unhappy and truthfully my adherence to my mealplan has been lacking due to the nausea and inability to keep much in. When I left for group this week, I didn't feel hungry. Not at all. In fact I still felt a bit queasy, so I decided to skip the granola bar, because I didn't want to have to make any embarrassing bathroom runs during group. (TMI, perhaps. Sorry!)

So group starts. All is well in my land. Until, oh, it hadn't been long, maybe 15 minutes into it, I started to feel hungry. Didn't think much of it, just knew I'd have a nice big dinner when I got home, and it was actually relieving to feel like I had an appetite when I'd been quite sick earlier in the week. 20 minutes into group: shite. I'm REALLY hungry.
It was actually a little distracting.
21 minutes into group: ohnoohnoohnoohno my tummy is gonna growl please don't let my stomach growl in a group comprised of women who have eating disorders please please i don't want them to think i'm not eating please don't growl please please!
GGGGRRRRROOOOOOWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.
And my tummy seemed to be saying, GIVE ME MY SWEET 'N SALTY GRANOLA BAR, YOU NAZI STARVER! THIS IS WHEN I GET MY GRANOLA BAR, A PRE-DINNER SNACK AT 5:30. GIVE ME GIVE ME I WANT I WANT I NEED I NEED!!! WHY IS THERE NOT A GRANOLA BAR INSIDE ME RIGHT NOW, YOU BEEZY?
And I was like, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. But please, dear stomach, have mercy on me and DO NOT growl again. It's too embarrassing.
25 minutes into group: I'm really worried about my stomach demanding the granola bar again, or worse, insisting on dinner when I could not give it to it for another hour. Like,I was ridiculously stressed. I don't know if my embarrassment about it was a little dramatic, but really, think about it, having everyone know you're hungry in a group of women with ED's is embarrassing. And that leaves a lot of room for them to make conclusions about how you're doing. And when it's silent in the room, all but for one person, like, emoting, it's just a big distraction. So, this paranoia was like really getting to me.

So I got desperate, about 30 minutes into group, because the hunger pains were NOT going away, on the contrary, they were increasing in frequency and intensity. And I could feel the growling just about to start, before it would mercifully abate, even for just a minute. I thought about leaving group and going to the bathroom, but really how would that help? I can't pee out my hunger. And I hadn't even brought my purse, just grabbed my cell phone and wallet, so the bag of mini-candybars in my purse weren't an option either. For a minute I considered leaving group and just going home, but that seemed a little dramatic. RECOVERING ANOREXIC LEAVES GROUP BECAUSE SHE'S HUNGRY AND EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT. Pish.

So I did what I had to. I PRAYED.
I'm not joking.
I prayed to Heavenly Father to help my stomach not growl. I told Him that if he would quiet the mutiny going on in my stomach, then I would make up for my lack of consistent mealplanage by eating a giant dinner and never missing my regularly scheduled granola bar again. That's right. I bargained with Him.
And, be it God, be it sheer will-power, or be it luck, my stomach didn't make another peep during group. But it came close. Dangerously close. Distractingly close.

I came home and told Brandon about the growling fiasco and about my desperate prayers. He stared at me, open-mouthed, and was like, "Did you really pray for God to stop your stomach growling? Like legitimately really really?" And I lifted my chin and defiantly told him YES. And it had worked, thank you very much.

And I ate a huge dinner in thanks.
And I'm never going to miss my pre-dinner granola bar again.
And I'm never going to group without a full stomach, like, ever.
And if someone else's stomach growls in group, I will gleefully laugh my ass off. And maybe, if they're lucky, I'll pray for them.

Hidden Treasures

2011-10-28T16:17:00.001-06:00

Costco: the mecca for hidden treasures. You know, gems you never realized you needed until you beheld all their random glory whilst pushing a double-wide shopping cart and looking semi-hideous in the harsh glow of fluorescent lighting.

Why yes, yes I do need a book about cats that's as big as a small car. As it so happens.

Halloween Switch Up

2011-10-27T10:03:00.001-06:00

Remember how Cade begged me to buy him another Halloween costume this year, so he could be Harry Potter? Remember how I caved in, and said yes, because admittedly I thought being Harry Potter was cooler than being a ninja? Remember how I was all excited about his cloak, and about painting a lightning scar on his forehead, and taking a picture of him in his silly, round specs?

Today was his Halloween parade at his school. I went, of course, to cheer him on and take pictures.

Do you see him?

Look closely.

Yeah, my boy's there. He's cute. But what is he wearing? A ninja costume. You should have witnessed the battle that ensued at my house this morning, when he defiantly announced to me he was NOT wearing his (expensive) Harry Potter costume.

Seriously, kid?

Living Down a Bad Reputation

2011-10-25T17:49:00.001-06:00

Sucks when you can't live down a bad reputation. I know that I used to be this really sick and really difficult person to work with, back when the anorexia had a hold of me. But now, I can honestly say I've changed. I've maintained a healthy weight for over a year now, and I follow recommendations from my treatment team and really I'm quite amiable and pleasant to work with. I am NOT an obstinate brat anymore. I have changed so much, and honestly, I'd give ANYTHING for an eating disorder therapist (just one!) in the state of Utah to NOT know my name and have some nasty and old and tired pre-concieved notions of me.

I've changed, but do people even see that?

So, for those of you that think you know me, but don't? Either give yourself a chance to know the real me, and stop judging, or get the hell away from me. I mean it.

Okay. Vent over.

I'm a Sucker for Halloween

2011-10-22T14:50:00.000-06:00

When I was a kid, deciding what I wanted to be for Halloween was usually reduced to me finding miscellaneous clothes around the house or hand-me-down costumes from older siblings, and then getting creative and constucting a costume to be a princess or a fairy, or my favorite, Santa Claus. (That costume kept me super warm in the frigid Utah temps on Halloween!) I really don't remember ever going out and buying a costume, and it wasn't something I felt bad about, it just wasn't expected, so I made do.

But now, as a parent, and being responsible for getting my kids Halloween costumes...it's a big deal nowadays. Cade has been insisting that he wanted to be a ninja, so I went to Target, spent 19 bucks, and got a fairly decent costume - yeah, it was a bit over-done and mainstream, but whatever. He was happy so I was happy, though I secretly wished he had picked something cooler to be. Ninjas aren't my thang, I suppose.

But then on Thursday, we went to a Halloween party. And Cade's cousin, C, who is his age, was wearing this WICKEDLY AWESOME SCHWING Harry Potter costume. I was jealous. Yes, I'm 27, and yes I'm Responsible and Sensible and Grown Up, but I still coveted that wand and cloak. Expelliarmus! He sure looked dashing in those Gryffindor Red and Gold colors... If the cloak wouldn't have looked like a mini-dress on me, I might have considered stealing it from him. I'm not above theft when it comes to fantasy icons.

Cade saw it, and I could tell he was jealous too. He LOVES Harry Potter. I was actually kind of wondering why he had wanted to be a ninja over HP, but I let him decide, he IS 5, after all, and picking your Halloween costume is his right now, after all his previous years when I squeezed him into adorable costumes that he HATED, but only because he was too young and had no choice. (See him pictured here, at 1 years old, in this duckie costume. He was smiling for the pic, but managed to scream the rest of the time while wearing it. It was adorable. And, later, as Elmo, he couldn't even stop crying long enough for me to take a picture to remember this (clearly) fun moment. Also. Thomas the Train didn't invoke a lot of enthusiasm, either.)

So yesterday, Cade told me he wanted to be Harry Potter for Halloween, and NOT a ninja. Now, I had already wasted 19 bucks (plus tax!) on a crappy Halloween costume, and I realllllly didn't have the money to buy him ANOTHER Halloween costume, and I thought about telling him "Sorry kid, wait until next year, and choose more wisely next time..." but then I thought about the wand. The wand, guys, it was so cool! And the cloak! Who doesn't want an awesome cloak?!

So I caved. I whisked him away and we had to go to a few Halloween stores before we found the last (literally, the last) Harry Potter costume in his size in SL County, I swear. I snatched it up before some other nerdy 5 year old could, and I happily spent the 30 bucks to make my kid happy. (And me too, honestly, c'mon.)

He looks so freaking cool in it. I'm seriously jealous. Pictures to come, of course.

And don't even get me started on getting Mila a costume for Halloween...she's too little to fit in even the smallest costumes they make. So, I have declared that Mila is going to dress up as Really Cute for Halloween. (Not a stretch for her.) You'll DIE when you see her outfit. I can't wait to show you!

Conclusion: Halloween is stressful and expensive for parents. My goal is to this year just get ONE (it's all I ask!) photo of my kid happy in his costume.
(But the cloak!)

She has stolen my heart.

2011-10-21T22:27:00.003-06:00

Thanks to Miss Mila Bean's Aunt Ang for this super cool shirt you bought her. She looks adorable and vintage and I luuuurve it!

Picture Highlights

2011-10-18T21:36:00.000-06:00

Just some pics we've taken over the last few days...

Me snuggling with Mila, post-gym workout. I look gwoss and sweaty, but she sure looks cute!

Daddy smiles big.

Cade smiles big!

Cade planted this pumpkin a few months ago. He's so proud of it; I don't have the heart to tell him that it is sadly and mysteriously not turning orange...oh well, we'll carve it anyway!

Mila rockin' the leg-warmers!

...I'm super bummed, I just tried to put a bunch more pictures on this post from my cell phone, but it won't work. The file says it's a jpg file, so it should work, but then it says it's an HTML document and it won't download it. I have no idea if you followed me on that, but if you did, and have suggestions on how to fix it, let me know!

I declare, "Never again!"

2011-10-17T19:51:00.001-06:00

I went to my first ever Zumba class tonight. I've actually heard really good things about it and wanted to give it a try, but I had some serious reservations about it, considering I am NOT a dancer. Like, I'm not even close. My dancing skills can be chalked up to doing the running man and some wicked pelvic thrusts - that's about it. And I realllllly wanted to like it, guys. I really did.

But I didn't.

It was HARD. And confusing. I'm not typically a slow person, but I couldn't get all the moves, so resorted to side-stepping like the reject kid in class that nobody likes and everybody feels bad for. And the music! It was like a bunch of rappers singing about getting some "mocha latte ass," which really...no thank you. And my instructor was a 70 year old anorexic. And most of the class was comprised of salsa dancing, and jiggling my butt is NOT one of my talents. And really, I could go on.

So, exercise, yay! Getting in shape forever! BUT Zumba never!

PS - All comments are now going to be moderated on my blog. If you're curious and want to know why, shoot me a personal email and I'll give you all the gory details.

Big Updatage

2011-10-14T14:54:00.000-06:00

So remember when I was all jazzed to start running again? Well, my treatment team talked, and they are allowing me to run only 3 miles a week. Not 3 miles a day, like I originally thought she meant to say. They think running used to be too much a part of my eating disorder, so they want me to start slow. Which is fair. But really, 3 miles A WEEK? I can't decide if I should try to spread out the love, or if I should just run 3 miles in one day then have a week off? Despite how frustrated I feel about this, I have decided that I'm going to trust my treatment team and not do more than they approve. I mean, they've gotten me this far in my recovery, which is farther than I've ever gotten before, so obviously, whatever approach they are taking with me is working, so I might as well commit to it. But yes, I'll admit, a teensy tinsy itty bitty part of me wants to run as much as I want and then lie about it. It'd be so easy to. Cake, really, but I'm not going to do it. My hope is that in a few weeks I can run more, I just need to show them that I can eat enough food to compensate for the calories I burn and not abuse this "privilige" that they've given me.

Other than that, not a ton is happening. Mila is growing bigger and I am just smitten with her. She is beautiful and I love being her mama. I have to say though, she is not an easy baby - she's pretty high-maintenance, and while I understand that pretty much the definition of newborn = high-maintenance, I think she's taken it to a whole new level. She's fussy a lot of the time and is pretty much always demanding attention. I can't easily put her in her swing or let her just chill on the ground; it doesn't last long. It's really tiring. I wish I knew how to get her to just chill out and let me get some things done. Even as I'm typing this, she's yelling at me and telling me to get a grip and PICK HER UP. Sigh.

Pretty sure Miss M looks quite dashing in lime green.

Big smiles!

I'm a wittle glum. Nothing big, just feel a bit down. My doc prescribed me Wellbutrin for the PPD, but I'm not entirely sure how well it's working - truthfully I don't feel much different, but I'm on the lowest dose, so maybe going a bit higher will help, who knows. I was hoping the running would help with the anxiety and depression, but I'm not sure how effective 3 miles worth of endorphins can be? Hmmmm.

In Cade news, he's doing great - he hasn't had a bad kindergarten day in weeks. He seems to be doing well and acclimating to school just fine, which is such a relief for me. We have a therapist for him, who we all affectionately refer to as Dr. Sillypants, and some days I'm so sure he needs the therapy (to help with his anxiety) and then there are other days when I don't think he needs it. So I guess the jury's still out on that one. I just want to be a good mommy and help my son in any way that he needs, and if seeing someone will help, then I'm all for it.

Hope you all have a scrumtrulescent weekend. Tonight we're going to a carnival at Cade's school, and then tomorrow we are going Halloween costume shopping. Nothing too scandalous, but it should be fun anyway. Bye lovers!

Mila Smiles

2011-10-10T17:20:00.000-06:00

We've finally managed to catch her grinning! I want to eat her dimples.

Deeeeeeleted

2011-10-07T20:22:00.000-06:00

I deleted my previous post. I decided it was more about my eating disorder than I care to post about on my blog these days. To those few who managed to comment before I took it down, I want to thank you for your input and supportive comments. Rock on.

I am now going to eat some buttery popcorn and watch "Dexter." Happy weekend everybody!

Exercise!

2011-10-04T12:12:00.001-06:00

Sweet sassy frassy! I am so glad, because today my lung doc cleared me for exercise. I have to start slow, but I can f i n a l l y start getting back in shape. I used to be an avid runner, and would often run 12, 14 miles at a time, but when I started to relapse, that had to stop, of course. So, it's been years since I last really exercised because I've had so many years of weight instability. But, now that I'm at a healthy weight, I've been given the green light to go ahead and start running again. (Well, I will as soon as my treatment team talks about it today.)

Anyone know any good couch to 5K programs?
I need to get some new workout clothes of course, because looking good while working out is always important. (I'm joking. I'm NOT one of those people that work out in the gym with makeup and dangly earrings on.)
Anyone ever do zumba or kick-boxing at the gym? Pros? Cons?
Alright, now everyone be really excited for me! ;)

Fresh Meat

2011-10-03T21:24:00.000-06:00

Quick! Everybody leave me a comment and give me the web address for your favorite blog, or one you think I'd like - it can be your's, or maybe your kinky girlfriend's cat's blog, I no care-o. I just want some new stuff to read!

Old Habits Die Hard but not When Chocolate is Involved

2011-10-03T16:48:00.000-06:00

Whad up, my precious kittens? I hope you are all having a day that is full of awesome things like steak and cake and some light petting! (Post-marital, of course. ;)

First order of business: thanks so much for your comments and support regarding my previous post. It's nice to know you've got ma back.

Been struggling for the past few weeks with eating disorder stuff. You know, just wanting to go back to old behaviors and less than ideal stuff like that. This past weekend, I totally followed my mealplan, but it was SO HARD. Not physically of course, I can totally handle the food, but mentally it was really tripping me out. I felt so guilty and so upset every time I ate. And honestly, I haven't really felt that way in awhile. I've had my ED under control enough for the past oh....year? more? or so, so having these thoughts come back has been more than a little frustrating. (The previous sentence was fraught with grammatical errors. Holy oh my moly I apologize.)

Anyway, I was talking with my T about this today...about why I feel this need to go back to the ED. And, frustratingly, I don't really have an answer as to why I am. I don't know if it's identity stuff again, or just boredom, or maybe habit...and I'm sure my body isn't helping matters, either. I mean, having it be bigger than it has ever been isn't easy. I look in the mirror sometimes and don't even recognize myself. I sometimes, I'll admit, think that if I could just get back to where I used to be, (the healthy "where I used to be," not the unhealthy one) that everything will be alright. It's like, once my pre-pregnancy jeans fit, everything will be perfecto. I know that's the most ignorant and lametarded thing ever, but it's where my darn brain is going. Will someone please slap me upside the head and bring me back to Reality? Please?

Anyway, despite all this stuff, dear readers, please rest assured that I am NOT going back to my eating disorder. Yes, the temptation is there, but no, I am not heeding it. But anyone ever feel this way? Wanting to go back to the ED but not really knowing why? Does it ever get any easier? Will the drive to lose weight ever diminish? I have hope that it can, but sometimes I seriously wonder.

I could totally murder some Nestle Treasures right now though, so obviously the ED isn't so strong it's going to kill me. My need for chocolate can vanquish the eating disorder foe like THAT. (Especially when it has toffee in it!!) Maybe that's all I need? A bit o' therapy, a dash of dietary, and loads of chocolate? Oh, hi, okay, I can do that. ;)

But seriously. I have no idea how chocolate managed to become such an integral part of this post, as I was not going there when I started out, but oh wellsies, I go with the flow!

Meant for More

2011-10-01T21:39:00.000-06:00

Been addicted to perusing through past entries of my blog - I can't stop - it's like crack, but it doesn't kill brain cells and it's not against the WoW. I need to stop, though, because I used to be really skinny and really funny and witty and I seem to be none of those things anymore. Kindasorta depressing. I just don't have the time to blog like I used to - being a mommy right now is more than a full-time job - but I seriously miss the comments and the hilarity and the fulfillment I got from Blogxygen.

I kind of wonder what is going to fulfill me. I LOVE being a mom and wouldn't trade it for anything, but I don't seem to be satisfied with cleaning the house and pretending to cook when it's only a grilled cheese and canned tomato soup, and I'm not really content with playgroups and kindergarten reports on Abraham Lincoln. I'll do all these things and am glad to do them, but I need more.

I think I'm going to go back to school. I think pursuing my education can make me feel content and give me some self-esteem. I can either pursue my passion, writing, or I can go into a more practical field, like Social Work. I think I would love either of those things. And, why can't I have both? I think being raised in an LDS culture, we are always told to get married fast (did that) and then hurryhurryhurry, mulitply and replenish the earth!! (did that) and like I said, no regrets, I love my familiy, but I need more. I need more of an identity than just "Mom." As I'm getting rid of the ED, I need to find myself and find out who I really am without that super skinny, cool and untouchable model persona. I mean, what else am I? What else could I do and accomplish?

So, this probably can't happen right away - Brandon finishes school in just 9 short months, and it'll probably have to wait til he graduates, but I need to think seriously about this - I need to make it happen. I think I'm meant to do some pretty cool things in this life, and I think having my degree will make that easier and more of a possibility. What do you think?

Mila is 2 Months Old!

2011-09-30T15:53:00.000-06:00

My brave lil' womanly got her 2 month shots this week. It was SO traumatic. I don't know if it was worse for me than her, but when she started quivering her little lip and crying, I almost started to do the same. Poor thing was really miserable and out of it for awhile, she really did not like those shots!

Mila is slightly above average for her height, and under average for her weight. She weighed in at 9 lbs 14 oz, so she's still pretty teeny. I'm not surprised by her stats, because Cade was about like her - tall and skinny. (Maybe like their mama?)

I am REALLY having a hard time with breast-feeding. I just can't seem to produce enough milk for her. I nurse her, but almost always, 20-30 minutes after I feed her, she's ravenous again, so I make her a bottle. If we were like pilgrims and formula wasn't invented, what would I do for my poor girl? Give her something outrageous like milk from the goats I'd have to inevitably milk everyday? Gross. Anyway, if any of you can send some good, vitamin D rich milk vibes my way, please do so!

We blessed Mila on Sunday and that went well. I was super stressed trying to plan a party and arrange for food, etc, (my whole family came) but it seemed to go off without a hitch and Brandon gave her a beautiful blessing. Thanks again to all my fam for coming and supporting me and Mila. :)

Daddy and Mila on her blessing day.

Loved her blessing outfit. That gold cardigan, and she was wearing bloomers. BLOOMERS!

Love you, Mees.

T. Swift Tee Idea

2011-09-27T12:14:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow night Brandon and I are going to the Taylor Swift concert. I am beyond excited - Brandon surprised me with the tix months ago, and I've been looking forward to it ever since - he even got me killer seats - we're on the floor, on the 15th row. So I am going to go to this concert and I am going to shamelessly sing my heart out to all her pre-teen, naive lyrics, because I like the chick and because I really respect the fact that she writes her own music. I don't care if I sound like an adolescent, I really like her stuff!

So I mentioned to Brandon the other day that I thought it would be fun if we made tee-shirts to go to the concert, you know, something just fun and simple, like this:

And Brandon thought it would be a good idea, only he thinks he should add just a little something to the back of the tee...
and this is what he suggested.

I totally cackled.
(And no, in case you were wondering, I did NOT make the tees. A simple outfit from Brass Plum will have to suffice.)

8 Inches, Bye-Bye

2011-09-24T20:03:00.000-06:00

I just WHACKED my hair off - and it happened so fast! Literally last night, I was thinking that I just couldn't stand my hair for another nano-second and needed a change, and asap. So I called up my hair stylist this morning, and thankfully she was able to cater to my impulsive whims and get me in this afternoon. My instructions to her were to make it casual and easy to do, because, honesty moment, I really don't do my hair that often. Take it easy, it's harrrrrd with a newborn to do myself up, no kidding. So this 'do is super easy; I can air-dry it and let my natural waves do the rest. I got rid of 8 inches and I sooooo don't regret it! LOVE me this change. :)

Before:

After:

You Know You Want More Pictures

2011-09-23T16:16:00.000-06:00

I had some fun taking pictures yesterday. Cade and I were snapping away and giggling like little school girls while Mila and the cats cooly watched from the other sofa. What I'm not posting on this blog are about 48746 outtakes of us just snapping pictures randomly that resulted in a lot of nostril, boob, and gross teeth shots. Here are the few that were cute! (And a couple more of Cade and Mila, thrown in there for good measure!)

Happy weekend everybody!

Happy Birthday Brandon!

2011-09-23T15:57:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was Brandon's 29th birthday. When I was trying to think of what we would do for his birthday, I remembered something that I knew I wanted to do that would absolutely tickle Big B. See, we live near a restaurant called Pistol Pete's. Since it's near our home, we pass it in the car alllll the time, and despite the fact that we've lived in the area for 2 years, (and me most of my life) we've never eaten at the restaurant. Every time we pass it and see the sign, Brandon begs me to let us eat there - and I laugh but say NO because girlfriend here is not a fan of trying new restaurants (usually) and prefer to stick to what I know (always). So, a long time ago, seriously it was probably what?-- a good year ago, Brandon, after telling me he wanted to go to Pistol Pete's AGAIN, and me flatly refusing, he declared, "Okay, but we are going there on my birthday. That's my only birthday wish - to eat at Pistol Pete's!" And...every time we've passed it since, which would seriously be at least 5 times a week, he'll say, "PISTOL PETE'S! WE'RE EATIN' THERE ON MY BIRTHDAY!" So, if he said that 5 times a week for the past year, that means I heard him say that roughly 260 times this year, and it GOT OLD.

So I gave in. Yesterday for his birthday, I took him to Pistol Pete's.
And you know what? I LOVED IT!! I feel bad, I should have taken the poor guy there a long time ago for how grateful he was. Maybe I should try new things more often? (Pork tacos, get in my belluh!)

Anyway, I love you, Birthday Man. You make me so happy. I never laugh more than when I am with you and I love having you come home to me every night. You are nearly perfect - you'll get there as soon as you start utilizing Facebook so that I can write dirty things on your wall and when you watch ANTM with me. Other than that, you're The Ideal Man. :) I hope you had an awesome birthday, and I can't wait to celebrate many more with you (and eat at Pistol Pete's lots more, too)!

Nice Threads

2011-09-23T13:14:00.000-06:00

Miss Mila Jane in her first Juicy Couture:

Picture Update

2011-09-21T16:59:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking for the past few days that I really need to post something, but TRAGICALLY, I can't think of anything to write about. Life is okay (if a little mundane sometimes) and I am spending most of my time attending to the little chica's demands. (And to the demands of my lungs, which, unfortunately, are not faring too well these days. I am glued to my nebulizer and inhaler(s).)

So, in lieu of words, here are some pics! (And I apologize because if you're my friend on Facebook, you've probably already seen a few of these...)

Take it easy, she knows she has a weight problem.

Miss Mila is 7 Weeks Old!

2011-09-14T19:31:00.000-06:00

I realized I've never done any formal updates for when Mila hits age and growth milestones. I'm not sure how consistent I'll be, but I thought I'd share a few things about Mila at 7 weeks:

Mila loves to be cuddled. She immdiately calms down as soon as I pick her up and bring her close to my face and coo or give her kisses. She definitely knows her mama and I love it!
Mila is starting to lose her hair. :( All of her dark, luscious locks I fear are doomed to be shedded. She still has a fairly decent head of hair, but it's less than she had when she was born, so I'm afraid she's going to lose it all. She'll still be adorable bald, of course, but I'm still sad about it.
Mila tolerates being bathed, but I feel awful when I put her in the bath because her teeth chatter no matter how much I try to keep her warm...and even for a couple hours afterward, she'll chatter her teeth and quiver her chin just so she can remind me how much she dislikes being naked and cold, and I swear she's just trying to make me feel guilty. It works. Poor thing!
Mila is just starting to smile. It's not consistent enough yet that I can capture it on camera, but several times today when we've smiled at her or played with her, she's just flashed this most beautiful smile. I can't wait to see it more as she gets older.
Mila is finally starting to get sleep a little better through the night. A couple nights ago she only woke up once, and she did that for a few nights, before resuming last night to waking up twice - but still, that's better than the 4 or so times she was waking up initially. I'm getting better about falling asleep while she's breastfeeding - I give her my boob and then usually fall asleep sitting up, with the teat hanging out. Very classy!
Mila is still quite small. All of her 0-3 month clothes are still very big on her, and even at 7 weeks, she still fits quite easily in all of her newborn size clothes. This is shocking to me, because by the time Cade was 7 weeks, he was bigger than she is - but it's all confuzzling because I got so much bigger while pregnant with Mila than with Cade, so I assumed she'd be bigger, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Weird?
Miss Mila is allllllll about her hands. They're very important to her! She is always waving them around and clasping them to her chest or grasping my shirt...but they are a very big deal around here. ;)
While I do breastfeed Mila the majority of the time, she does get 1-2 bottles everyday. But, at this point, she much prefers to breastfeed rather than bottle feed. In fact, I swear my milk puts her into a coma because she is so much calmer while breastfeeding than with a bottle, it's kind of cute. :)
Mila still sleeps quite a bit, but she is definitely starting to be awake more during the day, and sometimes I'm like, what am I supposed to do with you? -- it's hard getting used to dealing with a newborns demands! But I love her bright little blue eyes and how inquisitive she is when she's awake; she's always moving her head around and looking at her surroundings. She's definitely an alert little baby!

Brandon and Cade and I love Mila so much. It's hard to believe that she's almost 2 months old - the time flies by so fast, but I'm so happy she's here, it's like she's filled this hole in my heart, and my life feels so much more complete with her here. Sounds cliche and corny, but I mean every word. I love you Miss Mila!

Mila at 7 weeks.

Tying Up Loose Ends

2011-09-13T17:17:00.001-06:00

So, I went and saw my doctor yesterday for Post-Partum Depression, only our appointment got a little derailed because I was sort of dying. See, all weekend I'd been struggling with terrible asthma - using my inhaler and nebulizer like Dr. Drew uses his pouty lip or like Tyra Banks over-uses the words "FIERCE" and "DRECKITUDE." I couldn't function very well because I was wheezing so bad. It was honestly pathetic. So come Sunday night, Brandon finally asked me if I just wanted to go to the ER and get all this over with. I told him that I reallllly wanted to try to make it through the night, as I was seeing my doctor in the morning, and I could save a lot of time and money if my lungs could make it just a weensy longer. And I did - barely.

So I get to the doctor, and my peak flow was at like 150 - if you're not a lung person, just know that's really bad - and then they took my oxygen saturation, and they were horrified to find out it was at 89 - again, that's BAD. So instead of really talking about my depression, we more just focused on me staying alive to even HAVE depression. Okay, okay, that's a little dramatic, but not by much. I was seriously in a bad place yesterday.

So, I'm going back in 2 weeks, and hopefully we'll talk more about it then. She did make a small med change, but honestly I'm not too optimistic it'll help, but I'll try it. Dying never! Breathing forever!

And...the Cade Kindergarten Fiasco of 2011 I think went a little better today. Before school, I asked him if when he went to school today if he was going to be brave or scared, and I told him if he was scared, that was okay, but that we just needed to talk about it. He told me he wasn't going to be scared, and true to his word, today he went right into class without any problems. And I don't know specifics of how school went today, but as I was picking him up, I made eye contact with his teacher, and she gave me a thumbs up sign, so I'll take it. I figure I definitely wouldn't have gotten that had he wreaked all sorts of havoc in class today. So, progress! Onward and upward, as my old therapist would (kind of annoyingly) say.

So in case you were wondering, there were some updates from things I've mentioned previously on this blog. :)

Cade Takes a Step Back

2011-09-12T23:37:00.002-06:00

Watching Harry Potter with his wand.

Remember how I just posted about how awesome Cade was doing with starting kindergarten? Yeah, well NIX THAT. Ah man. Today we took a giant step backward with the whole kindergarten thing.

It all started with the color yellow. Cade was supposed to wear that color to school today, because they were learning about it, or something. So when I pulled his only yellow shirt over his head, which is this cheap monstrosity, Cade warned me that he didn't like it and he didn't want to wear it, but I made him because I didn't want him to be the only kid in his class that wasn't wearing yellow and feel like a freak. Only, I should have listened to him, because apparently wearing yellow made him feel like a freak anyway, and things just went downhill from there.

When I took him to his class, he grabbed my leg and said quite resolutely, "I'M NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY MOM. NOOOOOOO WAY, MOM!" And I kind of looked at him baffled, because school has been in session for 2 weeks, and he hasn't had a single problem. So I tried pulling him through the door. I tried bribing him through the door. I tried threatening him through the door. And, finally, when all else failed, I DRAGGED him through the door. By then he was crying, and I was near tears too because I was flustered and bewildered as to why my kid was suddenly swimming laps around the anxiety pool. Fortunately his (awesomely sweet) teacher came over in that moment and took (read: PRIED) him away from me, and I left. I thought about him all that afternoon, hoping and praying that he was handling school well and not having a melt down.

Three hours later, I went to pick him up. His teacher came right up to me after the bell rang, and told me that there had been some "issues" that day. Great. I cringed, waiting for the worst. I am used to my child being willfull and defiant, and sometimes that's what I love most about him - but I also know, then when it comes time to conform, like in school, and say, just sit and do your work and be quiet, I'm not always sure Cade is going to be great at that. And today he wasn't. She told me, "Today, Cade REFUSED to try." He wouldn't do a lick of his work, because he kept saying over and over, "I CAN'T do it." This really concerns me, because I don't want my 5 year old at such an early age to think he can't do things, to already feel so incapable - I mean, isn't that supposed to happen during the dreaded adolescence? Brandon and I tell him several times a day what a good boy he is, and how smart and strong and brave and wonderful he is. We shower him with love and compliments and positive affirmations. So...to have my kid already starting out, saying he can't do something, breaks my heart. I don't know what to do about it.

So, when we got to the car, I told Cade that he could watch cartoons after school for a little bit, but then we were going to sit at the table and do alllll the work that he refused to do at school. I don't want him to think he can get out of it, or that it isn't important. My hope is that he'll start to do it at school once again, just as soon as he realizes that sitting at home and doing it with Mommy and Daddy is no fun when he could be playing the Wii or superheroes or something. So Brandon sat with him for an hour and they did all his work...and it was hard. (NO CADE, IT'S A T. A T!! NONOTANL! A T!!! *giggles from cade, groans from brandon...*) You need an incredible amount of patience with this kid, because he's smart and absolutely capable of the work - but lacks the drive and desire to do the work.

So, what do I do? How do I give my sweet son more self-esteem? How do we get it in his brain that kindergarten isn't, like, a choice. In my desperation this afternoon when I was trying to get him into school, I told him that Mommy and Daddy would go to jail if he didn't go to school, and HE LAUGHED. IN MY FACE. Punk. But I'm serious. If any of you have any ideas on how I could help encourage him in this, or if you can just relate, I'd love to hear from you. I just want what's best for my guy, and it makes me sad that he's scared of school and feels inadequate.

Later today, after school was out, I asked him why he didn't like school that day, and he crumpled to the ground and wailed that he hated school because it was "Yellow Day" and that he HATES YELLOW. So I ripped that shirt off his head and told him to go pick annnny shirt he wanted. Tomorrow is Yellow Day too, but if Cade will go to school sans the freak out? He can wear any color he wants, conformity be damned.

Sigh. Cross your fingers that tomorrow goes better...

Reflecting on this Sunday

2011-09-11T19:53:00.000-06:00

If Sunday is supposed to be a "day of rest," I don't know why mine is so insane. It probably has something to do with the fact that I have 9 a.m. church and two kids, neither of whom are morning people. Trying to wake Cade up before 10 a.m. is like trying to wake up a bear out of hibernation - and almost just as dangerous, no kidding. Although who am I fooling? It's probably harder for me to get up than him, but I blame the fact I'm waking up during the night to feed the little munchkin. 9 a.m., in my opinion, is like the butt-crack of dawn. And...it's not even like I get much out of church with a 5 year old and a 6 week old - all of my time is spent trying to do damage control. Oh well. At least I try, and at least Mila looked darling in her dress today. I am definitely one of those mothers that has kids who are dressed better than her. Especially now...I don't really fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes yet, but most of my maternity stuff is now too big, so I recycle the same few items of clothing over and over. That poor black skirt I wear every week...it's workin' real hard...

Today has been a sobering day, what with it being the anniversary of 9/11. I remember so clearly that day - it was during my senior year of high school, and I remember that we did no work that day at school, only shuffled from class to class and watched the news reports on what was happening. Several of my teachers cried. I think we were all in shock. It seemed so surreal, and now 10 years later, it seems just as surreal. Brandon and I have been glued to the TV all day, watching the documentaries and news stories covering it, and it's so sobering. It's particularly difficult for me to watch the videos or see the pictures of the people who jumped from the towers to avoid the fire - watching them free-fall like that...it literally makes me sick. I swear I was eating when I watched it, and had to stop because I felt sick to my stomach. The attack and what happened...there was so much hate. It's hard to stomach.

Anyway, I know it's a day I'll never forget, and I think it's really important we all remember, and tell our kids about it so they can carry on the legacy of all we lost that day, and of all the brave men and women who saved so many lives that day. One day I hope to visit the memorial site with Cade and Mila and tell them what happened.

And here's a couple cute pictures of Mila, just for good measure. :)

Squishy sleep cheeks!

Bear bum! (Cute outfit given to Mila by my T. :)

Mish Mash

2011-09-09T16:05:00.002-06:00

I've decided, after a little trepidation, to keep Blogxygen up and running and to not make it private. My posts are going to be much more family-oriented, and I probably won't talk about my ED much, and if that bores others or if they no longer want to read, then peace. I'm changing I guess, and that means my blog is going to change. I hope you stick around and read, but if you don't, as my niece would say, then get away from me, I don't even care. ;)

Cade is doing well with Kindergarten - honestly, he's doing better than I thought he would. I was really nervous about him starting school, but he is handling it like a champ and seems to really like it. The other day I asked him what he did at school, and he answered, "I don't even know what I did but I know I loved it." :) Silly boy. He's already made a new friend named Simjay (sp?) and they're best little buddies. And this Simjay makes me smile because he's like some mini rocker with his shoulder-length hair and Vans shoes and skinny jeans. I love how at as early as 5 years old, these kids already have such strong little personalities. Take Cade for example. Just now I asked him if I could take a picture of him for this blog post, and he gave me the dirtiest look and said NO WAY MOM. I don't remember being such a little bugger as a kid, but now I'm totally digressing and that's neither here nor there. So no cute picture of my son for you to look at today, I'm afraid.

Mila is doing well. She's just starting to sleep a little better through the night, which is so fabulous - last night she only woke up twice, which is so much better than the 4 or so times she's been waking up previously. She's also gaining weight - I don't know for sure, but I estimate she's almost 9 pounds by now, though I won't tell her that, because I won't everrrrrr focus on weight with her; there's no need to give her a complex afterall. :)

I'm being evaluated on Monday for that pesky little thing called Post-Partum Depression. I'm just plain ol' blue, there's no getting around it. I never want to get up in the mornings or clean my house or do my hair, (which is NOT helping the self-esteem) and I'm really not functioning very well, so I want to get this checked out before it becomes, like, this Big Thing. Just nip it in the bud, you know? Maybe a change of meds will be good for me.

And, I don't want to focus on weight loss too much, especially since so many people that read my blog have EDs or used to, but while I still have some pregnancy weight to lose, I definitely have lost some, which is awesome, because I'm not restricting or resulting to old, anorexic behaviors to lose the weight, so this is big for me - to do it the right and healthy way and not turn all freaky eating disorder on you. It's hard to be patient and lose the weight slowly, but I'm glad I am, not just for my health, but to be a good example to Mila and to look back and be really proud of myself. That's something, right there.

I wanted to post this picture because I love this little parasite so much. I wanted Cade in the picture too, but got the resounding NO WAY MOM, so I decided not to push it. Have a good weekend, all!

Still Uneasy Uneasy Lemon Squeezy

2011-09-05T16:56:00.000-06:00

I'm still completely baffled as to what to do re: my blog, and if I should go private or not. I actually am really proud of Blogxygen, and while I'm not proud of my eating disorder, I'm proud that I've come this far and have made it through...I just don't know if I still want anyone on the interwebs to be able to read everything about me...I mean, I've put myself out there. I've made myself vulnerable; just about anyone can read everything they want to know about me - and, like I said, I'm proud of how far I've come, and I don't want to be ashamed of my past, but I still don't know if that means I have to be comfortable with everyone knowing so much about me. I have no idea if that convoluted, run-on sentence made sense, but there you have it.

So I'm going to continue to think about it. If I do decide to go private, I'll give a few days notice and an opportunity for people to send me their emails for an invite.

Labor Day Pics

2011-09-05T16:51:00.001-06:00

Brandon and Cade and Mila and I decided to have a relaxed holiday. We took a picnic to the park and then I sat with Mila in the shade while Brandon and Cade played soccer. I then went to the mall and scored on some holiday sales...and picked out this darling dress for Mila (pictured below). Hope everyone is having a great holiday! (I am. :)

I'm sans makeup. Icky.

PS - my poor baby has a wicked case of baby acne. Anybody know any remedies?

My Pretty Girl

2011-09-03T16:39:00.000-06:00

She's so adorable, I want to eat her! (If you don't agree, you're crazy, get away from me.)

Uneasy

2011-09-02T12:24:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling really conflicted right now about my blog. It's kind of unnerving me that so many people know so much about me. Also, I am basically known for my ED, right? Especially in the community I live in, everyone knows me because of my eating disorder, whether they were in treatment with me or they went to high school with me or they read my blog or just heard about that one crazy chick with anorexia.

I don't want to be known that way anymore, and while Blogxygen is no longer really an ED-focused blog, it certainly used to be, and I don't know if I'm okay with my life being so public anymore.

So I may go private. I'm going to decide in the next 24 hours or so.

Perfecting the Art of Multi-tasking...

2011-08-30T14:48:00.002-06:00

Caden's Firsts

2011-08-30T14:44:00.000-06:00

In the past week, Caden has both started Kindergarten and soccer. Now, you have to know that my little man has some wicked anxiety - so starting new things, while a breeze for other kids, is a big deal and brings an enormous amount of anxiety for my guy. So, yesterday as I watched Cade walk into Kindergarten all by himself, and with him acting so brave, filled this mommy's heart with so much pride for my little guy. I didn't even cry because I was so proud of him, and I was scared that if I cried, he would too!

Cade on his first day of school

Soccer has been scary for him too. In fact, during his first game, he only played about once, and it lasted all of about 45 seconds, and he wouldn't stop crying and telling me and Brandon that he was "scared." So for his second game on Saturday, Brandon and I took him there with no expectations. We had tried disciplining him and incentivizing him and bribing him and threatening him, and nothing worked - he would NOT play. But on Saturday, he just surprised us both by playing the majority of the time with no tears or anxiety - we were floored, and incredibly proud of him. For parents with kids who have no anxiety, this is not a big deal...but for us? We couldn't have been more proud of him, even if he had won the freaking Nobel Peace Prize. We love you Cade. :)

Cade is #4

Mila Smiles...

2011-08-30T14:31:00.001-06:00

I managed to catch this photo of Mila, and I couldn't stop laughing. Between the double chin, dimples, and baby acne, her facial expressions are getting hilarious. Don't you agree?

And here's one more, just so you know she can look normal. :)

4 Weeks Old, and an Update

2011-08-24T12:37:00.000-06:00

It's been so long since I've posted anything of substance. I think I've kind of been trying to survive, and adjust to Mila being here, so I've been a little distracted. So here's a bit of an update:

Mila, 4 weeks old

Mila is 4 weeks old today. Can you believe it? I can't believe it's already been that long! We love having her around, though it's definitely been an adjustment. By far, of course, the hardest thing for Brandon and I to get used to is having our sleep so disrupted. It's been really hard for us both to acclimate to waking up every 2-3 hours to feed the little chica. I'm always in need of sleep, and fantasize about being able to sleep for like 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep...but of course that can't happen, as I have, you know, the milk that she needs. Oh well.

Breastfeeding is going better, but still not great. I think I can officially say that I am neither that great at breastfeeding, nor do I particularly enjoy it like some women do. I've been having a bit of trouble with producing enough breastmilk for Mila, so that's sucked. I'm trying to increase my food intake in the hopes that will help, but it's been rough. Thankfully my, er, nipples are starting to feel a bit better, which is good, because I swear I was like convinced they were going to fall off or something - that's how bad they hurt. Anyway, breasfeeding is like this art that I just don't get. I won't lie. I'm glad I can breastfeed Mila, because I know it's good for her, and she much prefers it over a bottle, but it's still harder than I remembered or expected. Hopefully it'll continue to get easier.

I think I'm definitely struggling with some depression. I don't know if it's post-partum, or if it's just my regular 'ol depression, or what, but it's kind of been bringing me down. I cry a lot. I just feel so tired, and I know the lack of sleep isn't helping either. At what point does depression after a baby become defined as post-partum depression? I'm not sure. My anxiety has been on the rise too, and it's mostly all centered around Mila. I obsess and worry constantly about her safety and health, to the point that it's getting a little out of control. I have nightmares most nights that something bad is happening to her, that I can't protect her and keep her safe. The all-knowing therapist tells me that it's probably pretty normal to feel this way, both because I have a new baby, but also because I lost Kendall, but it's been tough. And scary.

My cute kids

And body image? DON'T GET ME STARTED. I'm really struggling with that, too. Most of my pre-pregnancy clothes still don't fit, and I've never weighed this much in my entire life, so it's really really hard. I know I need to be patient, but it's hard to remember that when I wake up in the morning and begin the grueling task of trying to find something to wear. :(

But, despite most of the above paragraphs that articulate how hard things are, I'm happy. :) I am. I love having Mila in our family, and things feel more complete with her around. Cade is just falling in love with her now, and gives her kisses and helps me out by putting her binky in her mouth or grabbing me a diaper. I'm excited to see what a good father Brandon is going to be to our daughter, too. He is just smitten with her. :)

So that's it. This is getting long, but I'll try to be better about posting a little more often.

Sleeping Sistas

2011-08-16T17:36:00.000-06:00

I've been quiet lately.

I'm just so tired.

So, instead of blogging, I'm going to try to do a little bit more of this:

More later. xoxo

Miss Mila (Finally!) Opens her Eyes

2011-08-09T20:17:00.000-06:00

I realized I've never really posted a picture of Mila with her eyes open - the little stinker sleeps so much, but today I was able to capture this captivating shot. Isn't she beautiful? :)

Saturday Afternoon Pictures

2011-08-07T14:28:00.001-06:00

No real post from me today. I'm honestly feeling out of it. I think things will get easier as we get Mila on a schedule, but for now things still feel up in the air and it's hard to adjust. I've actually been sleeping all day because I was up with Mila for the better part of the night, so I'm feeling a little grouchy and tired. I just need to get settled and adjust, I'm sure things will get better...

Here are a few pics we took yesterday, as we were leaving for my nephew's baptism. Isn't Mila's dress DARLING?